Ok,

I can't do anything today. Short of maybe calling the police and saying what? He was swearing at my kids, and yelling about the groc list? No, you have to know the whole hx of abuse.

So, here's my plan. He's been driving my car to work, so to the best of my knowledge, he has no house keys. I'll get them all together tonight.

Tomorrow after he leaves for work, I will send the Plan B email. But instead of asking him to leave, I'll tell him that the house is locked and that his clothing etc. that he will need for a while are in .... what? Probably the big truck. I'll move the Exp. into the garage so that it cannot be sabotaged.

I will also say that if he attempts to force himself into the house I will call the sheriff and have a restraining order sworn out.

AND that if he makes any other trouble for me, I will call his boss and reveal what I know to be the truth about his employment hx.

I'll post the Plan B email here early in the morning.

He's gone now, took off his ring before he left. Supposedly went to buy things to fix the diesel tank, who knows. At this point I'm not sure I care.

So we just need to get through the rest of today without someone getting hurt... more.

And then I really could use some business.

Like the name? Same letters, different order.

C

Crier - welcome to MB!

Don't have much to offer right now, but wanted you to know someone was listening.

M

Wow. An extreme situation that requires extreme measures I suppose.

It sounds like you've really thought out your plan. However, it leaves me feeling very nervous <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> and worried about you. What if something goes wrong - your H may fly off the handle worse than before, right?

If there's any way to check with a lawyer first to ensure the legality of the plan is sound, I would, to cover your own behind. Maybe call the police and ask if they would even have the power to swear out a restraining order.

Also, if you do go ahead with things, I would strongly urge you to have another adult (friend, relative) in the house with you after he leaves, for your own safety, and just to have another set of eyes and ears around for if / when he returns. You'll want a witness around. Maybe also have a video camera handy. I can imagine him trying to break his way back in from the few things you've already said about him. Perhaps also set up a tape recorder on the phone in case he calls and yells a lot of inappropriate (but legally damning) things.

Also, you never know if he has a housekey somewhere in some unknown place.....maybe you should get the locks changed? Maybe you shouldn't risk going through with this plan?

But, here's a bizarre perspective to consider in regards to the locks too:
I am WS and I'm about to move out (for a few months of real separation). I'm considering involving a lawyer so my H can't get our locks changed (he's been threatening to do so once I'm out). From the first indications, based on the fact that my name is both on the mortgage and land title still, he can't legally change the locks, and he can't keep me from entering MY OWN house either.

I pray your husband isn't as smart as me though.

All in all, I am nervous <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> about your plan, and would urge you to maybe think things over and do some research for at least 24 more hours. It's amazing how much perspective we can gain on an emotionally charged situation by waiting just one day.

Good luck and take care,

Jen

PS: One last thought - is there anywhere YOU can go and take the kids with you, that he won't know about (instead of the plan)?

Crier -

Good luck in the morning. I am so nervous and scared that I can't sleep.

Another threat that you could add to your Plan B letter is that you will reveal H's SA to HIS MOTHER! Isn't it extremely important to him that she never discover details of this side of his personality?

Maybe that will buy you some time and keep him away from the house until you come up with a better plan.

Remember, my offer still stands. I wish Virginia Beach was a closer option for you, but it's the best I can do.

Please do not avoid discussing all that has happened with the boys. Tell them that H has an illness that causes his unacceptable behavior and answer all of their related questions. This will be such a comfort to them.

My heart is breaking for all of you and I am praying a thousand prayers that everything will be ok.

Consult with an attorney first before changing the locks because you may be getting yourself in a heap of trouble if you go ahead with it.

His abusive behavior warrants a restraining order and maybe if you get one, then it might be ok for you to change the locks.

But again, consult an attorney before you do anything like changing the locks.

Harley has stated that there are M that should not be saved, especially ones where there is abuse and violence involved. MB methodology is no equipped to deal with these situations.

Plan B is when you still have hope for your M but your LB is running close to empty (which in your case is pretty much self evident). It is the plan of last resort in which you give your H a letter expressing love but telling him that the situation has become intolerable for you to continue to bear. IT IS NOT a threat filled letter.

