I just found out last night that WH wants the title to our extra car so he can sell it to pay for a divorce. We are in no contact so I found this out from our 3rd party. It is just killing me. Dr. uped my meds from 75 mg to 150mg today. Just when I thought I was doing better this comes up. The car is in just his name so even if i don't give him the title he will file for a lost title and sell it anyway. I am just feeling so used. I feel like all of plan A I was lied to and I feel as if any SF was actually rape. I was willing at the time but I just feel like he lied the entire time we were in plan A. I am just so down today. I did get up and do my hair and put my makeup on and get to the Dr. apt. then went for lunch with my sis. I am just feeling like it is over. I can not believe that I have no say in this situation. I feel like it has rendered me helpless. Now I will be a failure at my marriage even though I am willing to fix it. I am told my WH is always asking how I am doing. I told 3rd party it was none of his business how I am doing. He gave up the right to know things about me once he went back with her. His aunt said I was his safety net and he was only with me while he could not be with her. She says he has grown apart from me and will never want to be part of my life again. Before today I still held on to the hope that I would get the chance to work on my marriage. Today I feel like all hope is gone.
Now 3 wks into plan B here I sit even more depressed. I am making myself go out and do things. But today I am so down I feel like I am below ground.

absolutly no contact with WH since 2nd d-day.

LFT

<small>[ November 02, 2003, 07:41 PM: Message edited by: lookingfortruth ]</small>

Hi,

From what you say I think Plan B is going according to plan.

"I am told my WH is always asking how I am doing".

Good! He used to have two women in his life and now he's down to one. The relationship he's got now is a full-time one instead of a partial one. They're no longer just spending "quality time" but having to cope with mundane things like money, washing the dishes, leaving the top off the toothpaste and hairs in the plughole. It's not how it was, because how it was wasn't real.

WH is starting to see this. He's starting to think that maybe the new relationship won't work out and he needs comfort that you'll still be there if it doesn't. You've not given him that comfort - it's the correct response. As we say on MB often "no consequences to actions equals no motivation to change".

He's had no contact with you for a matter of a few weeks and already he's hurting. I'd say you're winning this battle. This is exactly what Plan B is meant to do. You're using a tried and tested method and doing it right. Keep it up. If I had to bet my life savings right now I'd bet on you winning. Mind you, 97% of relationships based on adulterous affairs fail anyway so the issue is not whether it'll work out because it almost certainly won't - it's whether he'll come back to you and when.

How come you had a conversation with his aunt anyway and who initiated it? She's put her spin on things but how did she get involved? There may be some leverage here that you can use. Please post soon with a response on this.

Another thought...

If he asks after you "all the time" I'll bet it's OW who pressing for the Dv. She senses that he's still attached to you and wants closure.

Suggest you respond that although you don't want a Dv you accept the car is his but unfortunately can't find the title docs. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> However you've heard from a friend that there's a procedure for getting replacement docs when the originals have been lost. This is true actually but means delay and hassle. It will put some more real life strain on their relationship.

OW will see getting the Dv as his responsibility and blame him for the delay (more LBs do you see?). They will both strongly suspect that you have the docs really but WH will be reminded that you want him back. He will compare the rocky relationship he now has with OW to returning to you, fighting surprisingly (to him) hard to get him back. That's Plan B.

If they need the proceeds of sale of the car to pay for the Dv then they have some financial problems too - something else that wasn't an issue in the A.

Hang on in there.

Until you actually get served with divorce papers from him DON'T ASSUME ANYTHING.

I would also caution you against listening to his aunt because what a person says and what person actually does are two totally different things.

Keep in mind that 3 weeks into plan B is just the beginning and like most typical WS's will not see the light in such a short period of time. So unless you are secretly itching to divorce him, it would serve you well to keep this in mind.

His aunt had called wanting me to let the computer repair man into her house. But I could not due to doctor's apt. Then she asked me for the title. She is our 3rd party for financial questions and emergency. I have had no contact with H in anyway for the 3 wks. Previously H knew I knew where the title was. I guess I can tell him I brought it home and lost it. The only reason I found out about him wanting to use car $$ for divorce is because I told aunt that I would give her the title and she could handle the saleand then she would split the money in 1/2 and he could have 1/2 of the proceeds. She said he wanted the entire amount for divorce.I told her I had to think about it before I gave him the title. I think I will just write a small letter to H for her to give him stating that the title is lost. I could also blame my mom because I was keeping those papers at her house so he could not get his hands on them and say mom misplaced it.

What do you think.?

