76 HOURS???????????????????? WHAT????? City of Austin does not allow that many hours... I cannot believe that- how long will he have off?? I am here- and on email- email me if you'd like... we can talk more personal there! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I am so glad to know you loved your Tundra.. I am so excited for it. I will send you photos via email- as soon as I take them. I love it!!!

Talk to me- tell me how you are feeling... how were you and H before he went on the shift from hell??

OK ladies, here is what I am feeling today. It all started when I started remembering the song my H played for me at our wedding. I don't know if you remember it or not, but is the Prince song, Most Beautiful Girl in the World, or something like that. Anyway, I guess it turned into a self esteem issue, b/c I started thinking about how he doesn't think that anymore. I don't think in the years since we have been married he has told me that without some disclaimer attached to it about my "inner beauty". That's basically saying that someone is ugly but has a good personality, right? I have always wanted him to be honest with me, but I guess I just always wanted to be seen as the most beautiful girl in his eyes. Aren't husbands supposed to think like that? Anyway, it also has to do with the fact that he still sees the OW as beautiful and nice, and a good person. It crushes me, but I guess that is to be expected. What's worse is that doesn't even TRY to tell me that I am more beautiful than her. He just shrugs it off, like yeah, true, she was more attractive than you, and you'll just have to deal with it. I feel like why would I want someone who does not think that I am the best thing in the whole world. I feel like I deserve someone who does think that; who is not looking for outside affection, who is not looking at other women and thinking I wish I could be with her. I don't know, maybe that is too big of an expectation in a marriage. Maybe I just want things I can't have. I am not sure how to handle these feelings, so I have been down this afternoon/evening. I just keep singing that song in my head, and starting aching inside. Like I said before, I can't seem to express exactly what I am feeling, but those are some things floating around in my head. Let me know if you think I'm a raving maniac or not.
True

I think you are RIGHT ON!!! Does he really think the OW is better looking than you? Please tell me no- because I may have to get your address and come kick his [censored]!!!!!!! I think if I were in your shoes- I might feel even worse than you do. Does he come out and say this crap? So, I guess you can tell I do NOT think you are nuts, crazy, or overreacting. I have seious issue with that too. My husband used to think I was a princess and I swear now I think he views me as Princess Fiona (Shrek's wife!!!)... and I know I have gained some weight during our marriage- but SO HAS HE!!!!!

Speaking of songs.... I found a song that should be playing in the background of all of our posts... it's a country song. Go to www.cmt.com and look under artists... the girls name is: AMY DALLEY. The song is "I Would Cry"... listen to that song... it gives me chills becuase it's EXACTLY how I feel!!!! And I think it's how all of you will feel too.......

True- you are so right in your feelings. DO NOT DOUBT YOURSELF!!!! I don't doubt you- I'm giving you a huge hug... can you feel it???

Hey Guys! Had a amazing time this weekend. Lots to tell you and then I like Rocked may be checking out for awhile.

I am busy tonight so will try to post tomorrow.

God bless!

Okay True..your statement ":b/c I started thinking about how he doesn't think that anymore." Do you really think he thinks this or do you "think" he thinks this? There is a big difference. I too feel that way. Actually it started years ago after having children. He has made comments in the past like, "I wasn't adventuous nor as athletic as before we were married, etc".

He also adds how wonderful my inner beauty is too.
But, I don't feel with our spouses that means we are ugly with a good personality, I think it is in addition to us physically. We woman sometimes get so hung up on "his" words, or lack of them, that we become mind readers. I have tried very hard these past few months to get past this.

My H and I are reading "His Needs, Her Needs", we read the chapter the other night about "His Needs...to have an attractive wife". I haven't gained alot of weight in the 26 years of being together, but what weight is there is shifting with my age. There was a part in the chapter about "if your wife was willing to change one thing about herself (physically) what would you wish she would change?". So I asked him," what would you wish I would change?". He said, "Nothing really, but if anything, the backs of your upper thighs". Hmmmm, I had always had an issue with my stomach after 2 kids. I had talked about surgery and he doesn't think I need it. I hadn't thought about my thighs. So that's what I told him. He seemed happy with my reaction. But, now of course, I am worried about my thighs instead listening to his first comment "Nothing really".

So here's where I am going with this. Unless your H has come out and blatantly said, "the OW is more beautiful than you, is a nicer person than you", I doubt he thinks that. Going through this, I feel we are definitely reeling in the negative. It's hard to surface sometimes.

