Hi Rocked. I appreciate a different perspective and do recognize my sin...which is fear. Plain and simple. Fear of being hurt again. I know it and I pray on it. But again, I don't accept that you created the environment. I really don't. My husband's enviroment was poor, black, single mom. He was bond to be a statistic...dead or on drugs...like his own absentee father. NO! He made a choice to do different. His environment tried to destroy him. He made the right decision then. He made the wrong one now.

I understand that I can CREATE a better environment, but I still feel that is no guarentee that he won't repeat unless he gets it straight himself.

Some of the most beautiful women have been cheated on...Halley Berry, Uma Thurman, Tom left Nicole for Penelope. So it is their issue, not mine (Dog, that should make you feel better too. Even Halley Berry got cheated on!)

I am praying for my fear to subside and then maybe I can meet my husband a quarter of the way. But he is the one with the work to do. And God will reveal to me if he is doing it. That I am trusting God for!

Holiday,
Doesn't it make you mad that your H says, I'm trying. I guess, sometimes I feel like 2 does, you owe me more than a couple weeks of torment for what you did. Even though my H was in a relatively short A, I know it would have gone on a lot longer if she wouldn't have called it off, and sometimes I feel like he also owes me for the time is was planning to spend with her before it ended. I know my H, is trying, and that he gets upset with me, and feels like I am an emotional basketcase a lot of the time, but I AM, and he did this to me. Try to be positive, and keep sharing your feelings, dont close yourself up, even if its hard, even if he sounds pissy. I beleive that it can really help!

True,
Whatever phrase you use I need to assure my W that she is #1 in my book. Not 2nd to work, etc.

Holiday,
Sorry, I can't remember whether it was you or your husband who committed the A? Hang in there. My W committed the E+P A for 12+ months and I'm still on riding the emotional rollercoaster.

Gotta go for the day. W coming home soon and I want to meet her at the door wearing only a smile. (Someone here did say that the way I act determines how I feel, right!?)

Thanks for being virtual friends. God bless.

2, If I wanted to share more of my story w/you how can I get your email address?

Rocked, Yes, making your wife feel like she is the #1 woman in the world, and the #1 thing in your life is sooooooo important! I told my H this all the time before the A, and now it's even more important. Women do want to know that, so it makes me glad that you have "seen the light" and are trying to accomplish that! Good luck!

Rocked, you Rock! Good for you for making your wife feel so special. I don't know how long ago D-Day was for you but we are at 7 weeks.

I had a friend who went through this say to me "It is like he hit you with a Mack truck on accident. He didn't mean to hurt you...but he did. So now he has to take care of the wounds. He has to change your dressing, and nurse you back to health."

I think it is great Rocked that you can change your own dressings, but I"m not there. Really I'm praying on it.
Bye for now all!

Thanks Rocked...
It was my H who had the A...this is his second in our 23 y M.
The first was over 2 years ago prior his Dad passing away from surgery complications.
I thought we had come so far.
He says it was just for the "sex". Because it was different, not better, just different. (We have been together since H 17 1/2 and me 21).
After the first one, he told me he couldn't guarentee this wouldn't happen again, so we went to MC for months to try and find out why this had happened.
MC thought we were "conflict avoiders", which we still are. I think neither of us trust each other to give our true feelings in fear of upsetting the other or receiving a retaliation so to speak.
I feel he is sincere when he asks me to trust him now. That he is going to make a concious effort to control his impulses and/or not place himself in such a sitch again. So I am trying, everyday, to get past this and work towards continuing our M.
I do agree with 2, it's really in God's hands right now. That's who I really trust, will always trust.

M 013082
BS me 47
FWH 44
1st DD 051802
NC 052002
2nd DD 112304
NC 112404
S 21
D 15
Feels like recovery...

My hubby is a conflict avoider. I am not. That is another reason I don't take responsiblity. If he would have told me what was on his mind, I would have worked through it.

Anyway, my hubby says the same thing "sex was different. It wasn't better." I believe him on that because I'm pretty darn good in bed.

So anyway, good luck!

Thanks 2!
I think I'm great in bed too!
Thank you for your uplifting sentences! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You woman make me smile.... and you man- Rocked!!! WOW! Talk about a blessing- you all are such a blessing to me. Is it bad I really only check this thread? I feel so close to all of you here! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Holiday- I KNOW how you feel- my H is a paramedic and has 24 shifts also... and it's a totally different way of life. This is the good part of this-- he now has been promoted for the 4th time and has a desk job now- so he's Mon- Fri. It was one year exactly that he started that- so our marriage went thru a huge change then... I maintain that is when we started to have some problems. SO... I know how the shift work can be.....

DANG! I wasn't done posting yet but the H has cooked dinner and so that I am not rude I better go eat... but I shall return. I don't know who is here.... True- you're here right?????

be back in few

Hey everyone! I just wanted to give you all my e-mail so you can write me anytime. It has been great becoming friends with all you. My e-mail is godhelpme2@sbcglobal.net.

Rocked I hope you will tell me your story.

Here's my email: holleyr@austin.rr.com

Hey you two!
Thank you, thank you!
My email is sncento@yahoo.com.
I am glad to finally find someone to talk to who listens and will talk back.
I haven't anyone here to do so with (we moved from a quiet little community with all my girlfriends to the city, with no girlfriends, so my husband wouldn't have to commute over 200 miles) and this is something I don't think I wish to ever tell even my bestest friend...yet.
It's my and my H business.
Have a great dinner...I'm off to start ours (have a 15 year old daughter at home).

