Michealm, I am sorry to hear about the problems you have had, and the pain that you continue to go through. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t regret the decisions that I have made. You are right at the end of the day it is the children that are changed for ever, my relationship with my children has changed. My son is 4 years old and although he understands some of what is going on he still seems to be happy to a degree. My daughter on the over hand has and still is taking this whole thing very hard. She feels, rightly so I might add that I abandoned her and the family, Jade is 10 going on 20.

As many of you have noted, marriages do not break up over a single fight. The marriage was a constant struggle, as I said in another post my wife on many occasion put her family before me. My wife really never left her mother, she showed and dressed there almost everyday, she spent almost all of her time there. Don’t get me wrong her family is wonderful and I love them dearly, in fact I consider her parents as my own. I wanted so much for us to spend more time together alone, children included. After the break up I asked my wife why she never left home, she told me that I didn’t make her feel special. I guess I made her uncomfortable, and as a result of this she was unable to really cut the ties. I didn’t know I made my wife feel this way, I tried to be a good provider, husband and farther. Instead of addressing issues we pushed them under the rug, I guess the mole hill became a mountain. I guess the point to all this is we probably could have worked out all these problems however, I complicated things may be to the point of no return. For this I am truly sorry. I haven’t seen my children since last week in fact I haven’t really seen them in 10 months. I did have some communication with my wife until Friday of last week, some communication is better the no communication. My wife asked me not to call her until I had got myself together, what does that mean? May be she has moved on already, can’t say I blame her, I guess I have to jump in both feet first and pray everything will be okay.

Sorry for getting long winded, I am not the best communicator with the written word so thanks for hanging in. To the people out there that have ended relationships, I need advise do I just go and end it that simple. Where would I go in the mean time, do I just go home or wait until I can get a place to live. What do you do if money is owed and things like that, Should I talk to my wife first and let her know what my intensions are. My wife will not believe me, I have told that I would come in the past and never did because we ended up fighting.

jion35,

I would call her and tell her that you realize your mistakes and willing to do anything to ammend her. Stop and listen to her .... let her vents out and let pass her anger mode. You have to answer all her question thruthfully.

You have to write NC letter and tell your wife that it is ready to be delivered regardless her answer is.

She is waiting for you I don't know for how long but she told you to get your act together !. Reread on q&a on How A should End !. You tell her about this web site and you are willing to work on M based on its principal.

Go home before it is too late.

-rh-

That is a story Jion35 and very sad indeed. Children are resilient that is why the 4year old can appear more carefree. Your poor daughter. I hope this does not have any long-term effects in her life,as daughters are usally closed with their fathers.

Jion35, I'm a bit confused. You want to end a relationship...with you, your wife or your OW? If it is the OW, you need to just END it. No explanations are needed. Of course, emotions will run high, but if you are ready to go home, then it shouldn't bother you. Remember the principles, adulterous affairs are born from deceit. You know have the opportunity to come clean. If you are going back, you have to go back all the way, no empty promises.

Redhat,

Thank you for the help, you are right I need to get home ASAP. I will go and check the q and a so I can get some information however, my wife was clear in the fact that she does not want me to call.

Jion...it sounds like your wife has implemented Plan B...No contact. This is when the BS says that he/she will not be in a relationship until your relationship with OW is over. It does not mean that they do not love you, want you back or are willing to work on their marriage...it is just the opposite. They only want to love, want and work on the rleationship. Plan B (read up on this in the intro) is protection for the BS to stop the craziness that they have endured. It does not decrease their feelings and is realy quit difficul for them as well, but they require protection. THis is probably why your spouce will not speak with you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jion35:
<strong>.... my wife was clear in the fact that she does not want me to call.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then shows up in person ... I would crawl to her if I have too. Jion, when people angry they say a lot of thing that they mean to. "Get your act together", I would even dump OW first, send her an NC letter via fedex and kept a copy for your wife, pack your belonging and call your W. Again it is not about the mistake but it is about what you do afterward.

-rh-

Resigned,

You are right to the piont, you are saying just end it and go home. I am going on a trip for work on Monday, I will probably be away for two weeks do you think it would a good idea to just leave and never come back.

