My husband is VP at a large company and had an affair that ended about 2 months ago with one of his employees. He told his company and resigned when I discovered it all about 3 weeks after he had ended it with her. They did not accept his resignation and gave him a leave of absence to think things through. After 2 weeks he returned. They moved his office to another building, but she still has to report to him. They legally cannot move her and there is nowhere else in the company for my husband to go.

This is the only job he has ever had and literally worked his way up from the bottom. That is one reason I believe they would not let him resign. I still can't believe he risked all that for a year long affair with a little tramp.

None the less, he's been back to work about 6 weeks now from his leave of absence and slowly but surely the OW is getting "friendly" in some business transactions. "Happy Holiday" comments in e-mail and "How was your new year" comments on the phone.

My husband has told me about all of their interactions. I told him I'm not comfortable with it and to see if he can take any action with HR if she isn't totally professional. HR told him that there is nothing they can do if her comments are of a non sexual nature...which they have been so far.

She reports to a manager between the 2, but some meetings and e-mails are necessary...I understand that. Here is my dilemma. I'm not happy with her having access to him whenever she feels like it. Part of me wants him to leave the job...I can't stand the thought of them talking. But the other part of me wants him to stay. He is great at what he does, loves his job, makes GREAT money which has kept me home for 4 years with the kids and his job has lots of perks. I feel like I've lost enough. Why should I have to give up the "good life" now. That is the least I should be able to keep.

He assures me that his contact with her is strictly professional now. He has shown me the e-mails that he has sent her. They do not socialize at all. He says he ended it because he saw her for what she really is...a tramp. He says if I walk away, he would NEVER go back to her. He said he has no feelings for her anymore and that is why he ended it...much to her dislike.

What should I do about them working together? He says he will quit if he has to, but I hate to lose the benefits of his great job. Do I just have to suck it up, or am I naive to allow them to continue to work together?

If he were my H.....he would resign and find another job (in that order)

Surely his VP skills would be transferable to another company who would gladly take him in to their fold?!

He can always ask for a nice package to go.(benefits and etc to tide you all over)

Does she win then? She didn't get him, but she got his job, his financial status and all the perks that come with his job. When do I trust that she could strip tease in his office and he not be tempted by her? Do I force him to leave because I don't trust him around her? If that is the case, that they need to be seperated as to not head down that road again, then am I confident that he is sorry and repentant? If not, then why stay in this marriage?

In college I had relationships with guys who I had classes with and saw all the time. One who kept pursuing me even though I was done! I never gave into them...I was done. And ultimately I need to believe that about my husband. If he sees her 6 months from now at a shopping mall will they go to his car and screw like they used to do? I can't be certain they will never see each other. I can only trust that if she cornered him in a private office that he would do the right thing. If I don't trust that, he is subject to doing the same thing at his next job.

So why make him leave? Why suffer more? Isn't it harder on the marriage to face financial hardship and infidelity, than infidelity alone?

So sorry to hear of your situation. Mine is quite similar. My WH had A with a co-worker in his company. We moved to another state within the same company. Company found out and threatened to fire him if it happened again. Well, I'm pretty sure he's involved with someone else and here's the really great? part...he resigned his job 2 weeks before Christmas...at least that's his story. I'm wondering if they forced him to do so as a result of this A. He doesn't know that I'm aware of the current A and I'm seeking some legal advice very soon.

As far as your WH continuing to work with OW...that's just not acceptable. You need to be very clear and strong on this point. If he loves you and wants to truly reconcile this relationship he will be willing to do whatever it takes to get the marriage back on track, including finding another job. I think you really have to force this issue. I made a mistake not being more forceful about ongoing contact with OW and wish I could go back and do some things differently.

Good Luck

Just read your reply to other poster...we must be typing at the same time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

OW does not win if your husband finds a new job. I am a bit callous on the trust issue as my WH has trampled my trust in him and nothing is left in this department. I was trusting over and over again and unwittingly made it very convenienct for him to have one of his A's with a good friend. I'm not taking responsibility, just realizing that I was way way way too trusting and naive.

