</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When I read all these things, I still keep wonder, do I call the OM and talk to him? Afterall I do know that it will scare him and her and I do know that he has NOT told his girlfriend of the A.
The Surviving an Affair book is ordered and should be here tomorrow.
In the mean time I will try the card and flower in hoped to keep her here longer. When do I call the OM about this? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, prismx, imho, you call or meet with the OM IMMEDIATELY.

You need to understand that some things are going to be said that MAY hurt and cause you more pain, but they NEED to be said and you will hopefully understand that they are being said not to hurt you but to help you get through this mess.

First thing is that your marriage is already over. That happened the minute your wife chose an affair as the way to "deal with" whatever she perceived as a problem with your marriage or with herself.

Second thing is that the OM needs to KNOW in no uncertain terms that your wife is married, that you know about their affair, that you are in the process of informing everyone affected by their affair about what they have been doing in an effort to end the affair BECAUSE you love your wife despite the enormous pain and anguish that she and the OM are inflicting upon you, he needs to know that you WANT your wife back to work on your marriage BECAUSE you love her and committed to her "until death do you part."

prismx, this is what is called "exposing" and "destablizing" the affair. It can no longer continue in secret or as if "no one will get hurt." Affairs HURT, period. They hurt everyone involved and affected by the affair.

I would NOT expose it to your parents or her parents YET. Should your wife choose to end the affair and attempt recovery, you want to limit the number of people who know about the affair to as small a circle as possible to minimize the additional "hurdles" that must be dealt with. But there may, if your wife remains unwilling to end the affair, a time when the "exposure circle" widens. Let's face it, if she remains adamant, and if your marriage heads toward divorce, all of your families and friends would find out about her selfish choice for adultery. But so long as this is early, let's be cautious and limit the exposure to those most directly affected.

So, see or talk to the OM immediately. No more procrastination. Ask him about his girl friend and HIS intentions with her and with your wife. Be calm, do NOT loose your temper. Pump him for information and be on your guard that if he is as much lost in the emoitions of the affair as your wife seems to be, that he is not likely to "take your side." If you hear anything like, "well, it's up to her" or "I'll do whatever she wants" be on your guard. That is OP speak for "we will continue to do whatever we FEEL like doing and to heck with you."

The reallly important thing is to begin the destabiliztion of the affair NOW. Your wife is already committed to moving out.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I lose it and say that I will call him myself and ask him how he feels to know that we are married and that its time to tell his girlfriend whats going on. She just about loses it. Starts yelling, screaming and threatens to kill herself if I dare call him. So I don't.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is typical WS manipulation to "guilt" you into allowing her to continue to have her "cake and eat it too." Her calls to your cell phone, etc., indicate that she is confused and that she is still getting many of her needs met by you. But she wants the needs she is getting met from the OM to continue too. Prismx, as you know, marriage is ONE wife and ONE husband. Unless you believe in and are comfortable with a so-called "open marriage" and are willing and comfortable with sharing your wife with another man, don't fall for this "WS fog-talk."

Call the OM, or see the OM, but do it NOW. Begin the exposure that is needed. Allow all your wife's ranting and raving to go "in one ear and out the other." She will say all sorts of incredibly irrational things during this time and through the subsequent Withdrawal stage. Be strong and stay focused on the goal of rescuing your wife from this mess and rebuilding a marriage that you both want.

Read. You have a knowledge deficit that needs filling. Get "Torn Asunder" in addition to "Surviving An Affair," and read them as your "textbooks."

Keep posting and KNOW that it's okay for you to feel lost, panicky, unsure, scared, etc. It's NORMAL. We've been there, we understand, and we'll try to help you through all this. Right now, while you are waiting for the books, read all the articles on this site about Plan A, Love Busters, Emotional Needs, etc. Read, read, read. The more you read and understand, the faster you will be able to control you actions and not let your emotions overwhelm you and how you react to things your wife might say.

God bless.

Small update:

Just dropped off a rose and a funny card into her car at work. She hasn't gotten off work yet so it should surprise her. I went by what shattered dreams said to write and maybe this will get a positive responds. Picked up dinner to be made also. Just some small stuff I can prepare in case this goes well.
She has avoided calling me most of the day but then around 3pm called...talked for a few...had to go...and called back 20mins later just to see whats up.
Its just so confusing to me how she handles this. I mean she really does go on as if everything is the same old same old.

