Need 'veteran' advice please. If you can read my last few posts and then give me some advice, I'd really appreciate it. I am still in Plan A, but have finally agreed to my H's request for separation agreement only because it's something that I know is logically the right step after 3 months for myself and the kids financially, and also because my H is adamant it's what he wants and I suppose it's time to accept that, and hope that it does't lead to the more final divorce step.

I do NOT want my marriage to end. I DO want my H back, but yes, I know Plan A is for me and I'm working on that also as well as trying to meet H's ENs best I can in the few moments we see each other. However, if you read a post of mine from the weekend, you'll see that I can't take being treated badly anymore, and I don't feel I should.

However..this is the situation now and it's driving me crazy to be honest. My H has 75% of his stuff still here, and has made no attempt to pack it up or even discuss packing it up.

Now..I left that message (see a previous post) that we should discuss when he would perhaps like to get the rest of his stuff from here. He hasn't mentioned anything to me since that message about the separation or his stuff, and I'm finding that being surrounded by all of his personal stuff is driving me crazy. It's not stuff he 'needs' right now..it's just those types of personal belongings we all just own, but in addition there are quite a few clothes and coats as well.

So..do I remind him he has all this stuff here, or do I not say that? Is he not getting his stuff because he's too lazy to do the work as it isn't stuff he needs on a daily basis..or..is he just not doing it as it's more convenient to leave it here until he decides on his next step..ie..moving into his own bigger place. OR..do you think it's an indication that deep down in his soul there may be some tiny doubt and so that's why he's leaving the stuff here?

I don't want to go ahead and pack it all up for him because I did that with some stuff early on in the separation and it was a HUGE LB. And, I also don't have the energy or time right now.

Can anyone give me advice please?

I know I sound really confused, and I am. I just know that I don't want to say the wrong thing but I don't want to live surrounded by his stuff for months either until HE makes a decision. And, as I said, I don't want to push because what if there is a small doubt that may result in him perhaps eventually wanting to 'try' again?

If anyone out there could read my last post and provide input I'd really appreciate it. I'm seeing my H this Sunday and would love some help in deciding if I should talk to him.
Thanks!

Try posting on GQII with a link to this thread. There are a lot more people hanging out there. Try and read going_crazy's thread; maybe post on it and ask for help.

Well I must say Kimmy I think you must do what is best for you. It is your sanity that is at stake. I really dont think anything you say to him is going to be a make it or break it event at this point...as long as you are calm about your wishes. I think you being reasonable but clear that you about where you are coming from is fine. However if you are comfortable at this point at leaving the subject lie then do so until you are ready. It is pointless to try to guess his motives. The best thing you have done is come to grips with the fact that plan A doesnt mean take all the crap. You deserve better treatment and you can have it without blowing your plan A. BTW there is no such thing as a perfect plan A just as there are no perfect people or perfect marriages so don't be super critical of yourself. You are going through alot do what you need to regroup. Vent here, laugh with friends, and cry when you need to but make it about the type of life you want to be living. Obviously you want to be living in a recovering marriage but you couldnt begin to recover anyway if he was going to continue to behave so badly towards you even if he did come home. Bottom line whether he is still in the fog or moving towards recovery Kim deserves common decency. It is ok to expect courtesy. Whatever you decide no judgements here. Life is about each moment you can try to have a plan but when it comes down to it...it just happens. Do what you need to do for you. Keep in touch. I will be thinking of you and praying for you.

ayslyne

Thanks for comments.

Yes..I know Plan A can still be done without taking crap. I feel very good about telling him that last week and I don't regret it. He was here tonight to pick up the kids for overnight and still didn't mention anything about the separation agreement, or his stuff. I am just in a quandry about what to do.

My poor son is taking this very hard. He enjoys being with his Dad overnight but everytime he leaves and returns he clings to me saying how he misses me so much and loves me so much. He's 11 & 1/2 and is a very sensitive, intense boy. My heart is breaking for him and I know he's having a very difficult time with us not being a family unit. My daughter is equally devastated but seems to be coping better, at least right now. My daughter is 10 next month. Apart from myself wanting to reconcile with my H, I want a chance for them. They deserve their parents to try to save/commit to their marriage and family. So, I'm very interested in making the right choices as how to approach my H to not potentially ruin any hope of a second chance, because my children deserve it. However, I equally do not want to jeopardize my own sanity and life, and that's why I'm having such a problem.

I KNOW in my head that the legal separation should be done. I went to a lawyer 2 months ago just for a consultation to find out how it all worked and what my/my children's rights were (because I was tired of everyone giving me their opinion) and she said then that it was in our best interest to have a legal separation sooner better than later as if it did lead to divorce the court would 'wonder' why I had taken so long to get a legal separation. That still isn't enough to convince me, however, I do know that delaying it probably isn't the best thing.

But..as I've repeated so many times I'm afraid that it will 'push' my H away, and yet I don't know why I feel like that because it's not like he's interested in reconciling anyway. I guess I feel this confusion because he is friendlier now so I do feel some change has happened within him towards me and so perhaps that will grow.

I appreciate anyone's input, as then I can read different viewpoints and scenarious that help me try to decide a good action plan for me.

Thanks.

That is true. If it is her he is in love with, he will be irritated towards you and treat you badly. *He* has to decide whom he loves and come back to you. Then he will treat you well, because he loves you.