JohnnyB:

You might want to look up Mortarman's recent (and previous) post. He's been a model of tenacity!

Good luck to you,
-Qfwfq

<small>[ March 05, 2003, 02:02 PM: Message edited by: Qfwfq ]</small>

JohnnyB:

What is her complaint about you ?. How horrible were you ?. Have you read "Love must be tough" ?. When there is no plan A to do you might want to consider it. However you have to have a good M, not excelent one before the A.

Hang in there and keep plan A'ng, you are doing good.

-rh-

redhat:

According to her..
Her complaint begins late aug/early sept of 2002. We always planned to wait until we both graduated from college, had good jobs, and insurance BEFORE having a baby.

Well, we had finally met those needs. And in late Aug, she began crying, daily, about wanting to have a baby. I tried to tell her I would really like to wait just a few more months, make sure that my job is secure, and such.. But she kept crying daily. So (here's the first part of the complaint) I avoided her on the subject. I'd go to the other room when she cried. Honestly, I felt like she was trying to guilt me into saying yes. Finally, she stopped crying and everything was fine for a couple of weeks.

During that time, my Cousin began coming to church sunday nights, and brought his 6 week old baby with him. Us, being the saps we are, got to hold my cousin's baby through services... And NOTHING makes you want a baby more than holding a new born..

So a few weeks later (Sept 27, 2002), after me and my WW made love, I told her I was finally ready.. (complaint part 2)... She acted just a lil happy, but things began going downhill from there.. That was the last day we've made love.

Now, AFTER she moved out, she said that telling her 'yes' soo soon after she did her begging spell was like a 'slap in the face'. She said it felt like I "Broke Her Spirit", "Hurt Her Heart" and was trying to make it MY decision. She said that it made me controlling, to wait for her to give up, then come riding in like a 'knight in shining armor' to save the day.

So, to sum it up, things went south when I held my cousin's baby for a few weeks at church and caught baby fever.. I thought she'd be happy about it, but aparantly not.

She now says if I would have said yes while she was crying, or if I would have waited another month or two to say yes, then she wouldn't have got upset.

That day, she felt like I hurt her emotions worse than she had ever been hurt before, and now, to this day, she doesn't think she can trust me with her emotions again.

Honestly, I don't see the sense of it. But that's what she tells me. I reconmended we go to counseling several times through December, January, and February before she left me, and she was VERY quick to say No.

Just as a side note, she began working at this current office on Sept. 25 (which is where she met OM).....

JohnnyB:
Thanks for sharing ... I just want to know more about your M background and the situation that lead to A. I try to do my best to give my 2¢. This is my take on your situation. You have a very high chances to get your wife back but you have to keep your taker in check. As you see, OM probably sweet talk your W and mistakes of your WW to open up (emotionally intimate) to other person than you. There are many factors that against A. No support of her family and probably many other close friends, she has to live in her new world with OM. One of this day she will notice that financially she is in the loosing part with this OM. Living in the crabby apartment like you had described will put more strain in A. Basically right now, the A has been on the day light and see if it would survive. Most A would has a strained after 6 months from the exposure. Meanwhile concentrate on your Plan A specially to show that you care about her feeling and well being. Don't put down OM at all cost, don't tell her what to do (controlling issues) and don't ever blurb any information from your IL & snooping out from your mouth. Keep her comfortable to start opening up ... don't be surprise if she complaint about OM or her situation ... you should not put any negative comment or solution. SHE COULD VENT BUT YOU CAN'T JOIN IN. Just put out empathy out such as "I am sorry that it happens that way ..." or "I don't know if I could help you ... ". One last thing ... forget about plan B or tough love, it won't work !. You have to plan A all the way !, even help her out ! for the sake of her happiness.

Keep getting busy by spending more time in church or gymn but stay away from any impression that you has moved on yet not begging for her.

-rh-

On the way to the Gym this evening, I saw her car parked at a resturant (within sight of the Gym)

redhat:

Thank you for the wonderful advice. I was really afraid to even consider a Plan B. I don't get may opportunities to Plan A, but I make the best of the ones I get.

Getting her on the phone is hard, because her Cell doesn't work @ OM's apt., and I'm not supposed to know the number there, so basically I can only call her when I know she'll be at the office. I'm trying my best to not call (i WANT to call every day, several times a day) but seem to be able to restrain myself to just 1 or 2 a week to keep communications open. I was REALLY shocked when she called me a 2nd time to keep talking. I hope that means she's enjoying the conversation and will want more.

Emotionally, this has been the worst time of my life. Physically, I think I'm healthier now than I have ever been. 5 1½hour visits to the Gym a week to burn off emotional frustration is really making me feel good physically. Hopefully, it'll make me look a lil better for my WW too (Either to make her want me back, or make her jellious <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

I feel lonely a lot.. I try and go out and be with friends, just to stay busy and out of the house. But still at night, I really start missing her. I'm definatly not moving on. Right now, I'm taking life one day at a time. Becoming more active in church.. Working daily at the Gym.. Even picking up a few new hobbies (learned how to make a blanket last night, so my plans for the weekend are set)

I am still heartbroken.. My spirit feels shread to pieces.. I hurt.. But I'm not giving up. I love my wife, and I have no plans to give up.

