Found out just before Thanksgiving that my wife of 24+ years had been having an affair for the last year. Have spent the last month mostly together trying to sort things out. Found this site and bought two of Dr. Harley's books. Instituted Plan A last week with a 6 month timetable. Last night she told me she wants a seperation and will probably start seeing OM again. Plan B is starting early, but at least we both now have a direction. The sooner she finds out what her new life will really be like the sooner she may come back. So now am implementing Plan B with a 6 month limit, maybe longer. Feel much better today than yesterday because at least there seems to be some resolution rather than just floating around wondering what she's doing and who she's with. Now I can just assume the worst and know that we may be 1 day closer to reconciliation. When we last parted I left her knowing that I loved her more than anything in the world and the last month has been only love units with no love busters.<BR>She now has "Surviving an Affair" which I found most helpful and I hope she does too.<BR>Thanks all for your counsel and support, have a Happy New Year. <P> Gale

Just because there is a separation... there is no need to start Plan B!... <P>See my posts on both <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/011323.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/011046.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101</A>!<P>Consider 2 sessions with Steve Harley before moving to Plan B!!! This is a <B>huge</B> step!<P>Happy New Year... <P>Jim

Would like help/explanation of how to implement Plan A while seperated. She doesn't want the phone calls, flowers and other things I have been trying to do to show her I love her and try to build some love units in her love bank. Will hold off on Plan B until I have more info. Read the Plan B letters in NSR's post. Very good.

Honest... I've been at Plan A since August, Chris for over 9 months, Terri... who knows how long...<P>I, like you, am being verbally abused... no flowers, no gifts, no nothing... <P>Let's talk tomorrow about this!...<P>I'm taking my kids out for the New Year's and am a little rushed!<P>Patience... <P>Happy New Year...<P>Jim

Sheesh, Jim, you made me laugh with that "who knows how long... Shall we count the days? 15.5 months since "discovery," 13.5 months since he moved out.<P>Gale, I'm sorry we are meeting here, but I'm glad you came. There's so much information here and so much support from the participants.<P>In my experience, Plan A is actually EASIER in some ways when the spouse has moved out. That way, you can take time to calm yourself, work on yourself, become self-sufficient and not have your nose rubbed in the affair all of the time. Concentrate on what you need to do to help YOU become a better person!<P>No, it's not easy to be separated in general, and it's surely not fun. But you can have a happy and rewarding life even while separated - without dating, either!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I believe in miracles...<P><BR>

I was ready to go to plan-b yesterday. Then I talked to Steve Harley and he told me to stay in plan-a until going into plan-b doesn't seem like punishment in my Ws eyes.<P>Harley's princioles defy all logic and reason, however when you realy understand them they make sence.<P>Did you read my thread on poaitve thinking. It shows what I think we are up against if we want our marriages.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Gale,<P>Terri and Bill are saying it straight...<BR>(Thanks terri... I honestly didn't know how long you've been at it... are you the "longest" running <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>-er? or is it Nellie?... oh well.)<P>Gale...<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> is not meant to be used just because you spouse moves out!!!<P>It is only to be used when the love in your <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A> drops sooooo low that your feelings of resentment far... Far... FAR... outweigh any "good" feelings you may have. The signs for this are anger... moments of hatred(at her or yourself)... verbally or physically attacking your spouse. Moments of melancholy, indifference, separation, or just your "garden variety" depression are not reasons to go to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>. It must be for the protection of your love for her. The transition from a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> to a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> should not "be announced"... and has to be made seamless by having at the transition the greatest show of love to her right before <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>.<P>I too felt just like you... and my W moved out over 4 months ago...<P>My W continues to be abusive to me in all actions I make... I don't post all the things she does to me in my replies or posts... but there is only hatred and resentment in her heart toward me! My sessions with Steve Harley made it clear... that no matter how good I thought my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> was... since my W didn't see any changes in me (based on her attitude)... I should continue in Plan A!!! Even if I <B>don't know what to do</B> (Steve says...) <B>trial and error</B> in sending her messages of changes in me... about meeting her <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>... <B>is what I need to do!</B><P>I strongly, Strongly, STRONGLY recommend that before <B>you</B> go to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>... contact Steve Harley for 2 sessions!!!! He is <B>very</B> perceptive. He will use the first session as an introduction more than anything else... and in the second session... after reviewing your situation... will enlighten you about "how good was your <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>"... was... and if it was long enough... etc.<P>Bill(WilliamJ) who posted too... took my advice... and he too learned... <B>WE ALL OVERESTIMATE THE QUALITY AND TIME OF OUR<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>s!</B> Bill isn't the only one... ask around by posting your questions.<P>Now... how do you do a "long-distance" Plan A... This is tough... no doubt about it! If you have frequent contact... great... if not it becomes much harder. Steve will ask you to fill out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4120_lovebustq.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters Questionnaire</A>... You might as well do it in advance before a session with Steve. If your W will fill it out and share it with you... all the better! Consider also filling out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4110_emndsq.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs Questionnaire</A>! <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> is the <B>absolute last time</B> to try an fulfill any of these <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> (as well as... of course... eliminating all <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>... right terri... and K)! That's why <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> has to be soooo good... in quality and duration!<P>If you W is going to read any book... (over and beyond <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A>), have her read <LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0393307077" TARGET=_blank><B>Private Lies :</B> Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy</A> by Frank Pittman... a real eye-opener for the betrayer!<P>I hope this helped a little...<BR>Wait for others to respond too... this weekend should be pretty <B>s l o w</B> !<P>Jim