WH has already proven he's not got the will power he needs to withstand OW. If she continues to flirt with him he is vulnerable and you will back in the same situation. A new job with less money might be a hardship but what would another A be like? There are women in the corporate who are after the men because of their power, prestige and money. I wonder if they'd be as interested if these same men worked at McDonald's? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I still think it's a bad situation and you are asking for trouble if WH continues working with her.

Thank you guys for your feedback...really. Our counselor sees the situation very different...believing that as long as I do not catch him in any lies (which I'm checking everything) then I should trust him again. He ended the affair before I found out. The OW confirmed it when I called her myself. He says he is done and he'd NEVER go back to her. Our counselor agrees and thinks I should let him keep his job...for now.

Here is my question. Your husband had a second affair with a different woman? If so, that is my point. He could quit and find someone else to screw at his new job if we don't get to the bottom of the issues (which we are in counseling).

His job refused to accept his resignation when he quit on his own...without any pressure from me, on the day I found out. Because of the profession he is in, the told him sadly "This happens here all the time. You don't need to quit. We can do whatever it takes to make this work for you. Take a leave of absense...we will move your office...just don't leave the company...we need you." Believe it or not the President of the company (my husbands bosses boss) called him during his leave of absense to confess his own infidelities and let my husband know that he needs to work for his family and that the job was there for him. He told him he learned the hard way, that family is most important.

His company is paying for our marriage counseling as well as my husband's individual counseling. They are bending over backwards to help us and keep him.

She understands that they cannot have any contact outside of professional. If she DOES make any sexual contact he can file charges with HR and says he has every intention to. He says he's done. They moved his office, gave him a leave of absense and he willingly quit. Should I at least try this out?

Yicks!

If he remains professional and his coworkers along with HR are willing to work with him, then you have a great support group. If he reacts to to her hello's then he is not only jeopardizing his future with you but his future at this company. He will loose respect and bad things will start to happen. My H. worked for a furtune 500 and one of the big wigs was sleeping around. It got out and yes, he was given another chance. But within a year, it was happening all over again. He lost his job for "petty" reasons.
Please inform your husband that this could happen to him.

I would also advise you to pick up the book Surviving An Affair and start "plan A'ing" him. The book will explain that concept. Although the A. is over, you need to fully win your H. back over. He still might be tempted. Plan A. is kinda like the beginning of your relationship. When you saw things through rose colored glasses. No name calling or angry out burst.

As I recommend this every one., Educate yourself on Affairs. The more you know about them the more chance of you over coming this. I still plant my butt at Barnes and Noble and read, read read. I also journal my thoughts. Purging your brain onto paper is great therapy. Try to prepare yourself for an emotional roller coaster. You will have a lot of ups and downs. Especially if the two work together. Work out or get some type of exercise. I cannot tell you what a form of relief that was for me. I work out regularly anyway, but it felt so much better when I was tense. Tell your husband when you are feeling insecure and hopeless. Allow him to hear what you are feeling. In other words, keep the line of communication open. Communication is the key here.

Good luck to you. I hope this helps.

Ali~

ps my H. had an office A. and he was upper management too! But he was fired.

Hi Ali,

Thanks for the advice. I am a little familiar with Plan A. I will try to find out more.

He had a work meeting with her today and the manager between them present. I planned to call during the meeting to have her know 1) that we are back together 2) that I knew he was meeting with her 3) for him to tell me he loves me and have her hear it. Because he's the boss, he can interupt a meeting for a personal call from a wife. He said she seemed uncomfortable during our brief conversation. That is my hope. If she is uncomfortable enough...she'll leave.

My husband has already acknowledged the devestation his affair has caused. I think to a certain degree he is surprised that he was able to keep his job. I think he really expected them to accept his resignation. He thinks if he was in any other company, they would have. But because the President himself spent many years screwing around (not anymore), they have a tolerant culture.

My husbands knows he may get passed over for promotions because of this, or like you said fired for stupid reasons. He says that a lot. And he says "that's the consquence for my action. I accept responsibility."

He told me in the meeting he looked at her and realized that she's not really all that pretty. Which I knew. I know her. She's worked for him for 2 years. She's cute...but so am I. He said he felt nothing but ackward because it had been over a month since they've talked face to face.

