Tomorrow is friday and H is getting son to take him to disney on ice. I am picking up son from H's apt. Saturday morning for the drive home. I hope I am not ruining the B plan, since we talked on the phone. Did not go too well. I got him all frustrated. Got an email from him that was cute and saw all else who received it. Guess what? OW got that cute email too, but my name was way up higher on the list than hers. Maybe she'll see something in that. Goodness knows, I read far too much into the tiniest little things.<p>I am scared that this trip home, albeit for a few weeks, will not make him miss me or rethink things. He did send me an email that said to stop "pleading my case" b/c it was driving him away. So, like you told me, I'm going home and do my family thing. So scared about all of this. H is trying to still communicate w/me, even though it is not loving. So, I'm going to stop bothering at all and REALLY let b go into action. The medicine is really making me feel strange--before, when i was depressed, I'd eat. Now, I don't want too at all. I'm petite and only want about 10 pounds off, but if I keep these meds up, I'll be as skinny as the "amazing horsefaced silicone psycho"! (I know that was not at all kind of me, nor does it reflect my faith and I'm sorry for the hidden rant here...)<p>Anyway, after H read my letter, suddenly my pass word was changed on my computer and I couldn't get online. H changed it. Control thing again. Had to call him to get pass code. I am not trying to hide ANYTHING at all from him. I believe H thinks there are secret coded messages in my emails to my relatives or friends. If there is a problem with secrets or hiding, it is him having those problems PROJECTING his double life back onto me. <p>I prayed this morning like mad. I know now that I am truly powerless in this situation. I gave it over to God and asked Him to just give me enough control over my tongue and my mind to not REACT stupidly now, during this time away. H acts and I react. Why? Probably b/c I'm not in control and just want a little of it for me, in my own life. <p>Am still wearing my armor. Still very tired and worried about surviving tomorrow night. Son will be gone, I'll be alone packing. When I cross into the MS state line, I'll feel much better. Learned that home is not how big or beautiful it is, but where those you love are. My mom lives in a very small house, it will be crowded with just even me and my son, but we will have a good time. She will enjoy us visiting. My dad passed away 2 years ago and she is very lonely. Please friends, pray for me, my H and son now. We are at a cross road, it seems to me. Pray God will speak to H's heart and let him see how precious his son and I are to him. This will be a sad trip. We got engaged on Thanksgiving and I can not bear to be alone on that day and do not even want to consider surviving during Christmas. <p>H said yesterday that he was afraid to move home again and try b/c he might just do it again in 6 or 7 months. I told him that you'll never know if you don't try again. IF our M stays the same, then probably yes, but if we work together, then maybe not. H doesn't see enough hope. I am carrying my computer w/me for home so I'll check in with you guys. Please, put on your armor and keep up your good fights too. I need some awesome prayer warriors in my family's corner now. Always remember, I am praying for you too and thank you for your friendship.<p>God Bless You.<p>"Therefore put on the full armor of God so that when the day of EVIL comes you may be able to stand your ground; and after having done EVERYTHING to stand."

Hi Peachy - gosh, I hope this works out a little better for you at home. I really think that if you make a good plan B, with no contact, it will be a different experience for your husband. Who knows how he reacts, but it least it's different than what's going on now, so it's a chance.<p>Please be careful driving home. Get some rest.<p>- Tom

peachy, just to let you know we are here and praying for you.

