Well, you were all correct. He HAS had a full blown PA/EA. It has been going on for 18 months. I had a gut feeling about the fact that he had destroyed the phone bills for all of last year and then discovered that even the six months before that were gone too. I told him that I had set up an internet account so that I could always access the phone records whenever I wanted. He was resisting me wanting a hard copy of the old phone bills (the missing ones). I told him that if what he told me about there amount of contact was indeed true, I would think he would welcome me seeing it in print as reassurance of his word. Well, his slight reluctance to me doing that set off bells and I pushed on. I could not access them online anymore because of our new company merging with ATT, so I talked to ATT and found that I could have a hard copy mailed to me, which is what i went ahead and did. When I was asking the person who was helping me if she had record of the address still to send it to, she said" is it still the P.O. box.....?" Well, we don't have a PO box (actually, I guess we did) so I immediately knew there was more that he had not disclosed. I knew if he had gone to the trouble to hid phone bills for 18 months that this was more than just a "fondling" affair that had just really started. I confronted him and of course, he was stunned,,,,again. This is SOOOOO much worse than the original finding out!!!! They purposely set up a "story" to minimize what had happened. I feel like I have been dealt 2 affairs within three weeks. My response now is lividness, more rage....I don'e even want to look at him. He is not being defensive and has told our kids (ages 15 and 19). They are both such amazing people. I am feeling my horrible pain, and am now having to see them go through their horrible pain. I don't know what is worse. I know the MB plan says I need to be offering to meet HIS needs......I have NOTHING in me right now but rage. Where do I go from here? We are looking for a good MC....unfortunately it is the weekend and the beginning of Sping Break in our part of the country, so I do not know how long it will take. Have any of you used the Phone counseling service here at MB?
I can't sleep at night. I get a few hours then I wake up and see all the images of them "screwing" each other. HOw can I ever get over that? I know it will only happen with a miracle from God, but how do I cope? I am dead inside and a wreak.
We were really making some strides and communicating like we never have before, now I feel like it was all building on their lie they concocted. My husband says he wants US to work out and that he doesn't want her. He says that in the last couple of weeks he has felt about me like he hasnt since we dated. I was feeling such hope and now I am back in the depths of despair. Our pastor friend, who is so wise, and knows everthing we are going through, is encouraging me to not let bitterness take root in my heart. He says be angry, mad, hurt of course, but be so careful to not let the bitterness grow. I felt I was doing pretty good on that the last couple of weeks, but now with this knowledge that he made up a story, I feel such betrayal again. He didn;t have to make a story up. When I first discovered his affair, I assumed that they had had intercourse. But then he soft-soaped this story and I let myself feel a little better about the level of their relationship and the time it had gone on. To me it changes things drastically that fact that they have totally crossed the physical lines to intercourse and have been carrying on for 18 months. That is a much more involved thing. He of course thinks because I already knew he had had an affair and we were starting to rebuild that we should continue on from where we were building. I am sorry this is so long, but again, I am up at 5:00am (usually 4:00) and I just need to vent. I really don;t know where to go from here. I don't care who knows anymore. I want our parents to know, at the least. We have no divorces in our immediate family. He has two sibs, I have three. We has very close, loving families that know each other well and have grown up together. We are two of the major families in our church. He and I are really an integral part of our church. He has been on our church council during his affair and we have been a vital role in the college ministry of our church. I feel he needs to approach the leadership and come clean about everything if he really wants to get better. In the spiritual side of things, I think living a life of sexual immorality for 18 months will require a lot of work to rid himself of the baggage created with such a lifestyle choice. I know God can and does forgive, but we still face consequences here on this earth. God help us both. Thanks, anybody who is reading this long rambling session. My heart is a little calmer now and the sun is starting to come up. The family will be waking soon and I need to get myself together. Bye for now.

He says that in the last couple of weeks he has felt about me like he hasnt since we dated.

Um, why? What has changed other than now you know about the A and its full extent? I fear that's another lie. Does the OW's husband know? I read that she wants to keep her family intact (then don't have an A! But I digress...) Did your H tell you this? I guess you haven't spoken to her? Again, I fear this is a lie - to corroborate his story that the A is over and he wants to be with you. It makes it more believable to say the OW wants to end it too. If you have the cell phone records, you have her phone #. Call her and call her husband to inform him.

