Do you think it's healthy for the husband and other man to meet? If I don't arrange the meeting (even though it's long over)....there's no chance of reconciliation. First, the other man is not going to ever agree to the meeting. My goal is to convince my husband that it's a mute point and that we should go to counseling to build our relationship. He won't agree to counseling until after the meeting. I'm stuck!!! Many thoughts and suggestions please.

Interesting question..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Has your H told you what he hopes to gain/learn by meeting with OM?

Would you be there too?

You asked about "healthy" ... I think it is possible that this could be healthy if it were handled correctly and with sensitivity.

What do you think your H's adgenda is?

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

H wants to look into OM's eyes to feel confident that it's over...and as he puts it "return to him what I gave away". I see his point, but OM would never agree to the meeting. We don't even talk anymore. I guess the real issue is how can I convince H to reconcile without the meeting happening. That's my biggest challenge.

Let me make sure I understand you...

Your H refuses to reconcile the marriage until he has a face to face with OM?

Correct?

Is your H ever a violent person?

Pep

<small>[ December 11, 2002, 02:28 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Correct...no reconciliation unless the meeting happens. Neither men are violent. It's just that the OM would NEVER agree to such a meeting. What are your thoughts on convincing him that counseling is the next step not a meeting with the OM?

My suggestion ... invite your H to this site. have him post his reasons why he feels he needs to do this thing ...

.... most interesting

BTW.... how are YOU doing????

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I will make your suggestion....it might be the answer. It's been difficult for both of us, but I think there's hope. As long as there's hope, I'll remain positive.

READ books about affairs ... why they happen ... how to move past the affair.... how to safeguard the future from affairs

Educate yourself ... you can only do what is within your power as far as convincing your H about reconciliation.

Good luck

Pepper

hellow2la:

I agree that if your husband would read/post on this site it could be helpful for him. I do understand his need to size up the OM. I know my wife's 3rd OM pretty well and have no desire to see him or talk to him ever again. But the same isn't true for the first two men. I know it would not be a good idea to see them, but I think many BSs feel that they would have a better handle on the affair if they could meet the OM/OW.

Perhaps your H is hungering for information you have been unwilling to supply. You don't say much about your story, so that may not be the case. In my case, however, my W has been great about revealing any information I've asked of her. If you are withholding information from him about your affair, this may be fueling his desire to meet the OM. Just a thought, but if it strikes a chord with you, you might consider reading the info on the following link:

The Need to Know

I have personally found that the more information that has been revealed to me by my W, the less I feel a need to see these OM.

I'd say thumbs down on this meeting. I'm a strict believer in NO CONTACT, and that includes the betrayed person.

My wife and I were at a school function the other night and as we were walking in the school, the OM saw us and gave me a big hello. I completely ignored his greeting as I will continue to if I ever see him again.

My wife had an intense, monthlong sexual/emotional affair with this man last spring, and our marriage has recovered very nicely. I don't want either of us to have anything to do with him ever again.

He can say hello to me all he wants but I will never acknowlege his presence. If he thinks I'm rude, I don't care. I want no contact.

I don't see how this meeting proposed by your husband can offer anything constructive for the three of you. I think it's territory that should be avoided at all costs. No contact forever is good advice for all parties.

I beleive that your H beleives that by meeting your xOM, he will be conveying to him that he can longer enjoy hiding in the shadows of anonimity and appear in your life whenever he feels like it. You may be able to convince the xOM that if he truly cares about you and your desire to rebuild your M, he would grant your H's wish with the condition of having other people included in the meeting (in a neutral location of course) to ensure that both of them will behave like adults. Personally I agree that the whole meeting is a bad idea, but if it's the only way for your H to enter into marital counseling and rebuilding, then this might be an idea that just might satisfy all parties involved. Good luck.

Would it be possible for the OM to write a very strong letter that it is OVER. That he made a big mistake and he does not want to meet and does not want to be reminder of his SINS.

If he writes it, will it satisfy your husband.

Menachem

I really appreciate all of your insight. I asked my H to join the discussion group and he was highly insulted. Whatever I do is making matters worse. I agree that the meeting thing is not a good idea. Especially since I don't speak with the OM anymore. Even contacting him to make the request would be appear ridiculous. I have disclosed everything to my H about the relationship...it think I told him too much, but he knows it all and believes that this ultimatum is the only way it will work. The meeting is not going to happen even if I beg, plead and pay the OM, so I guess the marriage is over. I'm going to seek counseling for myself and pray that my H has a change of heart. If he ever comes back to me. I will receive him with open arms.

