Okay, very good. You had a good day in Plan A. Let's see if you can string some together here.

Do you play golf? Well, if you do, then you know one swing does not make a round of golf. There are 18 holes. There are many swings at each of those holes (some have MANY more than others <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ). So, if you hit one good shot off the tee that rolls within two inches of the cup, you cant raise your arms and claim victory. That is just one shot. And, if you slice one off into the woods, and now you are looking at double-bogie, it isnt time to break your clubs and quit. That is just one shot.

Consistency, my man. Consistency in your approach to life, to your marriage. Words mean nothing in this "game." Actions...consistent actions. That's why, a thousand phone calls to her wanting to talk wont equal ONE time where you just sit and listen to her. That's why $2000 in flowers wont equal ONE thing that you have improved that your wife didnt like (although, I am not saying you shouldnt do the flowers!).

Consistent actions...consistent improvement. This marriage is sick...it is on life support. Do not expect it to jump up and be "all better" by tomorrow. Just cause there might be improvement today, there may be a relapse tomorrow. Just because there is a downturn tomorrow, doesnt mean that the marriage is "dead." The marriage is dead when the marriage is dead. Until there is a flatline. Even marriages that have been divorced sometimes havent really died. That is why many marriages end up being redone months after a divorce. So, until the Lord tells you that this marriage is over...then the battle still rages. Okay?

It was said above that this is a thinking man's game...and that is correct. Wanna hear a story? True story? Recent story (within the last two weeks)?

My wife and I have been doing pretty good. Things on the whole have been improving. There are still times where I pull back, and she pulls back. But for the most part, the "weapons" have been laid down and we are making baby steps forward. But last week, everything exploded. Suffice it to say, it was not good. Lots of LBing on both parts (see, NONE of us here are perfect! Except maybe Just Learning! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> ) My wife is saying she wants me to move out, that this will never work. And in my heart, I felt that was true. I just didnt want to go back down that road.

You wanna know what happened that day? Mortarman and Mrs. Mortarman hit one in the trees. That is ALL it was. Is my marriage over with? Nope. Are we still talking? Yep. As a matter of fact, after a few days of tenous silence, we are talking again, being affectionate and hanging out together. Last night was great.

My wife said two nights ago that she cant believe that night happened last week. I couldnt either. We were doing so well...where did all of that come from? But she also said to me that she couldnt understand why I let it happen. Did you hear that? She said that I was responsible for things heading south fast.

Wait a minute? Wasnt it her that turned on the light and started the argument? Wasnt it her saying she didnt know if she could do this? Wasnt it her saying hateful things, excalating the argument? Sure...but her and I both know that I am responsible. Doesnt sound fair does it Prismx? But let me let you in on a little clue.

I am responsible for what happened last week for two reasons. Number one, because God says so. I am the spiritual leader of my home, not my wife. God holds ME accountable for my marriage, and for my kids. Sure, He holds my wife accountable for her INDIVIDUAL behavior. But the corporate behavior and success/failures are all laid in my lap. I am responsible. In the military, they put officers in charge. Now, let's say something happens under their command, where a subordinate does something wrong. Does that soldier go to jail? Sure. But, what happens to the commander. Well, he also gets in trouble. Why? Because he is responsible for EVERYTHING that happens or does not happen in his unit. Husbands are held responsible by God for their marriages and the upbringing of their children. Not fair is it?

My wife used to say to me that she had the easy part. You see, the feminists want to moan about "submission" in the Bible. They say it is servitude. It's not...they have no idea what the Bible is talking about. But my wife said one day that her job is easy...all she has to do is submit to my spiritual leadership and to respect me. The Bible doesnt even call her to love me, did you know that? Just respect and submit.

But, she said, while she has to submit to me...I have to DIE for her. Wow, we got the raw end of the stick, didnt we? The Bible says we must die for our wives. Where does it say that? Well, it does say that we must love our wives (see? we are commanded to love) like Christ loves us. What kind of love is that? Ever seen the Passion of Christ? THAT kind of love!! Sacrificial love. Putting your wife before yourself. Loving her and doing what is best for her even when she is yelling to "crucify" you. I dont know how many times I asked God to forgive my wife, using the same language Jesus did on the Cross ("please forgive her, because she does not know what she is doing").

Are you willing to die for your wife, Prismx? Any fool can make the promise of love when things are going well. Commitments and covenants are made because we know that it wont always be easy. That we will need to hang onto those commitments when everything and everyone else tells us to run.

The second reason that I am responsible for last week is that I know better. I am not the one that was fogged over. I am the one that has read and understands all of these principles. And instead of living by them, I screwed up and went down into her world. That is where the statement she said about me allowing us to get into it came from. You see, by now...even she knows that I am the one that needs to keep things above board. That I have to do my best to make sure I dont LB, even when she is throwing LBs at me like crazy. That I should have shut the conversation down, and turned back to it later, when cooler heads prevail.

