Sounds tough, and is what I fear most! I fear that now that he did it once, he will do it again and again.
I wish I could offer you some great advice, but I am so new at this, that I feel like I would probably bring up negative feelings for you instead of positive.
I definitely think he needs to find out what he feels like he is missing that another woman fills, even for a short time. I'm sure you do have a wonderful sex life;that doesn't seem to affect a man's thinking(let me tell you). My H has told me that he was even disappointed in the sex with the OW. Not that he didn't think it was good, but that he thought it would be so much better, and that I seem to "know" him better. Sometimes I just think that he is just saying that, because he told her she was better, too. I wish that part didn't bother me, but it does.

2, I know where you are coming from. I think that way, too, in a resepct. However, I didn't do all the things you did before the affair occured, and that's where I have to take responsibility.
Thanks for your views!!!

Thanks...
He says it was just "different", not better.
Hurts me so deep inside when I think of it.
I don't think a WS will ever know how bad a BS really feels .
I do have great days.
Things will be better, because I choose to make them better, for me and my family.
I guess we can only continue to try to make everything work in marriage as long as we feel comfortable in doing so.
Thank you for taking the time.
I'm here for you too if you like.

HI!! I'm back from the Dr... went well. I am on the phone with H- and having what I feel is a nervous break down. I can't stop crying. Once I do- I will post. SORRY!!!

Sorry to hear about your nervous break down. My mood is getting there too. I keep thinking about this letter I found, and it is starting to HURT <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I will keep watching the posts, but I may tune out for awhile also

Hey Guys! Buck up! I know I am the one always venting, but I do keep strong. Don't take it so personal. His SIN, his A had NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! He was weak and wrong and you are suffering, but don't feel bad about yourself. I don't. I feel bad about the situation..I feel anger at his disregard for me. But do I think I'm a bad person who somehow failed my husband? Hell NO! He failed me. He should be the one who can't look at himself in the mirror. I LOVE who I am. And I love who I am even more because when I was unhappy with him, I still made all the right choices. And you know what?! So did you guys! You should be PROUD of your integrity.

Now, that doesn't mean it isn't painful...you know I know. I think it is OK to be angry and sad. You wouldn't be human if you weren't. But don't feel bad about yourself. Dog come on?! Don't let him give you a nervous break down.

You know one of the things I try to do in all this is to do the words of one of my favorite Christians song. It goes "I went to the enemy camp and I took back what he stole from me...Satan is under my feet!"

That is where I am. He tried to steal my confidence, my self esteem. He tried to steal my marriage, my husband's job and our comfortable life. He tried to steal the love I felt my husband had for me, our fun memories together during the A (when I was clueless) and everything. Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy. So I go back and take it all back.

I take back our great family vacation this summer. I did have fun! I take back my self esteem. I am a good wife, mother, person! I take back the love my husband showed me. He did love me! And one of the reasons I want my husband to keep his job (even with her there) and I want to work on my marriage is because I'm in enemy territory...taking back my life! NO SATAN you did not get his job, our comfortable life or our marriage. So F**K you Satan! God gave it all back to me!

So Dog, if your marriage is over...take back what you still have. Your DOGS! Your confidence in who you are and us! God LOVES you...even if your husband doesn't. I know I'd rather have God loving me than my husband. God can give me way more than my hubby, his job or anything else can give me.

NOW SMILE! Go do something nice for yourself. My counselors suggested I get some away time to reflect and pray. I am booking it in a few minutes! I'm off for a weekend of R&R. I freak'in deserve it!

Rocked is back in the house. Are we all having bad days or what!!?? I've been kinda in a downer mood too. Welcome holiday.

2, you def are jogging on the anger track. That's a natural response but I can really feel it is strong. Are you and your H in counseling? If you pull back and make him inititate EVERYTHING do you think he will? I have a real hard time thinking any marriage post-A can improve if only one person is working on it. And I realize that means I'm preaching to the choir!

Rocked, nice to see you are back! Hope your day has been somewhat enjoyable. I will post again in awhile, I need to shovel snow! Maybe it will take away some of this frustration!

