DMSFC,<P>It is hard...<BR>...so very hard...<P>...but the focus has to get off of your H!<BR>...and back on <B>YOU</B>!<P>I've always believed that that focus...<BR>...is best driven by a redirection to one's faith...<BR>...and if a faith experience never existed... start one!<P> <P>Jim

My wife an I have been going through alot of issues lately. She is not meeting my needs for sex, affection and admiration. I'm not exactly sure what needs of hers I'm not meeting, except that she says I am not giving her space and she feels uncomfortable around me all the time. She has turned to an ex for conversation. We are splitting up for a little while and I have a strong feeling that she will be seeing, or at least interacting with this person and it makes me very uncomfortable. I confronted her with my feelings and, I thought mutually, agreed that she would not communicate with him throughout the separation. I did mention that I'm not telling her she can never talk to him or be a friend, but that I thought that the time apart should be spent reflecting on ourselves and our relationshiup and the he could be a complication to this.<P>She agreed and I felt very good. I have been working hard to meet all of her needs and have tried to not be needy (which was one of her issues with me) as well as not asking any questions or talking about our relationship... as it makes her uncomfortable. Well, we had a terrific weekend... or so I thought. Lo and behold, she's talking to him again Sunday night (as she does every night) after we had a very nice date... at least we had both discussed how nice it was. She seems like she truly wants to work on our marriage when we have a discussion (though I can't discuss our relationship with her thorughout our separation as theat would be a major LB). Then she turns around and does this. I feel like she's doing this to deliberately hurt me or to rebel against me. If she were rebelling in any other way I wouldn't mind... I would see it as her excericising her independence in a healthy way... I don't think this extra "relationship" is excercising independence in a way that is good for our marriage.<P>I guess my question is, am I doing the right thing in ignoring her continued interaction with this person? (To date, they have done nothing more than friends would do. In fact, that's all they may be. I normally trust her implicitly, but am paranoid in my concern for our marriage - this conflict between trust and distrust is very uncomfortable for me). Should I just ignore it entirely and continue Plan A? Does Plan A include NOT talking about how things make you feel if that is an LB... or should I be saying it anyway?<P>I am really more concerned that this person is meeting some sort of need that I don't (like conversation). I have definately changed that. I spend as much time as she is willing to give me providing her entirely focused conversations... actually, I am finding that though at first Plan A may seem a little clinical, I am enjoying it... it is allowing me to remember why we fell in love in the first place. I have also told her that we would not have sex while we were separated... she has been a little affectionate... touching me occasionally, and, when we are in bed (after she has spent a couple of hours conversing with this guy after I have gone to bed), she likes to be held by me.<P>I am kind of venting as well as asking for advice. I don't really have anyone to talk to and those that I could are definately not the type of people to take relationship advice from <P>Any comments or advice on this would be very appreciated. I feel so alone while she is gathering a group of people around her to give her support... only telling them the bad things about me and not the good. Making herself the martyr by staying with me... and in general acting with a split personality... one minute seeming to be entirely in love with me and wanting everything to be great between us and then turning around and telling her friends out and out lies that either 1) don't support the contributions I am making, or 2) make me look bad.

NSR,<P>Is it time for Plan B when your stomach turns when you're around WS? I'm so filled with anger and hurt that I want to lash out at him. I'm trying my best to Plan A, but I'm having a VERY hard time doing it. All I can think of are the things he has done and what he is doing now. OW broke it off with him, but she still calls to "see how everyone is doing". Has called twice in the last week. I'm supposed to be okay with her calling since they are split up now. I'M NOT. I can't stand it.<P>I can't stop LB'ing either. I blew up on H tonight and told him he wouldn't even give us a chance to know if anything will be worked out. I'm just so tired of all the crap.<P>I wish I could tell him what he tells business associates, crap or get off the pot. I would like to scream it at the top of my lungs.<P>The problem I have is I don't think H will leave even if I ask him.<P>What do you think I should do? Continue Plan A while holding my stomach, Plan B? What if H won't move out?

As an update, she continues to talk to this person at night after I go to bed (I know they are flirting and talking for 1 to 2 hours a night - especially after I told her how much it hurts me) even though she acts so loving and caring when we're together. She hides things. I know the passwords to her email moxes and I have checked, there's nothing there, yet I know she's getting stuff and deleting it so I won't see it, but not closing them in order to throw me off the tracks.<P>We are moving in a few days and I am overlapping a month on the rent. I will be staying here while she goes down there. We will be seeing each other on 2 of the 3 weekends. I'm really concerned that she is going to see this guy. Her love and caring is mixed with sarcastic remarks and attempts to get a rise out of me. I have only been doing Plan A for a few days now... though her actions are getting worse. What I'm really afraid of is that I won't have any presence with her while I am gone. I don't think she really wants to do this, but is trying to get at me somehow. Should I just switch to Plan B? Or should I stay with Plan A and hope this all blows over? Any advice would be appreciated. I have 2 days to make a decision and I'm a little confused.