Listen to her every word tonight, and differentiate between the W you used to have, and the WW you have now. Like Jeckyl and Hyde, she'll morph between the two "personalities".

Pick the truth that may be spoke from the former W.

Discard the Fog "speak" from the WW.

Expect her emotions to fluctuate wildly, perhaps clinging to you one moment and vicious verbal attacts the next. Expect smiles, expect tears.

No Freaking LOVEBUSTERS! Measure EVERY word that leaves your lips with extreme care. You have a chance to make some real impact on her tonight.

Don't LOSE YOUR TEMPER. If you must, walk away, excuse yourself and collect your emotions.

Just say, " I'm sorry, this conversation is too hurtful for me to be a part of right now... I need some time... OK? Or, "I am becoming too angry to continue this conversations without losing my temper, and I cannot say something to you out of anger that I may regret. Please excuse me for a few moments".

Show her how IN CONTROL you are, and can be.

Fill her love bank. Give her a look at who and what she's considering leaving. Make her doubt her fantasy world! Tall order? Perhaps. Think Nike... Just do it!

Best wishes,
SD

<small>[ March 15, 2005, 04:58 PM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

Well, its 6 pm now.
Not a word from here..nothing. She got off work 1hr ago and has not come here or attempted to call. I have kept complete silence today and have not called her except early in morning to wish her a good day. This is completly unlike her! To not call after work to say hi or anything. It's the first time EVER that she has not called.
I want to call her to see whats up...but I don't think its right to. I have all the stuff for dinner here but I can't really start cooking anything until I know when/if she comes home?!!
Oh man...I know this couldn't possibly have backfired...but the unknown is absolutely horrible!!!

I got screwed. I got in touch with her and all I got in return was the most coldest voice and responds every...im at the end guys...i think im gona surrender...

prismx

Don't panic... the fat lady hasn't even began to sing.

Stay steady. Prepare yourself mentally for her arrival. Don't provoke her in any way.

No LB's

No panic

No neediness

Casual, controlled disposition. Matter of fact.

In fact, go over to a friends house, or meet him at a coffee shop, and come home a little late.

It will put her on the defensive, wondering where YOU've been.

Otherwise, just stay calm, cool, collected, and believe in yourself, and your marriage.

Best wishes,
SD

Remember... she has to reject you to justify her addiction to the OM. Compartmentalization.

The card made her THINK.

She had to go see OM to reaffirm the addicition.

It was not for naught!

Believe!

SD

Well, I'm sorry to let you guys down but I have had to take drastic measures.
I have done the thing you guys said not to do but please...I really have nothing left. I told her to leave by tomorrow night.
I know it was not right to do. But please...WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO??? I can't take her being here, being mean, being so abusive to me. This is my home and i want time now.
Please, do help me thru this more eventhough I failed so bad. But my feelings have been destroyed. I can't keep composure. I did not yell, I did not screw...nothing.

I said I want her to go because I'm tired of her trampeling on my feelings and abusing me and I don't need her around. It didn't matter cause come to find out tomorrow she was gona go anyway.
Anything left for me to do besides PLAN B? I have tonight...and thats all.

Sorry to fail ur advise...my feelings are shattered into bits and pieces.
She said "I don't know you anymore, who you are or what" because of my card. So it did something

Oh man...she just came running in to talk to me. Here we go guys. Now I will be sure to do EXACTLY as I was told because I sense she is helpless. I will update to see what happens now. Sorry if I post like this...too much stuff and ur advise gives me hope.

LOL! Hey, you are only human. We all fail at some of this some of the time. Just learn to recover immediately, and get back on the "horse".

Minimize your failures.

Cool, calm, steady.

Believe!

It's hard, man, but you can do it!

SD

Alright, this is the end of the night as she went to sleep pretty much right away after some sort of panic attack that was vanquished with a xanax.

I can't believe it stayed this calm. I don't even know why the hell I bother after this ultra coldness I experienced earlier.