Your wife is not "sane" right now. Much of what she says and does will not make sense...even to her. But you know that by now, dont you. SSSsssoooooo.....dont be drug into her madness. I know, easy to say huh? but look, all of us falter...I did last week.

Last thing here. When (notice I didnt say "if") you falter, dont sweat it. Only one man walked this Earth that was perfect. Perfection is not what anyone is asking for here. What is being asked of you is consistency. Consistency even when you screw up. Does that make sense? Consistency when you screw up means that when you do, you know how to immediately get back up on top of things and put it together. That you dont let your wife drag you down again over it when she says "see, you cant do it." You dont answer her...you just get up, dust yourself off...and take another step forward.

The good people here are giving you excellent advice. But all the advice in the world is not going to help you unless you first get these basic concepts. You, sir...are in control of this mess, not your wife. God would not make you responsible over something you have no control over. But, with that control, you must know how to exercise that control. There are right and wrong ways of doing things.

So, all I can say is...step back and view your marriage and this situation from above. Dont get caught up in the everyday fray. That is exactly what I did when everything blew up last week. When my wife said it was over, and that she couldnt do this...and that she wanted me out...did I grab my stuff and start driving, with my attorney on my cell phone? Nope. What did I do? I got back up and kept walking. And that consistent action over the follwoing 4 days allowed the tension to come down...and led to my wife laying her head on my chest last night as we were in bed watching TV.

Consistency. Commitment. Love. Sacrifice.

All of the advice in the world and MB principles will not work until you get those four concepts. And APPLY THEM!!

In His arms.

Talked to her again. She says she can't get a loan without me signing the car over. I said I won't sign it over until every is take care of and done. She said she will get papers for the divorce ready if thats what it will take. So much for that, eh?!

So you said "Sorry, honey, but I can't go along with something that is detrimental to the financial stability of our family"? right?

Let's just stay together for a little longer and let me show you the changes I've made. I won't insist you talk about your feelings for me or anyone exept for a couple of times a week, and just for an hour each time. You can stay at the house, and we'll evaluate our chances to keep our marriage intact? Ok?

Plan A, Plan A, Plan A.

If she says something you can't "handle", tell her you will have to think about it, and you'll get back to her on it. All of your words must be filtered through the LB eliminator!

Consistency. Commitment. Love. Sacrifice.

SD

<small>[ March 22, 2005, 02:39 PM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

"and we'll evaluate our chances to keep our marriage intact? Ok?"

I been trying to get her to come over tonight so we can discuss the finances. She hasn't returned my phone call back about it, but i seriously need to discuss those with her because its not looking too peachy right now and we need to make a compromise here without further wait!!!
If she agrees, I will ask her about what you said, but she is so hostile towards me, i think she hates me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Update:
Tried to talk to her a little. Gave her stuff, stuck to finances and did go into some R talk. Sorry I had to.
She isn't interested in moving back, just wants me to co-sign on a loan for her. That's about it.
Basically says she wants to be on her own. She doesn't like the new place, but it will do as she put it. She said she still loved me...but what little does that mean now anyway.

I did bring up Divorce talk because she said something on the phone about it, but she said that she hasn't "really" thought about all that yet. So hey, she might be a liar, but maybe thats a good sign.
She pointed out how clean everything looked...

<small>[ March 22, 2005, 05:49 PM: Message edited by: prismx ]</small>

She pointed out how clean everything looked...

It's really all about the "little" things.

Stop it, already, with the R talks.

Just live life and let her come and go as she pleases. Give her the impression A) that you love her (without telling her so) B) that you are going to be just fine if she moves on. C) That you are making permanent changes that will make you the spouse she's "always wanted", and D) No LB's.

Got it?

SD

^^^^bump^^^^

Prismx.... how are things going?

SD

Sorry that I haven't updated.
Let me give you guys the big nasty picture once again and see what you think.