{{{Mitter}}},<P>Never feel that you can't communicate with your spouse honestly about your feelings...<BR>...of it hurts she is seeing the OM... let her know (but do it in a loving way... no LBs)<P>Do lower your expectations...<BR>...and if your still not satisfied... lower them some more.<P>You <B>will</B> come to the point (if she doesn't turn around) ... where you will have lost a lot of love for her...<P>...when you reach a point of (love bank emptiness)...<BR>...you should consider Plan B...<BR>...and it will be time to shake the dust from your feet...<BR>......lest her personal destruction... will start to destroy your relationship your God.<P>But... with the greatest of Patience, Time and Consistemcy!<BR>... as in <B>W</B> in this post (page 1)!<P> <P>Jim

{{{Dumplin}}}...<P>When to go to Plan B?...<P>You've touched upon some of the conditions...<BR>...but very often... those same conditions are those that are the result of "anger stages"....<P>These anger stages... can last a while...<BR>... and flare up at times.<P>To know you go to Plan B...<BR>...you must have the "same" certainty... of "permanent separation" being "right"...<BR>...as believing that your marriage was certain!<P>Pray Dumplin...<BR>Find (re-find) your faith...<BR>...don't go it alone!<P> <P>Jim

Thanks Jim. I really appreciate your advice. I'm still willing to work on my marriage. I'm getting tired of always being wrong though. OW broke it off with H, but she still calls "every once in a while to see how everyone is doing". Lately, I can't do anything right--he's always pissed at me about one thing or another. Anything from washing the wrong jeans for work to not telling him about the bills. I'm just tired of always being wrong. It feels like no matter what I do it's wrong. I had a long discussion with the Lord last night and put it in His hands. I can't do it alone--I'm not sure if I can do it at all anymore. I'm putting it in His hands. Please pray for me. I feel like I'm going into withdrawal and I don't know where that will leave my marriage. I want to be with him, but I'm just not sure how much more of this I can stand. Thanks for all the advice and the support.<P>Anna

My situation was not infidelity. My husband attacked me. This was a one time thing as far as I can tell. So we seperated. I found this site when he suddenly decided to come home without asking what I thought first. That was not quiet 3 months after he left and we had been seeing each other most weekends while he was gone. I was terrified. So now for 3 weeks I have been doing plan A. But this seems backwards. Seems to me like he should be he one making love deposits. He was already in the red before I started and the more I try and the less he notices and stays angry the worse I fell. I keep thinking if I make me a better wife and he will realize how important I am and start to make up for what happened. It seems like I am rewarding him for the physical abuse that happend once by being such a better wife now. Like I am condoning his verbal and emotional abuse of me and my daughter because if he gets mad I try harder to please him. Is there a plan C??? I didnt get anywhere with plan B and seem to be Plan A is making things worse. Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

up.

WOW, i have been reading a lot and just found you. I hope you can help me shed light on my situation. you can read more on "Just Found OUt". I'm the WS and my BS is just going along for the ride, i think. he just doesn't want to talk. i'm trying to meet all his emotional needs and found that we have both been treating each other with more respect now than the past 17 years. its crazy. our situation is one where i have never felt H to be proud of me. i have repented and understand my forgiveness, but H thinks thats underrated and not the answer. He is a christian, but not totally walking the life. I'm saved too, but that didn't stop me from being depressed and deceived after my mom's death and falling into an abyss. i've tried talking, he just blows up and says to move out, and says he doesn't want to be married, i killed it, i killed his love for me, etc. etc. we just went the past two weeks with my niece here, and he plays the "married game" we go out to eat, have company over, go over to neighbors for a BBQ, we have sex, because he says, he can have sex with the "maid" its all a matter of my perspective i guess. i didn't feel appreciated before and now i feel like he's punishing me with no affection, no kisses, no i love yous' during the day, but he satisfies his needs at night just fine. How is this? after 26 years together, i think it is not easy to undo a meshed life. i feel we are one. i do not want a divorce. sometimes i still think of the OM but realize i was used, by him, his wife (my H participated with me & his wife too but he thinks that's ok) and it just is very sad that what started out to be a nice family friendship turned into a horror story. Yet, my marriage needed a jolt. we disrespected each other way too much. we live all over the world, now in germany, i support his career. he needs me and what i give to him, 3 kids, etc. how do i do the plan A. it seems like its for the BS, right? please help me...

How do you use Plan A if you ARE the WS? Please help! I am so confused!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cheatedandregretit:
<strong>How do you use Plan A if you ARE the WS? Please help! I am so confused!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The same thing ... it is about you addressing the issues of M that you has contibuted. Check your post in GQII, ask more detail over there. -rh-