The bottom line is: The card so she says made her cry, she didnt get her loan for her new apt room she was gona go to because all credit is me and she has none. So she is indeed very very much dependent upon me for everything. I own the house, the cars, the furniture...everything.

Sorry I failed as far as the "get out" part but I don't see this working anymore otherwise. It sux that PLAN A diminished as fast as it did, but she is still seeing the OM...im sure of this, especially after the card...maybe didnt see, but talk to him either way.
The next step is that I want her out by tomorrow night 6pm. Yes its harsh, but I sincerely believe its time for a wakeup call. She says she doesnt know me anymore, one day im this, the other day im this. Thats thanks to PLAN A of self improvement which apparently she is complelty noticed now. She even said I have improved 85% over what she used to hate. I take that as a good sign.
Next step for me now is to get her out tomorrow. She still seems very shaky about it. I don't think she has thought this over. I have her house key in hand without her knowing already so no more entrance here for her. Once she is out, she is out. I plan on letting her keep the car for now...yes Im stupid, but let her keep her job at least. Her cellphone will be cutoff the moment she leaves the house tomorrow night as its in my name anyway and I don't feel she should use my minutes to call "lover boy" anymore.
The complete cut-off of comunication will have to start tomorrow night as soon as she turns the corner of the street. I fear it...I fear it so much. But I realize it is the only way.
Just her reactions and actions are such that it seems like everything is going fast for her and she isn't ready to accept this all in one big hit. I think that might be an advantage here.
I have not called OM yet. I figure I'll have to handle that tomorrow as well since tonight I was too devastated over the situation on the cell and her coldness to even formulate a coherent sentence at the time. As soon as I calmed down and dealt with the situation, she came home.
She is now in the guest bedroom for the night. I hope this might do a little but seeing how she passed out instantly I don't know. Waking up alone might be a cold harsh reality kick. We will see in morning.

Any idea on the next step? Am I doing the right thing here? I can't take her around while seeing the other guy...its killing me and my mental health. I was so destroyed tonight I just broke down on the couch. To my surprise it didn't take long as friends called me and kept me busy on the phone to talk to me before she came home so that my strength was right back. I took her insults full blow and ate them without a twitch. Just took em as they came and just countered with well thought out wording and responses.
"You acted like a psyco tonight looking for me or thinking something happened"
"Because I cared and wanted to be sure you are safe"
Those kind of responses quickly took the wind out of her sail and calmed her down.

Ahhh the pain though! This is gona be one hell of a struggle, I feel it. But hey, either ill have her back to her loving self, or ill lose her...but either way I feel the changes in me and I think it will make me a better man for the future...whatever it may hold!

You guys are the greatest and your help is giving me hope, not just for this relationship, but hope overall that there will always be a tomorrow to look forward to!! Thank you!

Well, sorry it's been a rough night. She's beginning to feel some of the consequences for her actions.

You are there. You know what you can endure. My first thought is that you haven't been in Plan A very long, so Plan B might not work as well as it might. But only you can know when your LB$ is empty, and you can't go on with the pain. I used the pain to emotionally disconnect from my FWW, and it allowed me to deal with all the viscious crap that came out of her mouth.

If you gave her the get out as an ultimatum, then she should go, or your word is not something she can count on. If it were discussed as an "option" you could negotiate further in the morning.

If you choose to stay in Plan A, you can invite her to stay, and continue to show her the "new" you. Many WW's have to see the changes sustained over a period of time. If you stay in Plan A, try to convince her to visit a MC by herself, to get a professional point of view. Try to make sure she gets a pro-marriage counselor, as some of them are not, and their goal is to make you feel "good" about the divorce.

If you go to Plan B, search for some of Mortarman's posts. He knows the particulars. YOu will have to be prepared to go completely dark, however, with no contact, other than emergencies or financial matters, and often the WS uses ruses to get past those particulars. You will also have to come up with a list of things she must accomplish before she can return; ie, No Contact, joint MC, and others that may apply.

Sorry if my card suggestion turned out bad, but know I was just trying to help.

Off to bed for me. I'll look in on you tomorrow.