Dear friends,<p>I'm packing up and leaving around noon, I hope. Going to be a long drive. Yesterday was strange, and I may have broken plan B. Last night, my H was supposed to have his son and take him to Disney on ice. H called me about 3 pm and asked me if I wanted to go w/him. My heart overruled my head and I said yes. Met him at his apartment and we drove together. The evening went ok, as I made a comment about seeing a magnet on his fridge from OW's pharmaceutical company. H did give me the CD's from the marriage conference he attended (not with me) and I don't know why. I can only be gone for about 3 weeks. <p>At the end of the evening, H hugged me and I looked up at him and said that I wasn't sure when I'd see him again. H said he wants to get son and drive up to have him for a few days on Thanksgiving weekend and is talking about taking him for a week after Christmas. I am not sure about that. H acted nice last night and told me to stop pleading my case. I'll try. Please pray for us. It is getting harder now and I don't know how to hold out. I sent him a sweet email and thanked him for last night. Leave hopefully with H having a good memory of his family together. Carrying my laptop, so I'll be in touch. Help me with advice (everyone but bonniebb, please). <p>"Therefore put on the full armor of God so that when the day of Evil comes you may be able to stand your ground; and after having done EVERYTHING to stand."

Peachy,<p>It is the intend of plan A to be ended in a very high note then goes to plan B. I am glad that you have a good time.<p>H acted nice last night and told me to stop pleading my case. I'll try. Please pray for us.<p>He told you if you cross it it is a LB. Fogese want you to act like there is nothing wrong at all even it is eating you alive inside. Bringing A is a no-no unless H is ready.<p>It is getting harder now and I don't know how to hold out. I sent him a sweet email and thanked him for last night. Leave hopefully with H having a good memory of his family together.<p>Very nice [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] , H will and looking for more [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>Carrying my laptop, so I'll be in touch. Help me with advice (everyone but bonniebb, please). <p>Have a safe drive and go to supportive environment for you. Leave it for a few days, catch up with your family. Don't be surprise if your H will call you. Actually most of us here only offer our oppinions and exchanging notes/experiences and support each other. For advice, you are in the very good hand. You have Steve and you have MC that also understood MB. Steve will tell you when to go to plan B and he could help. For now enjoy your family. You could still in plan A and doing it from far.<p>God bless you and hang in there. I will be in Monterey for roller skate competition for my 2 D and my WW this weekend. I might check up later and see how are you doing.

Hi Peachy - did you make it okay? Hope things are going better today.<p>- Tom

I am here and have been doing well, except for today. My H called me and said he had sent me an email. In the email he asked me if his parents could have our son for the weekend and that he would be driving up for Thanksgiving and staying w/his parents. H asked if he could have son around 2 pm for Thanksgiving there. No mention or invitation at all for me. H also made plans and bought travel package for him and son to leave on the 23rd -28th to disneyworld. No mention of me at all, just a "boys" trip. H said he would return him to me in Atlanta on the 28th. I had not even told him when I would return and am sad about all of this. On Friday night before he left, H gave me CD's from his conference (marriage one) and I asked him if they were for us. I emailed him back and asked him directly. H still says that I will see him every week or week and a half. H seems to be ignoring my effort of plan b and does not want me to mention our relationship at all. I am confused and scared. I do not want to live in Atlanta at all. Not if my family is not in tact. I have my family and friends here and other than my H, there is nothing for me in Atlanta. Can not go through Christmas there and do not want to if the way things appear to be now are becoming permanent. I am losing hope. H not at all anywhere near repentant or broken. H seems to be fine with everything. I'll check in with you guys tomorrow. Please pray hard for me and my H.

Hi Peachy - glad to hear you made it home. Sounds like your husband is making this a little bit of a power struggle, and not respecting your wishes for no contact. Your son should have a blast in DisneyWorld, though, and you don't want to interfere with that. <p>So my suggestion is that your son spends Thanksgiving with you and your Mom, especially if he is going away the next day. Also, your son should return to you in Mississippi after the trip. Make it clear that Atlanta is not your home. You probably already made it clear, but your husband is not taking that seriously. He has to know that you're serious before plan B even has a chance of working. If you don't stay firm, he'll know that you'll stick around while he sees OW whenever he wants to.<p>Maybe you need some written agreement from your husband before he leaves for DisneyWorld, acknowledging that you and your son are no longer based in Atlanta. Do you have a friend, or maybe a minister, who can handle the transfers without you actually having to meet your husband?<p>Good luck, and we'll be praying for you.<p>- Tom

Just a word of advice.<p>It might be wise to file for legal separation and get temporary legal custody of your son before letting your H take him out of state.<p>Without a custody order, your H does not have to return your son to you and could possible get custody of him in GA before you see your son again.

