Coming up on 10 years of marriage. I'm 40, she's 38. Two sons (18) and 8. W took temporary position overseas with 8 year old. I commute back and forth every 2 weeks.

I began dating my wife after she broke up with a boyfriend from 1995 whom she had a strong emotional relationship with. She was molested as a child and date raped as a young woman. Since we've been married, she has always believed I was the "perfect" husband, but that she has never had that feeling. Yesterday, she said she doesn't want to have sex anymore because she always feels like she's been violated afterward... dirty. She's also clarified that she's never been in love with me. No feeling of love.... ever. She convinced herself to marry me and other people told her it was a good idea, so she did it.

Now, she does not want a divorce, but she wants me to find someone else. Her parents divorced and she doesn't want to do that to the kids. She thinks I deserve to be loved, but she can't do it. She wants to have the freedom to know that she can have that "feeling" with someone else again. She believes its love at first sight, or you don't get the feeling. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I'm trying not to break out the Love Busters, but I'm feeling pretty defensive and hurt. Two very unmanly and I'm sure very unattractive traits.

I've asked her to check out the site and see if there isn't some path we can take to find mutual happiness, but she says she's been trying for 10 years, and has been unsuccessful. The recent change is that we have a young man living overseas with my wife who has brought that feeling back for her. Nothing's happened physically, and she doesn't expect it to happen, but knowing she can have that feeling with someone else besides me has confirmed her feelings.

Yesterday she gave back the wedding ring and slept downstairs.

Friends and family are coming for a big party tomorrow and I don't feel like much of a party.

Is there any hope? Since there never was a feeling of love, should I even try? Is it time to start separating our assets?

I feel pretty physically poor right now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hello SleeplessNSeattle(SNS),

Welcome to MB although I am sorry you are here for Infidelity.And my opinion is it is Infidelity based on what you mentioned.

All of us here can really sympathize with how you are feeling right now.The pain is horrible and you feel lost and confused.There is so much going on and how do you deal with it all? What are you supposed to do? You don't know whether or not to stay or go.Your mind is spinning trying to figure this out only no answers come.

Ok.Take heart.You WILL survive this and there is SO much to do and discuss but I will try not to overwhelm you since you are new and just beginning your journey.

First of all,recognize and accept that your WW(wayward wife) is very confused right now and hurting too.You said that she is 38 but she has very "immature and confused" notions about love and part of that may be due to her past history of abuse of which is pretty awful for a woman to have endured.I am sorry about that.That is very sad.

Many things that you mentioned are indicative that she could be/is in an at least an EA(emotional affair) if not a PA(physical affair) too.Just because she says she hasn't actually been physical with this young man doesn't mean it didn't already happen.Many times a WS(wayward spouse) will lie right to your face to cover their tracks since they are not willing or ready to admit it or face that fact yet.I would not be surprised if she has already had sex with this man SIS.I am sorry to say that but it's something you need to be prepared for.

Taking off her Wedding ring,sleeping away from you in another bed/area,stating that she was never in love with you,convinced herself to marry you(hmmm,wonder why she stuck it out for 10 years if she was so unhappy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ),freedom,wanting to have the infatuated feelings of "love at first sight" which is really misguided all speak to the fact that she has probably developed an emotional attachment to this OM(other man).These are classic signs of an A.

It is humanly impossible to sustain the "high" of new "love"(infatuation).It is a chemical induced brain reaction that wears off over time(2-3 years).So what we spend a great deal of time trying to get WS's to see is that this is not unique,you did not find your "soulmate",it will not last and by the time you realize this on your own,you have most likely lost the person who had true,long lasting love for you,lost your home,children,maybe your job,etc all for this "high" and for thinking the OP(other person) was the answer to all your problems.NO WAY.

So what do you do first? Here is a guideline:

1) Please check in with your doctor and get yourself into counseling pronto.You cannot handle this trauma alone.If your WW will not go with you,and at this point I would say she is not anywhere near ready,go by yourself.You need to be able to talk about this and that means to someone,family and certain friends too.You need all the support you can get.Infidelity is an extremely painful trauma.Many of us here have been on AD's(antidepressants) to help get through the intial shock phase.You need to be able to eat,sleep and function to endure this and take care of any children and be able to work.AD's can help.Consider it.

2) Exposure.Is this OM married? Why is he living with your WW? If the OM is married then you need to tell his WW what is going on.Try to gather any evidence that the A is ongoing.Like cell phone records,e-mails,personal items,etc.Does your WW talk about this man? What do you know about him? If he isn't the one that is confusing your WW right now I don't know who is.

3) Read up on Plan A under the Q&A section at the top page.Get the books SAA(Surviving an Affair),HNHN(His Needs,Her Needs) by Dr.Harley; "NOT Just Friends" by Shirley Glass(excellent)and Tough Love by Dr.James Dobson.Also check out our MB bookstore for other good reads.

4) Don't think about separation right now at all.It's way too soon.It's best to refrain from making any decisions about leaving or staying for at least 6 months.Give yourself this time to adjust,learn and deal ok?