Redhat and Resigned,

I have a lot of reading to do, I should probably have done that before I got started. Man thing I guess I never read the instructions, even life has instruction. I am going to go to the beginning and start reading I will be in contact with you, thank you for your help, The more I understand about what is going on the better I will be able to deal with the problems. I think that may be a big part of this I should understand and accept that there is going to be anger.

Jion...it depends on where you are going? I think I'm a bit confused. You are going away for two weeks for work, do you mean go and never come back and stay where you are from work or go home? Or, do you mean, leave your place where your living know and then sort things out? I thing I confused myself.

Go away for work and never go back to OW or go away for work and never retrun home?

I am going to be working in North Carolina for one week and the following week will be spent in Iowa. I will be returning home to my present location after the Iowa trip. I thought it would be a good time to end the OW thing since I wouldn't be around. Also, it would give me the time to sort out a place to stay while I reastablish myself with my family.

I would definitely end the OW thing before you go on your 2 week thing to give you some time to be isolated from OW. Make sure you never contact her again, because if you do you will set your recovery timer back to 0.

It sounds like you are coming out of the "fog" of realizing what it is you have done. I highly recommend reading up on this site. It may give you a lot of insight as to what your wife is trying to do to save your M and give you better understanding of what you did and what you need to do.

It is important that you make long term changes in you for yourself and in your M so these things don't happen again.

The best of luck!

Jion, that sounds like a good start. Is your OW aware that you are contemplating your mariage? If not, are you preppared to face her and the consequences of her behavior?

The reason I ask is that my H also promised on many occasions that he was returning home. I received a boquet of roses each time. He spent a great deal of money on the flowers, but each time he didn't return, all I was left with were the thorny stems. Be prepared to give your children and your wife your undivided attention. Be prepared for the awkwardness, be prepared for lots of things which will make it difficult, but most of all, you need to be PREPARED. Good Luck Jion....

Resigned

No the OW does not no that I am interested in going home, well that my not be true. I think even the OW can see that I am having a hard time. It will be hard however, I am suffering, I will have a lot more problems in future than I have now if I continue to stay this path. Other people have told me that my wife is using the plan B method, I can tell you this, I have spoken to my wife good and bad for the better part of 15 years. Not having her around is causing me a great deal of pain, she is or was my guiding light, the mother of my children and my best freind. I am hoping to make some big changes in the up coming weeks. Once again thank you for your compassion and help.

Son,
I agree with your plan to leave the ow and go be with your wife,best friend. Invest all of your time into working your way back into their lives for they seem to be the only one's that seem to truley love you. You are fortunate to have a bestfriend that will take you back I now look back and also see that my wife was also my bestfriend. You can always get another spouse but bestfriends are truley hard to come by and you have found both in one person. Good families are also hard to find. If this ow cared for u then she would have sent u on your way home where u belonged with your family . If you owe her money make a loan pay her off and be done with her forever or son like I told you before you will cry like I for 22 years!!!!!You must leave the ow b4 you go away, avoid all contact with her and take your time in rebuilding a relationship with your wife and children. She is only out to win the fight and then she will be gone. I have been through this and it has affected me worse than a terminal disease. Atleast with a terminal disease you know that death is in sight. This however is a life of sadness and sometimes I thought about if I would have rather spent my days fighting with my wife having the kids screaming outloud or alone like I have been for sooooo long? What would you choose? Obviously I choose the wrong choice and I suffer with that decision everyday even after 22 years. Iam giving you advice like you were my own son, so hopefully you will take my advice and the others since the entire group that has been there and done that all feel the same!!! We ALL can't be wrong can we? Good luck for now and cut all ties NOW!!!!Keep in touch!
Micheal

Dear Jion 35,

Since you do not have a clear plan for separting from the other woman, I will share some of my strategies for when I have felt I had to separate from my wife for a few hours or a day.

You will need access to some of your belongings. I have two storage locations. One is a mini storage. You can get a space fo some $50.00 per month, to keep your belongings that you don't want to lose. Just buy a lock. Like clothing that is seldom worn, but still wearable. Personal Papers.

