Thanks again, AW.

I have been an uneducated version of Plan A for about 6 or 7 weeks. I have been doing an educated version for about 3 weeks. As my orientation has always been to fix things, I tend to be impatient.

It is possible for them to have contact without my knowing it. She works night so he can call her on break at work and I won't know. If I can reach OM SOF, I think the 2 of us can track calls.

I do not want to bring her family into this. Her parents are in their 70's and FIL is not in very good health. He is aware of EA but not PA. He doen't approve but that doesn't seem to make a difference to WW.

Talked with my attorney this AM and will see an
attorney Monday PM who specializes in this type of situation. According to my attorney, the guy has a big enough name that OM's attorney will tell him this is serious.

Must go as a customer just showed up'

Look forward to next post.

I have decided not to enable her on "holiday".

She is stubborn and will probably try to go anyway. Do you think it would be a good idea to tell her that if she goes, I will change locks on doors and leave her belongings where she can get to them, i.e. outside.

OK see how you not wanting to harm inlaws however remember that they will be hurt should you separate because of her adultery in any event. YOu have control only over your actions.

Not giving her approval for this affair holiday is a hard but I think correct move. I mean how many wife & husbands invite the other for a portion of the holidays with them for goodness sakes. SHE is YOUR wife not a gf who lives by herself. Total absolute cr*p.

As I understand your post you are seeing the lawyer so as to increase the pressure on the OM is that right?
I did assume it was your intention at this time and not Dv or separation but a move to put pressure on OM. In that case what about just starting the opening moves on legal action for alienation of affection?
That might be a good ploy to place pressure on the OM, nothing that will cost too much, or is irreversable but perhaps something that could be delievered by a bailiff or court officer or service agent etc, especially if SOF is home!!!

Dont give up on contacting SOF press ahead, find out where she works, whatever it takes to get the info to her,,,maybe by secure post where she must sign for it to receive it so OM cannot hide it from her.

Now as for changing locks get your lawyer to advise you, adultery may or may not be a reason to enable you to do this. It dpends on the name on the title, or lease documents.
However by doing so what are you saying... dont come back? See what I mean it may work but it may not & its hard to do plan A when she is not there.
I suggest you dont do that yet.

At this time the aim of plan A is to entice her back to the m and commit to working on herself and the M while you do the same.
Now Plan A is recommended to go for about 6 months for men - if you can last out for that time. You are about half way & shes at least talking to you.
The next step is Plan B where you seek for her to leave the M home as she is the adulteress and are totally in no contact with her. But you should only do this where you find your love for her dying or disappearing, e,g you dont care much anymore. Plan B is to protect the love you have left.
It leaves her totally dependant on OM to obtain her EN's and as hes got a SOF & family I doubt she will get it - most men do not leave a family for an affair. But it happens.
You can get info on Plan b if you need to go down that track.

I think you do need to tell her bluntly - before she goes on the trip - about the affair knowledge you have, how her actions are hurting you and destroying the M.
Tell her you are committed to working on the M even if it means a lot of change by both of you, you are willing to put the work in to meet her En's.

So be careful about the lock out unless you want her out. Remember in the end you cannot force her to do anything at al, you can only ask and demonstrate how much you have improved.

Thanks for response AW. I needed support this AM as I am feeling stress over marriage and being behind on contracts.

I am still plan Aing. WW and I spent several hours together last night. we just talked about different things and started to finish eachothers sentences. We talked about work and life experiences and while we have never been in the same field of work, we have both worked as "helping professionals" and have had the emotional payoffs that make those jobs special.
She had one recently.

She is still in touch with OM. I know she talked with him on 1/17 as I found note she made about phone conversation. It was interesting as she had written that she suspected he was still with"NH". Also, had written OM still interested in meeting 2/5 but was she? I am pretty sure that there have been contacts since then.

She seems to be pushing him hard for a committment and I think he is stalling on it. WW has been pushing for this for possibly as long as 2 months. WW is not patient and I'm surprised she has held on this long.

My meeting with attorney is aimed at two things. One is to find out how to protect assets if we end up going for divorce. The other is to pressure OM through sending letter or similiar device. I want him to realize this could be the most expensive roll in the hay he ever had. Also, between WW's pressure and this, he might start thinking with his head rather than other parts of his anatomy.

I have backed off asking for committment to marriage and the like.