Yup. Was her car I saw. Her MIL called. She met both her parents for dinner. Only talk she did with them was chit-chat. That's all she ever does with any of her family. She never want's to talk about 'it'. The only thing she said to them was "I don't understand why everyone's so upset about this".

Give her time, JohnnyB.

♥Qfwfq

JohnnyB:

Finish up the blanket & send it to her ♥

Qfwfq:

I don't know you could do ♥ ... I am going to copy it ... w/ your permission <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-rh-

readhat:

I didn't come up with the hearts thing, but liked it, so I use it! You can do it simply: Here's what you type, but remove the spaces I put in, because that's how it does the heart is without the spaces!

& h e a r t s
& s p a d e s
& c l u b s

I have no idea why &diamonds doesn't work, but it doesn't.

♥♠♣Qfwfq

My WW called me out of the blue on Friday. First time she's called ME without me calling her first.

Her friend @ work has a laptop for sale. She wanted to ask me if I know anyone interested, and what kind of price I think would be fair (I'm a computer tech). She then told me about her friend's new job offer (more pay, good maternity leave, some work from home time). Then I read some insurance papers that came in the mail for her, and she asked me a question about a loan paper she had..

She then asked how I enjoyed my dinner last sunday with her parents. I said "It was pretty fun. I enjoy their company". She then made a pretty acid filled comment of "Well I'm glad SOMEBODY still has a good relationship with them. Mom never want's to call ME anymore. If we talk, I have to call her.."

The truth is, my MIL told her flat out that she would NOT call a strangers house looking for her Daughter.

Basically, none of it was important stuff. Nothing she couldn't have waited to ask the next time I call. But SHE called ME!

When we got off, I did my traditional "I Love You." This time, she quite quickly just said "Goodbye" and hung up.

The fact that she called made me feel pretty good.

This past saturday made 1 month since I went on my trip to DC... I've only seen my WW for 1½ hours since then. (1 hour the night I came home and she walked out, then another ½ hour when she came over for more stuff). We've never spent more than 5 days apart since we began dating back in 1996.

I realllllly miss just being around her, but I don't think she could care any less. She seems perfectly happy with the situation the way it is. Will she ever start missing me too?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by JohnnyB:
<strong>I realllllly miss just being around her, but I don't think she could care any less. She seems perfectly happy with the situation the way it is. Will she ever start missing me too?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">While WS has A ... it depends on how skillfull OM fill in her ENs. The missing ENs from OM would open the door for you or the changes from plan A would too. Don't try to read too much from WS. If she missed you she will tell you and follow by actions. It doesn't mean that she doesn't care either. BS always has a problem with thinking that WS is happy all the time in the la la land. This 'coaster is a front seat ride for 3 people, you, WW & OM. There are happy moment and there are sad moment. By A exposed already, it keeps the heat on the price that they pay for this A.

Hang in there big boy, you are doing fine given this mess. How far the blanket is going ?, I would surprise her by sending it to her.

-rh-

Blanket is almost finished.. Turning out quite well, actually <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I just have slight reservations about giving her a blanket while she's living with OM.... Who knows what will go on under it >_< <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by JohnnyB:
<strong>I just have slight reservations about giving her a blanket while she's living with OM.... Who knows what will go on under it >_< <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Actually I would give it to her ... since it will show you have thinking & care about her (plan A), it will open up some response (communication) and it definitly make OM LB'ed (trojan horse) !. Make sure the blanket have your and her name on it ... small but visisble if some one look through it.

Just my 2¢ -rh-

Actually, I like that idea.

