Now that I have found OW H, I feel some nervousness and anxiety about what I should say.
What should I do and where should I do it? Is an over the phone conversation the way to go? Should I give the names involved (person might want to hurt WF, person may want to hurt WS). What if he has been physically abusive to OW before (I mean not that I should have all these concerns for her but I wouldn't wish a physical butt whipping on anyone)? What if this person has been WS before? Grateful for any input. Thanks.

freetobe,

I contact OMW via phone. I was ready with all the prove and information. Later I met her once, exchanging documents. He might be your best allies but don't open any your emotional needs to him and don't fillin any of his either. The purpose of this is only exchanging information.

good luck
-rh-

When I contacted the OP's W, I did so by telephone, I simply stated that she and I had a lot in common in regards to our marriages, she took off on all she knew about it and was grateful for the call.

As stated in earlier posts by others, this woman, whom I have a immense amount of respect for, was my greatest ally, we were able to circumvent many issues that the W and OP were having.

Trust me, the Op's mate is aware of a A, it's the same feelings you had, gut, and that is the strongest indicator as far as I am concerned.

Redhat and Rookie,
Thank you both for the info. I have tried another means of C OW H but I haven't gotten a response. I believe I should move on into making contact via phone. Guess now is the time to pick up my courage and move on into it.

free- I walked down to the OW's H's house. The OW was outside and I told her I wanted to speak to her H. He came outside, and I broke the news to him. His W had told him that it was just a friendship. He believed me right away. We have been allies ever since.

All,
Unless WS is very skillfull, most BS has suspicion already. You might be just the prove that they are looking and confirming.

Let them now about SAA & HNHN and this web site. Hope BS could try to salvage M too.

-rh-

Redhat, thank you for the last piece of info also. WF mentioned to me that OW H did say he heard something might have been going on. But it seems that he didn't pursue trying to work on their M. Seemed to let it go. I am hoping he will be wise enough to be an ally instead of a the opposite. Seems that OW H also participated in infidelity. Seems he video taped the incident with OW. Then his wife (which is my WF OW) saw it. Oh what a web.

Hi RedHat if u are out there. WF wants me and S to come back. I agreed but not b4 M. Will M very soon. Discussed Policy of Joint Agreement , withdrawal, Radical Honesty, several things as a start. Came to an agreement. However I can see the effects of withdrawal from OW are coming on. Dr Harley says it is best to avoid each other during this time. He needs affection and stuff. How can I be supportive if we avoid each other? WF passed WS/OW the other day, neither said anything.
?

Ditto on using the phone. It keeps you from getting too emotional and helps you stay on a matter of fact level.

It also leaves you the option of not telling any names and worrying about him following you to find out.

Stunned thank you the tip. I am glad to see you and WS are at working on recovery and I hope everythng turns out for your favor. I am taking the phone as my best route.

freetobe,

I would definitly postpone M. Not until you know that OW is out the pictures for good and he passes his withdrawal.

It depend on how strong you are, you might want to move back. Why ?, you have some plan A to do. It is possible plan A from far but best if you could be together. Also he might be weak and need accountability/help.

-rh-

<small>[ November 23, 2003, 10:36 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

RH,
Hi. I understand what you are saying Re: Plan A. But is there a reason that we can't do Plan A being M?

I know there are risks. As a matter of fact one of my concerns is that he may feel he doesn't have to work at avoiding the situation on an on going basis if M.

But I believe that what Dr. Harley says is true that love has to be the motivation to stay in a M or R. We both love each other and have a S.

Our situation isn't ideal for M. But I am willing to continue working with him, making love bank deposits by showing him I can deal with this without LB. If we have to go to Plan B then that will be that. But I want to continue Plan A for at least 3 more nmonths, since we've already gone about 3.

Don't want to play house anymore. Also if OW should try to do anything illegal, may have more grounds to seek legal help being M. But living together without a stronger committment and some protection under marriage to actually tell OW myself to stop calling, or if she confronts me in the street to seek legal help for stalking and such, then I don't feel we will be able to work on this effectively.

Re: withdrawal. For a short time we will be seperated. Can't see OW but may be able to call OW. I am hoping this will help him go through the W with my support from a far if OW H will be my ally and we can find a way to prevent contact from any other way. Just my thoughts.