True-Let the OW go. Don't dwell on her, dwell on you. You continue to be the nice, good person you are. The OW's cloud will diminish as your sun fills your H's heart. "I just always wanted to be seen as the most beautiful girl in his eyes."...I think we all feel like this. I know I do everyday of my life.

DM-Yes, the county here allows up to 76 hours straight, yikes, I know.

Oh and DM, they work normally, 5 on 6 off (5 24hr shifts with 24hrs off in between and 6 straight 24 hrs off). With OT they can work 24+24+24+may also be held over for 4 more hours.
Makes it rough when he pulls this shift. Especially right now.
I hope we all will have a great Monday.
Out for a walk...I will check with you all later.

Good morning. I am off for a pretty full day, but wanted to share with you guys about my weekend. I will be more than happy to get into more detail if any of you want to e-mail me privately.

Anyway, it was a great time to be away and think and reflect and restore. I did many things I enjoy and got PLENTY of time to think. Here are my conclusions which I shared with my husband.

1) I'm done thinking. I have thought so much about what triggered the affair, what made it go so long, why her. I'm done. I shared with my husband for the last time my own personal insights into what may have triggered the a and I said "Now I'm done sharing with you my thoughts and I'm done thinking about it. It is your turn."

I realized no matter how much I thought about it, no matter how much I may believe I'm correct in why it happened, it doesn't matter. He has to think about it. I can't make him understand, I can't point out what I think caused it. He has to get it. And so I told him that. I said, "think till your head hurts about EVERYTHING and EVERY aspect. Then discuss it with the therapist. We are paying her to help you. I am your WIFE...not your therapist. I am hear to love you, support you and be here for you. But I am not supposed to psycho-analize you. I think you'll only resent it in the future."

So I am done thinking. And I am ESPECIALLY done thinking about her. I don't even need to figure out what made her do anything. She is soooo insignificant. True, I especially want you to get this point. If it wasn't her, it would have been someone else. The issue is with your (and our) spouse, not the OW. She doesn't matter. He does and why he cheated does. She would have and could have been anyone else.

2) God has called me to forgive and love. It has been easy for me to forgive the OW. I pray for her often and honestly, if she was to talk to me, I would show her grace and forgiveness. Again, she doesn't really matter. She owed me nothing and that is what she gave me. It is easy to forgive her.

It is harder to forgive the person I love the most in this world. Very hard! But that is what God said to me. "You think you are a good Christian who understands Christ message because you can forgive the OW? No! If you forgive the one who you love and has hurt you (like Christ for us), then you get my message." So I will forgive him and love him completely again.

3) Nothing in life deserves to be loved more than our Lord. Just as our spouses failed us, so may our children. So may our jobs and government. NOTHING in life is guarenteed except the love of God. He needs to be our priority. He needs to be the sole receiptent of our devoted love. He will be from here on out.

4) I thank God for what he has given me back. My husband's job, our family, my husband. They are ALL blessings (yes my husband) and deserve to be treated as such, because God gave them back to me.

5) Lastly, it is important to focus on what is good. I forget the verse that talks about "whatever is good, true, etc. focus on these things." That is what our spouses DIDN'T do. They focused on the lust and fell. If I focus on the negative, then I will fall. I won't be able to enjoy the blessings that God gave me back.

Unfortunately, posting here often causes me to focus on the negative. I am not meditating on the good when I am posting here. I'm usually venting and seeking guidance from others...not my Lord. You have all been tremendously helpful and I needed you sooooooo much at this stage in my life. But I realize where this once helped to make me feel unalone, it now causes me to stumble. I can't afford to do that anymore. My husband and my God need my focus.

I will be bowing out of this message board on a daily basis. I will check in to see how everyone is doing, but only checking in. I will not be available all day everyday any more. I must focus on what is good.

Thank you guys! I would love to hear e-mails from all of you to keep me updated with your situation.

Good luck and God Bless!

Hey Everyone,
I have been reading your posts and keeping informed. Had a pretty good weekend. Hope you all are doing well.

True,
I am praying for you that God would be the voice you hear reminding you of how beautiful you are...on the inside and outside. You can trust THAT voice every day!

2,
I look forward to hearing how your 3-day "Advance" went. Rock on Godz Girl!

DM,
A "Chick Truck"?? With dogs riding in the back bed? Plz warn me first if you plan on visiting Florida. HA.