Sounds like a plan to me ^_^

JOHNNYB,
I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING. I'M GOING THROUGHT THE SAME THING. WH, LEFT 6 WKS AGO, FOR 3 MONTHS PRIOR HE KEPT SAYING HE WAS NOT HAPPY, HE WANTED TO DIE. I NEVER GOT A RIGHT ANSWER FROM HIM. THE I FOUND OUT BEFORE HE LEFT HIS "FRIEND" MINE 2, HEY WERE SEEING EACHOTHER. SHE IS FROM OUR BOWLING LEAGUE, EVERY ONE KNOWS ABOUT IT, THERE, WORK AND ETC... HIS FAMILY AND CLOSEST FRIENDS ALONG W/ HERS DO NOT TALK TO THEM UNLESS THEY HAVE TO. EVERYONE TALKS TO ME!!! HE WANTED TO LEAVE TO CLEAR HIS HEAD. I LET HIM GO... BIG FIGHTS STARTED!!! BAD THING TO DO. I TOLD HIM I WANTED TO DIVORCE, HE AGREED SOME WHAT RELUCTANT BECAUSE OF OUR SON (UNDER AGE 2). FOR THE LAST FEW WEEKS I HAVE BEEN HAVING FUN, MAKING THE HOUSE THE WAY I LIKE IT, I CUT MY HAIR AFTER 1 YR OF LETTING IT GROW, LOST 15 LBS!!! I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO DO THAT WHEN HE WAS HERE. STAYING IN TOUCH W/ FRIENDS. READ THE BOOK, SURVIVING AN AFFAIR, ALONG WOTH A BOOK FROM HOMER MCDONALD(ONLINE ONLY, I HAVE A COPY IF YOUR INTRESTED) STOP YOUR DIVORCE OR LOVERS REJECTION, EVEN IF YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO WANTS TO STOP IT. LOTS OF PLAN B.... I HOPE WE CAN MAKE THIS WORK, BUT YOU AND I HAVE TO MAKE US BETTER PEOPLE. TODAY HE ASKED IF I SPOKE TO THE LAWYER, I TOLD HIM NO. I SPOKE TO ONE LAST MONDAY, THE LAWYER SAID IF YOU DON'T WANT A DIVORCE WALK OUT OF MY OFFICE, SO I DID. JUST PLAY COOL, DON'T HET THEM SEE US DOWN, OR CRY OR MAD. GIVE THEM A SMILE AND A HELLO!!!
GOOD LUCK, WISH SOME OVER HERE ALSO.
DOEDOE1

Thanks for the Replay DoeDoe1.

I've been focusing on me.. Making my life better. I lost 10 lbs or so the first week or 2 after I found out about the affair (not eating...).. Now I've put all that back on plus a few.. Only this time it's not fat <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> 1½ a day, 6 days a week at the gym, and putting muscle weight on is easy! A few visits to the tanning bed and I have to say I'm looking pretty good rite now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Reading is very important. I've been through 2 of Harley's books, with 2 more waiting to be read. Also got a few other authors books. Currently reading 'Torn Assunder' by Carder. Have heard a lot of good things about it so far.

I'm sticking to Plan A as best I can. We just have verry little communication, so there's not much I can do in the way of meeting EN's. All I can do is focus on me, pray, and wait.

I've been having a hard time the past 24 hours or so. I want to talk with her about what's going on. Ask her what she wants.

Originally, when she moved out, she said she wanted space, so she didn't want me calling and bothering her, so she could think about things. This was before I EVER learned about OM.. Now she's moved in with him. Should I take that as a sign that the space issue is no longer requested and that I can call her now?

Basically, it seems everything she told me before the day she walked out was a lie. She didn't leave to think about our marriage or to have space to clear her head.. She left so she could be with OM. It has me angry for believing her. Hurt for being betrayed by her. A whole range of emotions.

But above it all, I miss and love my wife.

"Please God, give me the strength to endure this path that I'm on. Without you , I can do nothing. With you, I can see it through to the end. Father, I ask for your blessing on my life and my marriage. Show me how to follow your will. Lead me the way you would have me to live. Uncover my WW's eyes and let her see what she's doing to all of us around her. Touch and bless this holy union between souls, forged before you, in the name of marriage. Amen"

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by JohnnyB:
<strong>I've been having a hard time the past 24 hours or so. I want to talk with her about what's going on. Ask her what she wants.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bad move ... check again misapplication of plan A. Never talk/start R talk ... specially confront her. You know the answer for now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>.... Should I take that as a sign that the space issue is no longer requested and that I can call her now?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Call her for what ? ... to keep communication line open, yes, chit chat about the weather ... to get your feeling out, no way since you will make her shut you down even more. Refrain yourself. But you have to be creative to start the call, get a reason to call but not R at all.

Remember HE never leave us alone, HE will never abandon us. All of this probably for you to be a better Christian that upheld our duty to love, care and filling our wife needs as ordered. Take this time to learn more about 4 gifts of love.

God Bless you. -rh-

I just read your post to gambler. Why don't you call her to get her to help you out on finances ?. Is she a giver ? you have to be a skilfull taker. Take her offer, it helps your bill and let her spill out her giver to you. Beside it will make OM LB'ed, if she hides it from OM you know that their R won't last <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Who says men couldn't be Venusian ?. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks redhat

It's in these times of weakness I need the most support.. I know I need to avoid bringing up R talk.. I KNOW that.. it's just, that's exactly what I want to do! I guess I want her to talk about it. *sigh* Thanks for the quick snap back to reality.. I really needed that.

I do have a reson to call. I got a notice from the insurance company today that one of her Dr. bills that was in dispute has been approved for payment. She's been dealing with them for 2 months now on it, so I can call her to let her know.. I'll probably do that this evening after I get off work.

Thanks again for the reality snap. I needed it.