I am not going to change locks but I am concerned about how well I am going to handle myself while she is gone. I can work a lot more to keep occupied but I am concerned about my imagination. In particular, the thought that haunted me last night was what if she gets committment from OM, will she come back from vacation?

Enough for now. I have "date" with WW today. I am taking her shopping and when we get back we are going to spend more quiet time together.

Again AW, thanks for post and look forward to next one. They are very helpful.

what did the lawyer say about options to put pressure on the OM?

Having done the lawyer thing and looked at options, do you intend to talk to your WW about the issues now? What you know, contact in January, etc?

I feel if you go ahead with the letter etc to the OM from your lawyer you say nothing to her yet, might be a good test to see if contact is ongong.

Depending on what the lawyers says etc you need to consider ways to include what you have learned in the PLAN A tactics...any ideas working away at you yet?

Thanks again AW.

Lawyer feels that with the evidence I have presented, we could bring case against OM and probably win. He will send a letter if I retain him, for a hefty fee. Letter will basically say stop contact and you have 30 days to settle up financially. If not, we go to court. He would then file suit and off we go.

He suggested that I send letter to OM saying I had consulted with attorney and that we had a winneable case. Close it out with demand to stop contact with WW.

I am not sure what I will do here as it is a big gamble. It could end the A but so estrange WW that saving marriage would be impossible.

I am not sure that I understand last paragraph so I don't know how to respond.

Look forward to more advice.

ktu136,

Like you, I just found out my W was having an A (for 9 mo). I chose not to let the OMW know, but left it as a threat to him when I confronted him on the phone. We'll see what happens.

K & NW,

Hi guys, I just read through this thread and I have one thing to say to both of you. Tell the OMW/SO.

That's it. As long as they (WS/OP) think you'll hold off on telling, they'll continue seeing each other, or they'll stop seeing each other fo a little while, and then restart, b/c they'll feel like they 'got away with it'.

Here's what happened to me:

My H and the OW were in a hotel room when her H called on her cell phone, confronting her with evidence of the A. At the time I knew nothing. As she was denying it to him, he was, using another phone, calling my H's cell phone (got the # from the cell bills), which rang. That's when he told her she was busted. He threatened that if she didn't stop the A, he'd tell me. So, she promised. He backed off. Big mistake. I did eventually find out, b/c my H confessed, and that was what ended the A, but, my point is, it could have ended months earlier if OWH had had the guts to call me.

You are sparing no one by not telling. In fact, by bot telling, the OMW has no opportunity to correct the errors she's made in the M, that helped put the M in the precarious position it's in.

I've heard those who say it's cruel and selfish to tell the BS. Wrong. Does it hurt? You bet. Is it horrible, awful, the worst pain you've ever felt? Yep. But, know this: The pain associated with losing the M, without the chance for recovery is far, far worse.

Good luck, guys. You have a tough job to do.

After multiple attempts on the phone, I sent OM's SOF a restricted delivery letter. I hope to hear from her by end of weekend.

Have drafted letter per attorney to OM. Will probably redo it some as I found out he has one of his businesses up for sale, with real estate. I hate to mess up his transaction, he he he.

Doing better myself today. I had better judgement and attitude today. I hope its an indicator that the SAM-E is taking effect.

I am thinking about including a note in WW's vacation luggage about, while she is away, I might broaden the circle of exposure.

Thanks for posts and, AW I hope your doing okay and I am waiting for more advice from you.

hi ktu

been busy sleeping, cleaning, and enjoying H being home with me, prego girlie stuff I guess. lol <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

anyway read the latest and I think its a good idea to keep the pressure on the OM and good to send the OM' w the info..........I suspect OM has been intercepting all your attempts.

In a way if this is so its a good sign, means he does not want to leave her, hes just having 'fun' though I know how that word in this context must feel to you.

now what I meant in the last post was that having got the info from the lawyer, where you stand, re finances, assets etc etc, not to run off and say 'stuff it and file'.
I understand its painful enough for you to want to but please resist this urge if it comes. There might be a time when this is appropriate but its way way down the track right now.
If there is a way to 'protect' your assets without Dv or separation you might want to investigate this option if things get sticky and difficult with your WW.

Now what talks have gone on between you and your WW about this?
What is she saying about OM, about the affair?
HAve you told her instead of having a holiday she should be here with you fighting for your M?
If so what response did you get?
What does she say when you tell her her affair and current behaviour is hurting you?

