And I don't know what to do. WH is in the Navy and travelled two times recently to Canada. He met some one there and had a fling (not sexual he says, but they did spend the night together a couple times). It continued online on a daily basis through very loving e-mails. She was clueless he was married. I accidently stumbled upon his e-mail account that I never knew he had. I got in through the secret question and got an eye full. She now knows he is married and seems very apologetic to me. I chatted with her on Yahoo IM. However after WH discovered I knew, he promised no more contact. He told me over and over again that he had not been talking to her. I vowed to fix the problems in our marriage and make him want me. I worked so hard for about a week, until I did a temporary internet file search and found the continued contact. He told her we were separated and that I was out to get him. We have three small children, which he acknowledged. He told her he was in the middle east in the war effort. She believed it, hook like and sinker. I found this out Thursday.... we had made love on Wednesday night and it was more passionate than it had ever been. I felt used!!! Now he swears to me that he wants me and only me and to stay with me and the boys. He absolutely refuses to let me into his e-mail account, which he says he closed, but he changed his personal info, so I cant get in anymore. He erased all numbers on his cell phone. And he refuses to call her with me in his presense to tell her the truth. I have her # and have tried to call her a couple times, but no success in reaching her. I feel I need proof it is over, other than his reassurances. Am I right in asking this of him? He becomes very angry when I insist on it. I don't want to push him further away, but I can't live like this either. I love him beyond words and can't believe this has happened. Since Thursday, when I found the continued contact, he has been a different man. He has been very affectionate to me, tells me he loves me all the time, and sincerely acts like he wants to make it work. Where do I go from here? I am going out to buy Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs tonight when he gets home from work. Please help! Also, sorry so long.

ama,

Those books are going to be a ton of help to you. So you took half of my advice before I could even give it.

If he lied to her about your marital status and his location, and now he won't allow you access to his emails or call log, he's still in contact.

On a stupidity note, does she actually believe he's calling her from a cell phone in Iraq?

Learn about Plan A and focus on taking care of yourself right now.

Has he had an STD panel done yet? If not, please don't have unprotected sex with him again until he does. Don't buy the "wore a condom" thing, as you're not dealing with a rational and truthful person at the moment. Plus, condoms don't protect against all STDs. Your first priority is to protect yourself.

As you read more on this site and in the books, you'll realize that you're living with an alien right now. Like an addict, he's out of control. You need to realize that you can't control his actions, but you do have control over how you react to them.

Is he willing to see a marital counselor or talk to a chaplain?

Wiser posters who aren't high on cold medicine will probably be along shortly to help. Weekends are a bit slow here, so be patient.

By the way, I've been where you're at and my marriage is doing very well now. It was a rocky road and my H had several As while deployed (Navy), but you wouldn't even recognize our marriage if you compared today and two years ago.

Dobie

ama,

How are you doing today? I've been worried about you.

Thanks Dobie. I am doing OK, but today I just have one of feelings of the tingling all over. I feel like I may never get past this. I have to know that he is not contacting her anymore. I have tried to call her, but she won't talk to me. She won't talk to me on IM anymore either. I printed all of the e-mails out that I have to keep just in case. He showered me with affection this weekend, but I just can't shake this feeling that he is still involved. He is supposed to go back to Canada again this month or next month to pick up the plane he took up there, so the opportunity will present itself for him to see her again... how will I get through this?? We have 3 small boys, all 5 & under, I have epilepsy, my father is suffering from lung cancer. I just feel like I can't take anymore... I love him with all my heart and soul and want this marriage to work more than anything.

ama,

You have a lot on your plate right now, so I think it would be a good time to organize your priorities. There are things that you cannot control, and things that you can. Take a deep breath and make a list of what you can control.

For instance, make sure you're eating right, taking your medications, and getting some exercise. Make an appointment with your doctor to discuss anti-depressants if you think they might help. Talk to a therapist or a chaplain. Most bases have at least one family counselor on staff. If not, TRICARE you can get a referral from your PCM.

Today, think of one thing that normally relaxes you or brings you joy and do it. This could be as simple as a bubble bath.

Try to focus on being a good mom as well. Your kids will pick up on your stress, but you can try to keep their routines together and minimize the impact on them.

It's ok to keep those emails, but lock them away and do not look at them. There's nothing productive to be gained there.

We're here for you and we'll try to help you with this difficult time.

Dobie

I forgot to add this. Quit trying to contact her. You'll only convince her that you're nuts by continuing to try. Plus, you can't get reliable info from her.

Thanks so much Dobie. I am going to call a psych tomorrow and make an appointment. I feel I need some AD's. I just can't shake this anxiety today.... is this normal to feel like this all the time? I just have this gut feeling that he is still contacting her.... He gets so upset when I bring it up and swears to me he has NC with OW right now. He cussed me so bad Friday night because I begged him to call her. I told him I needed it for my healing, and he just doesn't understand. He says to think about how much she has been hurt... what about me???????

Yep, it's COMPLETELY normal. I had nausea, insomnia, panic attacks, depression, manic bursts of energy, hysteria, forgetfulness...then a few hours later I'd have a whole new list of symptoms. There's evidence that betrayed spouses frequently suffer from post traumatic stress disorder and I believe it.

If he wants to prove that he's having no contact, he needs to make send her a no contact letter and make his life an open book to you. Email accounts, cell phone logs, credit cards, full accountability for his time, etc. Honestly, I suspect that he's still having contact or planning to because he refuses to make it clear to her that it's over.

Nagging at him won't do the trick. You can calmly state that these are the things that you need him to do to regain your trust, but that's it. Anything else is going to drive a bigger wedge between the two of you right now.

Don't beg, don't nag, don't accuse. It'll just help him convince himself that he was right to do this to you. Read up here about lovebusters. You can be completely honest without stirring up any drama.

On the sneaky side, did you know there is keylogging software that you can install on your computer to capture his passwords?