They don't know yet that their affair is out in the open.
I think your missing the point. It IS in the open. People don't care. It happens.

Let's say you give her a short note and tell her you've told people. Tehn what? Everyone already knows.

I thought exposing the affair was the right thing to do. At least this is what I was told. Why would exposing the affair make this last a much longer time???
It IS the right thing to do. And it has been exposed. Since it seems to not be having an effect, there is not much you can do except wait. Exposing an affair does not make it last longer.

But when they are not concerned with what others think, then there is not much else you can do except wait.

Send her a very short note if you feel the need. It can't hurt.

But I think she'll only think, "? Why did he tell me this? Everyone seems to know already."
She may get mad at you, assuming that NO ONE has made ANY reference to knowing it is going on. But since so many people already know, I wouldn't bet on it.

<small>[ August 15, 2003, 04:45 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by redhat:
<strong>[QUOTE]Originally posted by Monty:
[qb]RH QUOTE]

Are you sure that they don't know or they don't care ?. The amount of peoples know are not small at all. -rh-</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't really know for sure and it maybe that they don't care. I did talk to my W two weeks ago when I handed her my Plan B letter and talked to her for a long time. No LBs! I just calmly asked questions. At that time she was still asking who knows that we are separated. She never ask if people knew about her and OM. She said that even if she ended it with OM she wasn't ready for counseling. When I asked her would she end the affair, she denied it was an affair but admitted to intimacy. She said since it started after we separated that it wasn't an affair. I knew better and so does she but I didn't argue at all. I knew that if I challenged, she would go negative. We left friendly with a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did SH know that many peoples already know ? or he instructed you to open it up to OMW. Letting OMW know and out on the open the other end would help to inject the reality.
-rh-</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, SH never asked how many and I never thought to tell him. I can only hope that the exposure doesn't embarrass her so much that she feels like she can never come back.

The OMW has known from the beginning. To re-hash. OM and OMW have been married for 28 years and separated for 15 mos. They have repeatedly tried to reconcile but he has a drinking problem and has had it for their whole marriage. She wanted out of her house as she was in an abusive family (alcohol). The marriage went well until she had a child. He became jealouse and drinking got worse. He is physically abusive when drunk with anyone who upsets him. When he threatend to kill her, she threw him out.

OMW didn't mind them dating and having sex, but got angry when she found out my W was living with OM!!! What's the difference, it's all adultery!
When OMW got angry a few days ago, she told OM's family (who want OM to go to AA, stop drinking and reconcile with his W). They don't approve of my W dating OM even as friends (The Big Lie)

Told this to my W but she says he is never drunk and is always nice, but does drink some. Either OM is lying to my W and on his best behavior, or OMW is lying to justify her position, or my W is lying to not look like a fool for choosing an alcoholic. The truth is probably somewhere in between.

Now OMW is not wanting a D now because she needs him for financial support. Wants to stay separated until he can kick drinking problem but if not, still needs his support.

Meawhile, I trust in God, hope for miracles, but may get a different one than what I am praying for.

Thanks RH

Monty,

Plan A/B is not about her or being nice/hurtfull to her ... it is about your actions to negotiate to end A. You did your best and keep it up. Doing more won't make it easier or harder.

Hang in there, they are still in a honeymoon period.

-rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Monty:

"To re-hash. OM and OMW have been married for 28 years and separated for 15 mos. They have repeatedly tried to reconcile but he has a drinking problem and has had it for their whole marriage. She wanted out of her house as she was in an abusive family (alcohol). The marriage went well until she had a child. He became jealouse and drinking got worse. He is physically abusive when drunk with anyone who upsets him. When he threatend to kill her, she threw him out"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It never ceases to amaze me the 'winner' OP's the WS's chose to have A's with and leave their spouses and families for <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . Now more than ever I'm convinced that ,given a few months, your WW will rue the day she left you and your D for the OM.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Chris -CA123:
<strong>They don't know yet that their affair is out in the open.
I think your missing the point. It IS in the open. People don't care. It happens.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That isn't quite true. I guess I didn't explain my point very well.

OM and WW are very secretive because they think no one knows. OM is beginning to be seen with WW with a very select few of his immediate family and still introduces her just as a friend.

My WW on the other hand, has kept OM a secret from all of our friend and families. She has says she has dated a friend, but doesn't give any detail and is very careful not to let anyone know that they are intimate and has let no one see them together. They still sneak to each others houses in secrecy. Why? I think WW is thinking if this doesn't work out she can come back without the embarrasment of people knowing she had an affair. Believe me she doesn't want this made known until after the divorce, which she hasn't said to me, but told my D (who in turn told me) that she MIGHT file at the end of August.
I think I know what she wants but she is still seems to be in doubt. Only my opinion and sorry about any confusion.

I’m really confused. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Previously you said;
Quite a few. I would say 80 or so. It would be our volleyball club (22 besides us) These are our best friends for the last 16 years. I confided in my closest friends of those and they gossiped to the rest. My family (about 30), WW's B and SIL, and about 8 to 10 of her coworkers. I didn't tell them. They know because they helped her to cheat, some even provided her a room at their houses.

And now you say;
OM and WW are very secretive because they think no one knows.
If everyone knows, then everyone knows! It’s not a secret! Even if YOU don’t tell your wife or the om that you told everyone.

My WW on the other hand, has kept OM a secret from all of our friend and families.
They know she is having an affair. (See above) How can it be a secret?

Believe me she doesn't want this made known until after the divorce
?!? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> What doesn’t she want to be known? She’s having an affair and everyone already knows it.

