Here is the first draft of my PBL. I know you will all tell me there is allot in there that should not be, but it is who I am. I am hesitant to post it because i feel it is what i want to say, but you will tell me it is no good. I am posting it because I respect you all and am willling to hear your critisisms. Let me have it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I want you to know that I do not blame you nor do I hate you for anything you have done. You may not believe that is possible, but it is. I have put great effort into understanding how and why this happened and believe now I do understand. What has happened in our marriage/relationship has happened, is happening, and will continue to happen with many many other people like us. It is normal. Unfortunately, people don’t learn about any of this until it happens to them. There are so many way this could have been avoided. We simply did not know what to do or even that we needed to do something. Here are some things that I/we have learned:
1. Men and women have different emotional needs.
2. The loss of romantic love in a long-term relationship is inevitable.
3. Lost romantic love can be found again if it is lost.
4. A good marriage is not affair proof.
5. Love grows from friendship, mutual understanding, and communication.
6. Love goes when any one of the above is lost.
7. An emotional bond can create strong physical attraction between two people.
8. The only person who can make you feel whole is yourself.
9. Once someone learns to be whole themselves, they can be whole in any relationship.
10. Having a sense of ones self is key to their feeling complete in the world and in a relationship.
11. There are reasons why we feel the way we feel.
12. Conversely, there are reasons why we stop feeling certain feelings.
13. Anything is possible.
14. Relationships that come from affairs almost always fail.
15. “Marriages that survive affairs are the best marriages.” (Kay Klein)
I understand that you have a very real love for another man. I understand that he is filling some emotional needs that you have and that I was not filling those emotional needs for you. Your comment about you feeling like he needs you to make him feel whole suggests to me that feeling needed is an important emotional need you have. Perhaps you don’t believe that I need you. The truth is that I am a very confident person. I have not required much outward support from you in the past. What may not be so obvious to you is that my confidence has always come from knowing you were behind me/ in my corner. I very much need you in my corner. I regret that did not make that clearer to you sooner.
I also realize that the connection you feel with him has allowed you to become very sexually attracted to him as well. This attraction probably comes from feeling connected to him emotionally. I understand and appreciate that this means allot to you. You have been wanting that feeling for a long time and felt for a long time that something was wrong with you. Now you know there is nothing wrong with you. Now we both know. This knowing is new for us. We wrote it off along time ago as not possible, but now we know it is. If we hadn’t accepted this years ago, and instead found ways to find that lost sex drive, we would have been way ahead of the game and probably not in this situation. Our ignorance and lack of appreciation crippled our chances at filling that need. We are no longer ignorant nor do we lack the appreciation needed to fill that need now.
You and I have learned so much. I believe we both now understand that it is possible for these feelings to be found in our relationship as well. If I can learn to fill those emotional needs for you, love will follow. It would take allot of work, but we have begun to identify your needs and you now have a sense of your self which is vital to creating a life for yourself and with me that you/we are satisfied with.
I know that the thought of giving up a relationship that feels so right, as yours does with him, feels like it would be the hardest/saddest thing you have ever do. I know you do not think you are capable of it and most likely you do not want to. I do not expect you to have any other feelings at this time. You are indeed capable of it however. If you choose to work on our marriage/relationship in the hopes that you could find in me what you have found in him, I want you to know that I would support you while you morn the loss of him. It sounds crazy that I would support your missing another man, but I understand that it would be very difficult for you to give him up. I understand this but still must ask you to do just that. I do not wish to cause you pain by asking this of you, but I know it would be painful for you. Please remember, whichever way you decide to go will be painful. Not only for you, but for him or myself. I am certain however, that the greatest pain would be my own if you do not choose our marriage/relationship. You must understand that I am not being selfish here. If I did not believe that you could find even greater happiness in a relationship with me, I would not ask this of you. I truly want what is best for you.
We are at a crossroads now. We need to make a choice of how we want your lives to go. Both options present challenges and opportunity. There is much more opportunity in our relationship than there has ever been before. I think we have both come to realize that. This experience has showed us how much more we are capable of and how much more we deserve.
If you decide to continue your relationship with him, I must, for my own mental health, remove myself from abuse of our current situation. The affair, neglect, and abuse is so painful for me that I fear it will destroy the love I have for you if I allow myself to be in situation where you are seeing him and I am sitting at home. In order for me to protect those feeling, which I hold so dear, I will have to end all contact with you if you decide to continue the affair. I do not mean a simple separation to give you time to figure things out. I will have to begin working on a new life for myself without you. I hope you understand that separating myself from you will be the hardest thing I have ever done and that is the last thing that I want to happen.
Honestly, I do not know if I could ever forgive you if you decide to continue the affair and give me up. As you know, respect is important to me. You have been disrespecting me very much until now. Something, which I do not deserve. I must respect someone in order to want them in my life as a wife and a friend. Until now, what you have done has been understandable given the circumstances. Not that I agree, but I do understand. If you decide not to take all that we have learned and apply it to our relationship now and give us the chance that we deserve, I will lose all respect for you. This is not meant to be a threat. It is a simple fact and I am only being honest. I hope with all my heart that it does not come to that.
When I dream of building a new life together, one neither of us knew was possible or even that we wanted or needed it so much, sounds like the greatest adventure I could imagine. The journey of our lives together could truly begin now. The thought of it is very exciting to me.
Sara…I have always been there for you as much as I have known how. I realize that I was not there for you in some ways. We were both guilty of that. We know so much more today than we did only a short time ago. We are capable of so much more than we were before. I know that I can be there for you more now than I have ever been before. You can count on me to work with you to find everything needed to build a life together that fulfills both of us completely. I am endlessly devoted to that and you. You know the kind of person I am. I am a good man, I am honest, I am courteous, I am compassionate, I am caring, I am loving, I am forgiving I am honorable, and I am a capable person who wishes to be there for you. If you decide to invest in me and begin to rebuild our love for each other, you will not be taking a chance. You will be taking an opportunity.
This letter is not meant to convince you of anything. It is an expression of truth and honesty. Take it for what it is worth and make a decision.
Lets not end this marriage/relationship/friendship over something we could mend.
I love you and hope that one day soon you will feel the same for me again.
