Hello Neil -- I've been following/lurking in your post the past few weeks. I too am involved with a WH that has other mental issues and a history of abuse. I spent the last 10 years trying to be his rescuer (unknowingly, but through counseling know that's what it was) and alternatively the bad guy/woman that was causing some of WH's problems.

It does get to a point where you have to realize that you can't save them from themselves. I know you know that. Reading your posts has been painful for me because in addition to my WH, my mother and sister are manic depressives that have tried to commit suicide in the past. They had to hit rock bottom before they sought competent help and lead relatively normal lives now. I grew up with it and it is probably a large part as to why I was drawn to a man and stayed with a man that had such significant issues from his own childhood abuse. Life is complicated.

Unlike you, I never had children, which is the biggest regret of my life. I wanted children, but was afraid to have them with WH (I'm only now coming to grips with that concept).

Do whatever you have to do to protect your girls from witnessing their mothers self-abuse. I am the product of a troubled mother who was the product of a troubled home herself. Stop the cycle. Love your wife, but please please please remove your children from any situations where they have to witness this self-abuse. No matter that they are aware of it/have previously witnessed the behavior -- they shouldn't be exposed to it now.

You have to let your wife fall on her own. I KNOW it is hard. I am currently in plan B and it is both a relief and a worry about what WH may or may not do. If you know you tried everything you could, you need to remove yourself now. Easier said than done I know. I can hear it in your posts that you need to distance yourself right now from her, but you can't do it completely because you are a good and caring person and you want to believe you can help. It's not possible to help when the "victim" won't recognize that they need help or accept it.

Please protect your daughters. Please. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about those girls and what they are going through.