Hey Guys! thinking of all of you alot.

1st - Rocked GO TO COUNSELING. A good counselor is worth their weight in gold. We are shelling out $350 a week for counseling. Both of us are in individual and then 1 session of joint. A small fortune worth every penny. She is our second counselor. The first one left a lot to be desired. So if the first one isn't working...keep looking.

2nd - My anger has subsided for the most part. I'm really just sad at times. As things get back to "normal", it scares me because things where "normal" when his affair began?! So I realize I have no assurance at all. My husband has been wonderful and loving and trying sooooo hard. We had a great weekend and most of the time we are happy now.

3rd - Next week I will see the OW again back to back for work related events. With the first meeting out of the way, I don't know how she'll react. So keep that in prayers. It will be Sun. Feb. 13 and Mon. Feb. 14th (Valentine's Day). So pray!

4th - My strategy. Rocked and True I thought you guys might benefit from knowing how I keep my focus off the A. I focus instead on Jesus...literally. It helps. Let me tell you how it goes. I'm driving. I pass a store that reminds me of an outfit I bought. I remember I was wearing that outfit on such and such date. He was in the mist of the A with the OW. It makes me sad. I start to wonder, we were so happy on that day. What was he thinking? There must be something really wrong with him. I've married a sick man! He might try to kill me one day like Scott Peterson! He might.....then I stop myself. I have to or as you see I will drive myself crazy. So what I do is I picture Jesus on the cross. I picture his blood falling on me...covering me...comforting me. Then I picture him from the cross reach for my hand and pull me up from the depths of my despair. I will go with that picture until the anger, sadness, hurt passes. Then then next thing I know I'm singing along happiliy to the radio.

The first week I tried this, it was literally exhausting. Having to try so hard mentally to focus and not focus on things. Exhausting! But by the end of the week, I had a day where I only had to do it once. Now I've gone 2 and 3 days without thinking about the A like that at all. Now, I will think things like "I'm in counseling because of his A" or "Isn't it ashame he fell like that." But I don't do that crazy thinking anymore that leds me to a place of thinking my husband will kill me and stuff.

So try it. It doesn't work well during sex though. It's hard to picture Jesus when you are screwing, so I'm trying to find something better to focus on. I'd love some suggestions.

Lastly, when you start changing your focus from the A to Jesus, it has to be Jesus. I tried at times to picture my husband the day he was on his knees crying at my feet, begging me to stay. It didn't work. I had to focus on Jesus' face and his hand reaching for me.

Good luck guys! Let me know if this works for you.

I will continue to check in.

2,
Thanks for the suggestion. I will try that and see how it works. As far as what to focus on while screwing. Hmmmm??? How about Psalm 149:5 ?

BTW, I sent you an email. Let me know if you recv'd it.

Sorry Rocked didn't get it. Did you try dbrry3@sbcglobal.net?

Yes, that's the email I tried. Try sending me one to the address you have for me. BuffRocked@ChippendalesFlorida.com.


ha. just kidding. You should have my other one.

2-Great idea. I think as time passes the focus becomes more on me and my husband. I never really wanted to focus on the OW from the begining. However, yes, relapses occur, but I think it reminds me of how far we've come.
Even when my H has a little (I'm not sure what to call it) twitch or gets a bit perturbed, for only a moment, I sometimes feel "this is it, it's not going to work". Then I calm myself, say a prayer and move forward. If I don't, I know I will remain in a sad place.
True-Yes, I feel like that sometimes. Perhaps he couldn't remember the password because he didn't want you to find out and hurt you more. Again, I don't think a WS will ever "know" the pain we have felt and what we deal with everyday. Remember, we weren't their "main" concern at the time of the A and as hard as they try, they will slip up, they are still human. Keep positive that this wasn't intentional towards you.

2,
I'm not sure what's up with your email account but I tried sending emails but they all end up coming back as undeliverable. Funny too, cuz I recv'd the one you sent me. Now what?

