Hi Guys,<P>It seems that Val and I are getting closer again after a small speed bump last week. Val must have told Brian about our plans to reconsile and he tried to talk her out of it. Nice try SFB. We are still making progress it's just going a bit slower. I should be happy.<P>Now my problem. I can see that putting some more effort into this we could get back together to work on the marriage. That's what I want...wanted. Now I am getting cold feet. <P>Is this what I want now? Do I really want to save the relationship? Was I just lonely? Should I get a dog? Did I just want to try to take her away from Brian? If there was no one else involved would I have tried so hard? Do I really love her or am I just in love with the idea of being in love?<P>I know there are many folks that would be happy to be making progress with the S. I'm not sure that I want to exert the effort and time needed to build a rock solid marriage with Val.<P>The depression I experienced earlier has been replaced with anger and maybe alittle hatred.<P><BR>I haven't been posting for awhile because I'm in a new place now and am not sure which way is up.<P>I must be FUBAR! <BR><P>------------------<BR>"It's not over till we say it's over! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? H*ll no!" Blutto...Animal House 1984<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic<P>

Medic, hon, you're just scared of getting burnt again, and you have good reason to be scared. Just try not to expect everything to be peachy-keen all at once, and go slowly.

Like I say to the kids.....I'm going to get the spanking spoon! Of course your in love with the idea of being in love. Who isn't. You don't want to give up. It's just another road block. Maybe your trying too hard and it is taking all the fun out of being married. Just relax......It is still the depression talking. Anger seems to come back alot. But use the anger to your advantage. Be angry that you are thinking about giving up. Be angry at the thought of being angry...but don't be angry at her anymore, or the situation. The angrier you are, the harder your heart gets, and the less that it feels it can love and even sadder, it can't feel the love someone else is giving you. Scrap the dog thing, being married to the love of your life is much more rewarding. I'm praying for you.<BR>Nancy

Medic,<P>Hang in there...<BR>When the going get tough...<BR>"bring in the stay-puffed marshmellow man"... <P>Oh wait a minute... wrong movie... <P>Honest...<BR>You can't mush out on us now... <P>Really hang tough!!!<BR>YOU CAN DO IT!!!!<P>Jim

Hi Sweatpea and Mental,<P>Getting back together with Val is the result that I wished and prayed for the last 9 months. I can be a great H now!<P>I kind of feel like a small child that wanted a certain toy so bad that I would die unless I got it. Now I have it and I'm playing with the box that it came in. Don't know if that makes sense.<P>Looks like I'm waffling if I want her to come back. This is too wierd, even for me.<P>Thanks Guys<P>Tim

Hey Jim,<P>Must have been posting at the same time.<P>I have been reading up on the progress you are making with Dr. H. Good deal man!<P>It seems that you have your head on straight now and mine is MIA.<P>If I could only find the gatekeeper or keymaster! <P>What the hell is a Carpathian anyway?<BR><P>------------------<BR>"It's not over till we say it's over! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? H*ll no!" Blutto...Animal House 1984<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic<P>

Sorry Medic,<BR>But that post was waffling it, real bad. You always have such great advice for everyone else and I have always enjoyed reading them. Cheer up!!!!! I know what you mean about the toy and the box. You seem to always want something you can't have. Keep your chin up.....you'll make it through the phase..<BR>Nancy

Oh no you don't, Mr. I'm not giving up on this marriage until I've been dead two years, and then we'll see!<P>Stop. Breathe. Do Nothing. <P>We all feel this way. I was just feeling this way two days ago, after a great Christmas w/ H. <P>Now, today, I feel different again. It's ok to want to feel in love. It's ok to think whatever you are thinking. This is he!! on wheels, friend. Your mind does weird things to you.<P>DONT GIVE UP. I for one, am not going to let you. You love her. She is starting to come out of her fog. Just take it as it comes. It will all make sense one day.<P>God Bless,<P>Cheryl