Well, since we're handing out e-mails, mine is snhn@hotmail.com.
I agree, you guys, make me smile <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I am so glad we all "hooked up".
That being said, I need a little advice. I am not sure if I am overreacting. You might remember I mentioned a love letter I found. Well, I 've sorta been obsessing over it today, and I just can't believe my H doesn't know if he wrote it or not. Some parts really sound like him, and other parts do not. It matters who wrote it to me, because it sounded like a deep love letter, and he said he didn't feel that way towards her until the end of their time together(and even then it was more like high school love). Now, I dont know if I can trust him.
Then today I asked him one of those details questions about when I called him to go to lunch back in November. He told me a couple of times not to come. I asked if it was because he was going out with her. He said he couldn't remember that happening. Then later tonight, he admitted that he lied to me when I asked, because he could tell I was already in a hopeless mood and he didn't want to hurt me more. He did tell me not to come so that he could go to lunch with her. He LIED! Is that important, or should I focus on the fact that he felt bad about it and admitted it to me? I am so confused and all the hurt and hopelessness has returned. I even mentioned the D word tonight. He didn't even act like that fazed him. Please offer an advice you can.
I can only be online for a short while longer, as my family did not go out, and my kids are "bugging" me to be with them <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

That's an interesting topic Holiday. Who have you told. I've told damn near everybody. Really! When this all first broke I needed so much support, I called all my female Christian friends 4 right away. Then I told my sister. Then I called our best couple friend (guy) and told him everything. Then I told our pastoral counselor who had just started counseling us. Then I told my best girlfriend and eventually (just recently after several weeks) told my mother. She asked me and I confirmed it.

I told everyone and I am glad I did. First off, all my friends supported him and wanted me to work on the marriage. None of them told me to leave him...and I was almost ready to do that...saw the divorce attorney and all. Secondly, I read a book that talks about the secretacy of affairs helps to fuel them. If you hide what he did, then you'll hide it next time and he won't have to deal with the humilation and embarassment of everyone knowing his dirty little secret. Why should I lie for him? To save his feelings? Did he save mine?

This isn't about tit for tat. It is about not covering it up for them. Once it is revealed to everyone, they have face it, explain it, admit it, humble themselves, ask for forgiveness. It is all a part of the repentance process. Again, I take no responsibiltiy for it. So I am not ashamed by it at all. I've done nothing wrong.

I think it is important that my hubby and all the cheaters feel the shame of what they have done. Expose it! Make them face their consquences. It is a precaution for them to not do it again. Once they suffer humiliation and shame, they will be a lot less likely to do it again. My husband knows I'm going to expose him to 100's of folks within the first 24 hours. I came so close to calling his mother.

My husband recognizes that he has to rise about the shame and move on. He can't wallow in it because if he does, he can't become the man God wants him to be. I agree with him. But the exposure of it all, the ruining of his reputation, (at work too. His boss knows and so does the President and HR. I think more people know too, but these we know for sure know.)will all make him think EXTRA SUPER HARD before there is a next time. I don't think his ego could take another beating like this in life!

Hey true, this is my advice. He came clean after a couple of hours of thinking about it...cut him some slack. My husband did not tell me of the A, she did. My husband kept trying to down play the phone calls etc. Didn't believe him so I called her.

Anyway, he told me he lied til the end because he didn't want to hurt me. He has answered all my questions, but not willingly. I've had to pull them out of him. He usually answers me by saying "Why do you want to know this, it is only going to hurt you." And guess what? He's right!

Anyway, if you really want to know about the letter...push him. Make sure you really want to know though. I'd threaten to call her and ask yourself. Have you talked to the OW? How did it go?

Anyway, cut him some slack on his lie today. Get to the bottom of the letter if you really need to know. Our MC said he needs to tell me whatever I want to know, but cautioned me on why I want to know. What will I gain from knowing.

Have a good night!

Holiday & 2,
I didnt want to tell anyone at first, but now I think he should tell people for the same reasons as 2 stated. Also, I made him call his mom and tell her while I sat there and listened. It was sort of a punishment I guess, but I knew that he needed her to know. His parents have finally seen that I am a strong woman, and devoted mother. So, I guess some good can come of this.
Again, don't feel ashamed Holiday. It was your H who did this to himself, and he should face the consequences!

2,
Thanks for the advice. It's amazing how you can feel better just by hearing what other people have to say! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

T,
I agree with 2 on the lie today. Yes, cut him some slack. I think he was between a rock and a hard place, but eventually realized to be close to you meant going to the hard place and told you the truth later.
I haven't told anyone yet, because, well, firemen live all together like a family (team). They depend on each other so drastically, I don't want to stress them and this would stress them if I told them. I am going to ask that my H tells one of his Captains. Just so it's out there. You both are right...it needs to get out there. I only told my best friends about the first one and one friend went off on him so bad in public...so I don't want that to happen again (I don't think that helped him.)
T-Breathe. What do you really want to know about the letter? And really would it be the real truth or something he thinks you want to hear? Sometimes I think I just need to ride some of this out quietly. Get myself really together before I go dig again. Just MO right now.

ok ladies, that's what i needed to hear. I am going to go now, because my D is throwing a tempertantrum at my feet. Mommy's been typing too much today! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Thank you so much for being such great people, especially to someone you don't even know! You ladies, and man are all angels in my book! Signing out for now!