Best wishes,
SD

Hey!
The card idea was great!!! That was in no way a bad move. This has been giving me the piece of mind to know that I REALLY tried one last time to open up and show just how much I really care. No matter what, it really had an impact on her. She did not just ignore it as bull**** and threw it out.
Sadly I still hope for a way to keep holding on tomorrow, but I really think I will have to be hard and say "OUT". Its gona kill me and I'm now going to prepare myself for it, but what the hell am I doing trying to keep her around my home, my bed, my emotions for her to just stomp around in/on and do as she pleases. She stays out as long as she wants, doesnt call, doesnt show care...please...I have to take this step.
"If you love something, let it go, if it loves you it will return".
That keeps me hoping I can have her back. The person she is now is NOT who I want back. Its a pretty shell of the former love that cared and loved...nothing more. The inside is dark and mean and cold. She keeps showing signs that she really cares and the reality of being left with nothing hasnt fully set in, but I can tell she is dealing with it coming. She got the news to leave, yet she has refused to start packing anything. What the hell?! If she was ready to go this week anyway, how come ZERO attempt has been made to put things in order or get boxes? Not to mention her words "I won't take all my stuff, the books and things can stay here to make the house pretty, I won't need them right away".
She shows me that she really thinks she will be back one day to once again live here.
I can so see how the new me is eating her alive. Its everything she wanted and its killing her to see that "well damn, it might be a front/phase to keep me...but how much longer can he go on being like this?! MAKE IT STOP!!".
She tries to get me to blow up, tries to push my buttons, and she has had no success at all. I lost it Sunday night and that was it...she didn't get that again. She can't feed on me being mad, angry, sad, depressed. I refuse to let her have the pleasure of control. No! That phone call tonight was it. That is all I will let her have of being that cold. I didn't even get tempted to get mad either. Calm voice, reason, normal speech to answer her insults. Wow it works wonders. I just have you guys to thank for this. OtherwiseI would be boiling and just blow up and destroy it all. But the things i learned and you guys have taught me have kept me going. Dammit I won't give up!

I will post in morning about the outcome of breakfast and parting for work. She has to have this night...alone in the bed...noone to wake up to, noone to be next to, to think a little. She might be asleep and not worry, but the morning will be a little colder then usual with me there to hold her.

Definetly in some serious pain, but holding on...all is not lost yet. I have hope!

prismx - everyone here understands the wildly swinging emotions and feelings that you are going through, having gone through them ourselves. "Crazy" is an understatement, moments of lucidness floating in a sea of insanity, with your mind jumping from thought to thought, island to island, hope to despair, love to hate and doubt....

As a BS myself let me talk bluntly to YOU for a minute. This may be hard, but it IS needed and you DO need to hear it. Hopefully you will be able to understand it and choose to make it a part of your recovery efforts.

Here is the first "rule" that YOU must answer and be ready to DO whatever is needed to foster and reinforce either answer, REGARDLESS of what your feelings might be yelling"

Do you want to be married or do you want to be "right?"

Right now you are coming down on the "right" side of that equation, and that path will most likely lead you to divorce. I know, I know, it's HARD!

From one BS to another (cold, cruel, and hard)...Tough. The "hardness" of the task is NOT the issue.

Prismx, YOU, as well as your wife, committed to some wedding vows when you married. At least I assume you did. If those vows went along the lines of some tradional vows, then YOU promise that "until death did you part" that YOU would be with your wife, love her, support her, nuture her, bear with her, enjoy her...."in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, etc."

Prismz, I KNOW how wronged and hurt you are feeling. Your wife IS 100% responsible for her decision to engage in an affair as a way to respond to her perceptions of your marital "shortcomings." BUT, you too were responsible for some of the "atmosphere" in your marriage that "set the stage" for her seeking to get needs met outside of the marriage. So you may be 50% responsible for NOT living up to 100% of your promises to love and cherish her.

YOU need to work on THAT aspect first. She has already told you, by virtue of the affair, that the "old you" is not meeting her needs and will NOT be a reason to return for "more of the same."