Do encourage your WW to come here and post her side.We have several FWW's(former wayward wives) who can help her along.They post primarily on the GQII(General Questions) message board.Tell your WW that it is possible to get back the IN LOVE feelings(or close to it) again but it takes work and certainly the OM has to be out of the picture to have this chance.Ask her,wouldn't it be wonderful if she could have these feelings for you again AND save her marriage and prevent your children from having the legacy of divorce(D)put upon them?

Hope this helps so far.There is a lot to cover and much of it is just by going through it over the next several months.Keep posting,we are here for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

O

P.S. The best option now,if it can be done,is to get your WW out of that temp position at work(away from the OM) and into a new job closer to you.That would help a LOT.

<small>[ February 26, 2005, 06:24 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

SNS,

While it is possible that she may have gotten married to you for the reasons she states, especially if she had done this since the two of you got married, but if this is just a recent development, then the more likely scenario is that she is emotionally and/or sexually involved with another man. But before you consider throwing in the towel please do some investigation and find out if she is truly involved with someone else. If this turns out to be the case then follow the principles outlined in Dr Willard Harley's books like 'Surviving An Affair', 'Love Busters' and 'His Needs, Her Needs' as well as his articles on this website such as What Are Plan A And Plan B. While nobody can guarantee that your marriage will be saved, following the principles will give you the best chance to do so.

TMCM

Thanks for the good advice. The OM is a nanny for our 8 year old son and friend of the family. He has a girlfriend stateside and is leaving in May.

I'll take the first steps and see what happens. I'm off to put on the happy face for the family.

You know how good you guys are? I just spent the day with the nanny, wife, son, my dad, and her mom. The young man and my wife went in a separate car to run an errand, and when they pulled in front of our car, they started making out. Is that enough evidence???!!!

Is it considered tough love to beat the living $*@*% out of the 19 year old?

Answer quickly!

19 years old huh? Well that will be a long lasting "love". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> More evidence SNS to ride this out.He is just a boy toy.I can understand the desire to pummel him but you don't want to go to prison.The OM is a lowlife user and he's not worth the time of day.

Stick with us here and we can help you cope.

Remember weekends are slow.Be patient and hang in there.

O

P.S. FIRE THE NANNY!!!!!!!!

<small>[ February 26, 2005, 06:24 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Unfortunately he's a very polite young man. How about calling his dad and sending him home.

I also think my son should not return to France for now.

Sound rational?

OK. He's sleeping in my house tonight. I told him not to touch her. My son and he are flying back overseas with my wife on Sunday morning. She said she wouldn't send the Boy toy home. So, do I keep my son here and make up an excuse?

I called his dad and filled him in too.

I talked with my pastor last night about a plan. My son get's his Eagle award for Boy Scouts tonight so I don't want this to be a bad memory.

The pastor said to kick the kid out tonight, but that would be too obvious. What a tightrope!!!
So instead, he's sleeping in my son's room.

She told me last night that if I keep our son from going over, she'll never see him again and divorce me.

This morning she wanted to talk about all the trips we were going to take together in the next two months. This includes the 19 year old, of course. Of course she wanted me to rub her back while we talked about it.

I watched them sitting on the couch at dinner last night with the family all around. She seemed not to have a care in the world.

The pain in my stomach went away for awhile last night after talking to the pastor, but its coming back again this morning.

Hello,

Kick the kid out NOW! Your wife is humiliating and disrespecting you right in front of you. You need to read Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson.
Your wife is blowing smoke threntening to divorce you. I suggest you contact an attorney, kick the 19 year old out now and get control of your life and marriage. Do you really think your wife would put up with such crap if the roles were reversed?
Kissing right in front of the house for you to see.
Clearly at this point your wife has absolutely no respect for you and sees you as a doormat whose is willing to suffer all types of humiliation. If you do not have respect for yourself then who will? The more you allow this the less respect she will have for you. She is having an affair right in front of you and you allow this without consequences? Get your head our of your behind and stand up for yourself and your marriage. Kick him out NOW and tell your wife to leave also and see an attorney. My guess is that she will get out of the fog very quickly. Right now both of them are getting off on how they are having an affair living with you and right in front of you and you do nothing but tell the 19 year old no more touching my wife? Can't you see how sad and pathetic that is? Kick him out NOW!

SNS,

Your story is truly unique. It deserves a WTF is going on in the wolrd!!!!!!!! I heard about WW being in the fog but yours is surrounded by concrete. Go talk to the kid's parents, talk to him, kick him out of the house and don't let one more of your cents go to this little creep. I feel like kicking his a$$ so I can't imagine how you are feeling. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Hi sleepless, sorry for the reasons that bring you here. It just sickens me to think your WW would make out with this boy in front of you. Please be the man you can be and send the boy toy home NOW to his daddy and let daddy read him the riot act. Not sure what else to say except I agree that your WW is blowing smoke up your rear about divorce. I would ask your WW to leave and not return until NC is in place and she agrees to MC.

SnS

Welcome to MB, there is so much good advice here for you. Read, Read, Read. I'm sorry you have to be here, I'm sorry for you pain.

