this is my first time here,not sure how it works.
i just caught my wife with my best friend and i feel double betrayed

I posted back to you on GQ.... post more when you're ready.

I'm sorry...I know you're world is spinning right now.

I HAVE BEEN READING SURVIVING AN AFAIR--BUT I CAN'T GET THE IMAGES OUT OF MY MIND

I'm so sorry, this will take some time.
Realize that this is all a normal reaction.

Talk about it some, maybe it will help.

Are you okay ?

Do you have any children ?

SAA is a great tool.

I'm sorry for your double betrayal, it's not uncommon in this place. It happens all too often.

Like I said..post when you're ready.

We're here to help in any way we can.

Hello,

I am so sorry for you. You are correct that it is a double betrayal. First, you now know he was never a real friend. If you are have not been married long and have no children then you may have some difficult decisions ahead of you. The fact that your wife would have an affair on you and with your best friend says a great deal how she views you and your marriage. I strongly suggest counseling and decide how you wish to live the rest of your life. I wish you luck.

I am so sorry that you are here. This was exactly what happened to me and it came as such a shock and the hurt cuts right through. I am now six weeks on from D-Day and as each day passes I find ways to cope. The movies still play every day, but they are less intensive now and I find ways to distract myself from these torturous images. Not easy though, but hopefully you will find some inner strength to make yourself do something else that takes your mind away from these horrible nightmares.
In my case, the affair with OM is over and we are working on recovery. This is a hard choice given the circumstances - firstly, my initial reaction was to kick her out and beat the crap out of OM, but I soon realised that my love for her was, although damaged, still there. Revenge, I feel is futile, retain some pride and dont go there in case you thought it.. I still get those thoughts but resist the temptation.
I suggest you read everything you can get your hands on to understand how this A has come about and SAA is essential stuff. It helped me a great deal as did the stuff on MB.
Your so called friendship with OM has now gone for ever I'm afraid, and you have to decide now how you want to lead the rest of your life - with or without her. I wish you well, because I know that this is so very hard to take. MB is a great place and support is just a click away.Stay strong.

we have been married 15 years and have 2 children together 13,3 i adopted her son at age 2 he is 17 and i have a 17 and 19 yr old from prev. marriage
we where sealed to each other in the temple in 1995. we are very best friends and he was a best friend for five years ,she has committed never to have any contact with him ever again,,but i just don't know what to believe anymore...i know i will never ever trust anybody in my life again

how do i post stats?

Go to your profile, and edit your signature line.
Hope you're doing okay, Hang in there.

WHAT IS ,OR WHERE DO I FIND PLAN A OR B?

HELLO

Hi Ichild
Sorry you are here but I found this the other day hope it helps.
Just found this from ark I think it is brilliant I have being trying to do some of these but this brings everything int more focus put it here for you all to see but mostly just so I dont loose it
it sure helps me.
FIRST thing is that I strongly strongly believe that before you even begin plan A...that you make a time limit for it...with plans to go to Plan B...
that for plan b to be effective you must have a good plan a...and for plan a to be effective and have the stamina to hang in there and give so unconditionally you must have a time frame in mind for plan b.....

Plan A is ALL about the assumption that the WS is still in the affair or in contact...
this is your map to navigating those treacherous waters...

it also is your big moment to diffuse all the excuses WS are prone to use to justify their behavior and choices....

and more you can diffuse their blame...

the bs is "always depressed"
the bs "always wants to talk about relationships"
the bs "is controlling"
the bs "yells all the time"
etc....

the more you remove those things...and the more you remove yourself from any powerstruggles of insanse things...

he said she said..
etc...
the more your disengage from arguements..again the more they have look at their own actions and choices....

here's what I told familymatters..One of the biggest mistakes that people make in plan A is that they begin to meet their spouses needs....and still hold on to great expectations of reward and reinforcement from their spouse....

plan a is ALL about learning to give and do for a bit with NO expectation of ANYTHING in return...

the giving of self and gifts with no strings attached....

I have quoted the silly add campaign for some perfume in the 70's here before...but I think it fits....

It went like this ...

"if you want to get someones attention...
whisper."..

plan a is like a whisper of behaviors and actions...
plan a should not be huge demonstrative expressions of love and romance...

WS are incapable of accepting those things...
part of that is that their actions at the time of continuing an affair are NOT loving and lovable...
and they KNOW it..
sometimes they know it better than their BS...who still want to use words like love to them...

so they get resentful
or shut down
or depressed..
or it solidifies their belief that they are so "bad" or so far gone...it feeds into their excuse and defense of unworthiness...

plan a is about filling the home with love and light in other ways...

it about an upbeat environment without the deep doom cloud hanging overhead..

it is about a home filled with children's activities and joy when applicable and it is about inviting and drawing the wS into those times and activities....

and even when they refuse to come in to the joy...the joy goes on without them...

BS that do a good plan a...say they feel like their WS didn't notice..or only was receptive now and then...and then their involvement and particpation increased...

WS that were handed a good plan a...say they watched and noticed EVERYTHING...EVERYTHING....even when the bS thought they didn't notice a thing....

