CC:

You must see your doc ASAP and start ADs.

Suicidal thoughts are a bad sign. In fact when I was a resident in the ER we were taught that all patients that had suicidal ideas had to be admitted and put under strict 24 hr surveillance.

I agree with my wife------ you are now sounding VERY depressed and you NEED Tx right away. Call your doc in the morning!

Tell your H how you feel. He needs to be informed!

God Bless you!

CC:

I ache for you. I feel I *was* you, about a year and a half ago. I know too well some of the feelings you express. And I'm worried for you.

Like you, I was the WW. I remember feeling so ashamed, so disgusting. So completely unworthy of anything good. I stopped going to temple (we're Jewish) because I felt that there were good people there, and good people like that shouldn't be around someone like me.

I also had people tell me that I did deserve a second chance -- most notably, my husband. But it's not as easy as all that, is it? Because it doesn't matter who else says it; you have to feel it yourself. And you don't yet. And I didn't, not for many, many months.

I also had suicidal moments. Too many of them. But your instinct is right -- if you act on it, you will hurt your husband far worse that he's been hurting. And your kids! So, if you can't stay alive for yourself right now, do it for them.

I wish there were magic words or a secret formula to make it all better. It just takes time. It gets better each day when you can look at yourself in the mirror and know that you are not the person you were a few months ago. That each day that goes by is a day between who you were and who you will become.

Perfection doesn't come overnight. Probably never. But day by day, each day you struggle to improve, you earn the right to feel a little better about yourself. It builds up slowly over time, until finally, you realize you ARE worthy.

What you're doing (what we're all doing here) is incredibly brave. It would be easy to throw in the towel and walk away. Far harder to take accountability and work to turn it around. It takes courage, CC. It takes guts. You should be commended.

-- Wiegee

Stanley and wiegee,
Thanks for your words. I'm trying to hang on. Actually, I'm going to spend the day trying to sleep. I just feel so tired. I'll try to call my doc asap.

CC

CC,
Not to belabor the point but you said...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Actually, I'm going to spend the day trying to sleep. I just feel so tired. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is another indication of depression.

Weigee,
Not to threadjack but I wanted to say hello to you and your MB persona. Sounds like the Bad Husband has given up.

Mac

cwmac,
Thanks for your concern. I think I'm also tired b/c I haven't eaten lately. Severe lack of appetite. Right now I'm too tired to do anything anyway, so I'm "safe". I'm reading more here today, so hopefully it'll help.

CC

CC,
I am concerned bc I had suicidal thoughts a month after I found out about the PA.

If you catch yourself thinking about how you might do it. Run to a doctor immediately. It's called the plan and it usually distinguishes between a specific suicidal death wish and the general thought of suicide that most depressed people only fantacize about.

Lack of appetite is another sympton, but you knew that already.


Mac

<small>[ December 10, 2004, 02:52 PM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

CC---I am very concerned about your well-being. YOu sound like you had given up. It does not even sound like you. You usually post lenghty posts and explain with detail whats going on with you. But yesterday and today, you had written very quick notes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
Whats the advise your therapist is giving you?? What is she telling you to do to feel better with yourself.? Has she talked to your husband as well, and advise him what to do?
Do you talk to your parents,or sibblings? Or any close friends? You cannot let yourself go, just sleeping the whole day without eating!! YOU need to do things, you have to push yourself, even if you dont want to.
My husband and I are here if we can help you in any way, thru here or e-mails, or phone. Please take care!!


Myrta

Myrta,
Thank you for caring. I'm feeling a little better. I posted on the Recovery board. My H is picking up chinese food for me right now. I had a very rough day, but it's slowly getting better. I appreciate your well-wishes. I'm sorry I worried you. I worried me too, but I hope I"ll be okay. I think that I've just come out of the fog and realization sunk in. This part is harder than the first 6 months... I feel low and non-worthy, but I talked to my H and he's being sympathetic and supportive. Thank you again. I'll post updates later, if I can.

cwmac(? can't remember the initials!):
That post scared me, b/c I did have an initial "plan" which is the first time my thought processes got that far. I even decided which meds I'd take. Scary. I can't see my doc, b/c he's a family friend and doesn't know about the A. I should call my IC back b/c she has a psychiatrist on board who might be able to help me. If I feel desperate, I'll call, but for now, I want a warm meal and some quiet time with my H. Thanks for your concern and for your support. It means a lot to me.

CC

P.S. Myrta: How would we exchange email addys?? I'd be interested in writing to you......