Peach,<p>I suggested the Tracy Cabot book as a way of changing your focus and building your confidence. Even if you never face something, it always feels better to be prepared.<p>Having suffered through a 2-year parental abduction of two children, I too am leary of his sudden focus on the child and taking him out of state. Be very careful and maybe not telegraph your future plans. I believe the residency requirement in GA is 6 months--have you lived there that long? If so, GA has jurisdiction until you meet whatever MS's residency requirement is.<p>Can you commit to not interacting with him for one week--seven whole days in a row? No calls, no Emails, no notes, no nothing? No matter what he does to provoke you? Just to see what happens? If you allow him to have visitation with the child, make arrangements to be absent for the pick-up and drop-off--let your mother or someone else handle it. It seems like he is yanking your chain every chance he gets, and the only way you are going to be able to break that destructive cycle is with a solid plan B with NO CONTACT whatsoever.<p>Again, I repeat, did you have to "plead your case" to get him to marry you? It just really feels to me like he has rejected you so totally that it is time to go back to square one. Treat him like the stranger he has become. Close the door and don't let him in unless and until the A is over and he agrees to marriage building terms.<p>There is no marriage while he is committed to another relationship, so you should detach as much as he is to regain some balance. Envision the teeter-totter analogy (I think it's in Love Must Be Tough)--the only way it works is by counterbalancing. You have to scoot as far back on the teeter-totter as he has. Otherwise, there is no movement.<p>Conqueror

Hi out there.<p>It's me. I am doing ok, although son has had the flu. Not too much sleep and very tired. Hello expecially to conqueror and tmmx. As you both know, I have only heard from H about the Disneyworld thing. Have not emailed or spoken to him until early this morning. H phoned me (6:40 am my time; 7:40 ET) and asked if I could get an appt. w/our counselor today around 2 pm. I do not have caller ID on the phone in my room at my mom's house, so I did not know it was him. Called and left message for counselor and she is booked totally until monday. I gave her his numbers and he expects a call back from me about this. I am, as you all know, trying to do B, but H is sabotaging it. H is emailing, calling, etc. and I'm doing my very best. It is so hard b/c H is very controlling. I feel like I'm starting to get the flu too. By the way, until March, this area I'm in was always my home. In fact, my old house is still on the market (still in our names) and all of our family and friends are here. That is why I came here--where I am comfortable and have a support system somewhat. Feel a little better here at home, but no one understands what's like to have this kind of (only way to call it) hell in their life. My mom and sister sort of understand, as do I, b/c our dad passed away 2 years ago. But this is so different. Please pray hard for H and me and son. I do not know what this sudden rush to see counselor means. I am not sure. Advice? All kind words welcomed here. God bless you, and thank you for your prayers. I pray for all of you, although somehow, I'm getting worn down now. Feel like there's a chink in my spiritual armor now. I again, thank you and appreciate you.<p>"Therefore put on the full armor of God so that when the day of EVIL comes you may be able to stand your ground; and after having done EVERYTHING to stand."

Good to hear from you, Peachy. I think it worked out great that your counselor will be trying to call your H for setting up the appointment. You're not directly involved. This is very much in line with plan B, working through a third party. If he's trying to sabotage plan B via email or long-distance phone call, you are able to control that. You only have to respond if absolutely necessary, and only to the extent necessary. Let him work through the counselor for a while. You're doing great. Keep it up.<p>So, you were in Georgia since March? The others were right about the residency requirement, you should have something in writing before your son goes off to DisneyWorld. You should probably check with a lawyer for good information on where you stand. I procrastinated for a long time about talking to a lawyer, because it seems like such a major step when you still want to save the marriage. But you need to have good information and there is a deadline coming up. You want your son to make the trip if possible because he'll have lots of fun, also it shows your H part of what he stands to lose, daily contact with your son as he grows up. Forbidding the trip could be a love-buster. <p>But I agree with the others, you can't let yourself be blindsided. If he brings your son back to Atlanta, it ruins plan B and chops out your support system at one stroke.<p>- Tom