If you plan on threatening him then you might as well kiss your M goodbye and start posting in the Divorcing/Divorced board instead. No matter how just the cause is, threats never foster respect much less love.

You might be better served by talking to the Harley's to get their opinion on your situation.

Crier-
Coffeeguy is right about changing the locks. My WS broke a window to get into my house one day when I was pretending to not be home. I contacted my attorney the next day, and was told that she can't get in trouble for breaking into her own house since her name is on the house title. Also, I don't think it's legal to record a phone call like JB suggested unless the other party agrees to it. Regardless, don't do anything until you've had time to cool off a bit and talked with an attorney. The whole thing could very well blow up in your face, and you could find yourself with some legal problems.

But regarding the restraining order, it might be more fitting to file for a protection order which addresses domestic violence or threats. But you also have to remember that it takes some time. It isn't done overnight. This is another issue I know about because my W unjustly filed both against me (the protection order was thrown out). Besides, a restraining order is nearly trivial, and persons that break the order is charged only with a misdemeanor. Once again, do your homework and see an attorney. If your H is prone to violence and you fear for the safety of your kids, you need to get them to safe ground somewhere away from your house. They are the number one priority here.

Incidentally, you posted under the "Infidelity" forum, but didn't say anything in regards to an A. So I'm going to assume he is in an A. Is that what you were talking about when you wrote about your H's work history?

Anyway, take some time, if time allows, to gather your thoughts before making decisions, rather than acting on heat of the moment. Keep us posted.

TJS

Well here it is, d-day. Not in the traditional MB sense, but d-day all the same.

Wow. Thanks to everyone who replied overnight. Unless you have been here you can't imagine what a difference it makes to not be so isolated.

For those of you who don't know me, I' ve been an MB member since somewhere in 2000. I created a new account yesterday and moved to a board where I've never been for safety reasons. You can read the last 8 months of what's been happening in my life at the JFO thread started by persistant. I'm cerri.

To address what you said first, and then my thoughts on the email I will send.

M: THANK YOU!!

Jen: If there's any way to check with a lawyer first to ensure the legality of the plan is sound, I would, to cover your own behind. Maybe
call the police and ask if they would even have the power to swear out a restraining order.

I suppose I could. But I can't afford an atty. And frankly, at this point I don't care. Well, I do. But here's my thought. I'll have the house, and he won't. If he wants to dispute the legality of it, then HE can go to the trouble and the expense of hiring an atty. Given his issues with being able to follow through, I doubt I have much to fear. And if he actually did do something, well, I still have the house til it gets to

lso, if you do go ahead with things, I would strongly urge you to have another adult (friend, relative) in the house with you after
he leaves, for your own safety, and just to have another set of eyes and ears around for if / when he returns.

Great idea. My two oldest boys are here. They are 17 and 19. I wonder if that's good enough? I don't know who else I would call around here.

I don't want to end or seriously damage the M, I need to set a boundary that should have been done long ago. When he gets help and can control his temper I hope we can fix our M.

Also, you never know if he has a housekey somewhere in some unknown place.....maybe you should get the locks changed?
Maybe you shouldn't risk going through with this plan?

Ohhhhh no. It's been too long, too many times of telling him to leave and then letting him stay. Hmm Mmm. THIS time it's for real. After what he said to my son last night??? NO.

But I did think about the possibility of a key being hidden. He is the sort to do that kind of thing. My 19yo could easily change out the locks today, we'd just have to gol buy new ones.

The other option is to TELL H that I changed them, I doubt he would bother to check.

I am WS and I'm about to move out (for a few months of real separation). I'm considering involving a lawyer so my H can't get our
locks changed (he's been threatening to do so once I'm out). From the first indications, based on the fact that my name is both on
the mortgage and land title still, he can't legally change the locks, and he can't keep me from entering MY OWN house either.

Are you not seeing OM anymore? Why the separation? What is the state of recovery at this time?

Re the locks. In my 1st M, I was the WS. XH and I owned (still do but that's a story for a different day) a business together. Long before the D went to court AND while there were orders in place that neither of us was to change/move anything, he changed the locks on the business, closed the checking account (joint), bounced any checks I had written, and has done business without me since (this was in '98)

A court order will not protect you unless there is someone willing to fight for you to have it enforced. Don't fool yourself. He can change those locks as fast as you can say Home Depot.

