This is my first post. I have been snooping around the site for about a month. My d-day was 4/26/02. I had no clue. WH told me on 4/1/02 that he was having doubts. On 4/26/02, during a fight I said "Is there someone else" He responded "Yes". He has said all the typical things and this site has really helped me to dismiss his comments like "I don't know if I ever really loved you", "I love you but I'm not in love with you" etc. He only admits to an EA and I'm not sure if I believe him. Unfortunately, I found out about Plan A after we jointly decided that my WH needed to move out. That was a month ago. I am helping him move into his apartment on Saturday. He says that we will continue to work out together a couple nights a week and we have agreed to date.

However, I keep LB'ing. He says that he is confused and needs to be alone to figure things. That we both need to figure out what is going to make us happy. He asks if I think he wants to divorce and says that the best thing that could happen is for us to figure out that we will be happy together. However, he believes that he can see both of us and make a decision that way. And here's my LB. I can stop asking him why he won't try to give us a chance. If he wants us to make it, why can't he concentrate on us instead of OW. I try not to and am getting better - less frequent. I plan on trying to continue Plan A after he moves out especially if we are still dating. The one EN that I have been able to satisfy more regularly than before the OW is SF. I haven't been as safe as I should be and got tested for STD today. Should get results on Monday.

I'm trying to read alot. Just finished SAA and starting HNHN.

I'm sure I'll get a chance to tell more of my story later. So much to tell about the last 4 months. Right now I just needed some support and help with Plan A motivation.

Hi!

Before I start I just want you to know that our D-Days are the exact same day! Not that we should celebrate, but it was the first thing I noticed in your post.

Okay, I am by no means an expert but as for plan A, you need to focus on YOU and YOUR actions. You can not control your WS's behavior, so stop trying to. If he wants to see her and keep in contact, he will. You can't police him or demand him to cease it (BIG LB!!!) What you can do is both fill out an EN questionaire and see how to work on satisfying each others needs.

I know for my H and I, SF was a need that both of us were not meeting before the A, and now WOW!!! I don't know if that is normal or if it is even politically correct to be saying, but the sex for us has been incredible!

By the way, how did it go at the doc's office? When I went, I had a total meltdown!!! It was like that's when it all became REAL! I hope your result are negative, but even then you need to be checked again in six months. Oh the joys of unfaithfulness! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Back to the question at hand... If you can use this time apart to better yourself, you will seem more attractive to your WH. This is so hard to say, since I know how hard it is to NOT focus on the A. But when the A ends naturally, which it will, your H will only have positive memories of your time together. So while you are dating, make it just that. A DATE! Laugh, talk, share, and enjoy each other. Begin to remember why you decide to marry each other. Plan A is not easy, but if you want to save your marriage, you must start here. Be strong! Heck you have survived 4 months! Wow, I just realized that it is four months huh? My last couple of posts I have put 3. I guess I had keep bettertrack of this long and perilous journey!

Best of luck to you! And keep posting and reading, it does help!

PQ

BS (me): 30
H: 27
D: 7
Married: 7 yrs
Together: 8 yrs
D-Day: 4/26/02

Getting ready to sell house and move 2500 miles. away. H still willing to work on us, but does not think we have a chance.

pq - Thanks for the reply. I guess when I say 4 months its because the roller coaster started on 4/1 when my WH indicated we had a problem. Only 3 months since d-day. He actually made a joke about it last week. He said "April Fools!, just wanted to see how long I could keep up the joke" OUCH!

I am starting to realize that Plan A is about me and have made some good progress. You are correct the SF is incredible for me and my WH as well <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> , however he says it has nothing to do with SF. Eventhough he says I always rejected him during the last two years. And the A is timed within a couple of weeks of his 2nd low fertility results. We had been trying to get pregnant for 2 years. At first it was my medical problems took 8 months to fix and caused major depression on my part and I pulled away. I came back and the testing started that pointed to the problem being him. I think it was a major hit to his manhood and caused meltdown though he denies it. Says its all because I worked too many hours at work during 1/00 to 5/01

Now to what I've been doing. I am now working out 4 days a week. Have lost 40 pounds. My WH calls it the "Tell your wife your thinking of leaving her diet". My first appointment with an IC is next week. I'm going to start getting my nails done again next week. It's something he's been telling me to do for myself for a couple of years but I was too cheap. I am also starting to interact with my family again. I pulled away from them to make sure I was available to spend time with WH anytime he wasn't at work. I have also just begun going to church for the first time in my life. I know I need to continue to look for ways to grow. My WH married a strong, intelligent, sucessful, motivated woman. Right now he sees me as a weak, depressed, desperate woman. I need to change that so that when the A does end, he will want to come back and if we go our separate ways I am prepared to move on.

