I'm not married, but in a 2 1/2 year relationship where we've been planning marriage, buying a house together and having a family. Overall, we've been incredibly happy and I can't recall any other relationship where I've felt so 'in synch' with someone ... so confident that we can have and build a life together. We spend the vast majority of our free time together, and spend most of it laughing and enjoying ourselves immensely and, even when we disagree or fight, manage to communicate very effectively and work through problems well. Overall, he treats me beautifully, very affectionate in public and in front of our mutual friends and makes no secret of how much he adores me. And he has a wonderful family that has welcomed me with open arms and makes me feel loved, and 'at home' (very important to me given that my parents and siblings are all deceased).

Now the awful part ... I travel a great deal for work (usually a week or so a month out of the country) and I have at times had a sense that something wasn't quite right at home and with him. When I've confronted him about my intuitions, only to have give me 'baby, nothing's wrong ... I love you soooo much' over and over in response ... backed up with so much feeling that I'd finally decided I was just being paranoid. Now, about two months ago, he admitted something far worse than I'd ever suspected. In our two and half years together, he's had one-night stands with four other women ... either ex-girlfriends or women he's met at conferences (one just two months ago). He says he confessed because he feels his lies and behavior have left him isolated and miserable, that he wants to change his behavior but he needs help ... and that he's been so terrified I'd find out and leave him. He begged me to go into couple's counseling to work through this with him.

The short version of 'why'... from him ... is that whenever he's feeling panicked about the relationship and insecure about himself, he feels especially vulnerable from advances from other women (he's very attractive, smart and charming and very smart attractive women hit on him all the time) ... that it, very temporarily, quells his anxieties. Each time, however, he's said that his 'indiscretion' has only reaffirmed for him how very much he wants to be with me ... at least until the next time he feels insecure and panicked and opportunity presents itself while I'm away.

We're working through this with a terrific couples counselor, but I can't shake the feeling that I would be absolutely INSANE to go into marriage with someone who has been unfaithful to me 4 times in two years ... once only two weeks into the relationship, once 6 mos in, once 1 year in and once 2 1/4 years in) ... I'm coming to grips with the reality that I've never had a monogamous partner at any time. Yes, I love him very deeply (or, at least, used to). Yes, I think that while he's made terrible mistakes, it's admirable that he at least came forward and is working as hard as he is to try and fix this & doing everything pretty much 'by the book' (he now voluntarily forwards me any email he receives from a former affair partner, and copies me on his responses that communicate something along the lines of 'I really can't communicate with you in any way shape or form anymore because I've told Mary what I did with you and I need to rebuild trust with her if I'm ever to convince her to marry me. Sorry!') But I feel dead inside ... at least when I'm not consumed with resentment, anger and hurt. I think of all the advances I've turned away over the years with a happy 'well, If I werent' madly in love with someone else, I might be interested!' and I want to kill him. My anger is compounded by the fact that his most recent affair took place when I was back east recently dealing with my mother's house and personal effects (she just died unexpectedly in December ... you'd think he'd realize I have enough of a burden right now without adding more). And I wonder if I'll ever get past the resentment and anger I'm consumed with enough to actually walk down the aisle with him and be happy about it, rather than secretly convinced that I 'settled.' I worry that, if I marry him, I may regret it the rest of my life. I worry that if I marry him, I'll always be looking over my shoulder and feeling unsafe. On the other hand, I worry that - if I leave - I may well find myself in the same situation five years down the road with someone I like half as much and who isn't anywhere near as willing to work through the issues at hand as honestly and forthrightly as he is. Maybe better to get this out of the way before marriage and learn the tools for dealing with it now, and go into it well prepared?

Advice? I change my mind about what to do every day (or, sometimes, every hour).

oops. meant to post this on 'in recovery' (apologies ... i'm not exactly all that together these days).

Hi completely_confused,

Welcome here. I haven't been here long, but I see big "red flags" with your boyfriend.

I don't blame you for being doubtful.

It's ultimately your decision, but he already doesn't have a good track record going with you.

You were having those intuitions for a reason.

As you were going with him, did he commit to be with you and you alone? Because sometimes
at boyfriend girlfriend stage, there hasn't been a promised commitment to not be with another.
That's why I am wondering.

I don't know, but I would definitely be cautious, and him having sex with that many women, you should be careful of std's.

Personally I would never give myself to a man
like that. He's to much of a stud, who didn't
really care that he was hurting you. Yes it was nice that he finally told you after 2 1/4 years, but that is just terrible. How could you ever trust a man that did that to do (if he did commit to you).
I would call him other names that would be very inappropriate here, but I'm trying to refrain from LB's and some not so nice names, like
"What a jerk!!!!!"

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

IMHO - Let him go.

4 affairs in 2 1/2 years at a time your suppose to be head over heals for each other. I wonder what he will do should your relationship become strained by the unexpected ups and downs of a marriage.

I assume your attractive as you said you have had men look at you in the past. And based on your openness and communication within your relationship I'm sure many guys would love to be with someone who wants to work on a relationship not just be in one.

Don't undrestimate yourself.

If your really concerned about him maybe try a separation and then see what happens.

It's up to you, just my thoughts

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by completely_confused:
<strong>oops. meant to post this on 'in recovery' (apologies ... i'm not exactly all that together these days).</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't kid yourself thinking you are in recovery ... you have to be in plan A or just straight dumping him. I am in favor for you to walk away from this R ... it is not about you, it is about him and his inability to be faithfull ... Class III type of affair ... he has to help himself before he could commit to M. Pain is given but misery is optional .... -rh-

Sorry Redhat ... but your comment seems a little caustic, bitter and not too helpful. Separation from his ONS partners has never been a problem; he's never seen any of them again and has no desire to ... in other words, there's no need for a plan A (hence the 'wrong place to post' comment). Indeed, for the one OW who has contacted him since I found out, he copied me on her email and openly copied me on his 'please leave me alone' response + had already broken it off with her and told her he loved me and wanted to fix things with me/change his behavior before I found out. She confirmed this in a phone call I had with her the day this all blew up: her words: 'he really loves you & he made it 100% clear he's got no continuing interest in me at all.' So also no need for me to invoke plan B because you don't have to cut off all contact from someone who voluntarily says "hey ... I never want to see the OW again, I just want you ... please forgive me for being such an idiot!" and then follows through in a credible way.

He's attended couples therapy with me weekly for 2 mos now and participated productively, openly and willingly. He attends individual therapy weekly as well. He's been very open with me when we're not in therapy & answers all of my questions in a thoughtful, introspective way. He's told his family what he did (a very big deal for him as his family's good impression of him is very important to him & he's deeply ashamed to have them know what he did) so they can help us through the crisis & so he'll feel like he can enlist their help (or mine) if he ever feels weak or insecure & at risk again. He's read a number of books on the subject, discussed them with me and really has taken to heart the "walls and windows" and other concepts from "Not Just Friends." So who the heck are you to so snidely say "you're not in recovery."

Frankly, the 'screw it; dump him' comments from the last two posters -- without any thoughtful analysis -- just makes you sound bitter, not realistic or helpful. I believe we're all human and we all blow it ... but, if we want to, we can learn from our mistakes and be redeemed. If I were in his shoes ... I'd hope I'd get another chance (and, frankly, I nearly ended up in his shoes at least 3x during our relationship out of 'oh my god, i'm about to settle down for the rest of my life!' anxiety). If I were having to beg with him to dump the other woman, I wouldn't be here anymore. If I were having to beg for him to be open with me about what happened, I wouldn't be here anymore. If I were having to drag his sorry a$$ to therapy, I wouldn't be here anymore. I'm no doormat. But, at least right now, he's doing everything right and by the book. Should I just dump him anyhow without giving him any chance at all? Sometimes I feel that way. But cut & run is how I've dealt with relationship problems in the past; this time I feel like the grown up thing to do is to at least try to work through it ... particularly since have someone willing to 'fess up to big mistakes, and to work hard at trying to fix them. Mostly, I feel like I should just participate in the process, watch what he does rather than what he says, and defer any decision until I know what my instincts say in another 9-12mos.

completely_confused,

You seek oppinion you get them, don't take it personally. I would tell you the way it is, you won't make me to agree with you. I have nothing against you nor your BF. Also most of us, except cerri and a few others, has no MB training background and are not MC either. You call MB directly to get advice, we are here for supports and give our oppinions. I am not even lay man conselor. I would stay away from your post & this is my last one to you.

I wish you the best of luck. Everyone need to be able to see them self in the mirror 10 years from now and have no regret. You do what you need to do, this is not about him. You didn't mention that he is seeing IC ... that is good, he needs to deal with his issues first, on why he strayed many times. The big red flag that you point out it was "... at least until the next time he feels insecure and panicked and opportunity presents itself while I'm away." Until he could address that issue, recovery is distance place and only through IC could help him out.

-rh-