O.K. no relationship talk. But when she asks what options? What do I tell her? MC? Or that I'm still looking into things and I'm learning more and maybe we can discuss it sometime. Basically do I need to stall any decisions she makes regarding a D? I didn't have these questions until after the phone call with S.H. Now I'm kinda stuck as to what to say next. She is sure to ask Q's.

Tell her you are still looking into things, making some changes, and sometime later you will discuss things. Stall the divorce - tell her you just can't make a decision so quickly.

Then change the subject. Ask her how her job is going. Talk about her parents, etc.

Right,great I'll do that.

Yesterday was the first day I've worn my wedding ring since d-day. I wonder if I should wear it in front of her tomorrow evening? When she comes to pick up the dog.Any thoughts? Or is this pushing it? Guess I won't say anything unless she brings it up.Then I'd say something like I made a vow to you in front of God and I'm not ready to give that up yet.

I wonder if I should wear it in front of her tomorrow evening? When she comes to pick up the dog.Any thoughts?
Yeah. If you are committed to the marriage and want to work it out, then I think you should wear it all the time until a divorce is final.

Now that I think about it,duh. Yes it is a growing experince and I'm seeing things a bit differently than I ever have.
She called this afternoon to tell me that the power bill showed up at her address and that I had to get it switched to my name.She has read the email but she didn't comment on it she didn't act like she had even read it. But I looked at her account and saw that it had been read.Hopefully there is a crack of light in the fog today.But then again she should get an oscar for her performance over the past couple of months.
Well,thanks for the reply.Sometimes I need a blow to the head with a hammer before I see the world around me!

Stay the course. You are doing fine. You can outlast her. Just stay busy. Have you completely organized and cleaned the house? See flylady.com for tips on how to do the whole place, starting with the kitchen sink.

Also have you gone out with friends, to church or just by yourself? You need to.

Still working on cleaning and organizing.Mostly just keeping up after myself and not letting the house look trashed.That has to be impressing her somewhat when she comes by.That I'm at least maintaining the house.I have hung up some pictures too.At first I put our portrait away in a closet,it used to hang in the hall.But now it is on the mantle above the fireplace. That'll shock her tomorrow.Plus she'll see the ring on my finger.
I haven't been out socializing but once.I've spent alot of time self reflecting. I do go to the gym twice a week.That hasn't come up in conversation yet.
I got her car all fixed up today.It is ready for her to pick up now.The front shocks I had to bring in to the shop,since the front suspension has to be disassembled and realigned.It cost me $120.I told her that on the phone today when she called.She said to tell her what she owes me.I told her nothing.She asked why and I said that I had told her I'd get it done and that is what I did.I said all that with no LB's.She never brought up the email.She'll probably bring it up when she comes to pick up our dog tomorrow.
We always do this goofy thing and get cards for each other from our dog.I picked up a valentines day card for mommy.I didn't get her one. I plan on giving her it in a couple weeks.To bad our 13th anniversary is on the 16th next month.
I wrote a short story tonight.It is about me dying of alcohol poisoning years ago and seeing the future as presented by the devil.All the bad things that are going to happen in my life,none of the good.Then I come back to life somehow and live that life.Now I'm living one of the evil visions of the future and I'm going to battle with God and his angels at my side to beat satan. I got a little carried away with the current nightmarish vision I'm living.She always enjoyed my stories,not sure if I'll let her read this one because of how I got carried away with it.I may try a rewrite.
That's all for tonight.Thanks again for words of encouragement.Hope you're right.I don't want to doubt God and his power to work miracles.But my human-ness still is struggling.

Oh boy I need help today. I received an answer to my email and I don't like it. Here is what she wrote;
"You say change can happen.Well I have yet to see any permanent changes in you,overr the course of your life together.Yes you have been a bit better on the communication,but other than that,I haven't seen it.You changed a bit after our last 2 seperations,but it never stuck,you always went back to your lazy habits.
Brett,I didn't want to have to tell you this,but I have lacked a wanting passion for you for a long time. I think a lot of why I stayed is because I so badly wanted a child. I wanted one with you,I couldn't wait to see you be a father.But that will never happen. I want you to move on and find someone that you can have children with,cuz you will be such an awesome father. You're young enough to still enjoy them down the road.And I am very happy with who I am with and where I am in my life right now.I can't tell you how bad I feel for doing this to you,but I think that you will be happier in the long run,You might not think so right now,but you will.
I am glad to see that you're trying to make changes in your life. I hope that you succeed in your changes"

Well how about them apples? Man I'm gonna be a wreck today!! She also thanked me for working on her car and said that I didn't have to do any of that.

She is still in the fog. You know she will not continue to be happy with this guy. Don't talk relationship with her. It will just make you depressed. They all say the same kind of things - next she'll say she loves you but not in love with you, or some other WS quote.

Keep making your changes. This is her problem. It will not last with OM.

Yes, thanks. Went to the gym and worked some agression out. Though I didn't feel like going I forced myself to go. Well gotta do some grocery shopping...

