I am still pretty new here. I finally got my books, SAA and HNHN and am trying to initiate Plan A but am not sure if I am "doing it right". This board has been very helpful, so I thought I would gather some feedback here.

An abbreviated version of my story, married 12+ years to HS sweetie, three kids lots of "typical" ups and downs plus fair share of atypical stuff too: hubby went to war, several years later he suffered a nervous breakdown and then several years after that fell 25 ft and fractured three vertebrae in his back. He was helpless for a long time. I have been there through it all, I thought we were the "ideal" couple, now I feel like such a fool!

Nearly 1 month ago he said he "wanted a separation", I was floored and of course pressed him to why <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Ends up he had an EA for a month or so culminating in a PA with two episodes of oral sexual contact with a client (he's a massage therapist <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) just three days before and was confused and needed some "time to think". I have been on an emotional roller coaster ever since! We have started MC, he is supposed to be seeing a priest about a sexual addicts program tomorrow, and we are both attending indiv counseling as well. Still, last Saturday he moved out stating he still needed time!!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

We've had a pretty rocky week, alot of LB on both sides, really bad arguements and alot of nasty stuff. I am still somewhat furious at times and have a hard time not showing it. We still see each other everyday, but he can be hot or cold and is very depressd despite two high dose AD!!We have had sex twice since he "left me" (good? bad? wrong? not helping the sex addict thing?) Part of me says if he needs it then he will get it here. Sad part is the sexual fulfillment was not an issue, we had a very active and full sex life before the A. He agrees with that as well.

I have really been at it a day or two in earnest, and I am finding it so hard. Is it too soon for me to implement Plan A if he is still going through withdrawl? Should I not have sex with him at this time? His depression worries me and he admits to feeling "sorta" suicidal twice now, but insists he is ok now although I have witnessed some reckless and dangerous behavior (like going 110 mph on the I yesterday when I was following him to dinner- his choice, not like I was stalking him or anything <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> !!) and he is drinking alot more than usual. Right this second is asleep on the fouton next to me since he had three drinks pretty close together and got a bad headache. Those drinks are gone, but he will leave here tonight and then what?

We went through the EN stuff together today and it is clear we are on opposite ends. His #1 (admiration) is my #10 and my #1 (affection) is his #10. I know he is not capable of fulfilling my EN now (I am still the enemy apparently) and I am trying to fulfill his, but he is not very nice right now and making it hard!! He just realized he had an EA with her as well, before last night htinking it was just the sex and the "high".

He has refunded her $, told her he could no longer see her or work on her and asked her to quit calling and leaving notes, but she sees someone else in his office 2x a week and he still sees her sometimes and they just say "hi". This isn't NC is it? I asked him to arrange his schedule to not see her or close his door, but I am not 100% convinced he will. It has become apparent that she is a bit "loopy" and even though I have called her twice (she wasn't home but she knew I called) and he has told her to stop she was still pushing!! I do not think she is stable and I know he isn't!!

On top of that he attempted to go out with OW#2 the week after he told me all this about OW#1. He didn't go out with her (took me out instead!!), but spoke with her 3x and I think in his head had the start of another EA that would have been a PA giving any chance at all. She now knows the truth about the situation through a mutual friend, is back with her ex-BF and appears not to want to touch this situation wiht a 10 ft pole! But, I do not trust him at all!!! Plus, he still works on females all the time, what about the next one who comes along and admires his "touch"?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

What to do? I am praying for patience everyday, took my kids to church today (he wouldn't go) for the first time again in ages and I am trying to take care of myself and show him I am changing but he isn't helping!! Suggestions? Thanks!!

You are doing it fine. Nothing you could do but wait and try to "fix" whatever you had contibuted to this mess. If Admiration is his top EN, every time you have a chance you fill it. Also look for other top 5, you need to do them all. Basically you "negotiate" with him through your actions to show that you are as capable to fillin his needs as OWs or even better. You have to disect also all the situations lead to this A. For instance in my case, the past 5 years leading to my exW's A was rough. She stopped working (year -5), she was jealous of others who "own" home & I wasn't there trying to make ends meat (year -4). We stopped taking long vacation trips (year -3) ... My 2 D skating activities taking a toll on us. etc ... You get the picture. If you have time, lay out from the beginning of your M in 6 month intervals ... put it a major memorable moments (good or bad) ... and rate them from 1-5 (5 being good) ... plot them and see where the A in this prospective. Then delete your plot and ask your H to rate them, you might be surprise on the answer. You might see that A is the symptom not the cause ... IT IS NOT ABOUT OW or A. It is about how we protect and nurture our M. In rare cases, WS is a sex addict or philanderer all along, you have to seek what cause that too .... Actually I counsel OM's ExW ... She starts to realize that OM has a childhood "big" issues. He was emotionally shocked to find out that his first girl (17 yo & he was 13) slept in bed with his dad and broke his family. He has not had closured, treated and processed those issues ... hence there is no hope he could be in meaningful R. He had 3 Dv by now. I wish my ExW good luck.

About sex, in plan A, it is up to your comfort level, you have the choice to say no. Not in LB way but tell him that you are not comfortable right now during this situation. You know if it is his top 5 ENs you have to fill in specially when OWs might fillin in. However you have to get tested and ask him to get tested as well and for the next 6 months (until repeat HIV test is done) you have no choice but using protection. It is not for you or to punish your H but it is for your kids ...

I know plan A is suck ... it is one sided deal. Don't expect H to fillin any of your ENs. However once you are done with plan A (6 months or so) depending on your M history, you have to start plan B or else you would get hurt and would damage the chances of fullfiling M if reconsiliation ever happen.

-rh-

<small>[ June 23, 2003, 01:35 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

I know for me Plan A was about stopping the Lovebusting I had been doing nearly our entire M. Anti-d's helped (they can help over the next few months) my angry outbursts, helped me to remain calm. Then I had to work on making happy moments. His withdrawal has been pretty bad and I asked him to move out. Things are OK now, we're moving back to each other, but still more work to do. The A opend our eyes about what a M is really about. We had put up with being lazy about our M for too long. And when I wsa ready to work, he hadn't been ready yet. I think we're both in a place to really work now...