And why in the heck did he tell the kids? Did he tell them everything? Granted, this is in some way a problem for the whole family. But you should spare them pain as much as possible.

I'm praying that God heals your pain, your H, your family and your M.

And good detective work, by the way. He went very far to hide his lies. But you found him out. The P.O. Box concerns me. Just because it seems like such an extreme thing to do to cover his tracks. I suspect he's hiding even more. Are there other OW perhaps? I hate to bring it up but...

Hello Too,
I let OW know in no uncertain terms that she tells or I do. My husband is ready to tell anyone and everyone. We agreed on telling the kids because they aren't stupid and when I headed out of town they want to know why....the trying to keep up some kind of normalcy was getting to be to much for me. They were figuring it out and they wanted to know what was going on. So, I don't know if it was the best decision or not, but they don't know or need to know all the details, but do know that we are working on our marriage. My husband has asked forgiveness from me, of course, which I have not yet offered but he has also asked God to forgive him and he has prayed for God to change his heart and see me for the beautiful woman I am inside and out. He feels like he has had an incredible thing all along and he has just trashed it, me. That is when he said his feelings for me these last few weeks are like none he has had in a long time. He feels like God is working on his hard heart. I guess we will see about that. I had definitely seen a softening of his heart and he is willing to go to whoever he needs to to get counsel and accountability. So, while I am of course, skeptical, I do see those as positves. I was asking today about the places they met and he was telling me then said,"Do you want to go there?" And I said yes....I am a person that has to visualize the whole thing in my head to get it then I start processing from there. It was HUGELY cathartic for me to see their meeting places. Both were hidden side streets, the place where they had sex was an old abandoned warehouse thing,,,half burned down, trash everywhere, graffitti, old crap strewn all over.....we drove up and I literally laughed!!! I said, "You have GOT to be kidding!" They would climb into the back of her Suburban and screw. It was the perfecrt metaphor for their dirty,filthy,scummy, trashy, vile, sleazy relationship. I was picturing some woodsy, pleasant spot and this was the most gross thing imaginable. It was a gift from God to me to see the disgusting place. I shared all of my feelings with him about it and actually found humor in the irony of this spot. He said, You know, I never really looked around here that much." Of course not, he was busy, but it just goes to show you how deceptive sin is and how people are blind when they are living that lifestyle. I am glad I went. He is completely open to doing whatever it is I need to get through. Right now I don't know what I need. But it sure helps to have this place to write out some of my heart stuff. Thanks.

IHSB,
Just wanted to send you a short note of encoragement. Based on last post, I see a lot of positives. The struggle isn't over but I see a desire, and actions, on your H's part to rebuild the marriage.

Keep up the good fight.
Vaya con dios,
GVS

We agreed on telling the kids...

Oh, OK. Didn't mean to judge and jump on you.

HOw can I ever get over that? I know it will only happen with a miracle from God, but how do I cope? I am dead inside and a wreak.

I think you're right - only a miracle can help. But they happen every day! I'll pray. As much as you can, avoid dwelling on it in your thoughts. That'll only drive you mad.

It was HUGELY cathartic for me to see their meeting places. Both were hidden side streets, the place where they had sex was an old abandoned warehouse thing,,,half burned down, trash everywhere, graffitti, old crap strewn all over.....we drove up and I literally laughed!!!

Wowo! Yo're stronger than me. That would make me sick.

Again, thanks for the imput. It makes me feel like I am not totally alone and questioning my mentality!!
I am having an extrememly hard time these last couple of days. I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown.....I am trembling all the time and last night I woke up thinking about everything again (my normal nighttime routine,,,wake up at 4:30.. think about affair)My H heard me wrestling around and reached over to comfort me. I was shaking so bad am my arms were going numb! This just seems too much to me. I called my Doc today and they are going to see me this afternoon. Have any of you felt like this? It is like I cannot be comforted enough, held tight enough or cry hard enough...then I get so worked up I start almost hyperventilating. I am just so exhaaaaaauusssstttteedd!! I want to run away. I see my H doing everything he can possibley do in this time, but all I want to say (and I do say it) is WHYYYYY???? WHY did you do this?? Okay this is my rant and vent for the day!! Kinda hope no one reads it! Don't know what to expect at the Dr's office, I hate to take sleeping pills, but I can't keep going on so little sleep. God bless all of you out there that are a comfort and have been there and have good advice. I hope someday I will be past this, can't even imagine ever feeling hapiness again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />