Hi!

There is always a paper trail. The truth will come out eventually. I would check all cell phone bills. Make a copy of the itemize calls. Then, check your home phone records too. I believe you can get an itemized bill too. Computer. I believe there is a program that will allow you to see who your husband is e-mailing to. Now that he knows that you are on to him, he might "lay low" and e-her at work. Ok here is the hard one. If he says he is going to be late that evening that he and his fellow students are going out afterwards, go to his school, park far enough where he can't see you but you can still see what's going on and follow him to his detination. Check bank statements, credit cards, etc. Look for anything out of the norm. In the meantime. Don't act like you know a thing. Act as if you always do. Check his shirts for different smells, make up, watch his behavior. If he is extra sweet or is distant. warning signs . But at this time, don't change your behavior. You could say to him, Gee, I was soo stupid and insecure for thinking you would cheat on me. He heee. But keep up with your dectective work.

There is some info.

Ali~

My gut/instincts is telling me that something happened, what that something is, I'm not sure.
He admits to being attracted to her, but the words in the e-mails tell me that there was more than just flirting going on.

I keep thinking back to our last argument. I had been in a funk/not feeling well for almost 2 weeks. I was not being mean to him, but was not really speaking to him either. I was just there.
Well he had enough of it and then a fight started.
Not only did he say he couldn't live with me anymore if this is what I was going to like, then how could I blame him in he was had an affair. We had not had sex in 2 weeks, which was very unsual for us. At the time, before I knew about the e-mails, I responded with "two weeks without sex and you are ready to have an affair"? These two comments combined is what raised the red flags for me. So a few days later I went to his office and found the e-mails. They are from his work computer, not his home computer.

I've been doing the investigating, no credit card charges, no unexplained outings, and I have been watching the call logs on his blackberry.

I have found a place that will allow DH to take a polygraph test, they do it quite frequently for the same reason that I want it done. But can't decide if I want to go that route, let him know that I want him to do this and watch his reaction or let it go for a little while longer and see if I can find anything else.

But I don't know how much longer I can keep on like this. I'm way behind at work as I have not been able to focus. This is consuming all my thoughts and energy.

Thanks for the investigations tips, I will keep it up for a little while longer.

Goodwifey

Well, my point of view is a little different, because in my case I was the unfaithful wife. I had an EA by internet with a man who works in same company but other country.

Your case remember me when my H discovered that I was chating with OM, and he asked me about that. I lied him, I told him it was just a good friend that has same role in company and we have a lot topics to talk about. As at begging I lied my H. He suspects as you, that there was something wrong. He was angry for almost 4 weeks. I stopped my EA, I realized that my marriage was in risk because my stupid.

In my opinion main thing is "Why", what is missing in your marriage or relationship? Im not trying to justify the A. But if the reason is not solved the risk is always present with that W or with other.

Well is just another opinion.

Sorry to jump in here...but Cur, you're wwaaaaaaay off base girl.

You said the following:
"In my opinion main thing is "Why", what is missing in your marriage or relationship? Im not trying to justify the A. But if the reason is not solved the risk is always present with that W or with other."

I vehemently disagree with you. An affair is a CHOICE. It is like deciding whether or not you want to put shoes on...you either do or you do not.

Unfortunately, there are alot of WS out there who DO have their EN's met...but want more...more of something? Or maybe it's just wanting something different, as in case of my xh. I was vanilla, and he wanted chocolate. Or another anology will do here as well.

The "reason" or "missing thing" you speak about bothers me...big time...the healing of a marriage broken apart by adultery does NOT fall upon the shoulders of the BS...it should fall upon both shoulders if honestly addressed.

May I ask if you have been able to effectively meet the emotional needs of your BS?

You see, I almost think now there are two types of people...those who would cheat, and those who would not. And in the "would not" category, are people that even if their own EN's weren't effectively or even close to 50 percent met, they still would honor their vows.

I think the prob w/Good wifey's H is that he's spending long hours in an activity that is 1)builds self esteem 2)enables him to be out of home for long periods at night and 3)he's found an ego boost (ow).

And no matter what, there is NOT an excuse for cheating. If you're unhappy, tell your S. Ask for help. And if you're that darn unhappy, then leave your S and get a divorce.

No excuses..just justifications to have affairs. That's the reality.

And to Good Wifey, yea I believe he's had an EA and a PA. His dodgy behavior says more than words.

To confirm, hire a PI. Worked for me. He'd say one thing and his actions were totally counter...my xh was a master of espionage and hiding his affairs. He had life good at our home...but he liked having more of the good life basically.

Honestly, I believe until you directly confront him with solid proof, you'll get more lies from this guy. He won't come clean until he has to. I also learned that from my xh...lied until the 11th hour when he realized it wouldn't work both ways...with me and with op.

Install a keylogger into your computer. Get a gps system, but in the long run, a PI is best b/c they can provide details, place, time, and like in my case, get footage of the whole thing...