It's amazing how much perspective we can gain on an emotionally charged situation by waiting just one day.

I know I'm new to you here. But really as Runner and Marissa can tell you, it's been a long time coming. I appreciate your care and your words. It helps.

_____

Runner: You found me! Where have you been by the way? Oh. Tossing clothing about he laundry room? LOL

I'm sorry you didn't sleep. I did fairly well. A few odd dreams but not bad. I guess the angst and the not knowing what to do and the back and forth just dropped away. I've HAD it. Poor Brian. the look on his face when H said that yesterday.

Here's a kid that's been ignored by his own dad, had a hellish time all through school, has been floating around rootless and lost for a year involved with drugs. He has the courage to ask for help and now is fighting and clawing his way to try to make something of his life and that JERK says something like that to him. NO MORE! OH!! I'm so angry, NO MORE!!!

Yes, I will talk to the boys. I've said this before, that I just don't know how to address it, because I don't want to take sides and I don't want to paint him as the bad guy. I don't believe in doing those divisive things in families. But your thoughts are good, I can do it in that perspective.

____

TMCM: Harley has stated that there are M that should not be saved, especially ones where there is abuse and violence involved. MB
methodology is no equipped to deal with these situations.

Well actually, MB is very well designed to deal with abuse and violence. It's called separation and Plan B until the abusing spouse seeks help and can guarantee that he/she will not so much as make a demand in any circumstance. He does talk quite a bit about the fact that those with control issues are the hardest cases he has. It's more difficult to deal with than

You might be better served by talking to the Harley's to get their opinion on your situation.

You have no idea how funny that is, because you don't know the entire story, but yes, been there. For years. Dr. Harley once asked me privately "why on earth do you want to stay with this guy?"

I know the drill and I know what things H will and will not respond to.

____

TJS:
Anyway, take some time, if time allows, to gather your thoughts before making decisions, rather than acting on heat of the
moment. Keep us posted.

Appreciate your concern, and it is what I would post to a newbie too. But really it's not the heat of the moment. It's 5 years of intensive MB study and attempting every way possible to repair this M. No, it is time. And if he wants to take legal action for being locked out, then time is still on my side.

No he's not in an A now. He was fired from his previous job due to his extreme use of internet porn, sex entertainment while travelling, and hiring hookers online at work. The SA has been addressed and has not been an issue in over a year.

I posted here because Plan B has other applications outside of infidelity, and because I've never been here before. He reads where I usually post, and probably could search on my member number associated with my usual name, Cerri. So I rearranged the letters in my name and reregistered.

Dear Crier:

I would like you to know that I once lived through what you are living through now. The only difference was that I was the child in the story, and my mother was in your position.

Looking back on it now, my biggest frustration is how long mother waited to leave. It was the best thing she ever could have done for herself and for the kids. Yes, she lost a lot financially. Her H was so enraged, he spent the first night ripping all the clothes she had left at the house, throwing them into garbarge bags and dumping them on my grandmother's lawn. Several trips of this. She lost whatever money she had put into the house, plus fees and all the money needed to start over. Yes, it was disruptive. We were pulled out of school a couple of times as she moved us around to keep us safe. Lots of calls to the police. And yelling and screaming and frothing at the mouth. But believe me, it was worth it.

I am troubled by your reluctance to contact the police in advance of this move. You should let them know what is going on. And, given the legal ambiguities of the situation (can he be kept out of his own house), you need a "Plan B" -- not the MB type, but the "where will we go if we can't keep him out of the house" type. Please consider leaving town if that's what it will take.

I worry about what seems to be an ambiguous attitude toward your marriage. [But I concede that I am reading this very quickly and may have misread something.] On the one hand, you point out that even Harley doesn't understand why you're still with your husband. On the other, you say you don't want to end the marriage, and you don't want to turn your kids against your husband. While you're doing a good job of towing the MB line, I don't like your ambivalence toward your marriage. Call it over -- for your sake and for your children's. Speaking from a child's point of view, each time I heard my mother say she might go back to him yet again, that she was buying his line of bull, that she couldn't afford to leave, was more upsetting than I can say. The most welcome thing I ever heard was that it was over FOREVER.