Dear Friends,<p>Alot has happened over this last week. First my H called me at 6:00 am and asked to get an appt. w/my counselor for him. She was totally booked and now he says he can't get in to see her b/c of his tight schedule. Tomorrow is going to be so hard. Son is leaving after lunch to go to Disneyworld. My H called me last night to ask us to meet him for lunch (thanksgiving) at a restaurant before I drop son off. H aslo said he will committ to spending time with me next week after he and our son return Wednesday. I am sure that now plan B is totally broken. However, I have not contacted him at all and during any conversations (the necessary ones) I have been kind and pleasant. Maybe all is not totally lost. H did say, albeit rather quickly, last night on the phone that he loved me. I haven't heard those words in months. I want to thank you for your prayers. This week, expecially tomorrow, will be so hard for me. I've done everything I could do to get this B thing going right, but H sabotages it left and right. Last night H drove in from GA to stay w/his parents who live about 60 miles from where I am here at my mom's house. I'm not sure what any or all of this means. Please pray for him and for me. When praying for me, ask the Lord to empower me with discernment and strength. I feel that God is beginning to break through to him, and I am so very scared to take anything, any word or deed, for love. I love my H and my son so much and for the next 6 days they will be gone. That is the time when I usually fall apart. I will draw my strength now from God and from my family, and from my friends, like you, to face the day tomorrow. It is a very sentimental holiday--we got engaged in front of both of our families on Thanksgiving. May God bless you all and give you a wonderful holiday time with your loved ones. You are also in my prayers. And for another day, I will keep my armor on.<p>"Therefore put on the full armor of God so that when the day of EVIL comes you may be able to stand your ground; and after having done EVERYTHING to stand."

peachy,
Glad to read your post again. Now you have your family support, take your time for plan B. Get Steve involve and he will tell you when. For now just think of it that you are in plan A and take a bit vacation from it to gather your strength. <p> Please pray for him and for me. When praying for me, ask the Lord to empower me with discernment and strength.
We all need it and I always keep all of you in my prayer.<p> I feel that God is beginning to break through to him, and I am so very scared to take anything, any word or deed, for love. <p>Do not expect anything for you might be disappointed and hurt. Be strong, wait and let HIS work to be done. Meanwhile happy thanksgiving ... [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ November 21, 2001: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

I am new to this thread, but am in a similar situation. My husband filed for divorce about 2 months ago, and I moved back to my hometown (330 miles away) with our two daughters to be closer to friends and family. We were living in his hometown, and I had no family and very few friends. I am sure there is someone else in his life, but I don't know who. <p>We've been apart almost 6 weeks, and initially I didn't expect to hear from him, but he called 3 days after I had left. I truly thought my marriage was over, after battling for 3 years in the flesh. Then I came across a website called restorem.org (please go there after reading this post, it will change your life). I read the testimonies of how God had healed and restored troubled marriages, even those who had already divorced. After three weeks of separation I was ready to return home to my husband, to make things work. The only problem I have now, is finding a job back in his hometown. I have had a few interviews, and am waiting on a response.<p>I have not frantically called my husband to see what he is doing, or to check up on him, instead, I pray and journal daily, and I draw my strength from the Word and the "God can and will restore your marriage" handbook, which you can order off the restorem.org webite.<p>Things are looking good for you. But, I would advise you to be as available to your husband as much as possible. Let him see the changes in you. NEVER argue with him, always agree. And, one of the important things I've learned from this handbook, is not to get an attorney. I know this goes against what others have said, but trust in the Lord and He will provide you with what you need-do not trust in man!<p>I look forward to hearing how your thanksgiving went. I will post my story under "my story..my life".