Ok, I am going to chime in here for a moment.

A M license if not going to protect you legally concerning the OP anymore than if you are single.

Trust me on this one, for I know what I am talking about here, in our state you have to have 2 documented incidents with a person to establish a stalking charge, DOCUMENT ANY CONTACTS, even if it is to simply call the local police and say that you were having problems with so and so, and now that person is walking by the house and you are concerned or if she calls, but docmentation is everything in these case.

Now here is my thought on getting M, if you do marry, arent you telling him that it was OK to mess around and you married him anyhow, that you will tolerate this type of behavior?, you just opened the door for him to continue his behaviors without any cost to him, no matter what, in his mind you WILL always be there for him.

If he loves you and wants to marry you dont you think he will stop his A and proove himself to you BEFORE, otherwise you are setting yourself up.

Ok, I am going to chime in here for a moment.

A M license if not going to protect you legally concerning the OP anymore than if you are single.

Trust me on this one, for I know what I am talking about here, in our state you have to have 2 documented incidents with a person to establish a stalking charge, DOCUMENT ANY CONTACTS, even if it is to simply call the local police and say that you were having problems with so and so, and now that person is walking by the house and you are concerned or if she calls, but docmentation is everything in these case.

Now here is my thought on getting M, if you do marry, arent you telling him that it was OK to mess around and you married him anyhow, that you will tolerate this type of behavior?, you just opened the door for him to continue his behaviors without any cost to him, no matter what, in his mind you WILL always be there for him.

If he loves you and wants to marry you dont you think he will stop his A and proove himself to you BEFORE, otherwise you are setting yourself up.

Rookie,
I don't want to give him the wrong message. I realize that noone and nothing is perfect. Though we are having this problem now it doesn't say that with a lot of work, probably more on me than he we can't get past it. And to be honest in Plan A aren't we all allowing WS (in my case WF) to do as they please until it's 3 to 6 month completion before moving into Plan B.

Thing is, before this happened he was the one trying hard to make it work. I was the one in the wrong. Now he is. I don't like it and indeed it is an obstacle but I don't see it as one we can't work past now that I know how.

A few plus in my favor is that OW is leaving area soon. WF is willing to go through withdrawal, symptoms seem to be manifesting now. For a time we will be seperated. Once OW H (still trying to contact) is in on this we may be able to combat situation, if not I definitely will alone. Both of our families love us. My family loves him and his loves me. Last but not least I would be going into this in honesty already seeing my challenge. How many people go into marriage untruthfully only to learn their problems after the bliss of the ceremony is over? Thank you for your input I am listening to your words of wisdom Rookie and RedHat.

Help!!! I talk to the OW H in less than 30 minutes. Do I tell him my name and WF? DO I tell him specific things? He lives out of town should I really tell him now? Should I ask him not to tell his WS that I told him? Should I suggest to him what to do? ??? DO tell, Do tell.

Sorry I was busy this week, close to thanksgiving. How was the call ?. You should never told OW H what to do. The intent is sharing information and let him do whta he thinks best for his situation.

About M ... yes, you probably know better now but your WF is not ... aren't you setting up your self for failure right now ?.

My oppinion is for you to move in w/ him and help him through withdrawal.

-rh-

RH,
Yes I did tell OW H. SHe proceeded to come over. Turned into a physical altercation. She had the nerve to tell me that if her H left she would take mine. I told her I would fight for him just as I did tonight.

WF is telling me I shoudn't have revealed the A to OW H. I was so angry at him. I can't believe he said this. Though I have had to sit by and watch it happen to me and her H he didn't deserve to know so that he could try to save his marriage. I tried to help him understand that the OW should've been trying to think of saving her M instead of leaving her children and home to confront me.

freetobe,

All WS would get mad b/c you try to take away the candy from them. I am glad that what you told OW, that excatly what OP needs to hear.

I will fight if you don't back off.

Now, how exactly did he react ?. Are you LB'ed afterward ?.

What do you plan to do next ? I really hope you postpone the M.

-rh-

<small>[ November 26, 2003, 09:14 AM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>