Crier, like many other people on the board, I am very worried about you. In spite of your unvarnished language, I wonder if you are doing all you can today to keep yourself safe. Please be careful.

Curious.

Plan B letter, by the book.

Dear S,

I once loved you more than anyone or anything else on this planet. I remember how good that was and I would like to be able to restore that.

When I married you, it wasn't just for life. If you remember, the vow I took was forever. I meant it. I want to stay married to you. Or, as the song goes, "You're the one that I want."

I appreciate the work you have done lately in regards to meeting needs, but the effect is ruined by your abuse of me and the children.

Your demands, control, anger, and abuse have all but destroyed the love I had for you. And more than that, it is destroying my dignity and self-respect. It is painful beyond belief.

The damage to the children is immeasurable. The thing you said to Brian was unspeakably horrific, especially considering where he is right now.

I cannot let this continue another day. So it is with much sadness that I send this to you.

I am no longer asking you to leave. The locks have been changed and you will not be able to get into the house. I will put together whatever things you would like, clothing etc. and leave them in the big truck for you, or if you wish, deliver them somewhere. I will take good care of Boo and Bitsy.

My hope and my wish is that we can work this out, but I must stop the pain here right now.

When you have taken steps to address the anger and control issues and explore the borderline possibility, I really want to be with you again. I miss you. I miss loving you.

Until then, I ask that you not contact me except in the case of extreme necessity.

I hope I don't need to say this, but if you try to break into the house or threaten me in any way, I will not hesitate to call P Co. Sherrif and to get a restraining order.

There are some financial issues to discuss. I will pay the USB pmt. and all associated house expenses. I will not be accruing anything towards the taxes. I will pay the Exp. pmt. but not the Dodge. I would ask you to pay 1/2 of the vehicle insurance and 1/2 of the homeowners insurance. Our GM card is paid in full through the last statement. I will transfer any new business charges off of there to my card, but I will not pay any of the rest of the new charges. Obviously, I will not use it again as of today.

Everything has been paid for this month, but it requires that you deposit your check into the USB account at the end of the week. If you decide not to do that, then I'll send you a list of the payments that will not get mailed.

I'm sorry S...

P

______

So does that meet my criteria for Plan B letters?

1. I love you (or I did)
2. I married you for life
3. I want to stay married to you
4. This thing that you are doing is too painful for me to endure
5. To protect myself from further pain I am separating from you
6. Please do not contact me until the issue is addressed.
7. At that point I want to repair the M

I think so. Much easier to make an outline than to write the letter.

C

Designate an intermediary for contact. No direct contact. His parents maybe.

Don't promise to bring him stuff. No contact. Promise to work it out with help of intermediary.

There is not enough no contact language in this letter.

Curious,

Thank you, this made me cry:

I would like you to know that I once lived through what you are living through now. The only difference was that I was the child in the story, and my mother was in your position.

You know me, you know. We've talked at persistant's JFO thread. Cerri

I am troubled by your reluctance to contact the police in advance of this move. You should let them know what is going on. And, given the legal ambiguities of the situation (can he be kept out of his own house), you need a "Plan B" -- not the MB type, but the "where will we go if we can't keep him out of the house" type. Please consider leaving town if that's what it will take.

Yes, I know the possibility exists theoretically. But I would be shocked beyond belief if he didn't just slink away. He has NEVER been either proactive or reactive in the sense that he would seek help in any way. Remember he has severe follow through issues. We've dealt with a couple of lawsuits in the last 5 years where we were in 100% in the right and he couldn't bring himself to call his lawyer even for a status report. And I'm certain he wouldn't call the police. After the run in we had 2 years ago, oh no. No, he is terrified of having any police action.

I worry about what seems to be an ambiguous attitude toward your marriage. [But I concede that I am reading this very quickly and may have misread something.] On the one hand, you point out that even Harley doesn't understand why you're still with your husband. On the other, you say you don't want to end the marriage, and you don't want to turn your kids against your husband.

