D-day was in July for me. So you are a couple months behind. So hang in there and try to make your life as nice as you can without him. I really thought mine was gone for good, but he attempts to talk to me more and more as time goes on, even though he and OW are getting along fine.

I guess that means we all still have hope. I really do try to maintain some hope, but some days it is so hard. Steve counselled me to try to convince wh to attend MBWkd again via letter (before giving him Plan B letter). What do you think?
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Hi.

I don't know how to start, so I'll just write. I have been in an unbelievable amount of pain these past months, and this past week hasn't been any easier. I haven't ever imagined going through something like this - I never thought I'd have to. Needless to say, you are on my mind 24/7. Even though I'm not seeing or talking to you, I think about you every second of every single day.

In the past, I've outlined all the reasons I believe our marriage is salvageable. I STILL believe that, even now. I've also told you why I am so in love with you, and how I believe that that love can not only survive this tragedy we're going through - but it can flourish. You must also understand that I don't want the marriage we had before. It is unacceptable to me now. I am excited for the future of our marriage - there are so many things we have yet to experience together as a couple, AND as a family.

You are my best friend, my husband, my confidante, and the father of our beautiful children. For those reasons, I am imploring you to reconsider the Marriage Builders Weekend. I will not get my hopes up that just because you attend, you've changed your mind about things. I understand that for you, this would merely be an opportunity for gathering information. We can even have separate rooms if you want. This is VERY important to me. I've never asked you for anything more important in my life. Please reconsider...

All my love,
- Wanting Him Back

P.S. Please remember that there is a money back guarantee.......

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I'm fully expecting a resounding 'no', but I hope it's not in the form of an angry outburst. Like he may feel that he's got to bang me over the head with his anti-save-the-marriage-stance.

I'd appreciate your thoughts - good or bad. I'll have to write my Plan B letter pretty soon, too. Ick.

It's good to invite him, but he probably won't go. He needs to be away from you for awhile. I have complete confidence in the MB program. It really works.

My H was completely gone, and was so hard-hearted and cold that I couldn't believe it. I would cry and he would just look at me with no emotion and leave. He always had to get away quickly to get back to OW.

Now he seems to be trying to break away from her, but she keeps showing up. I told him yesterday I want my H back, not the person I see now. He said "I am your H." I told him to find my H and send him back. (Got this suggestion here on MB) Anyway I still have a lot of hope, but I also know that if it does not work out with us, I will be fine without him. Plan B proved that to me.

Hang in there and don't give up. Just stick with the program here, and have faith that it will see you through this awful time.

Believer -

I do believe in the MB program. The basis for it all is so sound and common sensical. I was uncomfortable writing the letter to ask him away again, but did it based solely on Steve's suggestion. The Harley's have been doing this a LONG time, and certainly know more than me.

Do you have small children? If so, how did that work with Plan B? I can hold out not talking to him, but issues do come up regarding the children. I am putting my complete trust in this plan, and I know I have to follow it.

In the mean time, I am working on myself - as prescribed. H did buy me a new Dell for Christmas, so I've been playing with it quite a bit once the kids get off to bed. And I've joined a gym. And I've actually been going!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I'm going to get back into my eBaying now that my two computers have merged - so that will keep me extra busy.

How are things going with H now? Does he still want to reconcile, and if so, has he made plans to get away from OW?

Did you do a Plan B letter? Did you send one to OW? I'd be interested to read it, if you don't mind. I don't have an address for OW, so I'm not sure how I'd get it to her. Steve said NOT to give it to WS to give to her. Also, did your WS move in with OW?

Our kids are out of the house, so that made Plan B easy. OW was living with him but now is not. But he is still seeing her.

I did give him a Plan B letter back in September. I just told him that I was sorry for my contribution to problems in marriage, that I always thought we would be together, but could no longer see him, as long as he had contact with OW. I told him to preserve my love for him, I would no longer talk to him. If the time came when he had NC with OW, I would talk about reconciliation, and a plan to rebuild the marriage.

He wants to move back in - but of course I do not trust him. He keeps insisting that OW is out of the picture, but she never is.

Hang in there, and don't give up.

I was amazed at how similar some of the recent experiences we have had are so close to one another. I could use some advice. Moved to Plan B because WS would not break contact with OW. Moved out on Jan 1 after I asked him to which in now regret. He continues contact with the house by coming and going whenever he finds it "convenient" and usually when I'm not here. We are seeing seperate therapists. I'm feeling the incredible need to help him get in touch with himself, to understand what behaviors lead us down our path (not focusing on each others needs), etc. On Mon, he seemed open to MB plan, His Needs/Her Needs. Tues - tired of Psycho babble and dismissed me. When we are in contact and I ask him where he stands with us, he says he doesn't know. Apathetic about everything. "Whatever". He has said he will see me this weekend. I'm thinking I should avoid initiating any discussion on our problems and just try and be together. Let him be the initiator. Any advice. Should I avoid ALL contact with him? Is just being here and available on his terms enough to begin reconcilation?