CC,

I hope you have sought some professional help for your depression. You mentioned on another thread that you think the fog is clearing and you are seeing the damage you have done. I hope you are right, but I also hope you see the good things awaiting you as you move out of this fog.

Your H and your children have been there for you all along, ACCEPT this gift of love from them. They need you to accept it and not be guilty about it. They need you to shift from guilt to remorse. Guilt is supposed to be a paralyzing emotion, whereas remorse is an emotion that demands action.

You are sitting in the guilt, but move to the remorse. You taking your life or even thinking about it robs everyone including yourself of their future and their happiness.

You have brought pain because you are loved, but because you are loved you can bring happiness to your children, your H, and yourself.

So stop and look at the good things please.

God Bless,

JL

JL,
Thank you for your words. (I changed my sn to Buttercup, thanks to Jimmy Mack and 2OAK). I am speaking with my IC, although she hasn't suggested meds yet, which surprises me. I didn't go into detail with her about how much I was thinking about ending it all-I briefly went over that with her on the phone. Felt guilty, even over that! If I feel desperate again, I promise I'll either confide in H or tell her straight out how serious I was.

Now, how do I move on from guilt into remorse? I'm at a loss. I keep on wondering why H or the children WANT to still be with me (not that the children know anything). I'm still feeling rather worthless, and it's all self-imposed. My son said to me tonight, "You look beautiful, but then again you always do," and I felt like crying. Here I was, feeling horrid, and he was able to compliment me. Amazing! It's little things like that that will enable me to turn this around, I hope! I still need guidance though-and a lot of it. I told you I'm stubborn!!

CC

Hey CC-- Are you logged on now?? I want to send you my e-mail <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> .

Myrta

Well Buttercup,

Let's examine this a moment, shall we? What is guilt really about. It is KNOWING you are doing or about to do something you should not. Usually if someone feels guilty enough, it stops them from doing it, or it ends them doing it. Now in your case it did not work. But, NOW you feel guilty right? Well it is too late for guilt so you might as well stop.

Now let's consider remorse. That is something you feel AFTER you have done something wrong and you know it is wrong. Remorse is a feeling that seems like guilt, but the guiding thing with this feeling is that you feel the need to make it up, and sometimes you feel worthless. These two things are related in my mind. The worthless feeling seems to show up when you don't know HOW to make it up, or to show remorse.

In the case of your children they don't know about the A, although depending on their ages they have made the connection to your feelings and the presence of the OW. As they get older, they will likely put two and two together. However, at this stage it is hard to show remorse because they would not understand why you feel remorse. So you need a plan on how to do that with them given the situation.

Now let's take your H. You are at a loss on how to really show remorse or to make it up to him aren't you? Worse you are not sure you love him and as you stated not long ago you are not sure you want to be married to him because you are not attracted to him. Have I got this right?

Permit me to offer you some suggestions about showing remorse. You could ask your H what you could do to help him feel better. You could of course state you are sorrow for breaking your vows and hurting him, but actions are what is needed. So what would they be? Ask him, but I think one of them would be for you to act like you enjoy being around him. That even if you don't feel deep love at this moment you are relaxed around him and want him to feel and be the same way around you. How do you relax your man Buttercup? Think about that.

Now why do your kids and your H love you? Excellent question. Your kids do because you are their mom and instincts being what they are this is natural. But, more than that they love you because they do. How about your H. He loves you on many levels and he does because he does.

However, there is something else you need to realize about your H. He sees a beautiful woman. He smells a beautiful woman. When he touches you he touches a beautiful woman. When you touch him you melt him inside. I can no more define beauty to you than walk on the moon, although I want to do that some day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But, I can tell you that your kids and your H see things in you that you cannot see. Trust them on this Buttercup. Let them love you and enjoy it, accept it, revel in it, and then do your best to be loving back.

I know I have told you this before, but love is a verb, not a feeling. It is what you do. But the doing generates feelings. It is how your affair bloomed. You did things for OW and she for you, but what I have noticed that while everyone appreciates that someone else does for them, including meeting needs, it is the doing for the other person that deepens the love. Your H has been doing and sacrificing for you for a long time it has strengthened his love and commitment. Is there a limit? Yes, and what I and others have feared is that you are closer to his limit than you realize.

You are still in a position to love him, not feel love for him, but to love him. You are still in a position when your family sees the good in you, and they know there is more in there, that is what they are looking for Buttercup the good in you. They are not interested in the bad, they are in the good.