Isn't everyone that way? Maybe it's just me. But I'm hardcore MB and really do believe that M's, even ones as bad as mine can be saved. I should have done this long ago. I didn't, fear of the SA more than anything. And even today fear that it really will be the end. I loved him. A lot. I want that back, and I want my family safe. I guess that adds up to ambiguity.

[b[Call it over -- for your sake and for your children's. Speaking from a child's point of view, each time I heard my mother say she might go back to him yet again, that she was buying his line of bull, that she couldn't afford to leave, was more upsetting than I can say. The most welcome thing I ever heard was that it was over FOREVER.[/b]

Yes, I understand that. But this time, there are requirments for reconciliation. Per a real Plan B plan.

C

Crier:
Yes, I know.
I'm crying for the fact that I cannot drive out there and help you. Please be safe.
Curious

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by curious53:
<strong>Designate an intermediary for contact. No direct contact. His parents maybe.

Don't promise to bring him stuff. No contact. Promise to work it out with help of intermediary.

There is not enough no contact language in this letter.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I agree. Offering to bring his stuff can be construed as willing to reconsider. His parents are not workable as intermediaries. In fact I think I should call them first, but maybe that's revenge talking.

Anyway, he works about an hour from here. I would like to not have him drive all the way here tonight and then beg to stay. I could deliver his stuff to his car without him knowing it, and leave the letter with the stuff. But then I need to drive across the city and back.

Because of the possible borderline issues, I want to leave out as much chance of humiliation as possible. This is a HUGE trigger. And will set off all kinds of stuff. Maybe the best is to just put stuff in truck and let him drive all the way here.

Curious,
Where are all the MBers that should be in the Twin Cities area??? After all, this is the founding city, so to speak.

You're right. More no contact language. Editing now.

C

Edits:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by crier:
Plan B letter, by the book.

Dear S,

I once loved you more than anyone or anything else on this planet. I remember how good that was and I would like to be able to restore that.

When I married you, it wasn't just for life. If you remember, the vow I took was forever. I meant it. I want to stay married to you. Or, as the song goes, "You're the one that I want."

I appreciate the work you have done lately in regards to meeting needs, but the effect is ruined by your abuse of me and the children.

Your demands, control, anger, and abuse have all but destroyed the love I had for you. And more than that, it is destroying my dignity and self-respect. It is painful beyond belief.

The damage to the children is immeasurable. The thing you said to Brian was unspeakably horrific, especially considering where he is right now.

I cannot let this continue another day. So it is with much sadness that I send this to you.

I am no longer asking you to leave. The locks have been changed and you will not be able to get into the house. I will put together whatever things you would like, clothing etc. and leave them in the big truck for you. I will take good care of Boo and Bitsy.

My hope and my wish is that we can work this out, but I must stop the pain right now.

When you have taken steps to address the anger and control issues, and explore the borderline possibility, I really want to be with you again. I miss you. I miss loving you.

Until then, I ask that you not contact me except in the case of extreme necessity.

I hope I don't need to say this, but if you try to break into the house or threaten me in any way, I will not hesitate to call P Co. Sherrif and to get a restraining order.

There are some financial issues to discuss. I will pay the USB pmt. and all associated house expenses. I will not be accruing anything towards the taxes. I will pay the Exp. pmt. but not the Dodge. I would ask you to pay 1/2 of the vehicle insurance and 1/2 of the homeowners insurance. Our GM card is paid in full through the last statement. I will transfer any new business charges off of there to my card, but I will not pay any of the rest of the new charges. Obviously, I will not use it again as of today.

Everything has been paid for this month, but it requires that you deposit your check into the USB account at the end of the week. If you decide not to do that, then I'll send you a list of the payments that will not get mailed.

I have avoided this step for a long time. Afraid of losing you. I am still fearful of that, from the day we met it's always been you and only you. But finally I realized that I will be without you anyway if things continue in this way. Please, do not contact me until you have found a way to deal with the anger and the control. Good intentions and apologies are not enough.

I'm sorry S...

P

______

So does that meet my criteria for Plan B letters?

