Good for you! You sound so strong! That must have been rough. Are you nervous about them talking? I can't even stand the fact that he could still talk to her after the physical stuff was done, and it drives me CRAZY that he is still at work with her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I am soo glad we are moving! I wish you had the same possibility. Keep faith and stay strong!

I guess I was blessed in the fact that when I found out we had already been moved to another city 3.5 years. Her phone, email and AIM contacts were recent but at least there was a physical distance separating the 2. She told me they hadn't been face-to-face other than when we saw him on trips briefly when we ret'd back to that town.

Do either of you know all the gory details of what actually took place physically or have you been left to "imagine?" Imagining what went on is killing me...yet I think knowing might scar the details deep in my mind and hurt even harder and longer. Help?

Dear 2,
C'mon, 10 minutes has passed. Have you heard anything yet from your H? I'm praying 4ya.

Yes, I know exactly everything that when on both times sex took place, and all the kisses in between. To be honest, those kisses in between bothered me more than the act itself. I asked him to describe the differences between us, and what he was feeling, and whether he screamed her name, and all kinds of things I probably shouldn't have asked. Part of me wanted to know everything, because of the kind of person I am, and another part wanted to know if when he was doing that he was ****ing her or if there were feelings behind it. He could tell me there were no feelings, but when you go into some of those details, it gives you a bigger sense of what was real and what wasn't.

When asked for details my wife just generalizes and says it was all evil & wrong. Claims not to remember even how often they did it over the course of 12 months. Weekly? Monthly? Other? "I don't remember." The AIM log I read gave me enough detail to give me ulcers. Ugh!!!

Yes, I am strong, but there in lies my problem. I feel strong enough to leave him. The bible says that I can for marital unfaithfulness. It also talks about God never leaving us or forsaking us (the way our spouses did). So I feel like I can move on if I need to.

It is also this strength that has hardened my heart. I don't feel like I love him anymore, even though I did till the moment this was revealed. I loved him with all my heart. I too considered him my best friend. We continue to enjoy each other, share common interests. I don't even like to look at him anymore.

Last night he stared at me like a deer caught in headlights after I let him have it. I got up and walked away and I'm sure he was in shock for a minute. But ultimately, he did what I asked and that was meet with HR. So when I see him doing these sorts of things, then I think "maybe I should ease up and try to work on this." "maybe I can let the hurt go and pride (since I'm sure his whole office knows) and work on this. Some days I do and some days I don't. It just depends on how I wake up in the morning.

We have counseling today so I will let you know what happens.

I have read many books too. After the Affair is good. I am almost done with Surviving Infidility. I read the Monogomy Myth by a Christian woman, but didn't like it much. She goes to easy on the offender.

I am not confident that my husband wants to be in this marriage. All of his actions point to the fact that he does, but I can't help but wonder if he is in this because 1) it is the right thing to do 2) he's a Christian 3) he knows I'll take him to the cleaners and leave him with nothing! I'm not sure anymore why I'm in it. Is it because 1) I'm a Christian 2) It is the right thing to do 3) I like the money and his position? I think I would have kicked him out long ago if I wasn't an at home mom, had my own income or he didn't make as much as he did. My lifestyle will completely change. I've lost enough...why should I lose that too?

Yes, Rocked, I know the gorry details. On one hand it helped, because it reconfirmed that she is a tramp to the 100th degree. But on the other hand it hurt. He left nothing sacred between us. He did everything with her.

Anyway, he just called to tell me about his meeting. I'll let you know!

Dear 2,
Are you there? I can't wait to hear of a good old fashioned firing! Hopefully not of your husband though. Although you never know what God will do to knock some sense into someone...or at least knock 'em to their knees. Report back when yuou get a chance.

Listen 2. Don't just run from your marriage on that interpretation of that Bible verse. Moses "permitted" divorce due to the hardening of the Israelites hearts. It was not in God's original plan. If you believe God can do ANYTHING then give him a fair chance to perform a miracle in your marriage. Sometimes what keeps me "in" my marriage is knowing that God didn't abandon me when I was wicked and sinning. In fact, I am convicted to show the same love for my wife that He has shown to me. Full of patience, forgiveness and reconciliation. Now I don't mean let your H walk all over you or not make changes. But if he is willing to cut it all off and begin the rebuilding process you gotta give it a shot. Your "strength" is more on display when you reconcile than when you run. Anyone can run. Give it a shot.

Hey true and 2...I gotta call it quits for today. Will you both be on tomorrow? Would like to see how you are doing. Also, it helps me to be able to communicate with others who have been offended. Let's be praying for each other.