2,
You don't know how you just ministered to me. I wish I could share with you more openly about my situation but I don't feel I can. Sorry. But I did want you to know how you just picked me up.

Can I get a witness!!!

Ahh, the blessings of living in sunny Florida!

And Sunny Cal! Hi Rocked. Good to hear from you. E-mail me or IM me and tell me more about your sit if you want. I would love to hear from you.

I am glad I ministered to you. It is true you know?! We have to take back what is ours. The first week I said "I won't be able to look back on those pictures from our family vacation with joy." WRONG! I had a great time. I did't know that he was tormented the whole trip feeling guilt for what he was doing. I had a great time. I don't care how he looks at those pictures. I took it back!

As far as making him initate everything my counselor (who we see a lot of) understands my position. I don't think she agrees with it, but she understands that I am in a place where I refuse to try. It is primarily for fear. I know that myself. I'm afraid to put anything into it for fear I'll get hurt again. Just a consequence for what he did. I don't know how long this will last. Maybe another 2 days or 2 years. None-the-less, I'm not ready to open myself up to him. He knows that. I've made it very clear.

When he was telling me the other night about "well it's hard to be affectionate when it isn't being reciplocated." Do you know what I said? I said "yeah, I know all about it. For a year when you were pulling away from me and not reciplocating ANYTHING, I dealt. I didn't screw someone else. So you DEAL! I'm not giving you anything to work with!" And I mean it. He has to put in a lot of work before I will give him back my heart.

Now here is the truth. I am going to stay in the marriage. I took that back from the enemy. I gave God my heart...he's earned it. My husband hasn't. I'm staying in the marriage (though I make that appear blurry to him on purpose) because I trust that God will give me the family I always dreamed of. I have faith in God that he will work out this marriage...not faith in my husband. I did that before...where did it get me (I like to remind him all the time)?

So he has A LOT of work to do and I expect results and endurance. If not, God will give me another husband to complete the family of my dreams. I can leave...God gave me an out.

So that is really how I feel. I trust God to either make my husband successful at this, or I'm moving on! I will not open myself up to someone who behaved this way until they earn it back. I'm thinking a year of cheating = a year of making up for it!

Wow, 2, you have a great faith. I wish mine was as strong. I agree with you about staying in the marriage. I,too, feel like if I try and he can't live up to it, I have an out. I will remember your words, Have faith in God and not your husband. That is so wise. We all know what can happen now when we put too much faith in a human being. I am in one of those, why bother moods, right now, and you gave me some strength; I'm glad you have joined our small band of friends on this post, and on the board in general. So many people, including myself, are so why me, why me, and I LOVE that you are why HIM? He did wrong, not you, and I am so happy to see that someone stands up for themselves!! Keep it up! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I would love to take all the credit and say I came to this conclusion on my own. I had a lot of help from Christian counsel.

The main bit of advice he gave me was "2, when is this going to stop being about you?" He went on to explain, correctly I believe, that this is about my husband. How he views things, handles things and fell into sin. I have no work to do but sit back and watch God reveal his plan to me. If we are to stay married, God will reveal it through my husband and the same thing if we aren't to stay married. Either way (Dog, please hear me on this) God has a better plan of me.

Jer. 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper and not harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."

Have faith in God...not in man...even our own. Because as we learned, they are not ours, they are God's too.

2...if I was only half as strong as you... if I only had a touch of self-esteem you do... be so proud of you!!! I think part of the anger has come back b/c I realize how my self-esteem has vanished.I have always had esteem issues but nothing as bad as this!

So, I am a little withdrawn today... sorry. And I do not feel my marriage is over- atleast right now... my H is telling me how hard is going to work on this- new issues I have brought up in the last 24 hours... so, I do not feel it's over but I feel myself withdrawing. One of my issues is that he does not seem to be doing anything to fill my emotional bank/needs. He told me today that he felt that jsut spending time with me- taking a day off work here and there- when I have a day off- he thought that was filling my bank... though when he was home with me he sat in his chair and i was on the couch- both on our respective laptops. So... UGH!! I don't know- I just am having a weird/ down day.