No contact for Plan B folks - see my post on other thread. I had contact and a real setback. Now I'm in Plan B again. Everyone here tried to warn me, but I believed WH so much, until I found him and OW in bed again. Stick to the MB program. It works.

How is everything going, believer? Are you still in Plan B? Has H come up with any solutions???

I keep thinking of you - whatever I'm going through has to be 10 times worse for you....you're so close!

I'm doing fine. Hope everyone else is too. I've had NC with H for 6 days in Plan B. So far it looks like he is not seeing OW. But I've thought that before.

But all in all life is satisfying. I'm a MB failure in that I could not do Plan A. It was too upsetting to have him with OW all of the time. Now I have calmed down and am working on my own issues.

I have exercised, walked, joined a women's support group, cleaned the house spotless (with the help of flylady.com), rearranged everything, painted, detailed the car, gone out with friends, organized, and did my taxes. It really helps to have other interests. Our self-esteem is so low that every little accomplishment feels so good.

You sound so good and healthy. Wow. I guess it takes time, huh? I have my plan B letter all ready for his arrival tomorrow. I'm nervous about giving it to him - he does not react well to ultimatums, and I'm quite sure he'll feel like that's what this is.

My poor son is so confused. He really doesn't know how to make heads or tails of this whole situation. He only asks ME questions - he's too happy when he's with H to ever ask him questions. So H doesn't think his actions are affecting the kids (or he may, I don't know - he doesn't act like it). I could let him know all the questions and tears that happen over here, but frankly, I don't want him coming back here because he feels guilty about hurting the kids. I want him to realize what it is he's lost in ME - and come back because of ME.

Did you read my plan B letter?

I think you should still be in Plan A, if you can do it. I never could.

Regarding your son - my H is just like yours, except in our case it is a dog. The dog has separation anxiety. In fact that is the reason I found out about affair. The dog hides, cringes, etc. I looked it up on net and she is showing all of the signs of separation anxiety. My H denies it. He says she is fine. Yeah, she is when he is around. The rest of the time she is watching for him, listening to cars, etc.

It is very sad to go through all of this, but it will get better and better.

Why do you think I should still be in Plan A? I did a pretty good Plan A for the three months since I found out......

Just curious....

Well it seems to me that he is thinking or trying to come back. I did a horrible Plan A, and now am sorry for it. My H has been back with OW 11 times. I think if I had done a better Plan A we might be back together.

What gives you the impression that he is trying to come back?

In your first post, you said he had come back a couple of times, and couldn't get you out of his head. This infidelity thing is the strangest thing. WS is addicted to OP. They try to break it off but can't. So I think you should still be in Plan A.

My H has gone back and forth so many times, I feel sorry for him. It must be very hard. I've been in Plan B, but wish I had done Plan A longer. The more that I am away from him, the better I can look at the whole picture.

Well, Believer, you've thrown me for a loop. I couldn't sleep last night. Now I'm waffling. I WANT to be in Plan A....but is that just a pipe dream??? Am I letting him have his cake and eat it too?

Just today, he came to see the kids. Again, no neighbors were available to intercept. I left without talking to him, but went to the gym and left the gym in a great mood. I decided to go to the mall and buy myself a new outfit. Then I passed through Dillards, and wound up buying WH a new dress shirt. When I came home, I gave it to him. He asked what the occasion was (I'm not sure why - I used to do this kind of thing for him all the time), and I just told him I was in a good mood. He seemed utterly and completely stupified. He managed to utter a thank you, but I know he was surprised. I figured if nothing else, it'll piss off the OW that I bought him a new shirt. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Anyway, it felt good to give it to him, and even better to look at him (as opposed to having no eye contact, like before).

Oh, and I couldn't give him the Plan B letter, either. I'm a miserable failure at this.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

And yes, he did tell me when he first came back that he was never able to get me out of his head, but that kind of talk only lasted about 48 hours of his return. After that initial period, he could do nothing but tell me how unhappy he was to be here, and how he wanted to be with her.

I'm soooooooooooo confused!

Stay in Plan A. It is the best place for you.

Why do you say that?

You said your WH has come back and left 11 times? Is this all since you started Plan B? How has it been going since you found them together last time? Does he still want to reconcile? Did he want to reconcile before you kicked him out?

That's part of my problem is that my H now says (or at least when he moved out on the 14th) that he doesn't want to reconcile. He believes that his life is with HER now. He doesn't love me the way he SHOULD.

As I said, I'd feel more comfortable in Plan A. I guess I'm just not ready for the possible consequences of Plan B.....