Thanks, Sad Dad, Dino and Arthur,<BR>Yes, I'll try over the nect few weeks to think about how he bahaves and about how I am behaving towards him. Tonight, after quite a long, thought provoking discussion with my Sister- in -law, I have realised that my H is, and always has been quite insecure and maybe needs me to boost his confidence more and compliment him more. I have done a lot of thinking tonight and realise that if he knows that I am snooping through his things it will probably make things worse. What he needs is to see is that I can, and want to meet his unmet emotional needs. Knowing that his wife is snooping through his things isn't going to make him feel better about himself. I think, possibly, what I need to do is pay him more compliments and show him that I do care about his feelings. Previously, I've always joked about him putting on weight etc. maybe this has actually hurt him where none was intended, I don't know? Anyway, for the moment I'm thinking that the A happened because he felt insecure and the OW somehow boosted his ego, therefore, I'm going to show that I too can pay him compliments and make him feel good about himself and see if that works. I'm making a resolution that I will not snoop any more, but rather I'll see if his behaviour changes if I plan A like crazy. Do you think this sounds like a good idea?

Great idea! I know how hard it is to stop snooping, but it only hurts YOU. Believe me, I know. I planted a tape recorder (heard more than I bargained for), pulled phone records, checked voice mails (I still do that, but not as much). Every piece of info I found just hurt more. <P>Do everything you can to make him feel good about himself and important to you. If he has self esteem issues, having an A doesn't help. OW may make him feel better about himself, but he needs to feel better about himself regardless of you or OW. Build him up so he can see the wonderful man he is. I don't know him, but I'm sure you wouldn't have married him if you didn't think he was wonderful. OW won't continue to make him feel better when A starts to die out. When that happens, he'll see a loving, appreciative, supportive W. I need to do a better job of following my own advice.<P>sad dad

To Sad Dad,<P>Yes. maybe I need to follow my own advice as well! You get those inspired moments don't you when you suddenly realise how you should be behaving and what you should be saying. You suddenly feel a bit more confident and hopeful. Then, suddenly, their cellphone bill appears in the post and you can't help yourself...once you've opened it, instead of feeling positive, all the good things you were going to say to them have gone from your head and you just stand there feeling sick to the stomach and trembling with anger and hurt. Therefore, if I/ we don't look through their things, we might be able to hold onto those positive feelings for a bit longer and might stand more chance of actually acting on them. Therefore, I think I've answered the thread which I started....DON'T SNOOP IT ONLY TURNS US INTO ANGRY, SHAKING, WRECKS and in that state we will never be able to fulfil their emotional needs. Sometimes I wish I had never found out. The way I found out in the first place was by snooping through his stuff!

Hi,<P>I'm a regular D/D poster, but thought I'd browse here tonight because my Plan A was getting weak.<P>Oh yeah, snooping....been there, done that!<P>AND it hurt.<P>AND it caused me to LB.<P>AND it made him see I didn't trust him.<P>AND it undid all the Plan A I'd done.<P>AND it made him not trust ME...<P>AND he left.<P>NOW he is having another affair.<P>Please don't snoop any more. You are doing it because you know something is going on, that's enough, isn't it? Don't hurt yourself or your cause by stepping on mines in your own backyard...try to just get on with creating that safe place when it is over.<P>And BTW, I've just done a complete turn around from what I was thinking this morning....I was going to confront my h about his new affair which he thinks I know nothing about....but I won't.

Thanks Nina too,<P>I think I'll come back and read these posts every time I get the urge to snoop.<P>Wounded One

I guess I am confused. They keep lying to us and we are wrong to snoop? I don't get it. Married people shouldn't be keeping secrets from one another.<P>I'm honest with him about my snooping and I think my husband knows very well that I do not trust him. Why should I if he keeps lying to me?<P>Most recently, I found a $20 calling card and the phone numbers of two women written on a post-it note in his wallet. I waited over a week to confront him about it. I was angry and emotional when I discovered it. I had to wait a while to discuss it with him in a calm rational manner.<P>We had a very good discussion about my need for honesty and his sexual fulfillment needs. We also discussed his tendency to stray throughout our marriage and how it concerns me and hurts me. I think he is slowly coming out of his fog...I don't know.<P>What you discover when you snoop does hurt. You know you have been lied too. You deserve the truth. You deserve an honest mate. I don't like being played as a fool, which I have been for years now. It won't continue and neither will the lies. What about the BS emotional need for honesty? Your needs for honesty are very real. It's one of my top needs. I have to feel secure in my realtionship. Your needs as the BS ARE IMPORTANT!!!<P>I just can't believe what I have been reading here.<P>Bluebird, who will keep snooping away...<BR>

Bluebird,<P>I am confused too, but here is my situation, and I why I need to quit snooping....<P>I found out my W was in an affair, confronted her with it, and we have been kind of working on our marriage since then. But, she is not sure she wants to reconcile, and is just kind of along for the ride. We cannot truly work on our M until she chooses that she wants to. <P>To that end, I have to do things that make me inviting to her. That is where the plan A comes in. I do not LB so I do not push her away, and I try to meet her ENs. The best benefit of plan A is that I am improving myself, regardless of how our marriage works out.<P>She refuses to end contact with the OM because she would rather be with him then me. She contacts him more then she tells me, and then she lies. Contacting him is wrong, from my perspective, and lying is wrong altogether. I cannot change what she does though. I have to keep working on me. Snooping makes it harder for me to plan A because of my hurt and it pushes her away. If I had stopped snooping immediately, I might not have pushed her to the point we are at now.<P>As BSs, we do deserve to know the truth, and we do deserve to have our ENs met, (and not to be LB'ed by a WS refusing to sever contact, but I digress) but that is not what plan A is about. It is about working on ourselves. I know not everybody is in plan A, but IMHO that is what most of this thread has been about.<P>An update on me.... I have quit snooping, at least intentionally. The other night, I was doing something where I had to be in her stuff and I came across something dealing with the A. not gonna do that again... Now, I will keep clear of areas that she might hide things in.<P>Then, last night she was on the computer for a while. She was doing the "change windows when the H comes in" thing, so I knew she was emailing OM. I asked her, she denied, and I told her I did not believe her. I asked if I could see her email screen, and she refused. What did this get me? Well, I knew she was emailing him (which I knew anyway), I got hurt by her lying, and I made her uncomfortable. Note to self -- just let it go. We will both last much longer if I do....<P>As time goes on, I keep peeling back more layers of things I should not be doing. I removed the boulders first, then the big rocks, now the gravel... I am sure that I have some sand grains around that I need to clean up.<P>later.<p>[This message has been edited by arthur1234 (edited September 06, 2001).]

In reply to what Bluebird said above,<P>When I started this thread it was because I felt too that I had a right to know what he was doing BUT had realised that every time I snooped it was ME who got hurt and it was ME who drove my H further away. My H used to come home every weekend even after D Day, but once my snooping started to reveal that he was still phoning her and other things which I also confronted him about, he started to come home only alternate weekends. Yes, we do feel that we deserve to know the truth but the reason the people who have replied to this post such as Arthur 1234 and Nina too have advised no snooping and the reason I came to this conclusion as well is that the further away we drive them, the less time we get to just be with them and talk to them and hopefully say things to them that WILL help them to realise why theu married us in the first place. We are NOT hiding our heads in the sand, the reason we look is that we know what they are doing and the things I have found by snooping have always been what I expected to find anyway....so why bother to look when you know what is there anyway?

Wounded one - you nailed it on the head.<P>Dino<BR>