True,
Have you tried taking Tylenol PM? It'll knock ya out. Are you and your H talking very well?

I have taken Benedryl which knocks me out, usually, but it doesnt seem to help. I am up in an instant and don't even feel the groginess I have in the past.
Yes, my H have been talking extensively. We are even throwing in some light-hearted stuff now. Like I said before we are best friends. We both forgot that for awhile, but its still there.
Also, I was going to you guys(that's from my Chicago roots, DogMom)about how your spouses are acting now. All of you had D-days before me and sometimes I'm already starting to feel like my H is tired of all my questions and suspicions. He says he understands them and knows he deserves them, but still gets frustrated. I dont want to start feeling hurt by this, because frankly, I know that I am treating him like a child, but I still do. And yes, I have discussed this with him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My W still gets frustrated at my questions and suspicions too even though she has proved with her behavior (as far as I can tell) that she is on the "up-and-up". I believe it's the natural part of the emotional process I am going through. To wonder and ask those questions. The key I think is to balance out my suspicion with "forward-focused" conversation. Meaning, where we are headed as a couple; our dreams and desires; doing my best to meet her E needs.

Do you, or anyone who's reading this, know the stages of emotions we go through after an A. (I heard it's like a death). SHOCK-DENIAL-ANGER-WITHDRAWAL. ??? Something like that. Since I/We are not yet seeing a counselor I'm not sure what to expect or how to interpret my present E state.

Yes, I do know the stages: they are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. I have been through them all, except acceptance. Actually I read that you accept intellectually long before you do emotionally. Also, you may be past the initial grief period, although I'm guessing not. I know that first week, I went through a lot of slef inflicted denial, because of my D's b-day, and because of Christmas, but I could definitely tell when I passed into some of the other stages. You don't actually proceed through the stages, but continue to go back and forth. I've been stuck in depression and anger a lot. Sometimes, I think to myself, I will stay for the kids sake, but I don't care what H does, and I'm going to find the love I need somewhere else. That's depression talking, when you think why bother.
Sorry to babble again. Part of my personality disorder <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks. Been thru denial, anger (revisit this one at times), not sure what bargaining is? Presently in depression (more of a withdrawal), definitely not acceptance yet.

Do you ever feel it all just SUCKS sometimes??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Yes, I think THIS SUCKS all the time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I sit and think why should we, the BSes, have to do all this mending when we are the ones who got hurt. Our S's got to go out, and "have fun" and experience a sense of freedom, and we are stuck trying to put their immature selfish *sses back into the marriage. Then, I do remember that I love my H, but then, I think, yeah, I would have never done this to him. But then I try to imagine, what if I was feeling as awful as he was(and I am now) and was put into the same situation. Can I really, truthfully say I wouldn't have been caught up in the fact that someone found me so irresistable? Wouldn't I want to keep a realtionship where the other person tells me I am the most incredible thing in the world in every conversation? The answer is no. My husband certainly thought he could handle everything until the SLUT kissed him.
Does any of that make sense?

Yes. It all makes sense. As much as this sounds like double talk on my part - you and I must honestly remember we helped create the environment in our marriages for an A to happen. We didn't make the stupid decision, our S did, but there's a part of us that needs to change if we are going to continue in the M and be fulfilled.

This is the hard part for me because my emotions want to bail and have fun like she did. But, my morals and unexplainable love for my W keep me here and focused.

Where, oh where, are DogMom and 2???

Sleepin in when it's such a nice day to blog! Gimmeabreak! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

what are you getting sick of talking to me, already? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> J/K
I understand my part in the whole pre-A marriage, and take full responsibilty for that part, which is probably one of the reasons I stayed. I knew that there were issues, and didn't do anything to stop it. That being said, it still comes down to the fact that I meant so little to my H that he didn't even think about me until it was over. THEN he realized I was this super woman, and that he had made a huge mistake. I even told him I didn't believe he felt that way, it was just that the OW had dumped him and he was scared of being alone. Plus, he didn't want to lose his kids, which he knew I would probably fight for myself. He says that this isn't true, but how can I not think it if he could "fall" for someone else.
Am I being too serious, here? I guess, that was one of my problems, also.

Sorry for making you think I was sick of you. You've been steady and helpful. Thanks. Just trying to razz our other friends.

