I am on my fifth day of plan b and today has been real hard. The feeling of being alone is just so intense, the feeling that all hope for 'us' to ever happen again is not there. To not be able to pick up the phone and talk to her, to not have her show up in a few hours and have a nice meal with you . . . help fellow builders . . give me words of hope . . words of inspiration to help me make it through this tough time.

tofu<p>hang in there!
With time you will heal
I am right there where you are and can relate the pain, just try to calm down your emotions and do different things, go to the GYM, Swim, do something physical so you get tired and passed out...<p>I have had my share of sleepless nights since last 6 months and I know what you are going thru...<p>keep patience and you will be fine...
Don't you think these WW of ours should just shoot us instead of doing this to us...<p>I am tired and sick!!!! but will survive!<p>TheLion
<strong>I am on my fifth day of plan b and today has been real hard. The feeling of being alone is just so intense, the feeling that all hope for 'us' to ever happen again is not there. To not be able to pick up the phone and talk to her, to not have her show up in a few hours and have a nice meal with you . . . help fellow builders . . give me words of hope . . words of inspiration to help me make it through this tough time.</strong>[/QUOTE]

Hey... I'm on day 7.<p>I know it's very, very hard. I hate this. I started out quite well, but it's been getting a bit harder with time... I think it's... withdrawal!! (go figure!)<p>But I keep reminding myself that I have a greater purpose here... and so do you.<p>That's because we know we need to be doing this to save our M's... many others have succeeded. We can't second guess ourselves anymore... it's too late for that... we tried our best at Plan A... it's time to move on to a proactive approach, namely Plan B... let's not question ourselves to death.<p>And let me tell you... you think you're feeling bad right now? Your WS is feeling probably worse... not only do they STILL have their guilt to bear, but now have to experience withdrawal on top of that... don't let their cold, calm demeanor (or tacit acceptance of your Plan B NC) fool you - they're in turmoil.

Hello J.R.:<p>I agree with you that they are in turmoil, but who is to blame, OK lets agree for a minute that we were not meeting their EN's what about our EN's we did not go out and did what they did ? We believed in M and were committed to it.<p>What pisses me off is they could have talked to us and if still it was not working get out of the M and do whatever you want but do not HURT fellow human beings and the ones you have loved for so many years like this... My HEART is torn apart...<p>It really hurts to describe and write these notes... But well we all have to breathe and survive, hang in there fellows...<p>TheLion

I can't say I am feeling much better but I have not cried in a few hours!! I did go the gym and the pool! I also read for awhile by the pool. That was a nice escape. Although the pool brought back a lot of nice memories of 'us'. We had some very nice moments in that pool.
Tomorrow should be a better day. I am getting a uhaul and taking most of my furniture out of the apartment. A week from today I will be out of town. I will head to my parents and tell them everything. I think it is time I cry on mommy's and daddy's lap. I need their support and I am tired of hiding this from them in hopes of protecting and saving my marriage. If plan B succeeds and we somehow manage a marriage after this, I want one based on truth and of course radical honesty.

tofu,<p>You are doing great ~ hang in there!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I was just reading about a WS on just found out. . I think her name was Sparkle. She sounded just like my wife but seemed really eager to make the M work. I cried . . and cried. . . hoping and wishing my W had figured out what Sparkle had realized. Plan B continues. . .

Tofu please consider going to a doctor to have anti-depressants prescribed to you. Willard Harley recomends this to many a BS to help him/her positively deal with the depression that often has very debilitating effects on their physical,mental health and work performance.<p>In the meantime still strive to continue improving yourself as a human beign. You may be in plan B but that doesn't mean that you should abandon all the the MB principles like avoiding love busters. You can practice this with the other people in your life so that if and when she comes back to you to work on the M, you will be an expert in avoiding love busters.

tofu:<p>Also, when you tell your parents what happened, be sure and tell them all about what you're doing with MB stuff here. I think it's pretty hard for family members that haven't shared this kind of experience to be very helpful to those in the thick of it. But if you tell them about MB principles and what plan A and B are about, I think they'll be proud of you. <p>...and that will only help you feel even better about your plan B.

Thanks everyone for your help. God sent some help from an old old friend who called me tonight. I hadn't talked to him to much this year because I didn't really feel comfortable talking about my screwed up life with friends. I wanted to protect people's image of my WW. Well, tonight I let him know everything and it was nice to feel the love from an old friend.
2Long I was thinking of giving them a copy of His needs, Her needs as well, what do you think?<p>Coffee man I did talk to my therapist about anti-depr but she thought that I did not need them. There are a few times where I do get a bit overly emotional but I am feeling overall fairly well. And yes I am an MB'er for life! This stuff is absolutely wonderful. May be I should get a copy of his needs her needs for all my married friends and relatives???
Well, I hope tomorrow I will feel better and not have any relapses.

tofu:<p>After what I'm going through and seeing just how ignorant most people are of the dangers of having As, I 've said many times that I think people should promise to get into therapy when they start dating and stay in it while M'd. Maybe that much isn't necessary, but it's at least 16 orders of magnitude more than I ever had.<p>By all means, get your friends and relatives copies of HNHN! Great book! I made the point of telling my daughter (who I told of the A because I had been about to throw my W out - but didn't!) that her mother is not to be thought of as a "bad person" for what she did. That I still love her very much. I explained what I was doing with MB, and even invited her to check out the forum (even told her my login name), but I also told her that if she has problems dealing with this that she should get into counseling herself FIRST, talk to me about it SECOND (because I wasn't always together at the time), and NOT talk to her friends or cousins about it because they wouldn't understand all that's involved. She's been doing very well since that conversation.