He said it was strictly professional with the manager there to see to that, and that she even hinted to him that she was home sick and thinking of moving. My husband said they had discussed during the affair what they would do if it was ever revealed or ended and she had told him she'd probably go home. She was at the job primarily for him now. So during the meeting as they were discussing future goals, she said she was homesick and has given serious thought to moving. The manager didn't pick up on it, but my husband did.

So now, I'm praying she leaves. She's young and bright with no ties here...no family at all. My h said she often would say how much she missed her family during the relationship. So maybe she'll leave soon and end all this for me. That is my prayer.

Good night all!

Hi,

The standard mantra here is to establish no contact and to keep it, for life. Well, that certainly would stop an affair; it is rather hard to screw if you never have any contact. But sometimes this is just not possible.

I work with a woman that was once a girlfriend. We had lots of sex, way before my wife and I even knew each other. We talk when we meet in the halls. We don’t seem to have an uncontrollable urge to have sex when we have contact. I know that this relationship wasn’t an affair, but my point is we were once intimate and now we are professional.

I think that it is important that your husband made the offer to quit his job. I think that this is a sign of respect for you. He realized that it would be hard for you to deal with him having daily contact with is affair partner. You have decided, it appears, that you can accept him maintaining contact if it is professional only.

While no contact is the ideal, sometimes it is not practical. Realistically, you can’t control what your husband does anyway. If he wants to sleep around he will. As was mentioned, he could quite his job, but there is no guarantee that he won’t get involved with someone else at his new place of employment.

Have you two discovered why he had this affair? There is no excuse for and affair, but there are reasons that folks have them. Usually something is missing in their life, people here say they had needs that were going unfulfilled.

Good luck. Read all you can and really try to find out what drove this disaster.

<small>[ January 06, 2005, 12:23 PM: Message edited by: Comfortably Numb ]</small>

Hi Numb! Thank you for your support. I appreciated your example, I think it illustrates my point perfectly.

We are in counseling and trying to discover why my husband who had everything, still wasn't happy. It has nothing to do with me...that I'm sure of.

Anyway, have a great day!

Let me just point out that an affair before a relationship with a spouse usually peters out for valid reasons by one or both members of the affair. Affairs during marriage were embarked on with the knowledge that it was a sneaky, improper relationship to start to begin with.

My H is still friends with an old flame (we see her and her mate in group activities) who he broke up with due to lack of compatibility but he will not be working with his EA who he was involved with during our marriage ever again. We have this clearly established with each other.

Sure, you need to see how the affair occured and why to keep it from happening again.

From the previous post about 'the woman winning'....she doesn't. The H didn't have forsight when choosing to cheat. He didn't think of his job security/benefits then. He is obviously a skilled VP who wouldn't have much trouble finding another, equally lucrative position. That his boss didn't accept his resignation is interesting. You either resign or not. The boss doesn't decide.
Godhelpme2.....have you ever talked to the boss directly to see if your H is being open with you. To check on his resignation/"we won't let you resign" story?

I truly hope that you and your H can weather this difficult time in your marriage.

My husband's relationship with the OW did peter out on its own. My husband ended the A about a month before I found out. I was able to verify that from her directly (we talked) and from the text messages which clearly indicated that it was over.

As far as his resignation goes, when I quit my job to be home with my daughter, my boss (small business owner) begged me to stay. He offered me part time status, whatever just don't go for good. Ultimately, he had to accept the resignation because I didn't want the job! But my husband resigned because he thought he had to...not because he didn't want the job. They let him know he didn't have to and so he took a 2 week leave of absense (which of course I know because he was home the whole time).

As far as talking to his boss, I didn't need to. I heard his conversations with HR and his boss about when and if he'd return. He cancelled an important business trip telling them, I'm not sure if I'll be returning. So I know he quit! They didn't want him to and ultimately accommodated him, so he could stay.

I actually admire his company for that. Office affairs are so common these days, making it grounds for termination doesn't really make sense. Did we want Bill Clinton to resign because Monica gave him a blow job? I didn't! I thought Hillary should leave him, but I didn't want him to stop being president. One really had nothing to do with the other.