So, having said that, let's turn to the latest fiasco (in my humble opinion) that is brewing per you postings.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sadly I still hope for a way to keep holding on tomorrow, but I really think I will have to be hard and say "OUT". Its gona kill me and I'm now going to prepare myself for it, but what the hell am I doing trying to keep her around my home, my bed, my emotions for her to just stomp around in/on and do as she pleases. She stays out as long as she wants, doesnt call, doesnt show care...please...I have to take this step. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh sure, running from the pain and the hard work SEEMS the easier path. But you've already stated that the OM doesn't even know that she is married. That knowledge alone could well end the affair. Prismx, you are reacting almost totally on emotion and you need to stop. You DO NOT take major steps or make major decisions in the "heat of the moment." You are allowing your emotions to control your actions, your TAKER (you'll read about that here) to "protect you." Your TAKER could care less about anyone but you and will try to get you to "protect yourself" from anything that causes you pain.

Prismx, marriage is a surrendering of "self", a surrendering of "self first," and a willing acceptance of a posture of servant-hood where each spouse tries their best to serve the needs of each other FIRST. "Love always means having to say you are sorry" goes both ways. Whenever one of you does or says something that requires an apology, then apologize and ask forgiveness for that wrong.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"If you love something, let it go, if it loves you it will return". That keeps me hoping I can have her back.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Poppycock. You are NOT dating. You are married. You FIGHT for your wife because that is your obligation and your covenantal vow before God, your spouse, your families, and the witnesses to your wedding. There IS a time and a place for "Plan B" as a last ditch effort to end an affair, but you haven't even tried "step one" yet and you are ready to kick her out, cut her off, and be vindictive because YOU are hurting.

Tough. The hurt, and accepting to endure it and work through it, is PART of not surrendering your marriage. It is part of fighting for your marriage. It is part of saying, "despite it all, I want to be married to the woman I love and the future WILL be better as we learn the lessons from this bad mistake."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The person she is now is NOT who I want back. Its a pretty shell of the former love that cared and loved...nothing more. The inside is dark and mean and cold. She keeps showing signs that she really cares and the reality of being left with nothing hasnt fully set in, but I can tell she is dealing with it coming.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Prismx, this is called "Fog." She is going to be flipping back and forth until AFTER the affair has ended and AFTER she has gone through the Withdrawal period. She IS confused because she has been some of her needs met by you and some by the OM. Both of you are YOUNG and little "life experience, so it's understandable that you are both allowing your emotions to control your actions. Neither of you has a "Faith" that can provide some guidance or support. So you are both operating on "world standards," and world standards are usually "me first."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She got the news to leave, yet she has refused to start packing anything. What the hell?! If she was ready to go this week anyway, how come ZERO attempt has been made to put things in order or get boxes? Not to mention her words "I won't take all my stuff, the books and things can stay here to make the house pretty, I won't need them right away".
She shows me that she really thinks she will be back one day to once again live here.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Prismx, of course she is vacilating. She love you, but in her mind she is probably saying, "I love you, but I'm not 'in-love' with you." She may even have said that to you. Mine said it to me and most BS's have heard those words straight out of the "Wayward Spouse Handbook."

The bottom line is that she is nowhere near ready to end your marriage. She is confused and afraid. How YOU react, will melt or solidify her mental "justifications" that you were the "wrong choice" when she married you. I know, that doesn't sound fair because SHE is the one having the affair. Do you want to be married, or do you want to be right?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can so see how the new me is eating her alive. Its everything she wanted and its killing her to see that "well damn, it might be a front/phase to keep me...but how much longer can he go on being like this?! MAKE IT STOP!!".
She tries to get me to blow up, tries to push my buttons, and she has had no success at all.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course she is pushing buttons and testing. She needs to know if your changes are REAL and PERMANENT, or if they are just a "game" that you are playing to keep her as your "toy" and not as a co-equal partner in your marriage. You ARE being tested. Recovery is NOT a "one-way street." Both of you will need to be making permanent changes in your Standards and your Boundaries. There is SO much for the two you to learn, but you must deal with this one crisis first. Trust us, if you will, that we will lead you down "good paths" and not "bad paths," if for no other reason than we are on Marriage Builders, not destroyers or "shazzam! - instant perfect marriage." Building a good, solid, loving marriage will take time.