The letter sounds like a good idea. BTW can he go to the department of motor vehicles to get a duplicate of the title?

yes he can go to the DMV and get a duplicate title. But H is such a procrastinator I bet that will piss her off. I hope things are breaking down between them. It would do my heart good to hear that. Oh well I suppose I will just have to do with what I have so far. ME <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . I will let you know if I hear anything else. His aunt said he asks her if I am ok and wantsto know if I have found a job yet because he hates to think of me sitting at home worrying. He must think he is the end all be all if he thinks I sit at home fretting. I am trying to occupy my time and make a life for me.

LFT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lookingfortruth:

His aunt said he asks her if I am ok and wantsto know if I have found a job yet because he hates to think of me sitting at home worrying. He must think he is the end all be all if he thinks I sit at home fretting. I am trying to occupy my time and make a life for me.

LFT</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just for fun you should have told his aunt that you were going out on a date. 'd bet that would have ruined some time with the OW. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi again,

You don't need to be elaborate about it or blame your Mom. You looked in the place you thought the docs were and they weren't there. You've no idea why. You'll search for them just as soon as you can but you're a bit busy just now and it may not be for a day or two. Often docs are not where you were sure you'd put them.

CoffeeMan is good as always <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> and a signal to H that your life is moving on without him is good. Next time you talk to Aunt break the conversation off before its natural end saying you're meeting some friends this evening and need to dash.

I told his aunt to tell WH I don't want a D but I can not stop him from doing this. However the title is lost and I am trying to locate. That it may need to be filed as a lost title. I also asked her if she thougth it was ok to date. Her answer was he** yes. I told her I saw an old work mate and called him by name and said he had asked me out. I told her I had not answered him yet but he gave me his PH#. Kicker is H and I used to argue about this man because H thought he had a crush on me. I did not agree. Nothing ever happened between me and this man, but it ought to have a little more meaning <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> And it did cause me a big smile and a giggle. I truely hope all of this works out.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lookingfortruth:

Kicker is H and I used to argue about this man because H thought he had a crush on me. I did not agree.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know this is one of the characteristics of a great many WS's. They think nothing about having an affair yet if they suspect their BS is having one as well, they blow a gasket.

While I don't recommend that you start dating other men, I don't see anything wrong with you feeding your WH's aunt some bogus story about you going out with that male co-worker to relay back to him. He needs to know that you are still very much in demand and that you will eventually move on with your life.

I have no plans on dating anytime soon. It was simply a story I made up. And he can not throw a fit because I said He had asked me out but I had not given him an answer. I am just thinking about it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Which is true I am thinking about many different things and the possiblity of going on with my life with someone else is one of the million thoughts that goes through my mind. However I am still committed to my marriage. So at the time being it is just a thought. I am still wearing my wedding ring even though I feel like a fool for doing so. I know he is not wearing his because I took it the day he moved in w/ OW. Oh well one way or another I will go on.

Hi again,

On this issue of dating I'm afraid that for once I don't entirely agree with coffeeman.

Yes, it's good to show WH that you're a desirable woman but the message is supposed to be that you still want to make the M. work. Unless you've given up on that it's OK to show that your life is moving on but not that you've found someone else. He'll conclude that coming back to you is no longer an option and renew his efforts to make the relationship with OW work.

The strategy is to offer an attractive alternative, not to convey that it's over.

lovesaved:

The reason why I suggested that she give her WH the 'impression' that she is seeing someone else (not actual dating), is that in some cases this becomes THE wake up call for the WS to finally realize that the BS will not be forever waiting for them to return. As an example of this I give the case of Hope4Future. She was the FWW who was in the process of divorcing her BH but had a major coming out of the fog when she found out that her BH was seeing another woman. Will it work in lookingfortruth's case? I don't know, but let's say for the sake of argument that it doesn't work, it is not because "He'll conclude that coming back to you is no longer an option and renew his efforts to make the relationship with OW work." but rather because all his love for lookingfortruth is completely gone and he no longer wants the marriage. Even in that scenario, the benefit from that exercise would be conclusive confirmation that he no longer cares one way or the other about what lookingfortruth does with her life. Knowing this, the lookingfortruth can finally be absolutely certain that she did everything in her power to save the marriage but that it was not enough because her WH did not want the marriage. From that point, lookingfortruth can move on with her life without any doubts whatsoever.

I spoke with our 3rd party today about $$ issues. I told her it was sad that I could no tbring myself to call the guy that asked me out because I was still married and that this little fact may not mean anything to WH but it is unescapable for me. I am upset that so far WH is not willing to give me any financial support. Now I have that stress upon me too. It is not enough that he betrays me w/ the OW but now he refuses to give me the smalled amount of money to pay our marrital bills. I am going to talk to a lawyer this week and see if in Illinois there is any legal thing I can do to make him responsible for them. We shall see what we can find out.

I understand TMCM's point.

My concern is that the Aunt is clearly not a friend and there is a risk that what is said to her is relayed inaccurately. I guess you know this and already take care over what you say to her.

