Thanks for the reply afterall.

I have been trying to contact the OM's wife but the phone is out of service. I do know where they live and should probably see if she has actually moved out as I have been told. I am having a hard time doing this and I know it drives all of the veterans nuts!

My WW told me after d-day that OM's wife told him he could do whatever he wanted and then when I threatened to tell his wife I was told she didn't live there anymore. I know I should not have alerted my WW that I was going to tell but as you all know it is really hard to keep your head straight when you are dealing with this ****.

Believe me I would like to tell all of our mutual friends and our families what is going on to help end this but as I stated earlier my brother went through the same thing a year ago and the bitterness my family feels for his now ex-wife is not going to go away any time soon, if ever.

I know exposure would probably help because when it was suggested last summer that something was going on between my WW and the other man everybody who knows them both thought it was absurd because everyone has such a low opinion of the OM. I just struggle with what it would do in the long run to myWW's relationships with these people and our families if they founfd out. I know I shouldn't care that much after the way I've been treated but it still feels like vengeance to me.

Here's another one I heard the other day:
"I'm doing to you what I should have done a long time ago."

When I ask why she says these things to me she tells me it's my fault because I am baiting her and causing her to say these things.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Beautiful Loser:


I have been trying to contact the OM's wife but the phone is out of service. I do know where they live and should probably see if she has actually moved out as I have been told. I am having a hard time doing this and I know it drives all of the veterans nuts!

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Yes, it does drive the vets nuts, b/c they KNOW it's the best thing to do. I got the same advice, and I didn't follow it either. In my case, OW'H knew already, knew about her serial cheating, was beaten down, had no influence over her, was pathetic, really. I knew this b/c I read e-mails between my H & OW. However, looking back, perhaps I should have done it. I'll never know. Look, if there is ANYTHING that will end the A sooner, do it.


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"I know exposure would probably help because when it was suggested last summer that something was going on between my WW and the other man everybody who knows them both thought it was absurd because everyone has such a low opinion of the OM. I just struggle with what it would do in the long run to myWW's relationships with these people and our families if they founfd out. I know I shouldn't care that much after the way I've been treated but it still feels like vengeance to me."
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I have to tell you that I split with what many folks here - including Harley - say about exposure. I say, expose to the OP's S. But, unless your WW absolutely refuses to end the A, and you really think that her friends/family have influence over her, then what's the point? In my case, my H broke it off right away. Yes, he relapsed. Twice. But, he was trying. He wasn't refusing to end the A. Telling our friends/family was going to result in him being looked at as a cheater for the rest of our lives. Every wedding, baptism, family event was going to have whispering in the background about my H. Anyway, that was my feeling about it. So, I did not expose to them. And, that I have no regrets about.

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Here's another one I heard the other day:
"I'm doing to you what I should have done a long time ago."

When I ask why she says these things to me she tells me it's my fault because I am baiting her and causing her to say these things. [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">_________________________________________________

Start thinking of some responses to these Fog Statements. Even something like, "Is that the nastiest thing you could think of to say to me? Or can you do better?", is, IMO, a reply that forces them to reflect on the uglines they are spewing.

How does one deal with an unrepentant wayward spouse? My WW seems to think it is O.K to keep seeing the OM and I am just supposed to accept it. She is upset that I am not treating her with respect. She blames me for the affair. It seems that she was unhappy for years and didn't know why and found out when we started marriage counseling that it was all my fault. I ignored her and wrote off her concerns as ridiculous. When I ask for examples she always seems to bring up the same 2 or 3 instances and can't pinpoint any others claiming that these show a pattern of my behavior. Apparently the only part she played in our marriage falling apart was allowing me to get away with this behavior for so long. Everything I did for her over the years was to garner sympathy for myself from friends and family members

Bl as a FWW I'm going to give you a gentle little 4x2 across the forehead.
what you are doing is CONFLICT AVOIDANCE and a WW just would love it. She gets to Do ANYTHING because you just have shown her over & over that she can do anything and there are no consequences.
So why should she respect you. Would you respect her if the boot was on the other foot??
You are heading for DIVORCE.

Please BL , in this situation get off your butt drive around to OM's house while he is out working & see if his W has left..ask neighbours of his on both sides. $10 to a penny she is around somewhere still in the picture.

You are avoiding the hard things here and using the excuse oh its vengeful.. etc. that is rubbish. I do understand why you dont want to bother your parents with this ..but what about her mum, his family, her friends, his friends, both their work associates, etc.

You are living in a fools paradise right now and if wishes were pennies you'd be a billionaire.

I know I am being hard but you have been saying the same things over and over and over and doing virtually nothing.
YOU NEED TO EXPOSE.

YOU NEED EXPERT ADVICE - ring & make appointment for phone advice from Harley

DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE WHAT YOU ARE DOING - all that does is allow her & OM to get their stories right to make you look crazy.

Start getting tough with your boundaries and if you are happy you have done a good plan A and its still not working then sadly I see no other options but plan B ... have her move out until she can commit to NC & MC or you & your son move...again no warning to her.

You should be keeping a log of all the times you have been keeing the house & your son dressed & fed while she has done little...you should go back and fill in the log from the time the affair started or you think it started.

Please BL I am saying these things because I caused a lot of pain to my H & family and I know what effects this can have on a BS. I choose to try and fix it and I think she may as well when reality suddenly hits her...but if you keep conflict avoiding its over red rover.

well all the best I cant say more than I have but please act.

BL,

I am with AW. She is dead on. If you want the marriage to end you can do it two ways. The first is the way you are doing it, and your marriage will be dead very very soon as you allow this to drain all the love you have for her. Second, you can just file for divorce now.

The result will be the same. Take that to the bank, because it is true.

NOW, if you are interested in saving your marriage (BIG 2x4 coming), get off of dead center, and expose this affair to OM's W, and to all of your friends. Let's face a few facts if YOU were so bad she could have and would have left already. But, she has not because she has her cake and is eating it as well. Time for you to get with the program or get out of the marriage, because you will be very soon anyway.

Expose this affair, go back to the counselor you had and really talk to him/her. Expose to her family, your family and friends, but first and foremost to OM's W. She needs to know so that she can protect herself.

If you don't start acting you will have NOTHING left to recover the marriage EVEN IF she does stop the affair.

Listen to AW. She knows her stuff about MB.

God Bless,

JL

Hello,

Well let's look at this logically. What you have tried hasn't worked has it? You can continue with what you are doing, but I would be amazed if you got different results.

Exposing to the OMW is not vengeful. It is justified. The woman should be told what is happening in her life.

I think that Harley advises exposure in concentric circles, first the OP W/H, then to your spouses family . . . you continue in larger and larger rings.

I can see why you don't want to tell your friends, and I somewhat agree. I can see that future events that you two attend together with these informed folk could be very awkward. To be a cuckold is one thing, to have everyone know that your are is something different.

First things first, find this woman's address. You may be able to do it from the internet for free. You certainly can call a PI and have them give you the address, it will cost you, but it is a lot cheaper than a divorce. You need to concentrate your time and effort on disrupting this affair and exposure is probably the most effective tool you possess.

Warning, this will really irk you wife. She will probably go ballistic and say all kinds of cruel stuff, let her know that you can see she is upset and you would be willing to talk about when she calms down.