This is the second day...i am sticking to the plan...have not had any contact with him...BUT how long should i wait? I feel like i can only wait for one week and if he doesn't buckle by the end of one week i am going to see the divorce lawyer!!!

I have decided not to approach the OW...i feel there is no point at this moment...

Plan B doesn't seemed to work for me. I thought in a day he would come back to reconcile but he has not.

I can't live like this. I am so tired.

I have started to tell immediate family/close friends about the affair. Surprisingly...a lot of them offer to talk my husband. I don't know what good that will make but i told them to go ahead, anyway.

So you guys...is one week too short?? Should i wait longer??...

zizzycool,

Saya dari Indonesia.

Listen, I don't think you get the concept of MB at all. Have you read how A start and how it should end ?. Read it the come back to post here again.

For WH, it is about 6 months. So 2 days is nothing at all. BTW, have you read about withdrawal ?. There would be many false start but as long a there is accountabilty to prevent for the next occurance you should not go to plan B.

What does plan A mean to you ? & how long ?, care to share the whole profile of your M to date ?

-rh-

I found out about the affair 3 weeks ago. I did everything..give him empathy...filled his emotional needs etc etc. I would say that i did everything by the book. I did not scream at him or gotten angry like a jilted wife should. I understand that this is all what they called an accidental infidelity. I gave him 5 days to decided...me or her. He came back to me. Then the withdrawal started. I thought he could handle it but he couldn't. Secretly he started contacting her again but claimed he had not meet up with her. But he told me the truth when i confronted him about the calls. Then i made him promised me no more contact. Two days ago i found out he lied again and broke the promise. He said he was not ready to give her up.

That was when i decided he had to move out...plan B...

Now a good friend of mine told me i should let him come back home this weekend...to get a taste of family life...not to let him back for good...just to have dinner and play with daughter...maybe, my friend said...this might sway the him back to the right track. What do you think? Should i? It does sound like a good idea...i am still completely determine not to take him back unless he agrees to my conditions...the family dinner thingy might remind him of what he is missing...

I read about the 6 months time period...i am not sure if i can wait that long...its like living in limbo...2 days is already driving me crazy...

Red..there is no marriage counselling where i am staying...even mother playgroup is non in existence...so i have to depend on myself and hopefully some good friends who is willing to talk to him...

Even though you are hurting, angry, confused, etc., you really need a heavy dose of patience. Please slow down, formulate a plan, and stick to it. It takes times for MB principles to work. You are not in a position to be making demands at this early point, this will only cause him to withdraw more. Also, your child needs to see Daddy. Go back to Plan A, get some counseling, and breath deeply. Rash action here will be very damaging to all concerned. I am praying for you. God bless!

How can i go back to plan A when he doesn't want to give her up...how can i live like that knowing everyday he is lying to me and keeping in contact with her??

zizzycool,

Have you deal w/ a drunk ?. When they are drunk who r they going to choose ? you or the bottle ? You know the answer.

Didn't scream and get angry are good that is what we call on of the LB. However you pose a demand on him (choosing) that he might not capable to make at this point this is a LB. You have to support him in his withdrawal. If he slip, find out the way to prevent it next time. Plan A is not no LB. You have to avoid LB at all cost, fillin his ENs and PLAN A!. Plan A is about looking what cause WS unhappy and show to WS that you could change.

Please contact OW family.

However you have made the decision I think you should wait for his move. Begging or appearent of taking him back w/o condition is simply worst than kick him out in the first place. Yes, you have to put condition to prevent future contact.

By the book <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> In SAA, John (BS) even help Sue (WS) to move out and plan A almost 'till the end. Do you simply kick your WH out w/o PBL ?. There are MC !. W/ MB conselor is via the phone but it is extremely costly when you convert it to Ringgit. However look around and ask around. Check your local church if you are a christian.

Slow down, don't do nothing at this point. Relook your situation while waiting.

-rh-

Zippycool,

You said it's only been about three weeks and from your post I feel think that your still experiancing many stages of grieving. Your bouncing from shock, to anger to barganing. All normal stuff.

I'm almost 7 months from dday when my WW left. She went NC on me and I've talked to her 3 times since the first of June. I and others know exactly how you feel.

Read this site and the ideas along with some books regarding affairs. "not just friends" and "after the affair" are great choices.

In time you will calm down and feel a little more stable. Sleep, eat, and remember the changes your willing to make need to be changes you want to make for yourself first. If not they will not last.

This is the lastest news...

I have been out of action last week. Had an abscess growing in the place where the sun don't shine and it was agonising pain!!!. 2 days i tolerated the pain thinking it was hemorroids. I had to call hubby back for help. Was admitted to the hospital for minor surgery. Hubby was so warm and caring.

Of course the OW was constantly in my mind during the whole ordeal. But a good male friend of mine told me don't assume, don't presume. So that is what i am chanting now whenever i get crazy thoughts about him and her.

Since sending him packing last week...he spent only two nights at home before and after surgery. And even then he slept in the other room.

Surprisingly last night i felt okay. Had not has any of those crying meltdown stuff since saturday.

I told myself to moving on.

I cannot go back to Plan A. So i call this a plan A and a half... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

When he is around home...i give him EM but he still has to leave this house at night. I will not tolerate the existance of OW. That is not negotiable.

I told him the door is always open for him. I even say to him come back home. He knows i want him to end the affair with OW before i take him back completely. He has stayed away from giving me any answers.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by zizzycool:
<strong>I told myself to moving on.