First of, a week after all this had happened, I filled for a quick divorce right away. Why? Because she was out to just get stuff from me. This wouldn't be that bad if she had not told her friend she lives with who contacted me and informed me that behind my back she said...and I quote...I was her "wallet". All she wanted from me was the nice new car I had bought and paid of for her. Yes, it is unbelievable but she really was just out to get stuff. She was so mean, inconsidered and uninterested in us and our relationship that I really saw no way out but to give her the freedom she wanted. What did that do?
Well, the week leading up to it she spend with HIM. She first stayed with her friend and then basically moved in with him. That's right. She uses this new APT as a storage place and pretty much has stayed there for about 4 days in the last 5 weeks. Otherwise she stays with him, sleeps with him, gets up in the morning with him and so forth. We had not spoken in 3 weeks when I suddenly get a phone call on a Sunday with her crying and bla bla bla. I may sound inconsidered, but I couldnt help but be mean to her when she called. I tried not to, but what was I suppose to do? She cries to me about stupid crap because she apparently got in a fight with this other guy or something. Or maybe missed me? Who knows. Anyway, last week has been a nightmare. She tried to contact me nonstop the entire week for who knows what. She said she was coming by to get the rest of her stuff and stood me up 3 days in a row. So last friday I was fed up and put her on ignore. She blew up my cellphone and workphone, and sms messaging. Supposendly she wanted to see me! Oh? What you say? Yes. She wanted to come here and see me and the kitty and the house. I don't know why or for what purpose. I thought it was because she wanted her stuff but she never even looked into the box I packed for her. Nothing. Yet, our conversation, civil and peacefull mind you, didn't really do crap for me. She just wanted to tell me about how much she hates the other dudes house, the apt and in general isnt as happy as she hoped to be. Well, a little light when on in my stupid head as to "well, maybe she wants to work this out afterall, but can I forgive this?" Yes stupid, retarded me falling for her mind games to mess with me. She came cause she heared from a friend that I had been going out with girls on weekends and wanted to double check that I didn't have something going on. Well I do not. I just been occupying my hurt mind by going out and staying away from home. No other girl, just friends. Anyway, so stupid me is sitting here all day friday and saturday contemplating what just happened and what the next step is. Oh speaking of, all that great advise you guys gave me about cards, flowers and a letter. Yea, her friend told me she saw her look at it, rip them all up and throw the letters, cards and flowers out of her moving vehicle. Wow I must mean alot to her!
Back to last weekend. So I'm sitting there, depressed, thinking, praying, wishing things could go back to normal. Her friend calls me to tell me that my dear ex was going on a trip with her new man on saturday and just came by AFTER coming from my house to drop some stuff off at the apt. and then grab some things to go over to new guys house to stay there so they can go on the trip the next day. Woohoo. I was played yet again. How much more of this torment can a person take? I have had some of the worst depressions of my life over these last few weeks, finally I get my distance and start to feel self esteem and self pride come back and she shows up and crushes me. Why? why? why?
So today I called her at her work in morning and told her to go ahead and transfer some money into my account to cover some of the bills that I had to eat thanks to her leaving. These include the rediculous $600 cellphone bill she caused with her little man. She complied to deposit a whole $75 into my account. Not much to cover, but hey, its a start.
I don't know where to go from here. I suppose all thats left is just forget this ever happened. Forget the last 6 years of my life and go on with whats left of my life now.
Its just that whenever I seem to get her out of my head for a few days, she runs right back into my life to screw with my head. How do I stop this? I been considering having her numbers blocked just in case. She really doesn't contact me at all accept when she had felt bad about something or other. Its just those random calls after a while of ZERO contact that are freaking me out. She doesn't have any intention of leaving this new guy eventhough he turns out to be a low life. She has dinner with his parents? She cooks for them? What the hell. She tells me she left here because she was tired of taking care of me and things, but goes around and is back to cleaning his house, washing his clothes, and cooking him dinner. Explain to me how the hell this makes sense? The things the complained about are the things she is doing for him now. I don't get it. She has taken no alone time at all to figure herself out. She is with him as soon as she is off work. I guess the best way to forget a person is to get a new one. It seems thats her way, yet she just has to mess with my head now and then to make herself feel good.
She came to the house and saw how perfect everything was. How all the things she hated about me, are being done by me. I have grown so much being alone now, its just crazy. I do like that. It makes me feel alot more accomplished then ever before. I dropped my bad habits of time wasting and use every hour as productive as I can just to lock her out of my head.

Sorry about this rumbling on and now very well organized timeline. I just wanted to update as good as I can. If you guys read this and have advise for me, please let me know. I need to figure a way to get through this now. I don't think I will ever have her back. She just does these little cry/care sessions to hurt me I think.

Hanging in there and trying to make it...

It sounds like you may be ready for Plan B. If you are interested, here are Plan B Letters to give you some ideas. Good luck.