The average recovery time is 2 years. Are YOU willing to commit to recovery, despite all the ups and downs along the way, to the LONG haul? Or are you simply looking for band-aid and a "quick fix?"

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I lost it Sunday night and that was it...she didn't get that again. She can't feed on me being mad, angry, sad, depressed. I refuse to let her have the pleasure of control. No! That phone call tonight was it. That is all I will let her have of being that cold. I didn't even get tempted to get mad either. Calm voice, reason, normal speech to answer her insults. Wow it works wonders. I just have you guys to thank for this. OtherwiseI would be boiling and just blow up and destroy it all. But the things i learned and you guys have taught me have kept me going.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's good. You are learing....and it's been all of what???.....a whole few days?!?!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dammit I won't give up! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">THAT's the spirit!

Prismx, let your wife know that NO marriage can have 3 people in it and BE a marriage. Tell her that you love her but if she is going to stay in your home that the two of you are going to have to do some hard work, things that are hard for both of you to do, but they need to be done.

Tell her you are NOT giving up with a fight because you DO love her. Tell her that you ARE going to talk to her OM so that he will know that you love her and want him out of her life and your marriage so that the two of you can recover your marriage.

Be ready for anger and tirades, but calmly stay the course. The WS handbook is replete with the sorts of responses you are likely to encounter when the thought of her affair being exposed hits her. Keep a firm, but steady grip on the helm. Chart the course and sail through the rough weather as something that must be endured before you reach the calm seas on the other side.

God bless, and keep posting!

prismx

I think you should muster up and stay in Plan A. Draw from the positives that you see in your WW though the fog. Ultimatums should Never be issued unless you are going to follow though with them, so be cautious in the future, ok?

Stay the course. Devote your spare time and energy into housework or exercise. Burn off anger and frustration through physical tasks.

You are reaching a state of mind that it's easier to deal with a fogged WS. That detachment I spoke of earlier. When you "get it", you can disarm her anger and foggy statements easily. This really keeps them off balance.

I'm with FH, call the OM and make it not so much a "confrontation", but an exchange of information. Don't threaten him....nothing to gain. Inform him. Of your love for your wife, your desire to fix your broken marriage, of your committment to do so. If he has a GF, tell her too, if you possibly can.

All this is really hard, but the rewards of seeing the life return to your FWW's eyes will be worth it.

Patience and time coupled with love and care will get you through all this.

Best wishes,
SD

Oh man. This morning was a nightmare.
She threw so many things at me. She started putting stuff in order, but did mention how she has nothing to sleep on and take with her for comfort and that I should let her have the other bed in the other room. I don't think I should. I said "I care about you, I want to be sure you are ok. I don't want to take that big bed apart but I want you to at least take the matrice until u find something else".
She then started making demands on how all the stuff is actually her's. She then threw the biggest mudball..."If you talk to him, I'll have a divorce on the table so fast it will make your headspin. I already know a lawyer".
So I milked the pain for second and asked "So you have been to a lawyer already?" She said "No, I just had one refered to me in case something like this would happen".

I HATE WAKING UP!!! Everything goes from peacefull and nice to total destruction.

I did try to turn the moving out around a little with "did you read my card? did you think you would want to give it a little more time?" But that just got a blant NO as a responds. She proceeded to throw other things at me like "I have been unhappy for too long. We tried for 4 years and I'm tired of it. I don't want to be unhappy for the next 20...25 years. Marriage shouldnt be something you work on, it should just work on its own."

Next before she ran out she came running back in and demands "I don't want you talking to my friends. ANY of my friends. This includes HIM".
I just asked in calm words "Has he told his girlfriend yet?" She said "no".
She demanded I would give my word to it. I didn't, instead of jumped around the question and answer with other statments or questions to get away from giving any word. I didn't give my word!!! So the option is open and she is scared as hell of it. She said she will get divorce papers ASAP if I dare talk to him. She also says she sees no point in her upholding any financial obligations in the house if she does not live here anymore. She then stormed out to work. I still said "Hope you have a nice day regardless", in my most sincere voice as to not sound sarcastic.