Godhelpme,

The part about this that would scare the hell out of me, if I was in HR at your husband’s company, is that your husband is/was? her boss. His company is taking a tremendous risk allowing these two to work together . . . having sex with a subordinate is just a sexual harassment suit waiting to happen. This is why most companies have very strict rules about this issue.

Ladies,

If you are afrid of some other woman tempting your husband, try tempting him yourself.

A while ago, Pepperband posted this for a similar situation, and I thinkit is a classic. Too many wives forget that they are lovers first, then wives and mothers.


"WARNING R-rated content

Ramp up your sexual aggressiveness with your husband.

Go to Victoria Secrets ... and buy some good stuff.

Wear your new pretty short robe open in the morning showing off your new lace. Bend over and pick things up off the floor so he can see under your short robe. Look fantastic. Smell great. Smile. Give soft eye contact, then smile and quickly look away.... then look back and shut your eyes while smiling. You are trying to ATTRACT a male of the species... remember that? It's NOT that hard (sorry guys, you know it's true). He's visual. Appeal to his SENSES right now ... not to his sense.

Wake him up in the morning (or in the middle of the night) with a BJ. If you do this every day for a week.... what might happen?

Cook his favorite meals.
Play his favorite music.
Touch him inappropriately under the table in the restaurant.

WOO HIM
SEDUCE HIM

Leave little room for him to be thinking about another woman. Take up all the space in his consciousness with the "WOW" factor of getting a lot of sexual attention from his WIFE!

You'll have fun ... and he's an easy mark.... know why? HE LOVES YOU!!!!!!!!

Pep"

[ August 07, 2004, 12:35 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]

Hey Numb! He is her boss's boss. Yep! That high up!

Apparently HR procedure is to meet with both offending parties seperately and see if they both agree it was mutal and non-pressured. They both agreed that it was mutual. They then have them sign a statement saying so and that the A is over.

They made her offers to accommodate her as well. They offered to move her, relocate her, change her department and counseling. She told HR that she had no problem continuing to report to my husband. So if they both were fine with the arrangement, they sign a form saying so and off they go.

Now, I don't think she's too happy she stayed. My husband keeps things strictly business and I saw the e-mail she send him raving about how "you are OBVIOUSLY avoiding me. I think it's ridiculous if we are supposed to work together, etc." HR knows about the e-mail and said it is non-sexual in nature, to just let it go. He did.

I thought it created all kinds of problems too, but apparently there are "newer" ways of handling office Affairs. His company seems pretty progressive to me on this matter.

Sounds like your FWW has made great strides in putting his life back together less the little "tramp".

I did work w/a single girl years ago that always chased after the VP and always a married guy..It was her "thing"..She didn't want full committment, responsibilty, kids, etc. she just wanted the drinks, dinner, etc. She enjoyed being the "mistress"...She did have a long term A w/the owner of the company, they ended it after the death of his wife, and never resumed the A..She still worked for him side by side..But, the A was over...

I know a few other men that slept w/her and really when it was over that was it..So it can be done...

My WH had an A w/one of our employees (can we say very BAD business decision) it did end - for a few months - it has since started up again. The bad thing is this woman enjoys making me miserable - knowing full well that I can't fire her - so she rubs my nose in it..That's where WH screwed up - he was having other A's that I wasn't aware of - when he picked this one - everything else started to surface.

I think if your FWH continues to blow her off and keep things strictly business she'll find a new guy to chase. It wouldn't hurt for you to meet him for lunch, be seen alittle at work as the loving wife, etc. Maybe rub her in nose in it...make her feel uncomfortable for a change.

Good Luck - Sounds like your FWW is on the right track..

Hey ItHURTS! Great advice. We have already done that and talked about doing more of it. He had a meeting with her and her boss yesterday. I called in the middle of it so she could hear him tell me that he was meeting with her (no secrets) and tell me that he loved me with her listening. He said it worked well. She seemed uncomfortable.

So now we are going to do it with every meeting. He's the boss, so he can interrupt the meeting if he wants. Anytime he is meeting with her (and even if that includes the rest of the staff) he gets a call from me.

Also, we are thinking of planning a post holiday party for his staff. Normally he would have done it, but with all the drama no go. So we are going to invite the staff and a date/spouse to either dinner at our house or a restuarant. If she comes, she's uncomfortable all night looking at us as the couple. And if she doesn't come, she is uncomfortable being the only one missing out. It is brillant...isn't it?!