I cannot go back to Plan A. So i call this a plan A and a half... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is good that you prepared yourself for the outcome <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . There is no plan B w/o plan A ... let alone plan A.5 there is no such thing. What you are doing is "tough love".

Hang in there.
-rh-

<small>[ October 07, 2003, 10:43 AM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

How long should i go on with plan B???
You should set a "goal" of 2 years.

I feel like i can only wait for one week and if he doesn't buckle by the end of one week i am going to see the divorce lawyer!!!
If you want to do it out of anger or spite, then it's not a good time to do it. You will decide when you don't love him and are not doing it out of anger.

So you guys...is one week too short?? Should i wait longer??...
Considering you only found out about the affair three weeks ago, you should wait at least another 2 months before you make ANY decision. You are still going through a bunch of emotions.

Plan B doesn't seemed to work for me.
Plan B WILL work if you stick to it. It may not save the marriage, but it will help you get through all thyis with much less crapola.

Plan B also REQUIRES a Plan B letter.
You say you are in Plan B. What does this mean? Did you send a letter? Did you tell him to get out?

Take a breath and relax BEFORE making any decisions.
Read the links below.

He came back!

Last week i decided to take a break. I planned the whole trip without giving him a hint. Only told him about 15 min before boarding. He started calling me frantically but i did not take any of his calls. Later when i have arrived at my destination only then did i take his calls. He was furious and wanted to know why didn't i tell him my plans. I did not give him any answers but told him that i needed a break and will be back in a week time.

During that whole week we kept in touch.

The break did a whole lot of good for me. I was no longer feeling that anxiety attack of losing him anymore. In fact i was prepared to lose him.

I came back yesterday and i was feeling pretty cold towards him.

Then later at night he talked. He said he wanted to come back to us. It was what i had wanted to hear but i did not feel happy at all. He said he was sorry and that he had end it completely with OW. He said there are no guarantees in life but he was willing to make this marriage work.

So this is where i am now.

Yes i took him back and now working to make this marriage stronger.

I hope this is the end of the crisis...

zizzycool,

Make sure you read how A should ends. He has to show his actions not words ... get NC letter going.

-rh-

ZC:

You took him back? Did he send OW the NC letter?
You are taking the word of someone who betrayed you.

What conditions are in place to reveal the marriages flaws (and the corrective steps to take for them) and what boundries you have put in place to prevent it happening again ?

Hey, it's your life...but at this point he has a lot of proving to do. And, if you do not get him to agree with it (POJA) then you are asking for trouble in the future.

Just my .02.

what is an NC letter?????!

Can find in the list of "most common MB ancronyms"...

Does NC letter mean Non contact letter?

He told me he ended it with her. I know there is nothing to prove that he did it only his words and the last time he lied. I was a bit skeptical about that. I am not sure how else to get him to prove it.

He actually did not fullfilled my first condition for coming back. I wanted him to tell me her office address and her residential address but he did not want to tell me. He gave a lot of silly excuses which i have a hard time believing. But my friends told me that my first condition is not important except that he is willing to come back and work on the marriage.

So what should i do now? So i insist on that letter or something????

zz,
NC is no contact letter. Please go back to the forum and go through Basic Concept ... Learn it.

-rh-

He told me he ended it with her. I know there is nothing to prove that he did it only his words and the last time he lied. I was a bit skeptical about that. I am not sure how else to get him to prove it.
The N/C letter.

He actually did not fullfilled my first condition for coming back.
Of course not. Pretty typical unless you have a SOLID plan in place BEFORE the ws returns. If you do not have one, get one now or else it will continue.

thanks for the warning. I was so relived to hear him say those words that i forgot completely about asking something of an NC letter.

Anyway later that day after reading your postings i asked him for proof that he ended it with her. I found out that although he had sort of agreed not to contact her anymore, OW had not. Neither did he asked her not to contact him. So i told him this is the opportunity for him to prove to me that he is sincere by calling OW in front of me and end the contact. He did not do it so i gave ultimatum. During lunch the next day then only he did it. He called her and told OW not to call or SMS him anymore and if she did, he would not answer her calls. I was so relieved to hear that.

Then early this morning i called the OW. She hung up on me before i could even utter a single word when she knew it was me. So i SMS her...i wrote..."stay away from my husband or i will find u and make your life miserable. I will never give him up" About an hour later she replied " i will not find him anymore, k"...

So? Is this it? Is this good enough as the end of the crisis. Did i cover everything?

I told hubby that i contacted her. He did not like it. Now he isn't in the mood for anything. He seemed withdrawn.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He actually did not fullfilled my first condition for coming back. I wanted him to tell me her office address and her residential address but he did not want to tell me. He gave a lot of silly excuses which i have a hard time believing. But my friends told me that my first condition is not important except that he is willing to come back and work on the marriage.

So what should i do now? So i insist on that letter or something????</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">HUGE RED FLAG. If he truly wants to rebuild the marriage he should have no hesitancy of giving you her residential address and her home address. Why? As as a symbol of trust that you wouldn't do something stupid and as a sign that he is finally practicing honesty with you. Stand firm and say to him that he has to come totally clean with you.

zizzycool,

Also you need to do plan A (real plan A, pls read it) !. Many demand w/o giving you could push your H away. Learn about his ENs and what ENs that OW was filling, you need to replace that and better. It would help H withdrawal and your M.

-rh-