You say everyone knows and it’s not a secret and you also say no one knows and it’s a secret.

Did you tell everyone you that she had an affair previously or that she is having an affair now? Is this where we all are confused?

I think I know what she wants but she is still seems to be in doubt.
Problem is she is “thinking” with her feelings (for him) and her brain (for you).

She is confused because “it feels so good” to be with him but it’s you she’s married to.
This is “normal”. After a while, the affair will crash. Meanwhile you need to be strong and making a plan.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Chris -CA123:
[QB]I’m really confused. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hummmm??? How can I make sense of this.. Let me break it down into groups.

Note:Keep in mind that OM and WW have their own residences and sneak back and forth every night. No one but myself and OMW have witnessed this.

WW's Co-Workers:
1. They know WW is having an affair.
2. WW doesn't care. ww thinks they will keep her secret and they have, but another person, not a co-worker told me.
3. WW and co-workers believe that I don't know they helped her cheat.
---------------------------------------------

OM's Family:
1. They know he's hanging around with an old friend (my WW) but don't know it's an affair.
2. Some are getting suspicious but have not proof.
3. Only his father and OMW know that he is in love with my WW. OMW know it's and affair but his father doesn't know for sure.
4. No one else in his family knew they were intimate. They still thought he loved his BS.
----------------------------------------------

My Family:

1. WW thinks none of them knows and is keeping it a secret from them.
2. I told them, so they all know of the affair.
3. She doesn't know I told them and thinks her secret is safe from them.
-----------------------------------------------

Our Friends including volleyball club:

1. WW thinks none of them know she is having and affair.
2. I told them, so they know of the affair.
3. She doesn't know I told them and thinks her secret is safe from them.
4. I told 4 very close friends she was seeing someone. She knows this, but she went after me and told them it was just and old friend and nothings is going on. So she thinks her secret about the affair is safe from them. But really they know better but didn't counter WW.

To my knowledge, no one who knows of the affair, other than her co-workers has said anything to WW. So She thinks it's a secret from everyone but her co-workers whom she trusts.

She doesn't feel that she has been exposed. I have not sent a letter or told her that I told everyone else.

If that doesn't explain things, I don't think I can do any better.

It’s not difficult.

Everyone knows they are having an affair, it’s not a secret & there is nothing to expose.

She can “think” it’s a secret but that doesn’t make it one.

She doesn't feel that she has been exposed. I have not sent a letter or told her that I told everyone else.
So??? A secret is when no one knows. But that is surely not the case here.

Don‘t send her a letter. Since everyone already knows, the letter would be a BIGTIME lovebuster in that the ONLY reason for you to send it, is to get her pissed off and that is not the MB way.

<small>[ August 16, 2003, 12:15 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

I agree with Chriss that sending your 'notice of exposure' letter is not a good idea.

If and when you do send her the Plan B letter please consider conveying to her the following:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wife every day that you continue having contact with the OM, is one more day that more of my love for you DIES. Eventually all of my love for you will die and I will no longer have any desire to remain married to you. That is NOT an ultimatum but a statement of FACT. These 'talks' do nothing but speed up that loss of love. Please DO NOT contact me again</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hopefully that will get the message across in her mind as to the importance of her observing and respecting your Plan B no contact

Monty,

Did SH get the same explaination you gave us ?. SH might be misunderstood it the same way as all of us. A IS EXPOSED, NOTHING MORE TO DO. They are all supporting A which show their moral values.

Focus on what you are going to send for her stay in the hospital and do my 4 to do for you. Then call SH for an appointment.

-rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by redhat:
<strong>Monty,

Did SH get the same explaination you gave us ?. SH might be misunderstood it the same way as all of us. A IS EXPOSED, NOTHING MORE TO DO. They are all supporting A which show their moral values.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, we discussed it in generalizations. A line of questions he asked changed the topic before I really got to understand. I never remembered to go back to it. I THOUGHT I understood that I was to let her know that others knew and her secret was out. That may have been a misunderstanding on my part.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Focus on what you are going to send for her stay in the hospital and do my 4 to do for you. Then call SH for an appointment.

-rh-</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">RH, what are your 4 to do for you???

Monty,

I fortgot to list it for you, sorry. You sit. similiar to rookie.

1. Strick plan B, no but or if.
2. Stay away from OMW, only exchange Info.
3. Talk to your lawyer.
4. Lay low

Of course for #1 you are under SH's coaching to show your "concern" not love to do something for her stay in hospital.

-rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by redhat:
<strong>Monty,

I fortgot to list it for you, sorry. You sit. similiar to rookie.

1. Strick plan B, no but or if.
2. Stay away from OMW, only exchange Info.
3. Talk to your lawyer.
4. Lay low

Of course for #1 you are under SH's coaching to show your "concern" not love to do something for her stay in hospital.

-rh-</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks RH
PS. I still have not decided about telling my WW that I have revealed her affair. I am still soliciting opinions. Ultimately, I will have to live with the decision and consequences.

Monty,

When in doubt ... do nothing. When you need the answer badly ... call SH (you pay the big $, use it. We are just a bunch of layman.). SH probably is waiting for a new development ... that is after the visit in the hospital.
-rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by redhat:
<strong>Monty,

When in doubt ... do nothing. When you need the answer badly ... call SH (you pay the big $, use it. We are just a bunch of layman.). SH probably is waiting for a new development ... that is after the visit in the hospital.
-rh-</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds like excellent advice. I'll take it. And layman or not, I value your words and support.

Thanks