Thanks Believer.

On Thursday I found out H added OW to his cell phone plan to share minutes. Otherwise, I did ok all this week, until Saturday and Sunday. On Friday night, we got a pizza and watched a movie while the snow fell. Saturday morning we shoveled snow and then in the afternoon he got very down and I cried in front of him because I don't know what to do for him anymore. I had been very emotionally charged all morning because we were having such a good time together and I knew it would end at some point. Around 4pm he left and didn't come home until 2:30 am. I confronted him nicely (but obviously upset) about it and he said he had been with her. On Sunday morning I cried in front of him again, because he was going to help OW move into her new apartment. He didn't come home until 10:00pm and we went to get something to eat at a restaurant.

He told me that he isn't trying to use us both to meet his needs and he feels bad for that. H said he is still angry at me because of the move here for my work. He sees my changes but keeps focusing on the past (unfulfilled sexual needs)and doesn't know if he should trust moving foreward. Says he loves me and is more attracted to me than to her and that he would normally not have selected someone like her. He says he sees her as a friend, but had sex with her last week. He is mainly unhappy about the new area we live in and likes her because she knows fun things to do.

This morning we talked about how I didn't mean to hurt him by accepting this job and moving to us to new location and how I was receiving mixed signals from him about the move. Told him I loved him and wanted to be together and that I wouldn't go back to ignoring sexual needs because I never wanted to feel like this again. H says he can't agree to NC yet. He said again she is a friend, but I pointed out how their R goes beyond friendship and is too secretive.

This week the goal is to meet EN's, no LBing, be upbeat and positive, and give him space. I do plan to say "I love you" some because I think he needs to hear it.

I'm hurting but hopeful. Lately, it hurts so much when he goes to her after we have had such a wonderful time together. I get upset just anticipating that he will be leaving.

firefly

Gosh I know this has to be very hard for you. The MB program is Plan A 3 to 6 months, so hang in there a little longer if possible. You need to do a great Plan A. Then if there continues to be contact you will want to consider Plan B. For me Plan B has been a godsend. I have been able to get on with my life and not dwell on WH and OW. The stuff about moving for your job is just more fog talk. In any marriage there are problems that could be used for justification for an affair. Actually when I look back on mine, I have way more reasons for an affair than WH. He just chose the easy way out. If you get a chance try to post on "just found out" board and talk to Cerri. She is an expert marriage coach. You have been sticking to the MB plan so well I want you to have the best help available. Also check out toomuchcoffee man, redhat, coach, and john39. Hang in there, I really believe that your marriage is going to be one of the success stories. Also they have counseling here by phone -seems expensive, but they will get right to the point. Check it out.

Hi again. There have been a lot of ups and downs lately. The first part of the week was decent and H even agreed to my uncle's invitation for H and I to attend a religion class with him in January. Wednesday night H was mad about our finances and blaming me for our situation. On Thursday night he spent the night with her in your new apartment.

Friday morning when he came home and shared how disappointed I was that he did that and how I wondered why he thought I was such a horrible person that he couldn't spend his life with me.
Then he demeanor changed completely. He told me he was sorry for everything he had done and he was glad that I hadn't given up on him. I was stunned. We made wonderful love together and he didn't want me to go to work. I was on cloud nine. We spent the whole weekend together and H had no contact with her. He even talked about the holidays with me and our future. It was great and I knew OW had taken off work for the weekend to be with him and he rejected her.

Then Sunday night he didn't come home after work. I came home at lunch time on Monday and he was back and asleep. I read a letter that she wrote him talking about what she wanted from him and that if he didn't have a plan for her and him (H had also asked me what my plan was for he and I) then she wasn't going to tell him. Then I found another page with a plan that she wrote with getting me out of the picture as #1. I went back to work and wrote my own letter to him and included my own plan which we spoke about earlier in the weekend, but didn't give it to him yet. We spent a nice evening together.

This morning he got up before I awoke to call her. I confronted him nicely when he came back to bed and he said he was trying to not be disrespectful of me so he wanted me to be asleeep. I layed in his arms and we talked about what each of us were afraid of. He is afraid of staying for the "wrong" reasons and I'm afraid he'll leave for the "wrong" reasons. H said that when he left her yesterday morning he had decided to end it and only see her once or twice a week for lunch as friends. However, then later in the day we questioned if he was willing to give her up when he liked being with her so much. H also said that her family is mad at her for what she is doing and he doesn't want to get into all of that and he does like my family. H did bring home all the things that he had at her apartment which made me feel better.

I told H that if he leaves he needs to be prepared to file for divorce because he can't keep me waiting in the wings. H said that he thought I'd want to wait until I found someone else and then file. I said no, I will not date others and break my marriage vows even if you leave me. He was suprised and said that he would look at it from my perspective from now on. I think that was a reality check because he said he hadn't done any research on divorce yet. I can't say that I would divorce him right away if he did leave but I don't want him thinking he can go off and the door will always be open.

He dropped me off at work and I gave him the letter to read. At work I checked his email and she had sent several messages where she is frustrated with his behavior, his attempts to call it off with her, and his wishy-washy-ness. She has been stood up several times now and she is really mad he will be spending the holidays with my family and his family in other states. OW has asked to spend New Year's with H but I will make sure we have something to do for then. Her email says they are having lunch together today, so I'll see where things head from here.

I can see the fog lifting and then resurfacing. I'll be extra good in Plan A and extra good at trying to meet EN's. I pray the beginning of the end is near. I'm not sure if and when I can get NC out of him, but I'll keep Plan A'ing.

firefly

Firefly - You are doing so well you should be the MB poster girl. Hang in there, you are doing fine. But stick with the MB program - next is Plan B, not divorce. Hopefully you won't have to go there. But remember you need to change to B if you feel like you are starting to lose your love for H. It would be nice to make it another month or so in Plan A, but you will have to decide. Plan B is very nice because it takes you off the rollercoaster and you get more peace and perspective in your life. It seems to me that your H does love you, but still is somewhat addicted to OW. Keep up what you are doing. One of these days she will go ballistic.

But these OW are very smart. You have to be smarter. The final showdown for me and WH was when he brought me letter saying he was finally going to get rid of her, that he loved me. I did not trust him because he had said that before. After he left I took the letter to OW and gave it to her to read. She read it in front of me. However she told my H that she threw it away without reading it. She knew he was cornered and let him have a way out. She is much more devious than I am. So now they are living together. Be very careful.