Good, never take them personaly otherwise your LB$ will be drained so fast. There is nothing you could do other than wait until they came out of the fog ... on their own. I know this is suck but this is a curved ball throwed to us in our journey.

Hang in there, Ben.
-RH-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by redhat:
<strong>There is nothing you could do other than wait until they came out of the fog ... on their own.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You see thou' the A has been over since March and yet there's little progress, she's been ill much the whole year with child abuse stuff but do you still think she is in a Fog? She doesn't talk about missing OM at all, in fact hasn't talked much bout him since March.

I think we are in some sort of screwed up recovery <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by The Running Man:
<strong>I think we are in some sort of screwed up recovery <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Could both of you get Steve or Jennifer to coach ?. When A ends and M still in limbo, both of you are in danger of bunkrupting LB$ !. If OM persue W, he might get her back again. Get a third party to mediate the problem.

-RH-

We cant get ionto MC bcos her doctors believe that the Abuse Counselling needs to be handled first and that this whole lot would be waaay to much pressure for her.

I tend to agree but it's not making it any easier for me. I'm just trying to be the best I can and take care of hers and my needs as best I can.

Ben.

I did pretty good last night. I knew something was bothering her, she'd spoken to my brother earlier in the day.

She'd said stuff to him about being confused bout what she wanted over and I thought this was a little weird. But she told me that she was just a bit low that point in the day and was much better now. I asked if she wanted to discuss what my brother said, she asked what he had said. I told her and she got a little quiet particularly when I said that she had said "she was afraid of hurting me more". I don't know what that means. She became quiet so I said did she want to talk another time that this was hard right now? She said yes so I left it at that.

I got some personal time in on the evening out in the yard with the basketball and later that night she was more attentive and touchy as if nothing happened. Ben.

The Running Man,

You are not in recovery but you are in plan A ... A ended but there is no commitment to work on M.
About MC ... as usual, if SO is not available for MC, most of us get help to plan A from Steve or Jennifer individually. Actually MC could help her out in her IC on abused. What more you could have from working & feeling being loved more than having undivided care & protection from SO ?. You know better the situation but I tend to beleive that it will help your W.
-RH-

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Redhat that's a hard one to swallow. I perhaps had been thinking that we were in recovery <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I have been getting Plan A counselling that's why my ill advised bad Plan A is now a much better Plan A. I feel I am doing good in it right now despite her having massive mood swings from one extreme to another.

What practically should I be looking for in a "committment from her to work on M"? Because I may have already had that discussion but missed/ignored it?

Ben.

Dear Ben,

A is ended ... PA or EA w/ OM but your W still not convinced yet that this M could be "fix" ... she is mad to the current situation ... even probably to herself too. You have a chance to show her that this could work out ... so you are in plan A. I know this is suck but listen ... listen ... listen to her complaint !!!. Apologize what you have done wrong and states actions that you have done or actions that you are willing to "fix" it ... Avoid the excuse and don't engage or debate it with her ... say anything to move on to diferent subject or you could tell her that you disagree but both of you are adult and could agree to disagree !. Ben, she needs you the most right now ... affirm your love to her at all chances you have. She had been searching for "happiness" but didn't find it on you neither on OM ... she has to find it within herself ... hopefully with your help <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . You have to let her come on her own term ... THERE IS NO RECOVERY UNTIL BOTH OF YOU WILLINGLY TO WORK ON M.

Print out trueheart's letter to WS and give it to her, let her know that you have been learning about MB and your situation is not unique ... let her know that you love her and willing to do anything to rebuild and having better & fulfilling M. Let her know that there are many couples that pass through the same road and end up in happier M in recovery ... Let her know that you don't want your M before A since that one is prone to A ...

Hang in there, Ben. -RH-

Thanks RH, actually I have printed out Trueheart's letter and she has read it. I think there is a committment to our M, just that she has not vocalized it as such. She has said she "want's to be with me".

Ben.

Ben ... <======== <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ==========>

This is the time to show how deep your love is and it will go along way ... keep chipping bit by bit and hope one of this day her wall will crumbling down. 'Till then have a lot of patience and do nothing ... i.e no LB'ed.