You will need to take a shower sometimes. They have showers at my job, what about your work? I have a ditty bag with shower items and clean underwear. It is a small fee to join the YMCA for a year, and they have showers. You can join a church for a small donation,and committment to make a yearly donation. That is a good source of support from others, as well as supportive social acitivitis, and some churches have showers.

You will need a place to sleep sometimes. I have a utility van, and can sleep in the back, without being detected by passers by. There are closets at work, that are abandoned at night, so I have cardboard stashed behind some boxes, so I can clean the floor, put the cardboard down and lie down to go to sleep. I have another ditty bag with a small pillow. I have a PDA, that has an alarm feature. Beepers and some cell phones have alarms. I sometimes park the car at a storage facility and catch a nap. Look in the papers, and super market aand church bulletin boards, for a cheap room to rent.

So being homeless on a budget is a challenge, but there are ways to make it work.

A first move would be to get valuable, irreplacable items from the house of the other woman and put them in storage. You need to get into a position of power with the other woman. I use rtelescoping boxes taht will stack. i get apple boxes, with tops, from the super market, I put labvels on each end, so I can easily see what is in each box.

My wife likes to tear things up when she loses her temper. You should be prepared for the other woman to become enraged during part of the process. Get your key personal belongings into a secure location before starting any fireworks with the other woman.

You will need a place to pay your bills, and do personal paperwork. I use the public library, quiet room. I put my bills in a back pack, like a student, and write out my checks at the library.
You wil probably want to put some of your files on floppys from the computer at the Other Woman's house, so you can leave and not come back.

Congratulations on considering becoming homeless.

As far as your wife won't talk to you, work the kids. "Mommy, Daddy says he has to sleep in his car cause he doesn't have anyplace to sleep. Why can't he sleep here?"

Work your wife's parents. Let them know you wish to reclaim your fatherhood. Listen to their ideas of what to do. Develop a plan for handling disagreements with your wife in the future, so that you both have time and space to cool down without further hurting each other.

Quipper,
Married 28 years and still struggling.

<small>[ July 29, 2003, 06:30 PM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>

Quipper

This sounds just about the way I have been living for the past months, until about 2 weeks ago I was sleeping on the floor at work. I had almost everything and still do have almost everything in the back of my truck. I had been sleeping in the back of the truck until the police pulled me out and searched me and the truck. I think that I am going to just end the OW thing and then just try to go home after my trip to North Carolina. I wish could talk to my wife about this before however, I said I wouldn't bother her until this was done. I have to just jump in with both feet, a leap of faith so to speek.

As a matter of interset, and forgive me for saying. You live like this, is this the best way to work on a marriage? Anyway thanks for the input, I will try my very best to get through this, homeless is scary and not an option I like to think about.

Jion35, Quipper's suggestions sounded a bit off-the-walls, but he's write. I would suggest a friend as a possibility, but I do not know your circumstance.

How are you fareing? Have you been reading up? Have yuo read any of the Harleys work?

Resigned,

I have not been able to read that much since I am at work, at lunch time today I will spend some time reading Harley. Quipper's input is good I get the piont do what ever it takes to get through, I have spent some time in the army so I have some idea of what rougthing it is like.

Jion35, I cannot imagine living like Quipper says, but, unless I am mistaken, he seems to think it works. I think if you give your spouce the conviction and display and honest effort, they will be opposed to helpng you somewhat. I certainly offered enough times to nmy spouce. He appreciated it as well and said as much, It is diffcult to give up comfots, trust me, my H was a great comfot to me.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but your wife won't talk to you, write? She's doing write by herself...she is protecting herself from further sadness. Do you believe your spouce loves you Jion? If yes, then you are half way there, man. As a woman, a BS, a long-time wife ane grieving, I would be more than happy to offer advise from the other end.

Resigned,

You are being very helpful, thank you. I do think that my wife loves however, I think that I have done to much to her over the last months for her to forgive me. I am very sad about what I have done, some times I think that I should leave her so she can just move on and restore her happyness. I would like to talk with her without intruding on what she is doing, my mother in law is someone I have always gone to in times of need, and now I don't even have her to go to. Yes am lost and by myself, so any input would be great.