Medic,<P>It isn't the challenge that inspires you, truly it is Val. It is your memories. It is the dream that you had together. It was your future.<P>When you were facing divorce, you weren't just facing a life without Val, but you were trying to get a reaction. You needed the reaction because you wanted hope.<P>Now you have hope. You think about those hopes and dreams that got put on hold because of this entire nightmare. You can work towards those again. You can share them with Val. <P>Love isn't always a feeling, but a decision, and an action - because a commitment is there. You haven't lost, anything except some focus. You can have that back. <P>Do what you know is right, and don't follow your feelings.<P><BR>

Tim,<P>Hang in there man !! These are normal feelings, it is all part of coping with a loss.<P>Give yourself a little time, the anger will subside. Its probably just jealousy about SBF still in the picture. If Val is talking about him to you, you need to set a boundry and not have him as a topic of discussion.<P>Everybody here knows what you can do when you put your mind to it, all you have to do is remember that too!<P>Bob<P>------------------<BR>"You can't always get what you want! But if you try real hard,you might just find, you get what you need!"<BR>Mick Jagger<P>

Hey Mental, <P>It's not that I need to be cheered up. I'm in a GREAT mood! Both my kids are here for the weekend. I was happy before they came this week. The older one will be here until later January.<P>What has me concerned is that I am not sure I want Val to return to the home. I'm happy now and content with what life has given me. <P>Yeah, we always would sleep like spoons and I could feel her warmth. Now I just put on flannel jammies. Not the same effect but I'm not cold either.<P><BR>Cee Cee,<P>Yes, I may remember something about the two year dead thing. That's why I haven't been posting so much. My feelings of the reconsiliation have been going on for about a week or so. It's so close I could touch it...if I wanted to.<P>Maybe I'm coming out of the fog as well.<P><BR>Hi TNT,<P>I have absolutely no idea what the hell is going on in my small mind. Am I trying to hurt her by not being interested now? I hate to say it, but, I do love her. I'm just not in love with her now. She pretty much cashed out the love bank. Boy, does that sound familiar. Earlier I had such strong feeling for her I could have burst. I don't feel that way anymore.<P>This truly bites balony. See you all in the funny papers.<P>Tim

Wow, tnt! You've been incredible lately! I mean that sincerely. Fabulous advice!<P>tnt said: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Do what you know is right, and don't follow your feelings.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Remember, if you ignore what you know is right and go with your feelings, you'll be doing the same thing that Val did to you! How else can an affair be expressed but as a situation where the betrayer follows her feelings even though she knows it is NOT THE RIGHT THING TO DO?<P>Remember all of us who are wishing they were in your shoes, Medic ... don't let us down - we want another success story. <P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I believe in miracles...<P>

Hey Bob,<P>It's wierd. I know I could get her back if I tried. I just really don't know if I want her back now.<P>I'm at the point where I don't give a rats behind about her. I can't believe that I feel this way. I used to think of her every waking moment. That is not the case anymore.<P>I'm really starting not to care. I don't like it.<P><BR>Hi Terri,<P>Thanks for the no pressure. I know there are alot of our friends that would like to be in this situation where things are looking up. I have always looked to the future, any time in life not just the marriage thing, and have anticipated problems with a possible viable solutions. <P>My Dad used to say "I feel for ya, but, just can't reach ya!" Not sure if that's appropriate now but I like the way it sounds. Better than, "Ever dance with the Devil in the pale moonlight"<P>I'm on the short train to Nutport.<P> <P>------------------<BR>"It's not over till we say it's over! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? H*ll no!" Blutto...Animal House 1984<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic<P>