Wow, you are doing a lot better than I am!!! You should really feel good about your progress! I think I need to do some of the things you have started: like getting a better relationship with God, and working out. I sometimes feel so wrapped up in my problems that it is hard to remember what plan A is about. You are definitely right when you said,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My WH married a strong, intelligent, sucessful, motivated woman. Right now he sees me as a weak, depressed, desperate woman. I need to change that so that when the A does end, he will want to come back and if we go our separate ways I am prepared to move on.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is exactly what I needed to hear to help me get back on track! THANKS!

Thanks for saying that. I needed that today. Today he is moving out. I am helping. It seems so surreal. I'm not sure how I feel. Does it bother me he is moving out. Not really. Maybe it's just that he has been so cruel and uncaring these last 4 months that I don't care anymore. I'm sure that's not it cause I know I'll be crying tomorrow. I think I'm just resolved to the fact that I can't end the A and he needs to spend more time with her so will start to crumble faster.

I'm actually encouraged that your WH is willing to move. I've encouraged my WH to consider moving 500 miles away to where our best friends from college (two couples) live even if I don't go with him. He says maybe he'll think about it but I don't think he will until the A ends.

I am so sorry to hear that he is moving out today! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> But you are going to be okay, just take it one day at a time. And when you feel down, log on and get some support from us here! We all know what it is like and how much it can hurt! Take Care of yourself, remember you are the most important person!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Gotta run, taking my daughter to the movies!

How was the movie with your daughter? Hopefully you were able to get your mind off of all of this and enjoy yourself.

Moving day went pretty good. I tried to stay strong all day. I almost made it. I broke down at about 10:30PM and started crying because everywhere I looked, I saw memories. He said he understood and that I had been strong most of the day. In the evening we both came back to the house, picked up a pizza and a couple of DVD's. He stayed the night <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . We watched the movies until 1AM and made brownies for his company picnic today. That by the way he didn't invite me to until yesterday afternoon. He said he has already prepared a couple people at the office that I might not be there due to a "big project" at work in case he didn't want to invite me. He says the main reason he wants me to go is so the gossip mongers won't talk about us on Monday. I agreed to go and am trying to psyche myself up. My WH completely denies it but I believe the OW is his secretary (who will be there with her husband). He warned me that she knows something is up but he told her its personal. I think that's just a ploy in case she acts weird with me. Wish me luck.

Do you REALLY think it is his secretary? If so, you need to remember to be very strong ALL day! I know that for me(and in my case it WAS his secretary), the first time I saw her, I almost flew off the handle. But I realized I did not want to stoop to her level, and instead excused myself like a lady and said that I had a "headache" and need to go. No one knows at my H's office. we used to have a bunch of company parties at our house, she and I would plan them. Now everyone is wondering why we haven't had a BBQ or a Fourth of July party. It makes me ill to think of all the times she stayed at my house because i told her she was too drunk to drive home! Wow, the hate in me is rerally seething! I've got to stop. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Anyways, it sounds like moving day did go well! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I know I am not looking forward to packing my stuff up and finding all types of memories. My daughter and I did have a wonderful time at Scooby-Doo! Then we came home and played with the puppies for about three hours! We are puppy-sitting for our friends, so we have 7 boxer puppies!!! They are amazingly cute!!!

So I kinda have a PI plan for me today. My H is out of town with our friends in Missouri. He left his keys to the office here. Ffor a couple of weeks, I have been wondering if he has still been comunicating with her other than business. So I'm thinking about going down there tonight and looking on her computer. I have checked my H's laptop and found nothing, but he also is pretty clever and I think he could easily cover his tracks. But they both would NEVER expect me to have access to HER computer. What do you think? I know no one will be there on a Sunday night, but am I just going to hurt myself more? I probably am, but I don't think I care. I want to know the truth! So I guess I'm going! Wish me luck!!

Glad to hear that you and your daughter had a good time. The puppies sound really cute. My sister just got two new pigmy goats so I got to play with them after the picnic.

I did awesome at the picnic. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I think going to church right before the picnic helped alot. No LB's at all. No talk about the OW. I just observed and mingled. Even stood next to OW and laughed. OW had her husband and 2 teenage boys with her. If OWH knows then they are much better actors than me and my WH. They were actually quite affectionate and you could tell that they have built quite the life together w/ 3 boys ages @15 to 21. Seems more like this is a game to her and maybe not the first time she's done this. She flirts with everyone and maybe just found a sucker at a low point in his life to take the bait. I didn't get the impression that she will leave her family for my WH. I also feel a little relieved in that she is 10+ years older than my WH and can't give him the family he has always dreamed of. Probably stupid of me. I need to not get my hopes up.

About the PI plan. How did it go? Sometimes it's better to know even if it is going to hurt. For me right now, I don't feel the need to snoop. I still don't have concrete evidence of who the OW is but a lot of circumstantial evidence that makes all roads lead to the secretary. However, if I knew I could snoop without the chance of getting caught I probably would do it.