1. I love you (or I did)
2. I married you for life
3. I want to stay married to you
4. This thing that you are doing is too painful for me to endure
5. To protect myself from further pain I am separating from you
6. Please do not contact me until the issue is addressed.
7. At that point I want to repair the M

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">C

<small>[ August 19, 2002, 07:58 AM: Message edited by: crier ]</small>

Hi C,

Praying for you today. I read your Plan B letter, and it&#8217;s fine. Textbook, meets all the requirements, etc. &#8211; I&#8217;d expect nothing less from you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I, like everyone else, am probably just wondering whether he&#8217;s going to just try to push his way back into the house. Is there some place he could go &#8211; someone for him to stay with &#8211; that might work out. Guess I&#8217;d be more hopeful then. OTOH, when I left, I found an extended stay apartment the next day, and then a corporate apartment after that. Suspect he could do the same.

Yesterday, I believe you wrote something about him leaving to go someplace, and him taking his wedding rings off prior to leaving. Am I confused, or what&#8217;s up with that? Is he rebelling too?

C, I didn&#8217;t realize things were so verbally abusive in your house. I knew H had the tirades, just thought they were less often. God (or Goddess) bless you for helping so many people when you had more than enough problems at home to deal with.

P

Hi P,

Praying for you today.

Thanks, it means a lot.

I, like everyone else, am probably just wondering whether he&#8217;s going to just try to push his way back into the house.

No he's more likely to try to beg his way back into the house. If you have never seen the abuse cycle in action you can't begin to comprehend the swings. Here is the email I got this morning:

"Penny,
I know this weekend was awful and that saying I'm sorry won't do. I
feel
terrible about it. I can't believe what has been happening. I feel
like I have
already lost everything that was ever important to me."

Did you see the movie Sleeping with the Enemy? Where the guy went from beating the snot out of her to buying her gifts and wanting to make love all in the course of a day? It's like watching a puppy turn into a rabid wolf and back Very disorienting. And you don't know which is the real person. And then you begin to doubt your own sanity, because each manifestation has no recollection and no apparent connection to the other.

When he's angry, he doesn't remember things he's said and promised when he's not. And when it 's over, he does not recall the things he said and did. It's horrifying and nearly impossible to explain.

And, when I went to jail 2 years ago, they told us that if there was a call from this residence again someone (didn't matter who, apparently!) would be charged with a felony. I really doubt that's the case, seeing how I was not charged with anything other than disorderly conduct. I'm sure it was a threat with the hope that doing so would stop further inicidents. But he's taken that to heart. He gets frightened that someone will call the police if I cry, so no, he's not going to do anything that might get his name in the paper.

Is there some place he could go &#8211; someone for him to stay with &#8211; that might work out.

No, I don't even know if he'll tell his parents. It's the humiliation factor. Don't talk to anyone, don't ask for help.

OTOH, when I left, I found an extended stay apartment the next day, and then a corporate apartment after that. Suspect he could do the same.

It's not my problem any more. I have to take care of me. He could afford to rent a house if he really wanted to.

Yesterday, I believe you wrote something about him leaving to go someplace, and him taking his wedding rings off prior to leaving. Am I confused, or what&#8217;s up with that? Is he rebelling too?

No, I took mine off to work with the horse.... safety.... had fingers caught on rings before when a horse got bouncy. Anyway, he saw them on the counter and tossed his off too before leaving to do some shopping. To hurt me I'm sure, he was a bit irrational yesterday, to say the least. He was gone quite a long time considering what he said he did. And I just don't have the energy to care. If he found every hooker in Hudson and screwed them all and then bought them all dinner I just don't know if I care today.

C, I didn&#8217;t realize things were so verbally abusive in your house.

No, it's pretty much like this all the time. And the periods when it's not are filled with the fear of knowing it's coming out of the blue at any moment.

So the letter is ok? Do I send it now or wait til later in the day? I have not responded to the earlier email.

C

<small>[ August 19, 2002, 08:22 AM: Message edited by: crier ]</small>

Hi Again C,

Things busy here at work. Sorry for the late reply.

Nah, not that I was real concerned about his housing issues either. Just trying to second-guess whether he&#8217;s going to put a lot of effort or fight to get back in.

