My husband and I have been together for 7 years and married for 5. We have two children, 3 yo and 7 week old. When we met he was still seeing this girl, Robin. She was 15 he was 18 at the time. Their relationship was never sexual. When we started dating he broke up with her and didn't speak to her for a couple of years. Then one day she called him, he asked me if I cared that he started talking to her again. She lived 1000 miles away so I said yes. They talked once a month or so and I was fine with that. Then when he was 21 he drove an 18 wheeler cross country. I went with him all of the time. Well I took a 1 week break to go visit my parents and he went to see her. The slept together, he was her first, he called me and told me that he wanted a divorce because he wasn't in love with me anymore and that he was still in love with her . They were together for about 3 months. Then he came home and he told me that he didn't want a divorce, because he realized being away from me that I was what he wanted. He said that he loved me more than he could ever love her. He still wanted to be friends with her. I told him that he had to choose one of us and that whichever one he chose, he could never see the other again. He chose me. Everything with us was fine. Then one day she did it again and she wrote him. Like an idiot I told him that I didn't care if they spoke on the phone or the internet as long as they never saw each other again. He said okay. About that time he enlisted in the military. It has been 3 years and of those 3 years we have been together for about 6 months. While we were apart he was talking to me on the phone or internet everyday and talking to her on the internet everyday. We have been living under the same roof once again now for 6 weeks. 2 weeks ago, he told me that he loves me but that he isn't in love with me anymore and that he thinks that he is still in love with her. He said that he wants to get a seperation so that he can see how things go with her. The night that he told me this I begged him to give us another chance and he refused. Since then we have been living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, and getting along just like we alays have. We talk about what will happen almost everyday. In a month and a half my kids and I will be moving 1500 miles away to my hometown to be with my family. Robin, the OW, still lives about 1000 miles away. Does anyone have any advice for me on how I can win him back when he refuses to even try again. I love him so much and I don't want to lose him. One more thing, he didn't tell me that he wanted a divorce until I saw one of her emails and she called him Baby. I told him that I knew that she was still in love with him and that I didn't want him to have any contact at all with her and that is when he told me that he wanted a seperation. I am sorry that this is so long, but I can't stop crying and it is hard for me to think straight right now. I am desperate to keep my family together, can someone please help me????? Is there any hope for us to get back toghether???????
Thank You

Yes, there is hope. First try to find out his EN (emotional needs) and try to meet them. Read Plan A, and keep reading posts. It's not over until it is over. OW is freedom from responsibility. I will pray for you.

you need to read the book Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson, also Surviving an Affair.

Your posting says that you want to save your marriage. Good for you!! In the midst of a difficult situation, you've have a decision to honor your commitment to your marriage and husband. You should be proud of yourself!! (I know you probably don't feel that way now but it's true...) <p>Your husband (WS), however, doesn't want to stop seeing the other woman (OW) and has threatened to move out. Unfortunately, if he wants to move out, you cannot control that. You've asked him to stop seeing the OW and apparently, he's refused for now. <p>Did you ask him if understood the consequences of his decision to not stop seeing her? Of course, the answer is that you will eventually divorce and he will lose his marriage and family. If this fact is not enough to change his mind about OW, I don't know if anything will. <p>Please read about Plan A and decide if you can follow it. If you can, part of Plan A would be to stop begging him to stay and talking everyday about what will happen to your marriage. It might take a few days before you can successfully stick to it because it's not easy at first but please try it if only for yourself! It will improve the time you spend together at home, believe me. (Plus it surprises the heck out of WS!)<p>Part of Plan A is setting a deadline for WS to decide if he wants to give up OW and work on marriage. You seem to have already set one: a month and a half from now, your posting indicated that you will be moving out. How long you decide to follow Plan A is a personal decision but once you move out, I think that you have implemented Plan B. However, only you know what's best for you and your family...<p>I wish you luck.

First of all, I would like to thank everyone for the advice. I also have a question. Will plan A work if my husband refuses to try? We are living together, and everything is just like it was before all this happened but he says that that isn't going to make his feelings change. He refuses to try. We haven't talked about splitting up in a few days and I think everything is getting better. He still want tell me he loves me. He call the OW from our house. He goes outside to talk to her but I still know it is her and it still hurts. He has started talking to her less, instead of talking to her on the internet every night, he only calls her once a week.

Your husband doesn't have to try to do anything under Plan A. He merely has to stop seeing OW by your deadline (and you don't even have to tell him that there's a deadline).<p>If he does decide to stop seeing OW, then Plan A ends and you and he are starting recovery.<p>If he doesn't, then you go to Plan B. <p>Plan A is for YOU!! From your posting, it has already improved your homelife and the time you spend with your husband. But you have your limits too and those are built into Plan A through the deadline. (Without the deadline, your husband would be free to carry on both his affair and his marriage indefinitely. This cannot possibly be acceptable to you.)<p>Your husband's words and his behavior are not going to make sense right now because he's in the midst of his affair. He's sort of insane. Treat him as such and try not to let anything he says or does affect you too much.<p>Some of the best advice I read on this website was in another posting relating to a spouse in this same situation. I copied it and clipped it to my computer. Here it is:<p>"I'd tell you not to bother thinking about him or trying to figure him out, but there's no one yet who's been able to implement that advice. I'll give it none-the-less. It's futile to think you have any control over his behavior or to try to interpret anything he does. Until he comes to you with 1) geniune remorse; 2) a commitment to end things with the OW; and 3) a desire to understand what went wrong and learn from it (implementation of the extraordinary measures, openness, and acceptance of your feelings), you have nothing of value. Best of luck."<p>I hope this helps. Please keep us posted.<p>[ May 06, 2002: Message edited by: greatentertainer ]<p>[ May 07, 2002: Message edited by: greatentertainer ]</p>

It has been about a month since H told me about his confusion. We are seperated but living in the same house, his idea, everything has been fine. We are doing better now than before i found out. I know I am trying but so is he. He says that he isn't but I can tell that he is different. I decided to stay longer than the month I had originally stated. Well last night he tells me that OW has sent him a round trip ticket to go see her for 5 days. I didn't ask him not to go, I just told him that I didn't want him to go very calmly. Which is odd for me because when he first told me about this i cried for days. I haven't cried around him since the night it all happened. Well this morning he is acting even more different. He has only been at work for 3 hours this morning and has called me twice just to say Hi! About a month after he gets back from seeing OW he is going overseas for about 30 days. I don't know whether I should leave if he goes to see her or if I should wait and see how everything is when he gets back from overseas. I'm thinking I want to stay, but again I am confused. I haven't told my family or friends about this so I have no one to talk to and I need to vent more than anything. But any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

Alexisn1999 - <p>While reading your thread, I see that several people suggested Plan A. I didn't see if they suggested reading "Surving an Affair".<p>You should read this ASAP. It helps make sense of this situation. I seriously doubt your H is in love with OW. Simply, the "grass is greener". With her, he has no reality, no stress, etc. Most affairs are not reality based. In fact, most dissipate less than 6 months after seeing the light of day.<p>It is interesting to read this book and realize that almost every relationship seems to go through the same stages. (It helped me anyway.)<p>Read as much as you can for knowledge is power. And work on your relationship with God. I am not a "Bible Thumper", but it has helped with my stress level tremendously.