Goodmorning Sally-if he's still at home, then my guess is that he is staying. Hope you have a good day.

Thanks, NJ. My H has done some things that have seemed positive. D day was last Thursday. He stayed home with me on Friday (which is impossible to do ad hoc on residency) to be sure I would be ok. We spent the weekend together, and while I was a mess on the inside -- I kept the outside together for the most part. He was very attentive yesterday. We went to his parent's for dinner (they have been a big support to me) and we fell asleep together in a 1-person recliner with me on his lap. I love that stuff.

I am still working on Plan A which I think I understand to be make be best person and really meet his needs. I have to go get the book today. What get's me kind of happy about Plan A is that no matter what, I will be better.

This rollercoaster is not at all fun though. I still have his 2nd covert cell phone and can't bring myself to part with it. I thought it would be ringing off the hook, but it hasn't. I think I am going to drive over it with my car : )

Dropping the phone in water is also quite effective, but it might work once it drys off. It all sounds like it is going in the right direction. He has no time or energy for an affair, lets face it, it was an escape for him. This is the beginning of a better relationship for the two of you. Got to go-little on whining.

Here is an important question....

I was lucky enought to get into an IC today. I am going this afternoon.

My H said he is willing to go to MC but has no time, I am not kidding. We pulled his schedule to see and there is no time. We can't afford $185 / hour for phone counseling. The other part about my H is that he is very tired after work and going to MC would be bad after work. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions out there?

I am having a baaad day today. I was paying bills and realized how much money he spent on the dates with the OW. On the prepaid cell phone, it was about $200 and he probably spent another $100 on drinks/food for her. That makes me so sad. The money and the time and the lies are so sad.

Tell him he had enough time to see the OW, so he has enough time for MC. Then call Dr Harley and do phone C. He has time for a phone call.

If you can swing it, do a MB weekend.

Yes, I know it is upsetting to think about the money-we made bad business deals during this time because my H was not thinking about our future and I was assumeing there was no affair at that time. It will get better and he will pay you back. Hope you have a better day.

<small>[ November 16, 2004, 09:45 AM: Message edited by: new jersey ]</small>

He has been so nice since last Thursday (d-day). He went from not talking and icing me out to being talkative and responsive almost immediately (after 2 days). That makes me a bit leery, because I really want it to last. He has been thoughtful and has spent a lot of time with me. Between Sunday and last night, we spent 15 hours of really good time together already for this week.

I know he can't keep this up because he is neglecting reading for work. But I love the time with him and it is almost MORE painful because spending time makes my heart feel so strongly for him in a positive way when I should be mad.

Not sure how to balance all of these emotions.

There is often a honeymoon period after a d day, esp. if he is in love with you-which he is by his actions. The sex becomes frequest and unbelievable and you bond again as a couple. Yes-emotions like yours are very real and normal. You love him, but are angry about the betrayal.

That makes me want to cry hearing you say he is in love with me. Yes, I believe we are in honeymoon period. He is wanting sex 2x/day and calling me during the day too. This is how we used to be and I don't expect it to keep up, but I guess I should enjoy it while it lasts.

He's afraid to loose you. It will last for a few months and that part is great. He is also afraid you will go and have an affair. Classic from the book of WS. Just wait till he starts to accuse you-try not to laugh in his face or get mad-huge LB.

Make sure you find out his EN (emotional needs). Once we identified these, I saw where our marriage went wrong. He had playmate and physical attractiveness as two high needs. I never dressed up with two kids and had gained some weight after the second one. I also was less interested in sex at the time because I was working full time and taking care of two kids under 5. I also was in school so I had to study at night. It just went on the back burner. Less than once a week when now it still is everyday (almost) since d day. We also had no us time and never went out on dates together. Big marriage mistakes. With those needs corrected he has no need to go seeking. Hope this helps.

<small>[ November 17, 2004, 06:52 AM: Message edited by: new jersey ]</small>

Good advice thanks. My H is pretty insightful. He had been telling me I wasn't meeting his ENs for a long time but I, like you, have been too busy focusing on career and our D. I realized I wasn't having any fun either.

My H has high needs for physical and recreational time like yours. He wants me to dress up and look sexy. He likes sex and he is a 2x a day person. I think it helps him relieve his stress. I like it to, I just need to take a nap during the day so I can keep up with him at night.

He has always told me to "spoil" myself because he can't due to time. I never listened and didn't get new clothes, make-up etc. Well I decided that I was totally wrong. Since D-day,I have bought new makeup, clothes (not so big and blah!), and had a manicure. Next week I am having my teeth whitened and the hair on my legs lasered off so I never have to shave again. I told him he has created a monster, and he laughed and said that me doing these things is what he has always wanted. He has been telling me this for two years now and I haven't been listening. I am listening now!

Oh yes...I have the charge card for Victoria's Secret!! Enjoy!

Today and yesterday have been interesting days. My H has been so sweet and so loving that it is having a physically negative effect on me. It is as though the time and attention is making me love him more and that is really scary considering his prior actions. I am scared to death. He has been reassuring, talking happily about the future, etc. etc.