I think for you to have some advice right now its important to know what she is doing and saying to you.
It sounds like she is in the deep fog, trying to pacify you,, and work some way to keep the Affair going....eg she is what this site calls is cake walking...wants to use both of you.
Her responses to your calm questions might be telling.

But yes right this moment, getting the info to the OM 'W is the most important thing....exposing to HIS work mates might be also useful as placing pressure on him........someone may talk to the OM''wife.

AW I hope things are going well for you. If you are having warm weather down there, send me some.

No response to letter but I have found a mutual friend who will help relay message. I'll keep trying.

Running out of places to expose WW's side of affair. FIL has been aware of EA for awhile. He has told WW he doesn't approve but to do whatever makes her happy. He excuses her behavior due to menopause.

WW has been drinking heavily last two days. One bottle of wine and 9-10 beers each day. I suspect guilt, dishonesty etc. are getting to her.

My next place to expose is her work. I'll go to head honcho, a good man, and hope that he can give me some help. I don't know how well it will go as WW is highly valued at work.

OM is self-employed, like me, so there aren't too many people to go to there. I will try his church, it might work as some branches of his group practice "shunning".

I keep rereading WATS guidelines. they are a great source of comfort.

Thanks again.

WW continues to drink very heavily. she has always drank 3 or 4 beers after work but she polished off at least 14 yesterday.

OM and WW have new pattern of communication. I think I have figured it out. Will not let WW know but will keep record.

I am wondering now if M is worth trouble. If she has slipped over edge to alcoholism, which problem do I deal with first.

Her time away , I think is going to be helpful to me. It will give me time to think about problems, talk with her boss, and to search for more stuff on drinking.

As far as I can determine, she doesn't drink before going to work but with her away, I can look for hidden stashes. I, also, will try to search work locker with her boss.

I started a topic on GQII about alcoholism and affairs in regards to which to deal with first. The majority of replies said the alcoholism had to be dealt with first.

Rather I like it or not, I am going to have to consider wife an "alky" and deal with that first. I am not looking forward to that as the chances of her going into recovery are not real high.

I do have some leverage because of her occupation, RN, and I think employer will help as WW is #3 on management table of organization.

Of course this may be academic as I am not sure she will return from vacation. I am, also, not sure that I care if she returns or not right now.

I have found a bright spot in all of this. If she stays with OM, he gets to deal with the drinking, a bargain he never thought about.

WW and I leave in about 2 hours for my share of her holiday. I plan on having a good time on her "dime".

I have taken a hard copy of WATS guidelines and put it in my luggage. I am going to need it because the last 2 plus days I have had the unwelcome thought of having my own fling. I think this is motivated partly by wanting to get revenge, partly by a need for a self esteem boost, and partly by being horny.

Must get going as I do have odds and ends of work to finish before leaving.

I think you need to go directly to plan B and send the letter to the OM.

well KTU how has the few days gone?? any improvement?

Right now DO NOT go to Plan B ..way to early I think, its really when you can no longer STAND her and start to find you are gettting indifferent to her or disliking her and losing your love.
Its to protect the love you have left.

The side effect can be that it also helps you get off the wild ride and constant pain and hurting having the A in your face. But not yet I think unless a professional advisor says otherwise.

lets us know how things are going. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi AW , I am back.

WW and I had a good couple of days together sightseeing, eating out, etc. Very little talk about marriage and what there was was my stating my position on marriage. I asked for and wanted no feed back from her outside of that she understood my position, which she did. No Angry outbursts, no demands, no love busters.

As to OM, what a weasel. He intercepted letter to his SOF, read it, and then called and left message on answering machine. He knewI would get message first and asked to speak to WW. Said "we" had read letter and wanted to speak to WW. He closed by saying it looked like I won. WW does not know about message, to the best of my knowledge. Message was done 3 hours after we left.

I returned call next day, got him, and ask to speak to SOF. He said she was with grand kids and wouldn't return till 2-12. He asked who was calling, I ided myself truthfully and got a huge pack of lies. I said good bye and hung up.

I had friend, who knows OM, listen to recording. They said that he didn't sound normal, sounded very stressed.

I sent e-mail to him this evening thanking him for info and would contact SOF at daughters. Also, included a little info on PA so that he knows I know. Told him I would contact him tomorrow with details on no-contact letter. Also, suggested he leave area until 2-10, the day after WW returns home.

I don't know if what I did was the wisest thing but it feels good to have this power over him. Based on what I know and have been told, he needs SOF because she has half interest in their businesses. Also, my WW was a "conquest" for him, not a serious love intrest.