Yes, the additional no-contact stuff you put in was good. When to send him the letter? Well, you obviously know him better than me, but I suspect he&#8217;s going to skip out of work and come driving directly home when he gets it. Just make sure that you&#8217;ve already taken care of the clothes stuff beforehand. Also, I&#8217;d be concerned about waiting too late to send it, and risk him not getting it before he leaves work to return home. THAT would be a nightmare &#8211; him trying to fumble his way into the door, clueless. All just practical things to consider, I guess. I don&#8217;t think it sitting on your computer is doing YOU any good. Probably best to send it, get his stuff together. I know I had boxes of stuff required just to live in a extended stay place. Toiletries, shoes, clothes &#8230; It&#8217;ll probably take you some time to get this together.

Given your comments though, sounds like there are a few things stacked in your favor that might allow you to pull this off. I suspect tomorrow though, he&#8217;s gonna be on the computer searching this site, trying to get a clue.

Intermediary? Have one? Good or bad, one thing you have in your favor is that you don&#8217;t have to schedule child visits for him.

P

Hi P,

Things busy here at work. Sorry for the late reply.

How dare they expect you to take time from here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />


but I suspect he&#8217;s going to skip out of work and come driving directly home when he gets it.

I would be shocked if he did that. He would have to give someone a reason for leaving. That would require talking to someone. No, I suspect he'll email and call and beg. Caller id is a good thing. I also suspect he'll call from Prescott when he gets there.

Also, I&#8217;d be concerned about waiting too late to send it, and risk him not getting it before he leaves work to return home. THAT would be a nightmare &#8211; him trying to fumble his way into the door, clueless.

Oh yes. THAT would be horrendous. I need to allow enough time for him to think I did change the locks. So, I'm thinking noonish.

It&#8217;ll probably take you some time to get this together.

20 minutes, maybe 30. Unless he wants tools, too. I might buy deadbolts for the doors between the garage and the house, then he could take things from there. I like that idea.

I suspect tomorrow though, he&#8217;s gonna be on the computer searching this site, trying to get a clue.

As soon as he gets the email. I need to edit out elektra's link. Just hoping to hear from Hoffs. Although, if he was as smart as me, he'd been checking out where you guys are posting. I need to go back and play in the usual spots too.

Intermediary? Have one?

Nope. I suppose HT's a little too far?? No, no kid visits, but he will want to do things here. I need to think on that. Not for at least 30 days. Maybe he can find a good coach in that time? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Hey!! I think this means we're cleaning the house today!

Ok, need to do kid things, buy some locks and then send the email. Send me strength, this is really hard.

C

Crier:

First thing I did this morning was check this thread. I'm still nervous for you. I agree with the general opinion here of maintain NO contact and try to find an intermediary of some sort.

Good luck since you sound like you're going through with this. Lock all the doors, close all the windows, and you and your boys take care!!

In response to your questions:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Are you not seeing OM anymore? Why the separation? What is the state of recovery at this time?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, not seeing OM anymore. Ended A before d-day. Separation because OM was H's BF, and I had to be confronted (I lied and said nothing was going on). My H is hurt beyond belief. Separation also because my H isn't capable of working on things, well trying to live like H and W again at this point. This is due to his inability to get over his anger, inability to forgive, his parents have told him to get rid of me, and he spends most if not all of his free time with a female colleague/friend. I can't handle living in the same house as him, even if we live in separate bedrooms. It hurts too much to watch him just coldly go about his life and not care to act like my H, go on and on about what's wrong with me, and remind me how he's perfect, and then have him asking for SF, but still not being willing to spend any daytime hours with me. So I wanted to leave and try living on my own, for my own sanity. He wants me out since I'm at fault. We're on good, calm terms with each other and have agreed to try living apaprt for 2-3 months and then re-evaluate things.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> A court order will not protect you unless there is someone willing to fight for you to have it enforced. Don't fool yourself. He can change those locks as fast as you can say Home Depot. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Crap. That sucks. He wants to change the locks because he thinks I'll show up here unannounced all the time, when his female friend/colleague is over I guess, and go psycho. He figures I won't really leave him alone. He probably also figures I will enter the house to snoop around and see what he's been up to. I love him but this desire to change the locks makes me think, "what the hell am I doing with this man if he wants to lock me out of his life?"

Again, take care!!

Jen