</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> And I DID just do it - about an hour ago </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>???</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry John - not communicating well - was in a huge hurry to get the kids supper fixed and get ready for work, as well as listen to my wife rant at me. I meant I had just confronted her - in essence, I've begun Plan A.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Plan A is not something you do as a one-time thing. It is a change in the way you relate to your spouse which you keep up for as long as you can, and then you go to Plan B. Now it is sometimes the case that you cannot do it for more than a few minutes...but that means it's time for Plan B.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think I've been preparing for Plan A for a long time - even before the affair actually began, by listing what I know to be my main LBs and then working systematically to remove them. Unfotunately, my W has been so out of the picture (hanging out with freinds, keeping separate hours, etc, that I am not even sure she knows me right now at all - I think she still sees the old me...oh well - these things can pass...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Did you read those links?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Read 'em, and printed them to study them at work in spare time while writing my journal...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Now I'm stuck with waiting to see what happens. RIght now she has locked the bedroom door and is on the phone with who knows who, telling them what a bad guy I am... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't worry too much about how she reacts. Just work your Plan. She is in a fog and will not respond as expected or desired. It is likely that her external and internal reactions will be different, or even opposite.

Don't worry about what she says or does. Worry about what YOU are saying and doing. [/QB][/QUOTE]

Thanks for the advice - I prayed all night to stay calm, confident, loving and firm thru the next weeks. Maybe she will start to rememeber the good we had that she has totally forgotten...Sob sob poor me...

David

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I prayed all night to stay calm, confident, loving and firm thru the next weeks. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Great! Don't beat yourself up too much if you don't do it perfectly. Just do your best, and keep asking God for help.

I do have a question that maybe someone can answer. My wife seems determined to leave - I have no idea how she can afford it - although she has a lot of law school friends she can live with.

If I can do it in any way, I will stop her from taking the kids, that I am sure of. My question is this: If she leaves, do I stay working plan A or do I switch to plan B, and allow that the only contact she have with me is to work on our marriage. She keeps telling me what good friends we would be if we were divorced; I finally assured her that if she divorced me, the only way we would be friends, in fact, the only way we would communicate at all is if she wanted to work on the marriage, and there would be no 'friendship' - I have no use for that kind of stuff.

What direction should I take in this instance? I have the feeling she is working out some sort of 'move out' plan with a group of her friends - maybe do it one night while I'm at work, or whatever....

Bump

Bump again - I am confused on this issue - if she is still hanging out with the OM, and moving out, what is the purpose of remaining on Plan A? I've been working on changing myself for several months now, and she hasn't taken the time to notice - too busy running with her friends to spare a moment or two with me. Maybe just being gone may make her think...whio knows......Anyway - see my bumped ???

John - you mentioned another book about a marriage between a "Controller" and a "Pleaser" - but I cabn't remember the title - could you remind me? Please?????

David

"The State of Affairs" by Todd Mulliken.

As for her leaving - you can't control her, so how she acts or reacts is almost irrelevant. Work your plan based on what YOU want to do, and how you want to be, not how she reacts.