Looking, also being from the fine state of Illinois which gave of the likes of George Ryan, Cubs, DaBears, I would say get to your attorneys office immediatley and get the guidelines established at to what he is responcible for.

Hopefully you are not in the juristiction of Cook County as you will die of old age before the case is presented, you will have better luck if you are in Lake, DuPage or McHenry county, the matter will be expidited.

I am having a bad day. WH is not planning on giving any financial support at all. I am calling the lawyer today. Furthermore he wants all of the utilities out of his name or he will shut them all off. I am hurting bad today. It just further shows his lack of care for me. The OW's divorce is not final for 2 to 4 wks. OWH wrote me a letter and I responded. OW saw the envelope and begged her H to let her read it but he refused. She now thinks her H and I have something going on. It was simply a letter telling the other one what we knew about the situation. And where we all stood. My H called but did not leave a message yesterday and I did not return his call. He probably just wanted to call and be further hurtful. Can anyone tell me what to do with anger so as not to let it consume you? The pit of my stomach feels so heavy. I just don't know what to do. I am still looking for employment. I am still keeping active. Babysitting nephew, spending time w/ family, playing w/ the horses, ect. I am working on myself trying to lose some weight, trying to be a better person. But what else do I do?

I am feeling very confused today. Found out WH has been engaged to OW since July 1st. He has no money to give me because they have been going away on weekend vacations everyweekend. I hear OW is already on the prowl for another OM. Both WH and OW are livid that OW'H and I are talking. Both jealous as hell and scared of us comparing notes as they should be. I am thinking of just giving up and filing for divorce myself and taking him for all he is worth. I feel like I want to make his life as miserable as he has made mine. I know he has yet to actually visit the lawyer he wants to use and this is the OW's lawyer so I don't know if he can even handle the case as it may be a conflict of interest. The way I feel today the OW and my WH can both just go to he**. I don't want to file while I am emotional but it seems like the only option. Every day I get a little closer to thinking that I can never trust him again. He has told so many lies that I don't know what the truth is. I know that no one can make this decision but me... but does anyone have any thoughts.

I may not be the best person but no-one else has responded so I'll try.

You wrote "I am feeling very confused today. Found out WH has been engaged to OW since July 1st. He has no money to give me because they have been going away on weekend vacations everyweekend."

In an Affair it's all quality time. When they move in together they have to share the mundane things - hairs in the plughole - and the shine goes off the relationship. They've tried to sustain the magic with weekend vacations but it's a lifestyle they can't afford.

"I hear OW is already on the prowl for another OM."

Yes. The shine's gone off the new relationship. Already!

"Both WH and OW are livid that OW'H and I are talking. Both jealous as hell and scared of us comparing notes as they should be."

Interesting. Why do they care if they're intending to marry? If they intend to stay together a relationship between you and OWH would be an ideal solution from their point of view. This seems to be a sign that their relationship is insecure.

Also it makes me wonder what information you and OWH might have that they are frightened of - maybe something either or both of you could use to your advantage in the Dv process? Suggest talk to OWH and try to find out what it is.

"I am thinking of just giving up and filing for divorce myself and taking him for all he is worth. I feel like I want to make his life as miserable as he has made mine. I know he has yet to actually visit the lawyer he wants to use and this is the OW's lawyer so I don't know if he can even handle the case as it may be a conflict of interest."

It is natural (and justified) to feel this. It's your decision and no-one can blame you if you decide to go down that road. But I'd say you're right not to act in anger. WH's position seems to be somewhat ambiguous. Is he going to marry this OW or not? If he is why hasn't he done anything towards a Dv?

"The way I feel today the OW and my WH can both just go to he**. I don't want to file while I am emotional but it seems like the only option. Every day I get a little closer to thinking that I can never trust him again. He has told so many lies that I don't know what the truth is."

Truth number one is that your H succumbed to the temptation to have an affair with someone who seemed to meet his needs. He lied to cover it up and maintain it. You can accept half the responsibility for the state of the M but none for the A. Whatever the situation an A wasn't the answer. You're angry because you feel betrayed and that's because you have actually been betrayed!

Truth number two is that the A was a fantasy and not a real relationship and WH and OW are now finding this out.

Truth number three is that using the techniques in HNHN and on this site you probably can restore love with your H and build an A proof M but this is first his choice and then yours. He has to decide to come back (which I think he might) and you have to decide whether to accept him.

Truth number four is that you never will trust him completely and you don't need to. The great Dr H teaches that couples should not trust each other but should always be prepared to explain where they were, what they were doing and who they were with 24/7.

"I know that no one can make this decision but me... but does anyone have any thoughts."

I've tried and I just hope I've helped.

<small>[ October 28, 2003, 04:36 AM: Message edited by: lovesaved ]</small>