I'll be away from my pc for a good chunk of the morn + aftrn. Will catchup by reading when I get back.

Am praying for you and the others.

have fun! will pray for all as well.

2, and DogMom, let me know when you are in.

DogMom, hope you are feeling better today. My kids must have something similar to you. That's why I can type for so long. All three are sitting on the couch in a haze. They don't really want much except to know I am here next to them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

2, I hope your day is filled with less anxiety, and more positive responses from your H.

Hi all... I am here. Sorry for the delay. Had a horrible night!! And not with my sickness- with my H!!!! Now I am in a funk- totally!!!! Rocked... True... you still out there???

Hey Guys!

I'm here but need to run. I have a very different view of our responsiblity with the affair. I accept NO responsilbity. Will discuss later! Got to get my daughter to school.

Hey DogMom, what's up? Sorry to hear about your awful night. If you need to vent, please feel free.
2, I don't think you need to take any responsibility either, from all you say. I just know in my own situation, I do. I was in denial for a long time. Don't get me wrong, I do think we had a "good marriage", but it wasn't "affair-proof", obviously.

Going to do my best to give the short version of my evening... I brought up intimacy to my H- since we have not been intimate in so long... he tells me it's because emotionally he has been so beat up by me. (whatever) I know I can be a *itch, and I know we have had problems... but ANYHOW- he shut down physically on me. SO... I approached him last night asking if he was ever going to open up physically to me ever again. Boy did I start something! I ended up leaving for a little while- only came home because it was FREEZING outside and I was cold. He finally told me his therapist told him, "Your wife should actually be pulling away from you physically and giving you all the space you need right now". OH REALLY???????????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Well, guess what- I am shutting down ALL TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am home sick from work today and usually I would call him to tell him I am awake or say hi or something... SCREW THAT!! If I don't talk to him all f-ing day I DON'T CARE!!!! So, you think I'm in my anger stage? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Before last night I was doing my BEST to fill his love bank, tell him how attractive he is, tell him how proud of him I am.... BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. NO MORE!!! I am shut down!!! Am I terrible? Am I over-reacting? I KNOW I have a tendency to be a drama queen but I am so tired of filling his love bank and mine NOT being filled.......

Anyhow- feedback- please????

FYI- I will be gone for about an hour- gotta go to the Dr. but then will be home all day. So... tell me thoughts!!!

My first ut reaction is, are you sure it is over? My H and I pretty much stopped being intimate during the A, and afterward because of the guilt he was feeling. Right before he revealed everything to me, we had one of those heartfelt conversations that I wish we would have had before he decided to screw some whore, oops, sorry, but we made love that night, and that's what it was--love. He says he felt like he was back. Since then, he has been very affectionate, and we have done that many times, even over the phone, since I am not near him.
I suppose your H could be in that fog thing that people talk about. I would question his therapist. Everything I read says you have to start acting like the loving, intimate, caring couple even if you don't feel like it. I really think this has helped my H and me. I started touching him soon after, and it made me remember how much I do love him, and his touch made me feel like he really DID love me, even though he forgot for a short time.
Hope that long winded answer helps!

That was NOT a long-winded answer AT ALL!! Let me say- yes, I am sure it's over. He has no idea about the software on his computer- he thinks I hired a private eye and his every more is being recorded... so not only does he tell me EVERYTHING he thinks someone is reporting his every move to me. BUT- in my heart and soul I feel it IS over.

>>> Hey- gotta finish in a little bit- gotta get to the doctor! SOOO sorry- I lost track of time and I am late already.... be back SOOO soon... but feel free to give more advice while I am gone. WHAT DID I DO BEFORE YA"LL??????

maybe the fact that he feels like he is being monitored 24/7causes some of that withdrawl. Even tough he deserves it, it is probably tough to be treated that way, at least that is what my H says. Like I said, though, he does deserve it.
Again, I would really question his therapist. I can understand the therapist saying YOU might pull away, that does seem natural, but I would also think that the therapsit would encourage him to express his love for you as much as he can. Being intimate again, can do that, if it is done correctly. Are you going to couples counceling? I cannot wait to begin mine, just because I feel like it is a positive step for us.
It scares me when people say they have been through it before and the guy still cheated again, but I guess I am cautiously optimistic.
Hope your dr. appointmen goes well.