TMCM

Well guys Plan B is in effect. I don't think it is worth my bother anymore as I have come to realize over these last few weeks that I am wasting my time on a hopeless cause. This is no longer for her...this is for me!
I called her today and asked her to get my stuff she took to a friend to have them give it to me. I also told her I no longer want to have any contact with her. We talked a little and I got my few words in that had been on my mind. Nothing vulgar or super sad, just how I felt that thing could have been different had she tried. Plain and simple as that. She said she hates not having a "real home anymore" so I made the comment "then why didn't you come back home?" To which she apparently did not want to answer, started sounding bad and said " I got to go" and just simply hung up on me.
I don't do well with people hanging up. I don't see why she should have the last word so I proceeded with my final email which was basically a Plan B letter and was formulated as such. It outline that I had my shortcoming, as did she. It said that I was sorry things went this way but I wish her the best in her future and hope she finds her happiness even if it isn't with me. It was in no way ment to make her feel bad nor for me to cry or anything like that. It was just simply stating the basic Plan B outline. BUT I do have to say that I do not intend to have her back. As hard as it is, maybe its a up and down rollercoast, I do not think it would work out again.
i can forgive, but I can not forget of what she has done, the way she treated me and her true character. There has to be someone else out there for me. I am 25 years old now, I have a college education, a good job, a dream house that I had built to my specifications, low bills and plenty of spending money. I don't think that I need another gold digger to just love me for the "things" I have to offer. There just has to be a nice girl out there that is more compatible for me. All this time alone has given me time to think and realize that maybe we are just not as compatible as we thought. The marriage was too early and just wasn't meant to be.
I have horrible times, I have good times. She is on my mind constantly and I really need to figure out how to get her out of my head. I think the only way is to cut all communication with her forever and that be the end of it. So technically the PLAN B for me isn't a PLAN B but more of a goodbye letter. I wanted to say what I had to and this was the only way to do it so be it. Now I just got to figure out how to move on with my "NEW" life. Maybe some of you have suggestions how to get over these difficult times so that I can be happy again and find that "perfect" someone.
This reminds me, my grandmother last year did her little palm reading. i know this is crazy stuff, but she said she saw 2 marriages. At this time I thought she was nuts since I had no idea my wife was cheating on me. Maybe there is hope in my future afterall.
Thanks for all your advise and help. In my particular situation it was a great effort and great help but her mind seemed to have been made up and she was ready to let it all go without looking back.
We can't change others, we can only change ourselves. That is the greatest lesson I have learned and I continue to change to become a better person to myself and others.
I currently lack the drive to go out and meet new girls...it isn't that hard since I work at a university and I consider myself not that bad looking of a guy. But right now for some really odd reason I just have zero motivation to try and start over. I think I have a fear of a new start. Does this go away? I don't want to be alone forever, but I just don't know how to deal with it. I'm deadly affraid if I started something new I would screw it up because my ex is so fresh on my mind and haunts me right now. Does this end? How long am I looking at for this?

Also, she never told her great new man she was married. Since I handed her the papers within 1 week of her leaving (to protect my assets) she thinks she can just play him and his family forever and never tell. I do plan to send him the final divorce papers this coming Monday as the divorce is final the end of this week. Good idea? Bad Idea? I don't want to go out unless its with a bang. I understand it sounds selfish, but screw it, call it my revenge if you want. Tell me what you think?

Prismx

I can't get this site to work very well, and I hope you get this response. Send OM a copy of the Plan B letter. Of all people on earth, HE should know WW has a husband.

Keeping this short, in hopes it will post. Lurking and pulling for you daily (when the site is operational)

Best wishes,
SD

Wow,

It worked. I wanted to add, with the Plan B letter to WW AND TO THE OM, you might be surprised at her reaction. Be prepared for anything between a firestorm of anger and/or a jolt into reality, with sorry, remorse, etc. It COULD go either way.

Have a list in mind for boundaries that MUST be in effect if she comes back "wanting to try". MC, NC, accountability, questionairres, Surviving an Affair, His Needs/Her Needs. It's your life, therefore, your list. Be prepared for ANYTHING. Stay healthy, active, doing those things that are to be permanent changes in you, as a part of Plan A, as it will help you rebuild this marriage, or be better prepared for another if this doesn't work out.

Send OM the Plan B letter, that's part of exposure. What have you got to lose?

Best wishes,
SD

First of...I have problems with the site too. Best way for me to it is to open up the forum the right click on the Login link above to open it in a new window. Login in that new window. Then go back to the forum (2nd window) and hit F5 or refresh. This way you will be logged in to the right spot from the start and you can post replies just as before. Then just close that new window you used to login or let it sit in your tray. Voila it works!

Back to my story now.
I don't see why I should bother sending that guy my Plan B email. He can go to hell for all I care. Just as she can.
I was talking about sending the final divorce papers to him. I got my envelope ready to go to send them to him. Let me see how much she has lied to him and his family. April 25th is the final day. The divorce is signed by both parties and already went infront of the judge. Now I just want to let OM know that he had been messing with a married woman all along without knowing.
I just think I'm through with her anyway. I don't feel a need to fight for her when she treats me like total crap everytime we have a word. She obviously wants him bad enough to leave everything behind and crawl backwards down the foodchain into the "lower" social class. She has changed way too much for me. Change the way she dresses, the food she eats and the music she listens to. I mean, can you be more of a sellout chamilion?
I have no respect for her anymore and honstly do not give a damn what happens to her from here on out. I have too much going for me to keep going on with this depression and anger that she has caused. I got to piece my own life back together without her in it!