TJS,<p>I you only just gave her the Plan B letter, I think you need to proceed very slowly here. I don't know what you should do but I will tell you what I would do and what I would be thinking if I were you. So take this as not telling you what to do but what I would do in your situation.<p>The first thing I would do is order my priorities. My number one priority would be to the children. They need food, clothing, love, education, etc. You W cannot and probably will not provide those for them. So far she has gotten other men to do that: you and the OM so far. <p>So I would go for custody. Next I would go for a legal separation and perhaps file for divorce if your state doen't have legal separation. Not because you don't love her, but because you cannot raise your children if you are bankrupt and in jail. You need to protect yourself and your children from her. She clearly won't protect anyone but herself.<p>If you did the former step, I would make any chance of coming home, reconcilling, or stopping the divorce contingent on her getting deep and serious counseling. Her handling of money, her affair, her neglect of the children via her financial decisions indicate serious issues that Plan A or Plan B cannot address. If she is willing to do this THEN AND ONLY THEN would I let her back into my life.<p>You notice I haven't said a word about you loving her or her loving you. Why? Because there are more important issues here. If something drastic doesn't change your children are likely to become wards of the court and living with foster parents.<p>Am I scaring you? I hope so. Stay in Plan B, protect yourself from her financially, and then only after you see that the OM is truely out of the picture (she must prove that), and she has sought treatment for her issues as manifested by the handling of money would I consider taking her back. Well, I stand corrected. I might consider it if she did end things with OM,and I controlled all of the money and spending. She would have an allowance, no checks, no credit cards. If that bothered her, she wouldn't be back.<p>Sounds pretty harsh doesn't it? I am sorry but this is a harsh situation. There are children being terribly messed over because of her behavior and that situation must be fixed before you can even hope to fix your marriage. So stay with plan B until she can PROVE that OM is gone. Then address the financial issues.<p>I truely hope that the courts will not do the usual give the children to Mom stunt here. Your W should not have them right now, clearly you should, but you must get her out of your financial situation. You simply must be any means possible.
If there is anything a father is supposed to do, it is to provide for his family and you cannot do it with her in the picture.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Thanks, everyone, for your input.
Orchid, thanks for reading this and, as always, you have good advice.

JL, I appreciate you coming to my rescue. Everything you said makes so much sense. I have already done some of those things already.

I talked to my attorney 2 or 3 weeks ago about filing for custody, and that's what I'm working on now. I was told that regardless of how careless she is with her finances, it isn't as much an issue in custody as the fact that she is taking them to OM's house and exposing them to this affair directly... and our divorce isn't even final. I was told by my attorney that even if I lose the custody battle, there will be a stipulation in the divorce that no man can be there between 10pm to 8am when my kids are around. That will be in effect until she gets married. So, if she wants to live with this OM, she will have to give up custody. This should throw a wrench in the gears.

You also spoke about me filing for a divorce. She already filed last October. It was delayed for a long while because of my stock options being a part of our "mutual' property. Then, I filed bankruptcy last month. It will cause the divorce to be put on hold until the bankruptcy is discharged, which will be another 3 months or so. In the mean time, any bills that she creates before the divorce hearing, and decides not to pay will fall back on me.

So, here's my dilema... do I try to speed up the divorce to protect myself from her unpaid bills, or continue to pursue the custody issue? If I do get custody, then I won't be able to take a job out of the state unless she agrees, and I'm not so sure if she'll be agree to that... unless she has broken things off w/ OM, which in that case, I think she would be willing to move there too.

Another problem... what if she does end the A, and shows remorse, and wants to come back home, and by then she will have such a huge finacial problem, I don't know if I could even bail her out. So, I need to finalize the divorce to protect myself financially. I suppose it doesn't matter if we reconcile or not, the divorce must go through. But, then I wouldn't be "saving our marriage".

So, the kids come first, right? I mean, I should continue to pursue custody. Then go ahead and go through with the divorce, regardless of reconciliation or not. It seems like such a bad picture any way I see it. Even if I want to keep my marriage, I really can't... and I must take the kids, regardless of the damage it will do to my potential relationship w/ my W. It seems that no matter what I do, I will not be able to have my W back.

She has put us in such a messed up situation that's going to cost me a lot of money, and no doubt, more pain. It seems like I can't win.

<small>[ June 28, 2002, 08:20 PM: Message edited by: thejohnsmith ]</small>

TJS,<p>I think you need to understand several things. Even if you divorce it may not be over between you two. It may come to pass that she is willing to give you control over the finances and rebuilt the
marriage, she may decide to go to counseling and get help for her issues.<p>The reality is that you can control none of these things, and right now she is not in the rebuilding business, so what is left? It is kids first, protecting yourself financially and through that your children. Your W can lose custody because of her financial issues. If you divorce and she blows money and cannot pay for a place for them to stay or food for them to eat, then she can lose the children.<p>As for the other issues, I haven't a clue how to advise you. My suggestion would be one step at a time. At each step make the best decision you can, there seems to be no other way in situations like this. <p>Finally, surely there must be a way for you to protect yourself before the divorce is final. I think you need to speak to another attorney and see what he/she has to say.<p>Hang in there good things can happen, you just have to realize that you don't control them. Just your actions and decisions can be controlled by you. Must go.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Thanks, JL. <p>You're right... I have no control over most of this. She's digging herself in a huge hole, and I don't think she's going to be able to get out, with or without my help. <p>It's really frustrating and aggravating. <p>Thanks for the support.