Hi trutoself...
I am too being affectionate, loving, understanding...the works! My H is reciprocating (splg?) the same towards me.
But, today I am having one of those bad days. The one that pulls up the angry feelings again. I am making a MC appt today (something I told him I wished he would have done). This will be our 3rd time in counseling over a 23 year M period (26 together). I just can't shake that he's not, not being honest with me (hope I made sense here).

He says he still doesn't know why the A's happen (They are years apart. Occur when he's on a road trip and he meets the OP in a bar who says she "just" wants sex. Then emails and phone conversations which last about 8 weeks. The OP usually lives 100's of miles or more away.).

The strange thing is that I felt we have always been what I thought was intimate. We have loved and cared for each other and have a wonderful sex life (well at least I was never told different).

It's like they've pop out of the blue when I least expected it. I not only feel dumb, I feel I am blind too.

Today I am having a hard day.
Need some words of wisdom...

M 013082
BS me 47
FWH 44
DD 111504
NC 111604
S 21
D 15
Feels like recovery...

Good morning all! Slept well, but woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Had a brief crying fit during my prayer time this morning.

I want to elaborate on not taking responsiblity for what happened in the marriage. I am big on this. I accept NO responsiblity and let me explain why. I am going primarly from a biblical point of view. So stay with me and this will be long.

What reason does the bible give for leaving a marriage? Marital unfaithfulness...NOTHING ELSE! There is nowhere in the bible where it says, you can cheat on your spouse if you are unhappy in the marriage. Part of the definition of marriage is unhappy! I don't know anybody on planet earth through all of history who hasn't been unhappy at some point in there marriage...right?

OK, so what? Your spouse was unhappy. Is that your fault? NO! My spouse has made me very unhappy over our 7 years of marriage...not just the one year while he was cheating. I never liked the way he didn't stand up to his mother about me, or the way he took on my mood. So if I was in a bad mood, he was too. He made me unhappy too...did I go screw someone? NO! Did you Rocked, True of Dog?...NO! So I don't care if I was the worst wife in the world! If I put us in debt, kept a filthy house, weighed 300 lbs and was nasty to him daily, he is called to, as my husband love me. And you know what? That's what we did right?

My husband worked late all the time and essestially abandoned us to screw some whore. He stole money from us to take her to dinner, he pushed away from me emotionally during this time, neglected me, rejected me and put me down (NOW this was during the 1 year affair. He was nothing like this before). Did I love him? You bet I did! With all the s**t he dished me, I still loved him. Now I wasn't doing any of that. I remained loyal, made dinner, handled the kids, did what was expected of me, and I continued to love him. I'd didn't cheat on HIM while he mistreated me. And I didn't mistreat him!

The other point is that during all this, I was still happy. Even with him only giving me less than half of himself at that time, I was very content with life. I had 2 healthy kids, friends and family, lovely home, a supportive church. I was happy even with him mistreating me during that time.

I think a lot about my mother. My father was horrible to her. She was always geninuely happier than him and never cheated. We are NOT responsible for their happiness. They need to accept us as we are...shortcomings and all. We aren't perfect and neither are they. BUT we choose to love them and NOT cheat.

Also, I kept telling my husband "Why did the opinion of an insignificant whore matter more than the opinion of your wife?" OK, so she chased you and made you feel special. SO! Believe it or not hubby, I've had my fair share of men come on to me. Did I give a damn? NO! Because I could care less if they wanted to sleep with me, or thought I was sexy or funny. SO WHAT! Who are they to me?

So like I as telling my husband this morning, you have to not only take responsibiltiy for having the affair, you need to take responsiblity for your own happiness. If you want sex, you initiate it EVERY time then. If you want to date me, you plan it! If you want to feel attracted to me, you create mood. You take responsibility for your actions and feelings. I can no more make you feel attracted to me, than I can make you not cheat on me. YOU OWN IT ALL!

So honestly, I don't think his A had anything to do with me. He had EVERYTHING and was still unhappy and dissatisfied with HIMSELF that some groupie comes along and he buys into a little ego boost. Again from a whore! Who cares what she thinks for you? Of course she is going to screw you...she screws every black man that crosses her path. And HE KNEW THAT! It wasn't like she singled him out. She screwed every black man that would take her.

Anyway, there is my take. I have a busy day, so I tried to get it all out and will check in later.

Thanks and have a great day!