How could you argue with an entry logbook made by a professional investigator? How could you argue with a video? Sometimes they'll lie until there is no other option.

Before you can begin any type of healing, your H has to come clean. And you need to also do it quickly so that it saves you sanity and time spent worrying and being sad. Get it over with...install keylogger, get PI. Get informed! And then get some exposure! Expose it to whomever needs to hear it so that it will implode their illicit activities.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Unfortunately, there are alot of WS out there who DO have their EN's met...but want more...more of something? Or maybe it's just wanting something different, as in case of my xh. I was vanilla, and he wanted chocolate. Or another anology will do here as well.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep! That is my H. too! I was doing everything right. He admitt that too in MC. But I was not the image he wanted on his shoulder. My H. is very showy. Like nice things, very materialistic. He likes blondes, and reds. I am chestnut light brown. He likes corporate women. I like my horses and a people person. So when that "thing" all though very ugly women (seriously) came by and showing extreme interest in my H. he got a high. So it doesn't matter what was going on.
Do yo have any progress on the suspicions yet? PI's are very expensive and becareful who you get. They can manipulate you. If you decide to go with one, make sure they "spy" on your terms!

Poloygraphs are easy to fool especially if they are a good liar.

My suspicions started with a hunch then I became very suspicious and I listen to my gut and sadly I was right. If your gut is telling you something, listen to it. So many times we never listen to our gut. We put our morality first which is our hearts. Unfortunately we can't always live this way. It is a romantic way of life but it is just unrealistic. I am not saying not to trust but be aware. My favorite saying is...If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, then gosh poopoo darn it, it is a duck!! Your proof is in the letters. There was another poster here that I had befriended who had the same discovery. She wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt but she was only hurting herself. Finally it came out and the healing started. But before the emotions of healing starts it has to in the open. Sorry if I repeated up there. But it is true. We been through this and we are have tons of knowledge and we want to help. If you came on here with those "suspecting" letters, that should tell you something. Listen to your gut. BTW of course he doesn't want you to know! Think about it! Does anyone?

Ali~

It's clearly a PA. At some point, situations like this usually become undeniable. You'll kick yourself for believing him.

And IF it's all a joke (such a lame lie), it's inexcusably inappropriate for a married man to do. And woman who sleep with other women's H are scum.

But bravo to you for confronting her. Please don't be naive. Don't be used.

Good Wifey,

RED FLAG!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> "NOT MY TYPE" okay..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Last Thursday, he did admit that he was attracted to her, that she was fun and fun to be around. He had not admitted that up to that point, in fact when I would tease him about her previously he would say "she's not my type".

My H told me the exact same thing verbatum....I trusted him and believed him. Stupid me!!! He was sleeping with someone who was not his type...said that to throw me off.

Go with your gut and your instincts. Don't take him for his word if you're not feeling right about this.

justpeachy

My native language isnt english, so Im apologize if I cant explain everything clear.

I never tryied to justify an A. In my case I never thought I could have an A. (even by internet)

As you said, I told my H that I want to spend more time with him just to talk. He prefers wath TV than talk with me. This problem was before "met" OM. I never met him in fact.

Our EA started as a frienship, and well he cover that necesity in me. BAD TOO BAD, I know, I put in risk my marriage, with a good man, that isnt perfect, but neither do I am perfect.

If you read concepts in this site, if we (both:HUSBAND and WIFE) doesnt put everything in order to have our bank love full, a lot of problems can take place.

I NEVER JUSTIFY AN A, Im not perfect and I regreted about what I did. I learned lesson, Im doing everythin I can in order to solve thins in my marriage. Sometimes I doing good and sometimes not.

If you read, in this site you can read about several cases where marriages could survive an affair. (aussieswife by example) And they dont just survive, they are stronger now than ever, because that help them to understand and (how can I say this, to revaluate their relation).

It sounds that you are hurt, because your experience. Im 100% agree with you that is better stop first a relation and then start another, never mix this. But its no so simple, in my case I was confused, why a complete "stranger" can wake up interest in me? well because he showed interested in me, and in my work. But this "interest" was just a confusion, I never stop love my H, but I lied him, I broke his heart, and now Im want to "fix" our marriage.

Having an A is AWFUL, and I dont want to justify, if I told you that something is wrong in marriage.

Maybe there are people who arent good with themselves and they are looking "something" and they have A and then another A and another, and at the end maybe they are going to be alone. Because they dont know what they want.

But this behaviour is not the rule.

You can read the post about couples here that are sharing their experience about A and how they solved, and now their marriage are better than before. (This cases are few, because is not easy to forgive and forgot)

If all marriage that have had an A, were divorced now, WOW!

If there are no children involved, I change the locks.

I'd be asking myself why I wanted to be married to someone who wanted to flirt with other people more than flirt with me.

But then I have little patience for a spouse who wants to have a third party, with or without sex.

In my post I tell my long and not so interesting story. But in the end if my wife said anything less than she was 100% in the relationship, and that she would never allow any appearance of a compromising situation again, I'd be gone.