What do you think about how the picnic ended? My WH brought me back to the house. I told him to get anything else he needed for the apt and stay and play with the dogs a while and left to go to another BBQ at my sisters. After the BBQ, we had planned for me to come over to the apt and finish getting the kitchen set up. I did that and then told him if he didn't need anything else I would be leaving. He actually followed me home to pick up a couple more things. We had a bowl of ice cream together and then he left. I was really trying the leave first and leave him wanting more concept. I think I did pretty well for my first time.

ajr & pq ...

Just lurking <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ... word of encouragement ... the more lies OP tells WS the better chances A never work and end up in M. Let them test their A in real life, if WS meant to be yours they will be back otherwise it never meant to be. Both of you doing good ... focus on plan A. Make the list of actions that you need to fix and show the changes to your H.

God Bless you -RH-

<small>[ July 22, 2002, 01:59 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

Hey!
It sounds to me like you did GREAT!!! You left his apt. and HE decided to come back to the house with you! He must be starting to see your slef-improvements!

As for my PI work, I only found a few things... First, an e-mail sent from OW to herself??? But it said, "I'm in love with you (her WHOLE name). And was signed with my H's initials. Since I want to trust that he is still being honest with me, I wonder if she e-mailed it from her personal account to the office when she was having as bad day. Maybe wishful thinking, but I am trying to be positive. The only other items I found, where some gifts she had given him on his B-day, and I had told him I never wanted to find that sh@t in his office again. Well, it was in HER desk. So being the evil b@tch that I am, I threw it in a dumpster on my way out. The OW is SOOOOOOOO dumb that she probably won't remember where she put them! Or I'll get busted, either way, IT FELT GOOD!!!!!

Today has been a hard day though. I went in and gave my letter of resignation today. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I absolutely love my job, and it was a lot harder than I had expected to quit. But I didn't want to wait to see what my WH had to say when he comes home from Missouri tonight. I have made the decision that I am going to go to Utah, work on making myself a better person, and either my H will see this and want me back or someone else will have the new and improved me after I am ready to move on. I am fully committed to making my marriage work, but I finally GET plan A!!! It is all about me, and feeling better about myself. Not trying to win my H back or make him love me. I can't change or control his actions, I am only in control of my own! And with that, I am not going to tell him about the e-mail I found. Was the message anything he has not already told me??? NO! The only thing (besides hearing it <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> ) is that he told me that they are not disscussing "their feelings for each other" anymore. So maybe he still is. Is he having a PA?? No. Is he having an EA?? Yes, and I already figure that out by his unwillingness to give her up completely and write a NC letter. But I am going to have him write one either right before or right after we move. I really want him to read SAA, do you have any ideas how to get him interested? I just think that any logical person that reads the concepts can see how much sense they make. And I want us to be on the same page with rebuilding our M.

Sorry about the long post! I just want to thank everyone that posts here. I have learned SO much over the past couple of weeks, and I feel like I now have a safe place to share hope, feelings, and doubts. You all are the BEST!!!

Sorry to hear you had a bad day <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> However, if moving to Utah will give your marriage a chance then it's probably worth it. I spent way too much time worrying about my career and not making my marriage a priority. I would give my career up in an instant if I could take back the damage that Grad School and working 80hrs/wk had on my marriage. Just remember that Plan A is still about YOU!! From your post I think you get that now but a little reinforcement never hurts. Right?

As for the NC letter and reading SAA. I'd like to know how to make that happen as well. My WH has read some articles that I printed off of this website and agreed to read SAA but hasn't started. Pushing is a major LB for my WH so I just left the books in the nightstand he took to his apartment and am keeping my fingers crossed.

Today was a difficult day for me but by far not my worst in the last 4 months. This is the first day I did not see my WH at all. Spoke on the phone for 5 minutes regarding his new phone number. That's it. I had headache all day and couldn't concentrate at work. The evening improved, didn't want to go work out but dragged myself there and feel better for it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Major excitement for me came from BBQ'ing myself for the first time tonight and it was edible <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . My WH did all the BBQ'ing. A week ago I didn't even know how to light the BBQ

Hey! Good for you!!! Take care sweetie! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Had a rotten evening. Started out good. Worked out with my sister. She is helping me start lifting and more intense exercises than just cardio. My WH was also at the gym. Spoke for just a minute. I told him if he wanted to talk more call me tonight. He didn't. Send me into major doldrums. "Why am I all alone? Why did he desert me? What did I do to deserve this?" <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I know. I know. Pick myself up, dust my self off. If he's not smart enough to appreciate what he's lost, someone else will. Right??? Luckily he wasn't here to see my weakness and I can start again tomorrow. I need to get myself psyched up as we have a date on Saturday. Dinner and a play.