Ignore your feelings, Medic. <P>

Tim, You have worked hard for this and now. She has withdrawn everything and your love bank is ready to go into the deficit column. Now maybe the time to step back for awhile and see if she can make some deposits. Don't close down the bank just yet give her some time to make some deposits. You are scared of wha is going to happen. It is that big TRUST thing and I don't want to get hurt again. Just take a deep breath and don't do anything that you might WILL regret. {{{HUGS}}}<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Alls I can say is that I felt that way once. He was home, trying to work things out. When he first left, I thought fine, don't let the door hit you in the [censored]. Well I don't feel that way now. I would do anything to open that door back up. But it is locked for good. Now it doesn't feel so good. the door is locked, the key is lost and my heart is broken. Please, go back and read other posts from people who have felt the same way. I'm telling you it is just a phase. I know where you are coming from. Won't bother you anymore, I can't make you listen or take anyones advice. I have failed at that where it would have meant the most. Okay, fine, I'll try to cheer up because I am crying at the chance you have, that I will never have again. Sorry to say, but I think you are totally off base here<BR>Nancy

TNT,<P>I fear that I didn't have any feelings for the last 11 years. I never showed Val how I really felt about her. That I loved her more that life itself. I knew it in my heart. She never saw them in there.<P>I never get close to any of my patients. You can't if you want to treat and save them. Emotions get in the way of definitive care. I brought that same theory home with me. I am a very good prehospital care provider. I was not a good H though.<P>I most recently got in touch with my feelings. In my field you suppress your emotions. You can not imagine some of the horrible sights that I have subjected to over the last 21 years. <P>You have to be somewhat twisted to want to get into this profession.<P>It would be nice to get back together with Val. It's just not as high a priority as it once was.<P>Tim

Tim,<P>I bet I do know what you are talking about, as far as callousing and protecting your emotions - learning that from your line of work.<P>I've seen maybe not physical horror, but emotional horror - in working with refugees from Bosnia, Kosovo, Somalia, Iraq, etc. I've heard first hand stories that would make your toes curl, and then watched the injustice that our society in USA dishes out because they are "immigrants".<P>I have had to go home from work and leave a couple of families in the parking lot, with nowhere to go and not speaking our language, and after pleading with the only motel in 30 miles that was full.<P>I have seen children who were picked on, who confided in me stories that happened to them that you would not believe. (I worked in the school.)<P>I know about burying your emotions, and not responding or showing love the way you otherwise would. I did this. I many times got cynical with family members (including my husband) when they came whining with in my opinion some insignificant annoyance, compared to the problems I dealt with day in and day out.<P>I know what you mean.<P>Tim, it is wonderful that you are in touch with your feelings, but after not using them for so long - maybe you shouldn't act on them just yet. Use your head, and not your feelings.<P>Connie

Hey SDS,<P>Yes, this is what I have been working on for the last 9 months. So, I though.<P>OK, I can sit back and wait to see what happens. I'm not going anywhere anyway. I'm not interested in starting a new relationship for quite awhile.<P>You might be right about the trust issue. Val had said earlier that if I messed up, she may be compelled to call Brian again. Thanks for the confidence builder for real.<P>Thanks for the hugs. If you could only send a back rug too, that would be great.<P><BR>Hey Mental,<P>You are not bothering me in the least bit. I look to this forum for advice and friendship. I have gone through many phases before but not of this caliber. At the most a day or two, not for a week.<P>Nancy, I don't mean to make you feel sad or have you cry of your situation. No one wants to be here.<P>It seems that I am at the crossroads of reconsiliation or starting a new relationship. <P>Attempting to fix a broken marriage has no guarantees of time frame in which it will be repaired. Starting over with someone new has essentially the same but there is no baggage to be claimed.<P>I guess I'll sleep on it again.<BR><P>------------------<BR>"It's not over till we say it's over! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? H*ll no!" Blutto...Animal House 1984<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic<P>

Hey TNT,<P>I recall earlier posts that you were involved with refugees. A very noble cause. I take my hat off to you.<P>I had asked Val in the past to open her heart and soul to the love that I had to offer now. She had replied that her mind had total recall of the events prior. That was when I was a rotten H.<P>If she used her heart as guidance she would be back with me today. The mind told her to be careful.<P>I do have her love. Unfortunately, She remembers the way I used to be. Uncaring...distant...a jerk.<P>I took down the pictures of us on the refrigerator. They just hit me wrong.<P>Not sure what to do tomorrow other than maybe wake up.<P>Thanks friends,<P>2000 will be OUR year!<P>Tim