-hxk-

Thanks RH. She is away now upstate til Sunday, but she keeps ringing me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am pretty settled now. I am also making sure that I don't get drawn into her rollercoaster of emotions.

When she is really low I stay calm and when she is showing signs of being happy I don't read to much into it. Then when she comes crashing down I'm still OK.

I'm gonna concentrate on getting some time for myself this weekend. Ben.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by The Running Man:
<strong>When she is really low I stay calm and when she is showing signs of being happy I don't read to much into it. Then when she comes crashing down I'm still OK.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ben, I would like to sugest slightly different version of your post ... "When she is really low I stay calm and when she is showing signs of being happy I don't read to much into it. Then when she comes crashing down I'll be there to help her & comfort her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ".

-take care-

Thanks RH,

Actually I have had very good times these last few days and she is beginning to open up and be much more positive.

I am worried though that it will crumble, it's almost like I am expecting something to go wrong after days of being good avoiding LB'ing, her good time at her Aunt's etc. It's almost like I am afraid to have a good time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Ben.

Ben,
Try to hold yourself in LB'ed ... don't judge, don't expect anything ... I know it is hard but this is the only way to let her work her way out from the fog.
-RH-

I know RH. It is a real strain for some reason. I thought after she went away at the end of last week she'd have a bit of a rest and be a little stronger. Doesn't seem like it.

It's hard work when she talks and you know you don't have any answers. I just listen and try and validate like the abuse books say, but I'm no therapist. I don't see any change in her after the therapy she is having twice a week at top $$$. Guess I just have to keep going.

This sounds bad but I'd like advice on. She wants SF but I am so drained and concerned that I often think "Jeez I don't know if I can do this". SF is a major EN for me though and I think it's up there on her list. But of course the abuse has tainted her view of sexual activity and sex within relationships. So I feel kinda stuck. No doubt it helps her show she loves me as well as a tension releaver for us both, she gives me so little in return for what I do right now that it seems harsh to feel this way?

Ben.

Ben,

Plan A is forever ... for now is suck 'cause you are doing all the work and get a bit in return (some of us get nothing). However when you are both on the same page, both of you will learn how to give & take to create fulfilling M.
W/ SF ... you have to fill in and viagra might help. Let her give whatever she could, how little she could ... for woman giving SF is about showing "love" ... she has a choice not to. Many WH will be willing to give anything to stay in your shoes ... count on your blessing and have a lot of patience. Get IC to help you to deal w/ her abuse ... even going to her IC for yourself.

-Take Care- RH

Thanks Redhat,

I have been doing IC on her abuse and my wellbeing for awhile now.

I want the light at the end of the tunnel, bit it's switched off at the moment, I want to stride down there and switch it on myself but I have to do all these things on her timeframe. Even as BS I don't get to choose my recovery, I seem to have zero control over it.

Is there any ways in which I can view SF as a positive thing from her? Any ladies or WS's comment? How do I do it and not think Huh? You'll do this but you don't say I wanna be with you or I love you?

Ben.
The best way out is always through.

Ben,

I am not ladies nor WS ... LOL !!!. No Coment ... only one thing about SF. I prefered make love not only have sex. If sex is there then you could ignite "love making" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ... it is impossible the other way around.

You 've learned to let her comes out on her own, that is good. You might be able to interfere but you might never get fulfilling relationship later. Our goal is not to save this M but to plow the path to fulfilling M, the one that full of care & protection. Just have faith ... many had been travel your path.

-RH-

RH,

Her interest seems to have tailed off now anyways. I spent some time talking to her gently as she asked about helping me which is something of a first. She is afraid of coming here for help and just I think wants to brush the A under the carpet. The abuse is the focus and I understand that too.

Thankfully in all our conversations recently she hasn't reverted to the abusive comments which is something. Ever onward eh?

Ben.

Ben,

Wait in patience and just listen to her complain ... remember venus most of the time just want martian to listen and not to solve the issues. Hold on your anger, you know what is the cause. Make it safe for her to open up ... meanwhile just affirm you love for her. If her top ENs is affection ... gave her love notes, hugs and a lot of detail attentions. You could fight this Ben ... you are on the right track.

Thank for you post to wrongout ... it will help you out to focus on somthing other than your own and help others in the process <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

-RH-