We will see what happens next.

ok, good to see that you can talk with her..
Does she talk about the two of you at all?
Is the relationship ever discussed?

Has she told you what she is thinking about the affair?

I get the impression from your posts that she just wants to pretend it never happened and that OM is just a friend. Do you think thats the case?

now please be careful NOT to shift your target...thats getting your WW back into the M.

I know it must be very empowering to have the OM over a barrell so to speak, but its a very fine line to run....you dont want to leave him in a position of looking attractive to your WW. Its your plan A which is supposed to make YOU the attractive partner meeting as many needs as possible.

I still feel that you may have aloowed yourself to get a big hit with her having you for part of the holiday?? I mean what is that??? I feel you should not have gone under these circumstances, but I know its your choice and I understnd you feel very vulnerable and probably cling to what seems any offer from her.
Please be careful with this as it can set you up to being used and really put your plan way back.

Remember that Plan A MUST have boundaries that make YOU feel safe as possible and one of them is not letting her rub your nose in it.
I cannot say in all honesty if I would have done similar or not if I had wanted to keep teh A going. She is probably very much in what we call 'fog' right now.

I would feel better for you if she was going nto withdrawal over the OM and being a bit remote or cried or something. It what makes me think there is still contact.

For now concentrate on getting the info to his - the OM's - BS, explain clearly and without emotion the affair, how it ended up a PA and how you are trying to keep your ww and Om apart and giving up the affair and working back to the M.

DONT BE DISTRACTED WITH REVENGE.

If you feel ok with it let the OM's BS know your contact number and let her know you would be willing to let her know if any contact resumes or sounds like resuming. She can do the same.

I think you are right that it sounds as if the OM was having a bit on the side and has no intention of leaving his 'wife' for your WW or anyone else. Perhaps its not his first time and his BS has said any more and its over.

Its good thats hes stressed though........ also wondered how he could get mail that only his BS was supposed to be able to collect??? didn't you say it was sent by secure mail ?
Anyway he did so thats that.

remember keep focused on the main aim, getting your wife back into YOUR M. I'm praying for you and your ww. It will work!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks for post AW. I made notes this time so I could answer in one reply.

WW talked some about us, primarily before trip. On trip, I really wanted no feedback from her as I think she is so muddled it wouldn't be worth beans. One thing she has said, life was easier for her before I started to
do plan A activities. My reading of that was it was easier to justify her actions while I was being thoughtless and neglectful.

We have not talked about her thinking on affair.

Your impression is probably right.

As to going on trip, I had my own agenda. Part of it was to see if I still cared enough to work towards saving M. I do, but not as much as I did say 2 or 3 weeks ago. Another part was to get away from work and let my subcontractors do there thing without my standing over them.

A third part of the agenda was exposure. By being there, and this is an island with only 700 people living there, my goal was to be seen with her and to get people to talking if she were seen with OM.

As to the clingy and vulnerable part, While that is still there some, it is much less than say 2 3 weeks ago.

Thanks for reminding me of goal. I was starting to get too focused on him. I will back off though I will send him sporadic e-mails to keep his stress level up.

I will continue to work on contacting SOF. I will run a quick internet check on her to see if I can get daughters name and address. With her there for a week, I can send stuff without his interference.

The letter he responded to was sent restricted delivery to her only. When I get receipt back, I will contact approiate authorities.

Thanks for response. Hopefully, I will have more info tomorrow to share.

Back again.

I am amazed how many stupid pills my WW has taken. WAT sure hit it on the head in his quick start guide. She made her evening checkin from a payphone 150 miles from where she is suppose to be. I thought she and OM would do this. Considering all their differences, time together should help them break off affairBut I am still amazed considering she knows we have caller id.

I have sent letter to OMs SOF at her daughters house. She should get it Monday. I am sure OM is going to tell SOF I am a nut case who is upset because he has been having "conversations" with WW.Matter of fact, he maybe doing it as I post.
I have alternate communication route to use if necessary.

WW's voice tones on phone tells me she was irritated but trying to mask it. I hope she gets a few drinks under belt tonight, OM will be in for the ride of his life.

Well, time to go.

Just a short little update. WW comes home from her excursion today. In spite of all that has happened, I am still looking forward to seeing her.

Letter to OM's SOF was delivered Monday PM at her daughter's house. No contact with her yet but I seemed to have upset apple cart with first letter anyway.

Talk at you latter.