Is it possible at all that he feels out of conrtol and wants to feel some charge. Maybe he thinks if he see's him he will feel better.
He may just need to see and know that he is better than the om

Perhaps your husband doesn't feel confident that the A is over and your hesitancy (or in his view, refusal) to set up the meeting is making him think you don't WANT him to meet the OM. It could be giving rise to a fear in him that it really isn't over.

Personally, I met the OW and found it very helpful. It helped explain many things. If you are hesitant to arrange the meeting, give your H the OM's name, phone, and address, and let him call him himself and arrange his own meeting. It sounds like he doesn't know how to contact the OM and perhaps that you are not providing the information? Would have stuck in my craw if my H had acted like that.

As for telling your H too much, your only hope at saving your marriage, IMO, is to give him whatever information he needs and to never, NEVER, skirt the issues, say "I don't remember" or lie because you think the truth would make you look bad or hurt your H. He'll sense when you aren't being honest and it will eat at him. Trust can't build in that environment.

Good luck.

I what way did you find meeting the OW helpful? Was the meeting arranged by your H or did you arrange it? What types of things did you discuss? I find that approach very interesting. I was totally against the idea and I still don't think the OM would agree. This dialog is very insightful.

<small>[ December 27, 2002, 05:45 PM: Message edited by: hello2la ]</small>

Hello,

While the potential for trouble in the meeting is there, the potential for good is also.

Here are a few possibilities that your H might be considering.

1. Your H will know what he looks like, so he will know if this man is ever around again. He won't be blind to this very simple fact. He doesn't know if this man is in church with him, much less having an affair with you.

2. He wants to see what the attraction is. If OM is very good looking and you are attracted to this type of man (assuming your H isn't as attractive) then your H has some idea of your weaknesses and knows rough who to watch out for.

3. He wants to talk to this guy and see if he is really a jerk.

4. He wants to find out if this guy is a coward or not. This particular piece of information may not seem important to you, but to your H the fact that this guy WON'T face him is important. It is important to find out what your OM is made of to your H.

5. He wants to hear his voice so that if your H answers the phone he will KNOW who he is talking to.

So many things to sort out in ones head. At the very least give your H his office number and let him call him and set this up himself. IF you can get a promise out of him that he will not end up in jail. Notice how a phrased this. Don't ask him to promise to not hurt OM, that sounds as if you are trying to protect OM. Your concern should be that your H doesn't end up in jail.

I hope something I said helps.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Perhaps you could negotiate to "show" your H what OM looks like from a distance, if OM won't agree to a meeting.

<small>[ December 31, 2002, 12:32 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

Based on the insight and the experience of some of the members of this discussion group, I attempted to set up the meeting. The OM is adamant and will under no circumstances agree. He wants nothing to do with it. What's over is over. We don't communicate anymore anyway, we live miles apart and I have disassociated with mutual friends that we knew when we worked together. I have one friend who suggested speaking with the OM on my behalf.

My H has completely shut me out. Since we are separated, he's no longer accepting my phone calls or returning emails. I don't want to give up, but perhaps my H needs time. Right now, I'm in so much pain that it's hard for me to stop trying to do something. Talking and writing are not going to work. I feel like I have no where to turn.

hello2la we men tend to go into solitary confinement when there is a tough problem that plagues us because it's part of our nature (the whole 'Men are from Mars Women are from Venus' thing) so don't be too surprised by your H's behavior. He's like an animal that is licking his wounds and growls at anybody that tries to approach him to help heal his wounds. You can't speed up marital recovery because it also depends on your H's healing enough to WANT and beleive that it's worth it. But YOU CAN be there for him if and when he wants to reach out to you but you've got to be PATIENT. In the meantime you can work on bettering yourself and try to address those issues that were key to you chosing to have an A.

This is a great place to vent and get support for your efforts in rebuilding your M, and I would just like to suggest that you post your threads in the Infidelity General Questions II board because it has a much higher traffic and exposure than the plan A/ plan B board.

I have to say I think seeing the OM is a bad idea, whatever the reason. To much opportunity for something to happen that was not intended. In my case, I honestly think I would kill him given the chance.
Michael