Why does it hurt so much?! Why? Why? Why? Why even get up anymore? I understand she isn't herself and she will be mean, but wow, its kiling me to see her like this and to take it with my chin up. It really really hurts hard. Like a sharp knife digging into ur heart, twisting and turning it...pushing deeper. Is this pain worth this? Do I have to take this?

I'm a little worried about the lawyer comment she made. It's going to keep me up for a while now.

Any idea what to do next? I have documented everything to you guys. Where do I go from here? Sorry to be led on like a little kid, but I'm in such a turmoil I don't even know what to do next. Obviously I do not call her today but wait to see if she calls. Which is sooo hard to know I have to sit and wait.

All that hatred is FOGSPEAK. Pretty nasty stuff, eh? It's amazing what can become of a person who needs to justify their actios.

Call her bluff. Call the OM today, and tell him what's going on. Also pick a couple of her very closest friends, and expose the A to them as well. Do whatever you can to find the OM's girlfriend and expose to her too.

Look at it this way. In her current state of mind, you've already "lost" her. What do you have to lose by further exposure? Nothing, really.

Remember to expose from a position of love, committment and a desire to save your marriage, NOT out of vengence.

Also remember, this is to be treated JUST like an addiction. Someone on crack would commit an armed robbery of a convenience store, whereas, the same individual, NOT under the influence of any drug (or affair) would be a model citizen.

You have her in a turmoil now and really off balance. I think the timing is good for the rest of the exposures. It will take as much strength and courage as you have! Your thoughts?

SD

Hi there Shattered Dreams!
Well, I have been formulating on what to say to the OM all morning long. Let me put it down and see what you guys think:

*call*
Hello My name is *** I think you know who I am.
I'm just calling to clear up a few things that have happened over the last few months. First of all I would like to be sure that you know it is not a girlfriend you are having an affair with, but my wife. We have been married for 4 years now, despite what she may have said to you. If you do not believe me you are free to go to the courthouse and see for yourself.
I would like for you to understand that I love my wife and it does hurt to see her having an affair with another man. But this does not in anyway stop me from being there for her and trying to fix what has been broken.
I feel that it is also not right of you to play your girlfriend for as long as you have. It is my understand, from what my wife said, that you and your girl have had a long term relationship already and do indeed live together. Do you feel it is ok to carry on as is with my wife and not let your girl know of what is going on? Don't you think she has a right to know this, and what you have done?
I'm not calling out of anger towards you, im calling to let you know that eventhough this affair is going on, I do still love my wife and I refuse to just surrender her.
I hope you will take into consideration what you are doing to me, your girlfriend, our families and friends and you take a good long look at it.
Thats all I have to say. Take care.
*hangup*

It makes me all jittery to think to do it. But I believe in myself and my guts say its what has to be said.
I'm still destroyed as what to do about the ultimatum is so stupidly set. I can try to call and say "hey, take another look at the card. Think about what it says, what it means. Believe that every word written is meant to be. Let me know if you are interested in any reconciliation of the matter as far as seeing how things could be"

I just dont know if thats the right thing to say...

What about the threats of immediate divorce? The Lawyer threat? The "I own stuff here too and I want it all NOW!"

What do I do about that? Is it just empty words or is it going to be action right back at me if I dare to call?
Also, I want to cut her cellphone off, since its mine anyway. Should I do that now?

Well, if she's moving out to facilitate her affair, then Divorce is where you are heading, anyway, isn't it? So what's the big deal about doing it quicker? This is a standard WS threat, that you will see repeated over and over on this site. Some of the WS's who make it actually follow through...but not very many. She is reacting this way because she understands how threatening your contact with him will be to her affiar, and she is an addicted to him right now. What happens when you take away an addicts fix? They are angry. After withdrawal is over, they thank you.

I liked many parts of your little speach to the OM, in particular that it is a speach. Normally, discussions with the OP are preetty painful for the BS, and you don't need any more pain in your life right now. The one thing I would change is that I wouldn't mention his girlfriend at all. I would call her FIRST and let her know. If he starts thinking that you might tell her, he will probably give her a line about some crazy jealous husband who thinks you are having an affiar with his wife, and you will be discredited before you call. Tell her first, and then call him.

<small>[ March 16, 2005, 10:03 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>