Signing off 4 2day.

I agree completely with Rocked. I looked up those Bible passages myself, and felt justified in leaving based on scripture. However, I've thought of it this way too. I have asked God to open my heart to Him on many occasions and show me how He could love me and such. Believe it or not, this is one of the things He has used. I think to myself, if He feels even one ounce of pain about me being the sinner I am, that I feel about my husband's betrayal, and can still forgive me, and love me, and want me to be His, how can I not try to do the same thing. Aren't we suppose to try and acheive that sort of love throughout our lives? I don't know, it's just how I feel.

OK, here it is. HR told him that there is nothing he can do because her contact with him has been of a "friendly" and non-sexual nature. He can only request that she not do it, but if she does, he has no recourse. She is not conducting herself any different from the rest of his staff, so they cannot demand she change.

I told him, that he needs to check with HR to see if he can ask her not to do that or if they can remind her not to do that. I asked him to find out if he is allowed to cut conversations via phone or e-mail short and remind her to contact him about work only? He said he would find that out. He didn't ask that question.

Anyway, in closing I told him I was NOT comfortable with her contact with him. I told him if it can't be stopped then he would have to quit. I said again "I'm tired of making things easy for you. If you can't fix this, then you will have to quit. I'm not comfortable with it. Too bad." So that's that.

He told me when he repented that he understood he could lose everything. He had actually resigned from his job. But when they wouldn't accept it, we agreed that he would go back under a "trial basis" to see if it could work. Well, it isn't.

Do you guys think I should stick to the 3 month rule about his job too, or should I make him quit if this can't be handled differently?

I am not an expert on this issue at all, and I know from my H's experience that it is very difficult to get a job. But, I would say that if this is a major point for you and you don't think your marriage can survive him working there, then he needs to give up that job. I wish could tell you something that would help. I would stay strong in your resolve, though. Show no weakness! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I'm back. Have a few extra minutes. I don't know about the 3 month thing. A lot of damage can happen in 3 months. I lean more toward show me something immediate. At least in this core issue of "continuing contact." Can he ask for a transfer to a diff location? Diff Department? Maybe she can be re-assigned. Persoanlly if my wife was still in the same office with the guy I'd say "put your money where your mouth is" and either get rid of her or you quit! I couldn't handle ongoing contact even if it was supposedly of a "professional" nature. Simple math...good job + no wife, or no job + good wife. It's his decision.

Sorry to bail on you, but I guess I do need to go start dinner, and such. Take care, and talk to you guys tomorrow!

Don't forget to invest in your 3 kids tonight. They can be part of the medicine God uses to heal your heart.

Tomorrow!

Thanks for the advice. I will discuss it tonight in counseling. Exactly, I am having a hard time with the constant contact. I don't think I'm being unreasonable. He did move to a different building, but neither of them can move departments. First he is a Vice President, there is no where else to put him. Second, they cannot move her without moving him too. You can't punish one without doing the same to the other. So either they both stay, or they can both be fired and/or reassigned. Ideally, she could tell HR she no longer wants to work for him and they could reassign her under those request...if she makes it, but not if she doesn't.

I know he will have a difficult time finding another job. He LOVES that job and has spent his entire career, since college graduation there. But again, should I compromise my happiness to bail him out of the mess he made? I think not!

I will continue to remind myself that God calls me to love him as God has loved and forgiven me. But I won't be an idiot...again! Talk to you guys tomorrow!

The counselor just keeps stressing that I focus on what he is doing right. She said he may need to leave the job if it isn't working for me, so she gave him some good advice.

That's were we are. Please pray.

Hi there! I am jumping in to finally say something.. I have followed this thred close. And now that God has joined.. I had to just say a few things to her. Actaully I have so much to say to you God but my eyes are heavy- I probably will have to finish in the morn.... but I did want anyone out there to know I have GREAT computer tracking software- some of the BEST <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> !!! But you have to be prepared as to what you might find out... I have found it and I don't know if I wanted all of this... BUT I sure am glad I have it because I no longer look like a fool!!!!! SOooooooo if you want the "Spy-ware" information let me know......

For now- I am off to bed with my furry babies! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Just a thought on the job issue.

I left a job I loved because it was the right thing to do for my h, even though OM was no longer even in the same state.

The thing was we BOTH agreed for me to find a new job first AND then move asap.
This might be a good compromise depending on how you feel about it.

Dear Aussie,
Good morning and welcome to this thread. I am curious as to your story. Wanna share?