Good Morning! I hope everyone is doing well. 2, I meant to thank you the other day for your strategies. I wish they would help me. I know you said it would take time, but I feel like when I stop thinking about it and focus my thoughts on something else(even God), that I am suppressing it and not dealing with it head on. I will continue to try however, because I am in such immense pain that I cannot bear to think about the affair much longer.
Anyway, since most of you are further(even if just a little) along in your "recovery" I have a question? Do you feel like it gets worse before it gets better? Did you go through your days thinking I feel worse now than on D-day? For me the physical pain that I felt on d-day is gone, the emotional pain has lingered, and somedays it's gone, but when it returns it is so great that I feel like I just want to curl up into a ball and let the world pass me by.
Sorry to ramble. Thanks for your support!
True

Hi True!

About a month after the A I think I was worse. I had a MASSIVE meltdown on Christmas Eve that lasted almost a week. I actually think that was the worst I had felt at any point and it was almost a month after D-day when that happened. I think you will get better. I am doing better to a point where I don't even get angry anymore...just sad.

Keep trying the strategy. For me I was literally exhausted from trying to focus elsewhere for the first week. But actually it worked and now I don't think about it much. I had a "memory" a couple of days ago that was SUPER hard. I'd forgot all about it. I got very sad and cried hard for about half hour. But I didn't get angry and I didn't think about it other than taking it for what it was...a horrible, disgusting affair.

Anyway, True you hang in there.

I'm off for most of the day. I just was thinking and wanted to pose this question to all of you. Valentine's Day is around the corner. What if anything special will you do for your spouse?

God Bless! 2

Valentine's Day? AAAGGHHH! That has always been less of a holiday for us, b/c we have always been poorest during this month. We have lots of b-days from Dec. to April, including mine the week after V-Day, so we have kept it simple. My H and I have had a child-centered M, and have not done much alone since our 1st daughter was born nine years ago. Probably part of the reason he had the A. He has always regretted having children so early in our M. Anyway, that doesn't answer your question, but I hope you find some good replies!
True

Hmmm...Valentine's Day. Tough on the ol' H to remember all this as Christmas, New Year's, our Anniversary and now Valentine's hit so close together. Maybe it keeps him on his "toes".

I asked if we could go to our favorite little Italian restaurant that looks over Las Vegas here in Henderson. Great food and the view, ahhhh. He said "sounds good" and that he has a surprise coming for me on Valentine's Day too.

I used to think I should just wait and see what he does or even if he'll remember on any given holiday that is special to me, but in the past few years I don't play the "waiting/guessing" game with him anymore. I tell him what's important to me and how it makes me feel loved when he does "special" things on special occasions. Even the simplest things like just touching my hand or reaching for me on a long car ride means the world to me.

True-Yes, I do feel it gets worse before it gets better and then again, you may still have good days and bad days there after. Nothing is guaranteed in life but the love of God. So keep pushing ahead with faith.

I'm a gift-giver and love to surprise my W in creative ways. I also know my W overlooks special days (VDay, Anniv, BDay) easily. So instead of setting her up for failure, and me for disappointment, I playfully reminded her the other day that VDay was coming up and I was "expecting" her to do something special. (I've already bought her J'Adore perfume and will have a Plan B for our evening in the works in case she drops the ball). Although this may sound forward, since I'm the guy, I guess this is my way of ensuring that the end result is an INVESTMENT in my marriage and not a WITHDRAWAL.

For all of us here I would say that our approach to a very difficult holiday (VDay...rhymes with DDay) will send a message of hope or hurt. Will focus on past or present. Let's dig deep and do whatever we can, by God's grace, to continue on the road to recovery.

I hope this helps. I care for you all and thank you for helping me in my time of need.

I've alwways dones something special. Trying to come up with a good idea. Let me know if you have any good ideas.

Anyone see Dr. Phil today? About affairs. Wondering what you thought.

2,
Here's an idea. Buy a plain page journal for your H (a manly looking one) and write a positive memory on every page. Things you want him to remember from your relationship)

R

Hi 2, saw Dr Phil...I really don't think the OW got it, did you? I like the analogy by Dr Phil that the OW/OM is like putting up a tent and trespassing in the families backyard.

Had a semi bad day. Took a nice long walk. Then later today, I read and read. Sometimes it depresses me to think I am here again. Of course this is a day when H is working his 24 hr shift. I still, at times, go back in my memory and think how this all came about. I really had no clue to how he was feeling before it all happened. Each time I thought all was fine. So now when things are better, I don't trust it 100%.