So please stop for a second. Remember how you described your marriage to OW when you first met her? Well, most of that is there, BUT...there can be a depth to it that has never been there before. Your H has seen the worst in you, and he is still there. Did you ever realize how much he loved and cared for you? You know now. It is very deep.

Buttercup, you are working from a position of strength here NOT weakness. You are not worthless to the people in your life, I would bet even now your H would lay down his life to save yours.

I realize that you are only hearing part of what I am saying but keep rereading this post in the next few days and more of what I am saying will be come clearer to you.

You are in remorse when you are willing to DO something to make the situation better. I think you are getting there fairly rapidly now.

I live in CA Buttercup, and here houses are only taxed on the sale price. Why? Because a houses worth is only what someone is willing to pay for it, and the sale price is that number until a new number is arrived at by the next seller and buyer.

You are only worth to your H what he is willing to pay. And Buttercup he has been willing to pay a lot for you. He wanted you happy all along. HE still wants you happy. You may not realize this but you are highly valued and his actions prove that.

So rather than being down, thank your H for valuing you as he has. It is a simple thing really, it just requires a "thank you". You will be in remorse then Buttercup because you will have done something. Everyday just a little something, a "thank you", an ILY if you feel it, a pat on the back for him, a hug, a favor, whatever. Everyday take a little step and I think you will come to understand why you should be where you are, not on some slab in the morgue, or off with someone else.

It will come Buttercup, time and patience, T&P. Take those small steps each day and you will be able to relieve the remorse.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Myrta,
I'm still here...

JL,
I'm reading your post...

CC

Please tell me when you get it, so I can erase It!

Myrta,
I didn't get anything yet. Can you automatically email me from this board?? I'm lacking brain function today!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ December 10, 2004, 10:47 PM: Message edited by: Myrta ]</small>

Myrta,
Got it! I'm writing to you now.

JL,

Okay, I read it, but I have to admit that it'll take many more times before it sinks in. You're gonna remember me as the most stubborn one, aren't you?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Okay, I guess I haven't reached the remorse phase yet, because today and lately I've felt so weak with guilt that I couldn't even bear the thought of trying to make anything up to anybody. I felt useless.

My children aren't babies (they're 16 and 14), so I think that they've already figured all of this out--they're just not asking questions right now. We are a VERY close family, and I'm especially close to my children. We usually share a lot. I already know what they love about me-they're not hesitant to share the good and bad with me. They love my sense of humor, most of all. They love my smile-they tell me that it makes them smile too. They love my support of them, and just generally my being around them. They LOVE my attention, individually and together. Just watching a movie or playing a game (yup, even as teenagers, they still want to be with me/us; guess that's an honor, huh?) is still requested.

About my H... I was always pretty sure that I wanted to remain married to him. And I was ALWAYS sure that I loved him (even during the A). The only thing I'm unsure of is if I'm *in love* with him. I haven't felt attractive, nor attracted to anyone for quite a while, including him. As a matter of fact, the whole idea of him even wanting me made me fearful and anxious. I wasn't sure that I wanted him, and I didn't want to lead him on. That whole part still scares the heck out of me--the uncertainty of my sex life. I guess time will tell.

You asked about being relaxed around my H, etc. I've indicated that he and I have ALWAYS gotten along, and wanted to be together. We have a deep connection that I believe will never be broken. I DO enjoy being with him, and he enjoys being with me. He sees me letting my guard down a little more each day and he doesn't hesitate to tell me so. Just tonight, we watched a movie together. I sat at his feet, in between his legs, like I used to a long time ago. He stroked my hair, as he liked to do. It made him happy (and me too-I didn't realize how much I missed his attention). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Now I have to stop and say that I grew up around lawyers, and I tend to think like one. No offense to any lawyers here, but I take things and over-analyze them (to death) and always look for the worst. It's my upbringing. Something very hard to break. That being said, if my H still shows signs of being attracted to me, I automatically think, "What's wrong with HIM, that he'd still want me after I hurt him??". I guess it's a defense mechanism--my harsh ways. It takes a lot to make me accept things at face value. What you said is true--my H has shown the most deep, loyal love for me. I think that I always knew he'd be like that, although I'm extremely grateful that he is!

I've been trying to break down my own walls, and thank him, a little bit each day. I have to try not to examine every little thing and just take things as they come. I'm trying... I know that things are still tentative and that he could get fed up tomorrow and walk. But I think we've come a far way already, and he appreciates each step.

Thank you for your words. I'll re-read this for days until it does sink in!

CC

Myrta,
Did you get my email yet??