Holiday,
As alway, you're solid as a rock and completely awesome!

2,
That verse is Philipians 4:8. Ironically that is the very verse my wife and I read, studied and discussed (still do) the week after I got back from my 1-week "Advance" following D-Day. Funny how it actually works. Whenever I think forward on what is true, noble, right, etc. I think also of the blessings you mentioned in your post. AND, when I think-backward and focus on the past A I get depressed and it makes me want to withdraw from my wife.

Thanks for reminding me of what I need to do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

As stated before, I too see a day coming soon when my "season" needing this discussion group will come to an end. Not that I will think any less of you all but that I just need to think more about my wife, God and the positive things.

My prayers are with you all.

2,
You will be missed, but I hope you find the peace, forgiveness, love, and life that you deserve. I hope I can come to the same conclusions as you some day.
Rocked,
you will also be missed when your day comes, but I know you are on the right track, and will continue to love and respect your wife forever.

True

Good Morning to you all...hope you are all doing well. I just finished "His Needs, Her Needs" last night and began reading "Love and Respect". Pretty interesting to say the least. I only hope I can put it to good use and remember it all as we move on. Any suggestions as to what we can do to keep all this working in 6 months from now? I mean, how do we remind ourselves not to fall back into old bad habits?
I will check on anyone here later today...peace.

Holiday,
I worry about the same thing. My H and I talk all the time now, but I am sooo afraid that we will go back to just being friends again, actually more like long distant friends. Anyway, I am trying to be really positive today. I am trying to take a small lesson from 2, and think about my marriage, and not all the pain from the last month. I am taking your advice as well, and TRYING to put the OW behind us. My H seems content with forgetting her, and he is starting to even see her as someone who helped destroy his life, so I can see that there is hope. Plus, we start our major marriage counceling sessions together on Thursday. So far, it has just been me, so I am excited to see what we can do as a couple. That is always how we have worked best, and unfortunately, we both forgot that.
I am glad you are still posting, I am sorry 2 feels like this brings out the negative. I think it helps me control my negative thoughts and helps me calm down before I deal with my H sometimes.
Anyway, have a good day, I, too, will check in later.
True

Hi True, I too feel this helps me to not let the negative pull me down. I feel, I still in some way, I need to be here. If not for myself, for others still struggling (that old dang "Giver" inside of me).

I will remain back and forth here as your ideas continue to help me with my marriage recovery.

Is this discussion thread officially dead?

I had a blow-up and could use your prayers. Thanks.

Hey Rocked. I'm checking in and saw your message. What happened?! You can e-mail me if you prefer dbrry3@sbcglobal.net.

I will pray, but can be more specific with some details.

I'm doing very well.
2

Hey Rocked,
Whats up?
Haven't been home enough to check on you guys.
Let's have it...are you doing better?
You're all in my prayers.
I will check on you later...

Hey Rocked,
Sorry to hear about your sitch. I have been checking in, but didn't see anybody posting, so I haven't either. Please let me know what's up. I have been wondering about you all, and how everything is going. Write soon, I check everyday.

True

Hey Everyone,
Things are a little better today. I don't have time to post right now so just wanted to check in and say thanks for your prayers. I'll be back online tomorrow morning to explain what happened. I hope you all are progressing with your H's.

R

Hey Guys!

I thought I would post real quick and let you know that I am thinking about all of you often.

After I saw Rocked's post, I thougth, maybe we should do that, just check in with each other once a week at least. Maybe we should turn this message board into an e-mail group and e-mail each other with updates and/or prayer request like for Rocked. It made me sad that Rocked didn't know we are all still here for each other. I was very concerned about you all weekend.

I'm glad things are better. My husband and I are doing much better. My trip last weekend helped me to set up safeguards to make sure that my mind is focused on the good. I have stopped myself from dwelling on things. I will think, but not dwell if that makes sense.

I still have a hard time not thinking about her during sex though. Anyone have any good strategies? I'll share my strategy for not dwelling/thinking if anyone needs it.

I continue to thank God for what the enemy had that I and God took back. I think about that almost daily so that I can count my blessings and see how much love and mercy God has shown us. I am able to see God's awesomeness when I realize my husband, family, livelihood, etc. where in Satans grasp. But with God, we got it all back. That is how AWESOME God is.

I hope you are all doing well. I'd love some updates people. Tomorrow will be busy, but Rocked, I'll check in just to see your post.

God Bless Guys!