BTW, why am I just a "junior" member?

Hi TJS,<p>When you post over 32 posts your title will change. <p>Don't worry keep a postin' it'll come. LOL!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>L.

Okay, this makes post #15...<p>almost half-way there.

I've been looking over the books that are available on MB. I've read many book titles being tossed around. Could someone recommend 1 or 2 to get me started? Which one(s) would be appropriate to give my WW (in case she wants to take the time to read whenever she's not w/ OM [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] )?

Hi TJS,<p>TAke your question over to GQII. I recommend surviving an affair (just leave it in a place she will find it - but maybe out of the way of others - like kids). If you ask the WS wives, they may have suggest others for you to consider. Remember these are suggestions with no guarantees. Too much fog to predict every outcome! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>L.

Okay, I started Plan B just 4 days ago and stated in my letter that there should be NO MORE CONTACT between the 2 of us until she dumps OM and decides to work on our M. But she called me twice Thurs, twice Fri, didn't call me yesterday (saturday) because she was w/ OM until this morning, but already called me AND came over to my house this morning before noon. How can I do Plan B when she keeps calling me and coming over? <p>When she came over this morning, she wanted me to watch our boys so she can have some time alone and think. When she saw me, she started crying. I started small talk with her, assuming that it would be best. But I didn't tell her that she shouldn't be over here. She wasn't over very long when when she said she better go and started walking away. I said good-bye, and she waved w/out turning around. <p>I'm not sure about how to handle this Plan B. Maybe I should be less available? Should I keep reminding her that she shouldn&#8217;t be contacting me, or should I take the opportunity to slip in a few ENs while she&#8217;s thinking about all this? How am I supposed to be in Plan B when she keeps calling me or coming over! Is it okay to keep talking to her if she initiates it? But it seems like I'm defeating the purpose of Plan B.<p>AARRRGGGG... !!! Help me&#8230; I&#8217;m melting&#8230;<p> [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ June 23, 2002: Message edited by: thejohnsmith ]</p>

TJS,<p>I don't want you to melt unless it is too hot out there. Ice cream melts, ice melts but people we just sweat!!!! <p>Ok, now let's keep this bumped to the top and see if JL or others respond. Plan B is about u separating to protect your love from her destructive attacks. <p>So, if you are the one holding back then you are doing a good plan B. I know this sounds confusing but her actions are just want U want to see. U are actually meeting her needs by <p>1. watching the boys so she can have sometime alone. <p>2. listening to her cry. <p>This is the beginning. As you get stronger in plan B, you will learn to:<p>1. Watch the boys on your schedule and let her suffer or rearrange hers. Let her not dictate your schedule for her convenience. <p>2. Listen to her cry will be on hold until she can show appreciation for you and have the OM out of YOUR life and all who you associate with. This can be gently put to her like: "I love you but can't take your crying right now, it is too painful for me. " When she asks then where am I to take my pain? Shrug your shoulders. <p>That is reality slapping her in the face. Hard and hurts but it is a healing step. <p>That is my opinion. Now don't melt. Help is on the way. It is the weekend and a bit slow around here. Please have a bit of patience with us. OK? <p>Whatcha doing with the boys??? I am going to take my son bike riding. Hope I come back in 1 piece. LOL!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>L.<p>[ June 23, 2002: Message edited by: Orchid ]</p>

Orchid
Once you wrote about your plan to cause WS an OM to LB each other. How did you do that? My W says she is "thinking", but she does it at OM's house. How is she supposed to be thinking about things if OM is there to influence her? But if they LB each other while she is there, it would work in my favor.

Hi TJS,<p>Actually it is an A tatic in reverse. U see in order to prolong the A, the Ws and OP have to make the BS look bad. In my case the WS told some truth and lies so I looked awful. On top of that this OW had an active imagination so she was able to paint me to be the most horrible W and mother on the face of this planet..... or so she thought. <p>Well when the WS decided to come back to his family, the OW on the phone kept saying: "remember what you said about L, how bad she is and how good I am, remember how bad she is blah blah blah....."<p>Anyway, I did some digging into the OP and found questionable things. US search is a good place to start. Costs a penny but I dug up some stuff that allowed me to put some doubt as to the OW's character into the WS' mind. <p>Also, I pushed the WS toward the OP so that the OP was the one who had to fill all the WS' ENs. The OP was not qualified. I took the gamble that the OP was a selifsh person also and not always willing to give everything to the WS. I played on both their greed and then in the midst of that did the 180 spin and sent the WS out the door. Made the OP wonder what I was up to. <p>I wanted all to wonder so that I could find out more stuff. Kinda got like a game after a while and eventually, I stopped playing and just decided that I no longer wanted to deal with the OP in my life. <p>Then I started setting my personal boundaries and found that I was getting stronger. <p>All in all, that worked for me. Can't guarantee it for everyone but it may be worth considering. Also I was eventually able to throw that stupid logic back to the WS (use their own words against them. Leaves a bad taste with the WS and the OP doesn't always know what hit them!!! LOL! Figuratively speaking of course. <p>Mind games? Yes. Of the best Anti-A kind!<p>L.

Hey, Orchid, if you are still reading my thread here, I posted a new on called "This is good... right?". Maybe you can give me some insight on my most recent development. I'm a little nervous...

<small>[ June 28, 2002, 08:21 PM: Message edited by: thejohnsmith ]</small>