Good morning,<p>Isn't it amazing how quickly things can change?<p>I'm reading this awesome book called Hope For The Separated by Gary Chapman. I think you might benefit from it if you're the reading type. It's Biblically geared towards wanting reconcilliation and what needs to be done for that to happen. One thing she must be ready to do is confess and repent and agree to counseling.<p>You are living separately and if she truly wants to work on the marriage I think you need to see actions before allowing her back home.<p>Keep us informed and don't lose sight of your goal!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ February 11, 2002: Message edited by: Free2BMe ]</p>

Yes, there definately will need to be some sort of compensation. We are living seperately but are both going to counseling. The problem we have with worknig on things is that she has SO many issues she has to work on first that she is not even emotionally stable enough to be in a relationship.<p>At times, it is like trying to understand the actions of teenagers. Her mom, my best friend, and the OMs wife all said that this is high school behavior. I just hope I can be patient enough to let her grow up emotionally.

In this book I'm reading (see above), it says that we love them more by letting them go to deal with their issues. I highly recommend the book!<p>Keep up the great work!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Gary Chapman is the author of Hope For The Separated.

We go to joint counseling for the first time (since most of this came to light) on Thursday (V-Day). It will be a very trying day for both of us so keep us in your prayers. I will be making a number of requests that will be necessary for me to get over my resentment and to start trusting her again (such things like an apology, a sign of remorse, putting me and our marriage first, and forgiving me for my part - she has not yet done so). She need not do this on Thursday as she may not be ready (or emotionally mature enough yet) to deal with it but it will be necessary before I invest any more time into the marriage.

Longing, <p>Sounds like a nice step in the right direction (the joint counseling). <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>such things like an apology, a sign of remorse, putting me and our marriage first, and forgiving me for my part - she has not yet done so<hr></blockquote><p>Keep giving her space and time to work this through and I think you may get what you want - it won't happen over night, as I think you know. I wish you continued success!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I definately plan to give her the time and space to decide on what I propose but I am adamant that I will no longer work on our marriage until she is ready to do necessary things to make it work. It simply is a waste of my time to do otherwise. She expects all this to just blow over in many ways and that simply cannot happen.<p>I will post my notes from Thursday's session on Friday for everyone's critique. I may be wrong in what I do but I am willing to live with that possibility at this point. My WW is no longer somone I like, much less love. I will need her help to get back to where I was.<p>Edit to clarify: I know you are supposed to dislike the behavior and not the person but at this point, from all the research I have done, I feel that these issues of hers are a part of her character. Part of who she is and not just simply behavior that can be changed like a habit.<p>[ February 13, 2002: Message edited by: Longing ]</p>

Well, I am happy to say that I am moving this topic to the In Recovery Forum. We have had a breakthrough! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]