Listen to these people, they can help you.

Your wife is not thinking rationally, this is what we call fog, she can not make any good decisions right now because of this fog.

Time for you to take a stand for your family, because it is the right thing to do. Obvious for you, but not for a WS who is lost in the fog.

This young man has to go, ASAP. One day, when your wife is recovered, she will thank you for your brave stand against her affair.

Best wishes, and an MB hug (((SNS)))

KY

SNS,

If you are still with us,let us know how it went tonight with the Scouts.There is still a lot to cover and discuss.

DO NOT LET THIS MAN SLEEP AT YOUR HOME ANYMORE! Take him by the ear and lead him to the curb.Call a Taxi and tell him never to set foot near your family again!

O

The Eagle ceremony went great. The house is full of friends. The pastor will be here in 30 minutes to help me counsel the OM.

Good news number 1. The other man feels horrible. The only thing that's happened so far is emotional. The poor kid was almost shaking. He really wanted to go home, and I'm taking him to a redeye flight at 11:00 p.m.

Now my wife. You should be able to hear her wherever you are.

SIS

Great News!
Way to go!

Talked to the OM. He felt trapped and shamed. He is very remorseful, and wanted to go home. I got him a ticket out tonight.

Confronation of the WS did not go as well. Pastor, her sister and I told her that he had left. Her eyes got big, and she ran out of the house screaming at me so she could catch him at the airport. I was one of the saddest things I've ever seen. My oldest son (18) knows something is wrong and broke down sobbing while telling me he loves me. I told him this is the only way to help mom now, and it's going to hurt for awhile. The WW is on her way home now calling every 5 minutes out of control. The 8 year old has left the house for the night, and will stay here. My wife will probably go overseas tomorrow first AM. She is welcome to come home next weekend if she wants to work it out. Right now she wants the divorce and a fight for the boys. You know. I'm kind of busy right now, is there a way to schedule this for another time?????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Hi SNS,

I am glad you are back with us.This boy would be a bigger fool to stay in contact with your WW after the fallout.We shall see.It is rarely over the first pass.Keep that in mind.

Listen.The way your WW is reacting is par for the course(anger,divorce threats,etc).You basically took away her "candy","drug","fix" and she is flipping out.It is sad to witness how hooked WS's are on these OP.The "nanny" was a KID,YOUR OLDER SON'S AGE.It would have NEVER worked out in the long run.No way no how.But I have no doubt she is emotionally connected to this young man and that is what she is afraid of losing.She CAN have feelings fo you again and you can have a great marriage.It's getting her to believe this chance that is the first step.Your WW would have lost so much but she doesn't see that right now.Most don't.

Please remember to read up on what Plan A and B are.Plan B will be instrumental if your WW decided to stay overseas or who knows what will happen if she tries to contact the young man again.He might finally tell her to go away after last night.

Be strong now and let's see how this plays out.

Stick with us and you should think about transitioning over to GQII ok? It's more mainstream(more traffic) and most of us are there.You will get a lot of input.Check it out and do some reading.

O

There are some interesting parallels between our stories - in particular the reaction of your wife to making love with you, the history of sexual abuse, and my wife suggesting I get a lover.

In our case, the way my wife felt about making love with me was caused by a combination of the quality (or lack thereof) of our relationship and her sexual history. Reading Harley and changing my behavior accordingly only took care of part of the problem. When that happened, she had to look at herself for the rest of the solution. To her credit, with God's help, she has done that/is doing that, and things continue to improve. She found the book "Intimate Issues" to be helpful to her in her recovery. I told my wife about your sitch, and she said: "Make sure you tell him not to pressure her for sex."


There is a major difference in our stories, however, in that God got through to my wife while she was still involved in the affair, and she initiated the end of her affair by telling me about it. Not co-incidentally, we had started praying together fairly regularly in the months preceding this. I want to encourage you to pray, with her if she is willing, and for her if not. Obviously, if she is overseas/not communicating with you, "for her" is the only option. She is in a lot of pain too, right now. It can be hard for us BS's to see that through our own pain.

Unfortunatly, while she is in withdrawal, she is not going to be very receptive to the changes you are making in your relationship, so you are going to need to be patient. In addition to prayer, read the link in my signature line, and avoid lovebusters like the plague. You are in a long-term battle here. You need God's help, which is why I suggest you pray, and you need to avoid shooting yourself in the foot, which is why you need to eliminate lovebusters.

I'm sure your wife feels like your sending the OM away was a huge lovebuster, but, if you are successful, some months or years from now she will see it as fighting for her and your marriage.

You might also want to look into the legal category of "abandonment" regarding her behavior, and her right to her kids. It may be the lever you need to pry her loose from her fantasy. This is a war, but a strange one where you need to love your enemy. She is certainly not making decisions that are healthy for your children right now, and there is no reason you should let them suffer any more than they have to, even if it causes her more pain. That said, you should give her all the access to the children possible, though you may have to move the 8-yr old's passport to a safe place to keep her from taking him out of the country.

<small>[ February 28, 2005, 12:13 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>