Well,my WW came over this evening to pick up our dog, I slipped a 50 into the dog bag for her vet appt. next week.
No mention of her letter or D during the whole ten minutes she was here.Her eyes were everywhere looking at our home,checking out my little decoration add ons.Pictures,airplane model,etc.She has tomorrow off so she may file for a D tomorrow. That is what I expect anyway. I'll probably come home sunday to find papers on the counter.
When she left she did give me a hug and said nice to see you.I didn't say ILY.Figured that was on the things not to do on the 180 list.
Well here I go for four days alone.

I sent her an email telling her it was good to see her and that when she comes over to pick up her car on sunday she can leave the other one for me to fix.

This is a modified plan A since she tries for minimal contact with me.I don't call her unless I've got business to discuss.I've only sent her 2 emails.I haven't LB'd or begged,pleaded or cried to her.I'm trying to institute changes. But wow she has only been out two weeks and I know I'm only just beginning.

Burns me up to read in her email that she is happy with him and where she's at in her life. But from what I've seen on MB she is lying to herself trying to justify the pain she is putting me through.Returning to my lazy habits also is a stab at me that hurt.

Our 13th wedding anniversary is in 18 days. Hopefully she'll have a rough day then.I know I will.Without children it'll be easy for her to move on I think.I think she now realizes we cannot be friends in the future.I pray that she realizes that we can be husband and wife.

When the A does end will she believe that we can recover? Or will she think it futile to try since she has a history of infidelity? That I cannot change completely? That I'll just return to my old lazy self?

This is a modified plan A since she tries for minimal contact with me.I don't call her unless I've got business to discuss.I've only sent her 2 emails.I haven't LB'd or begged,pleaded or cried to her.I'm trying to institute changes.
There is nothing modified about it. It is all in right in line with Plan A.
What do you think you have modified about it?

Without children it'll be easy for her to move on I think.
It would be easier but still not easy.

When the A does end will she believe that we can recover?
Maybe, maybe not.

Or will she think it futile to try since she has a history of infidelity?
It’s not that she won’t think it’s futile to try because she had affairs. She may decide she just doesn’t want to try.

That I cannot change completely? That I'll just return to my old lazy self?
Whether she returns or not is not as simple as if you can change (or she thinks you can/can’t change).

The reason I see it as a modified plan A is that she has already moved out(2 weeks after admitting A) and is keeping contact to a bare minimum.All I see her is 10 minutes a week and an occaisional phone call from her.She went fast with this,having only known the guy for 3 months. Which is nuts I think.Believing she is in love with someone she has known for such a short time.Thanks for seeing as right in line with plan A.I need to believe that I'm doing a good plan A.

We've had a minimal email dialogue this week basically talking about me fixing her vehicles. And care for our dog. Yes she is planning on leaving the next vehicle with me on Sunday.Hopefully this falls under the EN of domestic support for her. I know that domestic support around the house was important to her,one that I didn't do that well in due to my "lazy habits".

She went fast with this,having only known the guy for 3 months.
My ex split after knowing the guy for 3 months. She took 1.5 suitcases. That's it. That was 5 years ago. SHe has only seen the kids 3 times, Ive seen her 4 times.
We were married 19 years at the time, 2 daughters (8 & 13).

<small>[ January 30, 2004, 10:09 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Mine left after knowing OW about 3 months. He stayed gone for 4 months with practically no contact, and then started coming around. However OW was still in the picture.

You just have to keep on with the program. That is the beauty of the MB plans. I'm doing mostly fine now, and have a whole new life. It is nothing like the misery for the first few months.

So hang in there and keep hope, and trust that your life will be better soon.

Had a rough one last night.I was working on the Camaro that we bought for her last summer.I was just polishing away,listening to some music when all of a sudden a wave of emotion hit me.I haven't cried like that since I was a teenager. Man I just sobbed like a baby for an hour.I didn't even cry like that when we seperated before.I felt like this was the omega,the end. It felt worse than a family member dying.Guess I needed to let it out,cuz I haven't been.My circuit breaker popped.
I've been invited to a superbowl party on sunday I should attend.I only casually know 2 people that'll be there. It could be good,to meet new people.Of course the person that invited me has a cousin that she is trying to play matchmaker for.I haven't forgotten my vows to my wife and God for my marriage.I won't let a relationship get in the way of that.

Go to the SuperBowl party. It will be fun. I make myself go to lots of things, even when I don't feel like it. My neighbors and friends are very kind to me. I have been to Mexico, football games, movies, car races, etc.

Just put it in your mind that you are going to enjoy yourself, but are married. Do not go anywhere with a woman alone. Do not discuss your marriage or problems.

Again no contact from WW all weekend. She must be having a great time with OM.She plans on swapping vehicles tomorrow,so I can fix the other one.She is throwing a superbowl party at her complex tomorrow.Hope she has a swell time.

Does the NC withdrawal work the other way too? I bet it does. Every time she sees me or talks to me the guilt she feels now and all we shared over the years must come over her.

I've been thinking about saying "I'm sorry." On wednesday when she picks up the dog. When she asks, "for what?" I'll say "for alot of things, especially for never learning what or how to fulfill your most important EN's.Which left you vulnerable for someone else to come along and fullfill them and cause you to fall in love." Of course said without LB or whiny,feel sorry for me attitude.