mthhr & all...<P>We had a 'real' conversation tonight...<P>I talked about EN questionnaire...other stuff...<P>H feels I am pushing too hard...he said he was confused and not sure what he wanted...WOW--a breakthrough???first time he has not said unequivicably that he did NOT want to be married...that he did NOT want to be attached to anyone....<P>I have given him stuff to read...he asked that I back off and give him time to read and sort out and figure out what he wants...<P>I asked him to fill out Lovebusters Q...so I knew for sure what he saw were my lovebusters...he was hesitant...so I said to look it over, if you don't want to fill it out don't...I will continue to play it by ear as I think I already know what I did that were lovebusters....(angry outbursts, critical judgements and selfish demands...)<P>I have been trying to meet his EN's based on questionnaire...his top ones were Affection, Conversation, Recreational companionship, family commitment and domestic support...I have been calling him just to say hi...putting cards in unexpected places etc. He said that it was irritating to him because he did not feel affectionate right now...I asked should I quit and he said yes...until he knew what he wanted...<P>If affection is a top need and he's being irritated by my trying to fulfill it what do I do????<P>Cali<P>

Cali...<P>Hes not irritated by the cards, but he cant respond to it right now. It is not an attack on you. He feels pushed and pressured. Remember, his need for affection is in a relationship, and right now he is not calling this a relationship. My guess would be he feels safe being non commital, but he is coming around, spending time with you, and remember...One lesson at a time. Right now, he sees your affection as a LB, because he is not ready for it. You did nothing wrong. You were giving him EN#1, but in his mind, you were pushing. Its all in the perception and communication. Maybe just do the affectionate thing once every two weeks. Maybe watching TV on the couch and light touching to him is the affection he wants? Yes, there are alot of questions, but there is also progress. Heres hoping your weekend starts off well!!<P>Trueheart

He sees you efforts at trying to please him as you trying to control him. The last thing he wants right now is someone trying to control and influence his decision. He wants to be in control. That is why I have been offering the advise to back away right now, however you are most comfortable doing that. Just let him be and do what you need to do for you. You can do it lovingly without an attitude that he can misconstrue.<P>It's not that he doesn't know if he really wants to be married or not. It's most likely that he feels he didn't make the right decision back then. My H always said " I never knew what marriage was all about", "I was too young(24)", "Marriage shouldn't have to be 'work' all the time", " I never had anyone to counsel me and discuss what it would really be like to be married before I went through with it", " I just don't know if I made the right decision back then", " I don't think I was ever meant to be married".<P>It was a loud cry to be left alone for awhile with NO ONE from the outside trying to offer opinions or ideas on how to fix it. He wanted and even more, NEEDED to feel like he had sorted it through on his own and come to his final decision on his own. My H didn't want to read Harley or anything else. When I brought it up he would feel like I was trying to be his mother. He didn't want a mother. I met his ENs by leaving him alone and being loving and supportive of his "quest" when he intiated it. I initiated nothing. I did nothing affectionate unless he CLEARLY showed he was asking for it, and he did continue to come around and allow me to meet his needs,but on his terms. His OW was also out of the picture so I felt comfortable doing that. If she was still in the picture, I would have been in Plan B letting her meet all of his needs, so he could see that she couldn't. I maybe sent a card or two to his work, but they were not "love" cards. They were of the type that said " I know you'll make it, you're a strong person", " Hang in there, you'll sort it out". With those he felt supported, but I only did it once or twice with periods of up to a month between. Our attempts to hurry up and restore the marriage make them feel smothered.<P>You ask "What do I do?". He's told you flat out what to do. You do very little to nothing and let him be until he tells you he's ready for more. You be strong about that request and go about taking care of you and keep some boundaries firmly in place. You need to be careful about how loudly your actions speak. The other day you packed your bags so he could see them and told him you felt like leaving for a few days but you didn't follow through. Your feelings were in no way unreasonable and probably a very good idea in reality. But by just leaving the bags there for him to see and saying what you said and then not following through I'm afraid you might have appeared like you were trying to manipulate him instead of trying to actually get away to regroup. You need to be very careful about doing things like that. There can be no manipulation, no trying to control the outcome. By doing those kinds of behaviors yourself you give him MORE negative things to think about and you want to him to think about you from a positive frame of reference. He's told you that the things you are doing are not positive to him right now.<P>If he is still seeing OW right now you should even all the more go about just letting him be and take care of you. It will drive you crazy trying to compete with her for the opportunity to meet his needs. I bet if you tell him calmly that you need to get away for a day or two that he will support you. If not, maybe his family would be supportive enough to watch the kids for a couple of days. You will help yourself by letting him see you as independent and strong,not as someone who is so desperate to save this relationship that you can't quit trying to make him see the light with reading materials and questionaires. It's like sand in the palm of your hand, the tighter you squeeze the faster it runs through your fingers. When you loosen the grip it sits right where you want it.

Hi Cali, I know exactly how you feel as my situation is quite similiar. My H left 4mos ago. and he comes over nearly everyday to see me and the kids ages 7,11,17. There are days when I feel as though I just can't do this any longer. I am sick and tired both physically and emotionally of trying to do it all and hold my family together. I have told H, that I need a break and that I would like to run away myself. He tells me that if I do that he will move back home, but me coming back will never happen. What kind of double standard is that? Hang in there our kids need us more now than ever. I remind myself of that every day and continue to pray for strength and guidance. Good Luck you'll be in my prayers!<BR>Cybil