I have been ok in the recent past about getting the "visions" of things out of my head- but today and last night... I have been playing them over and over. Thinking of the LIES he told me.

Anyhow... just received my books in- "Surviving an Affair"- and I am going to crack it open- but I am still around... you can give me feedback or just tell me how weak and terrible I am. Also gonna go hugs my pups... amazing how they make me feel. They always love me. Thank you Lord for the small things in my life. And thank you Lord for my friends here at MB!!!

2... you are a beautiful woman.

"Have faith in God...not in man...even our own. Because as we learned, they are not ours, they are God's too. "

What a profound statement!!! Can I hug you? I am hugging my computer... can you feel it???

DogMom, don't feel bad for being withdrawn. You are hurting, and we are here for you when you want to listen. I wrote on some other thread, that picturing all the lies, and all of the special intimate(not sexual)times he spent with her bothered me more than the actual act. In fact, I don't think about them having sex; ok on occasion I do, but that's not my main focus. That is why I am in the same depressed mood as you today. It just HURTS LIKE HELL to think he shared these thoughts and feelings with such a lying, manipulating, psycho, **tch. How could he think she was better than me? sorry, I'm probably not making you feel any better. Please keep talking, maybe it will help! I will check in all night. My family is not going to be around, so I am by myself! what a night to be by yourself, eh?

I feel the hug! Really Dog, you are too hard on yourself. What made your husband attracted to you in the first place? What made him love you and marry you? I bet all those things still remain in you. I know my husband found me attractive and I know I gained 30 lbs after the babies and I know that isn't great to look at...hell, I don't like it myself. But I also know that he did not marry me because I was pretty (that may have been why he picked the OW) but not me. Everything else remains. Even if HE doesn't (or didn't) see it.

I know who I am. He is the lost soul searching for meaning in a readily available hole. Like my pastoral counselor said "this isn't about you!" And boy is he right.

I'm booking my weekend away! I'm nervous and excited. I want to get time to pray and hope for the future. I also want to make him assume my life of cooking and cleaning for 2 kids.

Do something nice for yourself!

2,
I agree with some of what you say and not with other. Of course, I'm not in your shoes and don't know your whole situation. However, I know enough of the Bible and have read enough of marriage recovery stuff to be uncomfortable with your position.

I quote you: "I have no work to do but sit back and watch God reveal his plan to me."

Faith without works is dead. And don't forget "Pride comes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall." (Prov.16:18). Yes your H is guilty of those, but c'mon...aren't we all in a spiritual sense?

Don't stand firm on a foundation of "faith" if in reality it is merely a foundation of pride and haughtiness. I'm mad as h** that my wife chose another man but the truth is that I still helped "create the environment" in our marriage. Not by acting upon temptation to cheat, but be less subtle love busters (as they call them here). Workaholic, didn't tell my W how much I appreciated her, didn't make her feel like she was my "Queen."

Enough 4 now. I do care for you, but had to share this. (See also I John 1:8)

No offense, Rocked, but I have not met a man yet who makes his wife feel like a "queen". I don't think many women make their husbands feel like a king either, but don't beat yourself up for that part. Maybe shoot for queen, but understand that princess is more realistic! Are you leaving us for the day, now? If so have a very good night. I hope you feel loved and respected and cared for tonight. Remember do, before you actually feel! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi,
Sorry to read there are more of us feeling this way today...Must be in the air!
I have bad days when my H leaves to work (he's a fireman and works 24 hr shifts with 24 hrs off in between).
Just got off the phone with my H. I had wrote him an email on how I was feeling today. He immediately called after reading it. His voice was "pissy" (don't know what other word to use right now). This is the first since DD 111504.
I feel he may have gotten to his limit with me (about the point of trying hard to make me feel like he's working on all this) and when I bring up one of my "distrust" questions again, he got pissy.
Then he trys to calm down and calm me down. I just don't like these kind of days. I wish I could get to being "me" myself again.