Dear Tofu:
I am starting Plan B on Sunday when my H returns from visiting his father who is dying. I just found out that my H took his girlfriend with him to meet his family. I was shocked, so was his family. He hardly spent time with his father who is in the hospital. I am deeply saddend by his behaviour but I now have the strength to start Plan B. We all have to be here for each other. MB makes so much sense to me. Keep the strength, I am here also through this tough time... Kim...

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> What pisses me off is they could have talked to us and if still it was not working get out of the M and do whatever you want but do not HURT fellow human beings and the ones you have loved for so many years like this... My HEART is torn apart... <hr></blockquote><p>Boy do I know that feeling! My WW and I had no children. Yet she maintained the 2 year long A, all the while staying here like nothing was ever wrong. Still, I can't for the life of me think how in this world a person can do that for 2 years, and maintain their composure in the marriage. I really don't think I could. I would HAVE to get out, especially with no kids.<p>The one thing that really irks me, to this day, is the answer she gave me when I asked her why she just didn't leave when she "knew" she wanted the OM. Her response?<p>"Well..you know how good-hearted I am (she was in a sense), and I just couldn't bear to hurt you!<p>What???? Come again???? I don't think I heard what you said. My hearing must be getting bad...<p>To this day, she STILL maintains that is the reason. And actually BELIEVES it!<p>Go figure....Like leaving me was more hurtful than the A.<p>Now...I have to deal with the A, the lies, the betrayal, and the high possibility of her being gone since she filed for Dv.<p>Would have much rather just dealt with the emptiness of her leaving....<p>
hcii

Wow hcii! It is amazing the stuff these WW come up with. Mine said the same thing to me several times through her year long A. I don't want to hurt you blah, blah, blah. . . <p>2long- I did bring HNHN home and the family seemed not too interested in it. My bro-in-law said we don't have nothing to worry about right hon . . Puhleeeze that is what we all thought. The big male ego strikes again. . I wish I had been more affectionate etc. . .during my M than may be I still might have my wife still. However, at this point I am leaning more and more to "bye I never want to see you again!"<p>Moving forward good luck on plan B!
The first week is hard but after that things really improve. Without the WS calling all the time and visiting etc. . you can start, well, moving forward. And doing the things that will make you happy. <p>I did receive an email from my WW four days ago which was on Day 11 of plan B telling me about her doctor visit where she saw an ultrasound of OM kid in her belly! Here are some salt in your wounds honey! She said it was the most thrilling moment in her life and she just had to share it with me! Arghhhhhhhhhhhhh that really pisses me off!

tofu:<p>"I did receive an email from my WW four days ago which was on Day 11 of plan B telling me about her doctor visit where she saw an ultrasound of OM kid in her belly! Here are some salt in your wounds honey! She said it was the most thrilling moment in her life and she just had to share it with me! Arghhhhhhhhhhhhh that really pisses me off! "<p>GEEZUSS! Man, this is what I call "recreational cruelty!" Have you thought about blocking your W from emailing you? I think I'd be tempted, after a remark like that. I feel for you, man. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi tofu:<p>We are all with you man, the remark would have really killed me, it hurts bad, man...<p>Hang in there, as long as we all are breathing I guess we will survive....<p>Get out of this mess tofu, that is waht i am planning... move on and deal with this a fresh.<p>thelion

tofu
I'm with you I'm 8days into plan B no contact, I told him not to phone the children(he's military and think he's on exercise) but that he could write- which he hasn't done so far!!
He honestly thinks the grass is greener ,, his mother told him to go and try it and for me to get on with my life!! not what i wanted to hear but she is on my side.
I wait for each car that goes by the house and each time the dog barks in case he has changed his mind.H rang his friend inthe village last wednesday to ask how i was,, The friend said he was very down( H said that) and there were gaps of 15 secs between the conversation. I just hope the fog is clearing..
To have your predicament i wouldn't know what to do .I will pray for you all.

I'm in day 5 of plan B. It's all about patience... I thought I was a very patient person, but, this is teaching me the true sense of the word.<p>We can hang in there together. We have a lot of support behind us! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

To all plan B-ers
Look after yourself, your children.
I have started to declutter each room so that when h comes back we will have more time together--less plants to water, ornaments to clean etc
and IF he doesn't come back well you'll have less time doing housework as i'll be enjoying life and my children.....

Yes, today I went on a google search. I typed in the word divorce. I found two sites that will handle all my divorce paperwork for 249.00. I am starting to lean more towards the get out while you can. I've never been the give up type but it just seems like this will be the best thing. To think I would be happy to hear about her [censored] child, how selfish is that. I was really willing to raise that child if she was willing to rebuild under MB principles but there is no hope of that anywhere near. It is really hard to completely move on when you are in fact still married. Cutting her off completely, divorce and blocking her emails etc. . is quite difficult but it may be the wisest thing I have ever done. It hurts for me to think of these things about my own wife.