We are planning lunch together for next week. I'm going to have him bring my by his "old office" to say hi to the staff! I'm a little nervous, it will be the first time I've seen her since all this. But, it has to happen sometime.

Not sure if that is so brilliant! Good intentions but you have got to think like the OW. She could be at your house and thinking "yeah I am here in your house watching you and your husband flirt and be the happy couple but I screwed him. Ha!" So she could be laughing at you. I would never have the OW ever step foot in my house by choice. I wouldn't want her to look at all my personal things. That is just my opinion. She may feel all too much at home. At my H. apartment which I was only there 3 times, I still felt invaded and dirty.
Say, where is she from? If she is at your house for the x-mas party, you could be talking with another coworker about the state she is from and how you would love to go there and visit and see the sites. Hopefully it is not Kansas. Make her really home sick. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> No offense if any one is from there!
On a serious note...it sounds like your husband has all the intentions on making it right. He realizes that he made a very bad choice. Trusting him? Please don't rush. You need time to heal. Unless you are 100% confident. Trusting him to early might have a side effect. Whoops what if he slips up on something minor. You may have all those feelings of betrayal all over again. So trusting takes time. I am not sure I agree with your therapist about trusting him 100% again so soon. Healing takes time and trust is earned! When you two start to heal then your trust level will rise with the level of healing. Make sense?
I also read a lot of maturity between the two of you. That will definitely help you two on the road to recovery.

But there is one thing that is bothering me about what she did. If the HR dept was smart why would they ask her; "Do you mind reporting to him?" What is she going to say? Does this OW still have feelings for your H? I am not sure if I read that anywhere.

Ali~

Comfortably Numb, On a sad note, my husband did sleep with HR!!!!!!!! And he was the one that got fired! In a 1000 ways I was happy. Because I didn't have to move to South Texas which I was dreading anyway. But every one in the company thought that she should have been fired. Not only was the little slut sleeping with my husband, she was sleeping with some other married guy while she was married. Ironically, her boss, head of HR was sleeping with the CEO who happened to be married also. Really sad scenrio. They did us a favor!

<small>[ January 06, 2005, 05:06 PM: Message edited by: Ali88 ]</small>

Ali, see how much sleeping around goes on in companies? I think my husband's job handled it well...really.

I totally think she still has feelings for my husband. When I talked to her on D-day, she made it clear to me that she loved him and this was all very hard on her. If she was really done with him, don't you think she would have moved to another department faster than you can blink? I would have. She also wouldn't be sending the somewhat friendly e-mails she has.

As far as her laughing at me...she did for a year. Every time I saw her, she laughed at me. Now it is my turn! She's been here to my house anyway, so what difference is it if she comes again now. She was here before the A so while back , but she has been here.

Yes, I agree. That is why you and your husband need to have a complete line of communication open. Don't leave him in the dark when you are feeling insecure. Let him know when you are.

Be a bigger person then she is. You married him and he loves you. He made the choice to end and come back to you with his dignity while she still has her feelings towards your husband. Yes gloat a little bit. But don't over do it. Approach your Hubby with a little touch on the arm or a little peck on the cheek when he says something cute or funny. Touch him when you have to leave his side. Make loving gestures. Don't over kill it!

It saddens me that there people out there that only prey on married people. Too me it is like a game. From what I understand, the slut my H. slept with stood in his office while My H. was back home for our infant sons major surgery, and stared at my picture for a long time. One of is coworkers asked her what she is doing in there. I used to talk with her..his coworker so she told me all about it. She told me this before the A. started. She said that the slut was sitting in his chair holding my picture. Scary huh? What Premeditated Affair? She knew what she was doing and she also knew how bad I missed him because she had spoken with me several times before my sons surgery to talk about our insurance. I told my H. how mean she was to me and he couldn't understand why! Well, we all now know why! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I hope it works out for the two of you. Please take it day by day. Set small goals for yourself and try not to over achieve. Remember, you are still in a state of fog yourself.

I am dying to know what happens at this party. Good luck there!

Ali~