What a difference a day makes? I feel much better today. I had my first IC session today. No great revelations but I will start to work on my issues. Went to the gym tonight. My WH was there. He isn't very talkative with me right now just small talk but I found it encouraging that he knows that I will be going to the gym around 6:30PM M-Th and he has been there at the same time the last 3 nights. He knew exactly when to avoid the gym if he didn't want to see me. After the gym tonight, he told me he would be near my office tomorrow and asked if I wanted to grab lunch. I have a big meeting at 10AM but hopefully I'll be able to break for lunch.

I am so happy for you!! It sounds like you are making progress. You must be getting pretty buff working out that much! Is your WH looking good too????

My H and I have had a rough week. He found out that I sent the get-a-hint to him and OW. And in the turmoil of talking about that, I LB and asked him when and why he sent that e-mail to OW. This opened a whole new can of worms!!! But now we are getting past that. We had a good night last night. And today, our house was veiwed for the first time. And the people LOVED it!!! Maybe we will be able to sell it fast and move on to Utah sooner! Who knows. I just do not like knowing that he is still in contact with her every day, and that they are discussing their "feelings"! Oh YUCK!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Well better run. I have another showing in 20 mins. My internet went out for a couple of days, and now it is fixed. So I will try to not be gone so long next time! TAKE CARE!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Sounds like the showings are going good on your house. Hopefully that means that you will get to Utah soon and away from the OW. Maybe that will get your WH out of the fog.

Sorry you had such a bad week. Smile, give your daughter a hug and remember that your WH doesn't know what he is giving up. Hopefully he'll realize it soon. Until then keep working on you.

I majorly LB'd today. When he didn't make it to lunch, he didn't call to let me know. At 1PM I called to find him at lunch with OW and another coworker. I was hurt that he didn't even call to let me know that he needed to cancel. Talked about R and cried. Told him I was sad that he didn't miss me. I've got to be stronger tomorrow.

It is so hard to not LB!!!! I know how much that hurts when the WS doesn't call, but to then be out with the OW! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> RRRRRRRR! Or maybe that's only me!

I LB last night BAD! We had our friends over that are moving to UT with us to start the business. They know all the details of this sorted situation. The husband is my H's confidont(SP?) and his wife is mine. We were discussing what to tell the big boss about both of them leaving. And once again, it was decided, mostly by my H, to tell him that I missed my family and did not want to move around anymore and that I hated Texas, so my H needs to move to UT to satify me!!! I wish this did not feel like adding insult to injury, but it does! I said, "Why not tell him the truth, that you had an affair and your wife wants to move away from all of the bad memories and bad influences!" My H told me that I was not taking the emotion out of the situation and if I did, I would see that blaming moving on me is the best way. He also said, "Besides, he does need to be in MY business!" To that I said, "Maybe he should know what kind of PERSON is going to be running his business after we leave." (The OW is taking my H's job, moving up. It's always good to know that in this day and age you can still sleep your way to the top!) Sorry! This is still a sore subject for me. Anyway, after a few ackward moments, I said fine tell him what you want. Then I got up and started cleaning and crying. I was doing so good about not breaking down in front of my H for 4 days! I know that doesn't sound like a world record, but I am a very emotional person. Anyway, when we went to bed, he told me how much he loved me and that it would all be okay. "It's only another month, just let it go." I wish I could....

On a better note, my house has been on the market five days, and today we had an offer!!! Now it was 9,000 less than we wanted, but always good news to hear someone serious enough to make one. I also have another showing any time now! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Take Care! I look forward to hearing how you are doin'!

Hey!
I just wanted to tell someone this....

I JUST SOLD MY HOUSE!!!!! Five days on the market, six showings, two offers, and I made $30,000.00! Now it will only be $15,000.00 after all is said and done, but I figure not a bad investment for two years!

This has really made my day! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Congrats on the sale of the house <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> That is one more obstacle out of the was for your move to Utah.

Sorry to hear you had a bad night on Sunday. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> But keep a positive attitude. Your husband told you he loved you. Mine hasn't said that in 4 months. Rather "Yes I love you but its more like a sister. I don't think I love you the way a husband should love a wife. I don't feel a spark and butterflies 24-7. If I really loved you I'd feel those things" Sorry about the vent.

Tonight I did much better. It was a rough day. I hadn't heard from my WH in over 48 hours. Longest I've gone yet. But then he called after work. Wanted to come over to put the box with the cords (phone, stereo, cable) back in the attic. I figured that if he really wanted to avoid me, he could have just thrown the box in a closet at the apartment until he needed to get his mail. OW must spend Tuesday with her husband and children. That's probably good news for me. She isn't available to meet my WH EN's at times. After he dropped off the box we went to the gym and then grabbed a pizza.(I know what's the use of the gym if then you grab a pizza)