Holiday, Sorry you day was bad yesterday. Please know you can email me anytime if you just want to talk and no one is one the board! I hope that today is better, and you can find the sunshine amongst the rain and clouds!
Rocked, what a great idea! I had a major LB last night when my H wrote me a nice poem(something he never does) and I didn't even recognize it as a poem. In my defense I was in a really **itty mood, and didn't give it the full attention it deserved, which was also wrong I know. He also told me that the OW wanted him to write poems to her, which he told her no! So, hey he saved something else for me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
2, didn't you say that your H needs a lot of attention/affection? I would do something along those lines. Give him something that would meet HIS emotional needs. I can't be specific, b/c I don't know him, but something special that maybe you haven't done in the past.
My H and I have decided to learn Japanese together, b/c it is something my daughter/husband are interested in and one reason my H and the OW started talking. My H and I both said it helps us feel like we are moving on, even in these bad days. It is something we can focus on for the furture.
Anyway, today is better. Yesterday was NOT so good, either. I am really thinking about seeing an MD about the depression. Have any of you done this? If you don't want to share, that's ok. I was just curious!
True

Thank you for your offer True, I will do that when I get really down next time and I don't see anyone here.

My H and I are talking more and more. I explain to him that this process is lengthy and that I must not have it all out of me yet as I still need to talk about it all. He wants to sit down and make a 2-5 year plan/goal. I understand the WS wishes once the A is talked about, everyone concerned should just move on. That just can't happen, especially when this is my H's second A.

I have been going online and reading about "womanizers". It's not what I thought it was. My H came from a family of addicted people, most with drugs. He is one of 7 children born into a family with a Mother who could/would not show affection (whom was molested by a family friend as a teenager), especially to her 4 sons (was very sad to watch). After my H's Mother passed away almost 4 years ago, it seemed like my H was relieved, but now I think things are coming up in his life he doesn't know what to do with.

I was born into a family with a Father who could/would not show affection (he was abused physically by his SF). Can anyone relate here?

I am thinking of going back to college and getting my degree in Psychology (where I started back in 1976)before I met my H. Probably major time consuming but maybe it's something I need to do.

Hi Guys!

My husband is NOT affectionate at all. Like your husband Holiday, my husbands mother was/is cold as ice. He is trying to get better.

I hope I can find something sweet to do for Valentines for him. He is NOT very affectionate or romantic (I'm not a romantic either), but I need to do something that makes him feel special. Keep the ideas coming.

I too have thought about going back to school. I actually have had an interest in Christain family and marriage counseling. Maybe when the dust settles.

Anyway, have a great weekend guys!

Hey,

My wife's husband is VERY romantic!!!!!!!

Rocked

You go Rocked! Keep the romance going. My H has never been really romantic. Every once and awhile he will come up with something that really knocks my socks off, but those are few are far between. Since D-day he has gotten much better, but I am always afraid of it going back to like it was, especially if I continue down the road of unforgiveness. Do you think that it is possible for some people to NEVER get over the pain? I am trying but everytime I think about it, I'm like why should he get my affection? He hurt me. I am starting to sound more and more like you, 2, when we first met. I keep thinking our marriage was a good one, even the counselors have said it sounds that way. He made a very selfish choice to fullfill a desire, not a need, and now I'm supposed to get over it? I am supposed to be the one that has to make the final decisions of keeping our family together or breaking my children's hearts? How unfair is that? I guess forgiveness isn't fair, but I wish it were. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Anyway, I hope you all have a great weekend, and I will check in whenever I can. If I see any good V-day ideas, I'll let you know!

True,
I am so with ya on that feeling of why do we seem to carry the burden of holding the marriage together when our selfish spouses were the one who pushed it to the edge of the cliff? It's not fair. And you are right that forgiveness is not fair. Consider though...if God treated us fair in respect to how we have been disloyal to Him we would have been booted out the door long ago. Spiritualizing it doesn't make the hurt, pain or depression go away. But it does give ME a better focus and strength to go on and pursue reconciliation with my W. I can't sense from your posts as to whether your H is broken over what he did to you or just mildly sorry (cuz he got caught). Until he hits his knees and takes responsibility and drives the recovery in a "healthy" direction I fear you may stay in your "tailspin." I am praying for you. Let me know how I/we in this group can help further.