I am not letting him know how scared I am but it is very very difficult. I sometimes just sit paralyzed with fear. Anyone else experience this?

Everyday...it lessens, but you have awoken to the fact that he can cause you pain. The man who is supposed to love and protect you betrayed your greatest intimacy. He brought another woman to the couple. I believe it is self preservation. You know he could do it again, and that is what you have to deciede...do you want to risk it again? I did because I believe I am strong enough to handle it if it happens and I do not want my kids to loose their dad. If it happens again I will have to deal with it. I won't be so understanding if it does happen again...no one can say what they would do, each case is different. I never thought I would take him back the first time. I really surprised myself. I do love him and I hope he loves me enough not to do it again. If he does, then I'll have my answer.

I found myself fighting myself last night (and I feel that way this morning). Internally, I am trying to self-sabotage, i.e. pick a fight with him, or bring up OW and ask questions, etc. I did ask a few little questions and nothing was heated or escalated at all. He continues to have the right responses and give me attention and be understanding.

I am going crazy because I feel like I don't have control over myself and if I start being b?tchy or angry that I will set things backwards. I think this is the other half of what is paralyzing me.

When you were there, how did you control an insane internal pressure to bring it up all the time?

Sally-
I've been following your post and I was really sorry to hear that you discovered your H was having an affair as you had suspected.

As far as you feeling all of the pressure concerning your questions and feelings about the affair VS. trying to keep the peace, I think that has got to be pretty normal. I just don't see how those feelings will ever go away unless they are brought up and discussed, though, and I don't see how that can all be done in a healthy way without the help of a marriage counselor. I hope that you and your H will find a good one ASAP. He's shown that he was able to find the time and the money when it came down to something that he really wanted (OW), so I would not settle for ANY excuses from him...it's a matter of saving your marriage!!!

From reading your posts it almost sounds like you and your husband are kind of allowing you to take the brunt of the blame for his affair because HIS needs weren't being met by you. Please don't fall for this. Yes, I'm sure that there were things he needed and wasn't getting from you....just as there were certainly MANY needs you had that he wasn't meeting....but he was the one that chose to have an affair, you didn't.

Your post caught my eye from the beginning because you sounded so much like me...I'm doubting myself and thinking I'm crazy and paranoid, but I can't explain these horrible feelings I have concerning my H. Can you please tell me what the signs were that made you start to realize something was not quite right with your husband? And could you please tell me how you convert a cell phone # to an address??

Jill,

Thanks for your post. To convert a cell number to an address, go to www.usaskiptrace.com and there will be instructions there. It will cost you $80, but I had the answer in two hours.

With regard to the signs, the first sign was my intuition. If it doesn't feel right, it's not right. All the other signs were little, but when added together it made it clear. So here are the little signs-- he bought a few new shirts (not unusual for him so just made a mental note), became progressively more emotionally withdrawn (i.e. wouldn't talk with me at dinner--would just stare into space), he would go out with his friends more frequently(again not unusual -- more like 1x per week instead of 2x per month), he didn't want me to kiss him or be sexual with him, he didn't look at me "that way" anymore (my H would usually look at me when I was naked), he withdrew from our daughter some, he stopped calling his mother as much, he started becoming paranoid that I was "all over him" or "checking up on him"; there was more cash being withdrawn from the ATM. You can read back how I found out about the extra cell phone. That was the kicker that proved it.

Before I "knew" I found myself questioning whether or not I was crazy and making things up in my head. Now that I look back, I was just in denial. I do think it worked to my advantage though. My ignorance set him up to screw up -- hide the keys and I caught him. My advice to you is to be patient, understand that you are not crazy and add up all the little signs. If you are here, your intuition is likely dead on. Sorry to say that.

Love to hear your story and what is going on with your H.

There is a great big list of things to look for. Maybe someone can post a link.

Mine took the dog out for a walk-phone in hand
new underware
showered when he came home
new interests in music etc
new friends
new hobbies
weight loss
kept clothes in the car
secretive about car
took car seat out
it goes on and on

Tr not to LB when you talk to him, I'd give dr H a call..phone MC would fit your schedule.

Sally and newjersey, thanks for the info, I really do appreciate it!

I am working on getting my thoughts together enough to post my situation, I'm a complete wreck right now after H came home late last night after an "emergency" came up again for the second Fri. in a row. Everything seems to always be justified, so that's where the crazymaking part comes in for me.

Anyway, I don't want to steal from your post but I really do appreciate your response to me. I'm anxious to hear how things are going for you and your H and I hope your weekend is going OK.

Had another good weekend. I went out with the girls on Friday night. It was a strange experience and it was hard because guys were hitting on me at the place we were at and it made me feel like that is what my H did to the OW. But, my H continues to be very supportive, apologetic, etc. He has been telling me where he goes, when he goes and calls me very frequently and says for me to call him whenever. He has been leaving all his stuff out and available, like he is unafraid of me looking through it.

I am cautiously optimistic, but I am still having terrible moments.