WS are in great turmoil...and human nature is in conflict to take ALWAYS the path of the least resistance.....

the path of least resistance...is withdrawal and wallowing in self loathing and pity..

the path of least resistance is the OP..for they can not judge and force the WS to see their own actions...because they are as guilty as the other....

so plan A'rs.....need to stop ALL relationship talk..
all talk of love...

you do things that are subtle...
like put a CD in that the WS likes...and just enjoy if yourself...and if they enjoy it also...so be it..
even better yet when it is a blast from the past CD...one that speaks of a history...without blatant insistance that the wS remember this or that....

just history...

the person in plan A...needs to be upbeat and charming...they need to see that the BS is capable of fun and joy...because if all they ever see is a BS lost in the pain..then it will solidify their belief that the pain the WS has caused will never go away...and no one can stand to see the pain they have inflicted day after day...(unless psychotic or sadistic)

the person in plan a needs to engage family and friends in fun activites always always always inviting the wS to join in...
they need to see that things can and could be normal again....

plan a can be leaving a love note...but more impressive a joke...
buy an old farside book and make copies of the really really funny ones....
or the old calvin and hobbs.......
and leave those posted about...
WS seek false joy and laughter....
bring them back to real laughter.....

plan a'rs need to learn to babble back to the insanity that Ws say..and give the babble no leverage or "to die for importance"....

plan a'rs need a time limit of doing plan a with a concrete plan when to go to plan b..
the better the plan b..the better the reality of the consequances of plan b...

make plans to things the wS likes to do..
baseball games..
movies
etc..
and when they dont' want to go..
still go and do them..
be up up up up beat...

draw them to you and your home like a moth to a flame...

work on yourself
find an outside interest that gives you some relief ..

expect nothing nothing nothing from the Ws within a limited time period and free yourself in to the ability to give and do for your spouse better than you ever had....

WS are not used to getting thing with no strings attached....
it will confuse and baffle them...but when they try to use the old "your pressuring me excuse"..it will fall on their empty ears..cause they know that has not been the case..

take them a coffee expresso piled high with whip cream...at work or bring it home to them...and leave it for them..
don't badger them to thank you
don't badger them to tell you how much they liked it..
lay it at their feet and walk away whistling...
find the joy in the act of giving and doing and not in the receptiveness....

hard hard hard hard it is......
but set the time frame and go for it....
anyone can do anything for six weeks..
(except ATKINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! )

and pray for Gods Grace to enter your heart and home...
pray for serenity...
make you house the home where you and the kids and WS would want to be....


become strong...
become confident
become engaging and charming...

realize that YOU the BS are not lovable or desirable..based on your spouses giving or taking of love...
that you stand alone in this world..
lovabe and desirable...inspite of your spouses...


that's why plan A is all about each and every encounter and glimpse in to you and your home life being as engaging and attractive.....


plan a is all about doing what you can to end an affair....
plan a is built on the presumption that they are in contact...
that's why your contact needs to be better and with more value and depth....

this does not mean that you don't set boundaries on what you will tolerate in your life..

you will not "babysit" the kids so she can go with the OP...

you don't condone any contact..
but you don't powerstruggle it either...


if you think your spouse is going to go out with op don't make it easy for them..don't watch the kids...make plans first...and leave him or her with the kids...etc

hope this helps some..
ark

--------------------
dyinghere
BS-47 me
WH-46
Married 18 years
Toghther 28 years
DD-17 DD-15 DD-13
EA/PA? 8 Months
D-Day 21/09/04
Still in contact
OW-32 unmarried

AM I A FOOL TO THINK THAT WS HAS COMMITTED ,AND NOT MAKING ANY CONTACT.BUT I THINK DEEP DOWN THAT THEY HAVE HAD NO CONTACT

Easy does it.
This is going to take a lot out of your right now.
It's very new, you're still very early into this.

You are not a fool.
It happens to the best of us.
It happens to the worst of us.

This isn't going to bury you, it will change you forever...but it's what that change IS...that you'll work through.

You're angry today...no ?

How are things going at home ?

SEEM'S TO BE GOOD AT HOME--SHE IS SO SORRY,AND SAYS IT IS OVER BETWEEN THEM---I HAVE NOT HEARD FROM OP,WHICH WAS MY VERY GOOD FRIEND--WHICH IS FOR THE BEST,CAUSE RIGHT KNOW I COULD RIP HIS HEAD OFF

Great news.

What are you and your wife doing now to recover ?

Don't make the mistake that you forgive..and move forward.

You want to rebuild into something great.

Find the reason this happen...and make sure it doesn't happen again.

I think you're doing a great job of holding it together.

<small>[ November 23, 2004, 07:30 PM: Message edited by: betrayedinjersey ]</small>

SHE HAS MADE A FULL CONFESSION TO OUR BISHOP,AND PAYING THE PRICE OF BEING DIS FELLOWSHIPPED FROM ARE CHURCH,WHICH WAS VERY TOUGH FOR HER ,BECAUSE SHE WAS THE STRONG ONE ---WE OUR TRYING TO SPEND AS MUCH TIME AS WE CAN TOGETHER--AND SHE LETS ME KNOW WHERE SHE IS AT ALL TIMES----I STILL HAVE SOME VERY ROUGH TIMES--BUT SHE SEEMS WILLING TO MOVE FORWARD WITH OUR LIVES

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> SHE HAS MADE A FULL CONFESSION TO OUR BISHOP,AND PAYING THE PRICE OF BEING DIS FELLOWSHIPPED FROM ARE CHURCH </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let me get this straight...she's made a full confession, is repentant, and they are still revoking her fellowship?

Doesn't sound like a church I'd want to be a part of. You may want to reconsider your involvement as well because you are BOTH going to need a lot of help to recover. They don't sound very supportive.

Hang in there, you can recover.

Low

Please turn off your CAPS lock key.

I HAVE BEEN READING SURVIVING AN AFAIR
WHAT IS ,OR WHERE DO I FIND PLAN A OR B?
Finish reading "Surviving An Affair" and then read it again.

PAYING THE PRICE OF BEING DIS FELLOWSHIPPED FROM ARE CHURCH
What would she have to do to get a fellowship again?

dis fellowshipped in our church does not mean ex comunicated,its more of a form of repentance,she is supposed to attend all meeting,have family and personal pray ,read scriptures and meat with the bishop weekly----it is very good support