I posted my story in What should I do? in Just found out.
I also talkted to Steve Harley once.

I don't know where I am now.

I confronted my H last Monday. He denied it. I also talked to OW's husband and found out more info.

On Tuesday, he didn't come home for dinner and did not call me about it. He did not come home till 10:30pm, the kids were already in bed. I politely asked him to call me if he doesn't come home for dinner and to answer my calls incase of emergency. He agreed. We had a some talk, see my posting. THis morning, I consel with SH. He told me to ask H to talk to him, I did. But he did not respond.

Wed, he came home before me and cooked dinner. I thanked him for that. That night we actually had a good one, we played games together. D was very happy and siad this is so good, it is like nothing had happened.

Thursday, he called around 6pm and said that he will not come for dinner. D got very upset. The whole evening she was crancky and hard to deal with. I was not feeling well wither, with fever. So I called H and asked him to come home a little bit eraly to help. He kept saying he would come, but not till 10:30pm again, when I settle the kids in bed exsauhstly. He said he was at work(Do I believe him?)

Friday morning, I ask him to come home for dinner. he said ok and he did. I mad fish for dinner. We went shopping a little. But the air in between was just strange. He kept calling other people when shopping, not talk to me. He told me that he will have to work Saturday whole day.

Saturday morning, he dropped the kids to Saturday school, then left for work. I called him few times tried to tell him that a firends father died. But no answer untill 3pm. He told me his cell phone was out of battery. He would have to work till very late. So I took the kids to see my parents and then to the library, where I picked up some of Harley's books(Giver takers, Fall in love and Stay in love, His needs her needs,I bought SAA). In the library, I met OW's husband. He told me that there should be nothing between them. I am not convinced. He told me that she had been home for the whole week. I can't check his phone, he call at work. But D got crankier, she cried and whined. She was in depression, and is still in Zoloft. I finally called H to ask when he will come home, I had to page him. He called me from work, he even said, do you hear the noise in the computer room, he tried to prove to me that he is not with OW. But he didn't come home till 4am. Who knows. I spent a lot of time reading all those books. How I wish I knew these book long time ago, so I wouldn't have to go through all these.

Sunday, I went to Church with kids. At noon, we met friends in the restraunt, he even didn't want to sit with me. But after we went home, he went to sleep again, I didn't bother him. But D acted worse, during lunch, she was not happy. After coming home, she was crying and said mean thing. It was just so hard to deal with. I knew that she had fear, but did not know how to act. I trid to read Bible with her and calm her down. But it only last for 30 min. I got so frustrated and went to my room to cried and prayed. Finally, H woke up and I gave him a hair cut. Then I cooked dinner, he was on the phone again not talking to me at all. After dinner, D acted the same thing again. Finally, I told H to deal with her. They had a talk and finally calm her down and went to bed. I said thank you to him. Last year, we were talking about going for an international trip. Now he mentioned again. I ask him that whether he really wanted to go. He said that it is for the kids, he did not feel uncomfortable. I also asked him that whether he feel uncomfortable stay home, he said it is ok.

Today, I send him e-mail to ask him about conseling, but no answer. I assume that is a no.

I've been thinking all the time. I don't know whether I did LB. I don't know what he was thinking. I asked him to do few things and he did. He was not like this before. Did he do it because he felt guilty about the A or because I changed? Is the A still going on? One of my most concern is that are all my request too much to become demand?

Valentine is coming, should I give him a gift or not? Is that too much to show that I am eager to get him back? I want him back, but I don't want to do to much to scare him away. Any idea what is right gift?

I could not get to your other post, but I would say you should be in Plan A. Unfortunately, it sounds like H is having an A. Could it be with a different OW? I know you don't have any proof, but you can just look at your M objectively. Is this the relationship you want? Is this how you want to be treated? No, even if there is no OW. So what do you do? The first step is Plan A, but you will have to monitor yourself to see how long you can do it. This is not a time to be thinking about him, though. You need to concentrate on you. Who are you? What do you want in life? How can you improve you?
You will have to decide how long you can live with your H staying out late, etc. It is also affecting your daughter.
I went through 4 1/2 months of this pain and FWS never denied the A. But there is hope for your M if you are willing to follow this difficult path. It sounds like you are trying to meet ENs whenever you can and WS will accept them. That is good! But watch the LBs. The 180 degree list might be useful for you here.
As for Valentine's Day, just go by your instincts. FWS' 40th bday was in the middle of his A, 2 days after d-day of the PA. There was no blow-out party he was hoping for for the past 10 years, but I was able to give him a heartfelt letter. That was only because of MB and the people here that kept me on the right track.
There is a reason he married you and he may think that his love for you is buried too deep, but you can rebuild your marriage!

IBC

Thanks for your reply.

I know that I don't want to live like this forever. I want a warm family, and a loving and caring husband. I want to inprove myself to be the one he wants. But I don't know exactly what to do. Maybe I just need to be patient. I can not expect the ice to be melted overnight.

I am having this bad feeling again. I can bear with this any more. He is so cold . He didn't want to talk to me.what do I do?

He is doing it again. Just not coming home and not calling. He doesn't answer my call either. I hate this so much. I am desperate now. This is my feeling. I know that it is just my feeling. But this feeling is so terrible. It hurts a lot. Please someone help me. What did I do to make him do this to me?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lostnhurt:
<strong> Please someone help me. What did I do to make him do this to me? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You don't need to do anything ... It is him the one that acting in selfishness. It is his hoice to treat you this way. Now ... sure you can't control how he treat you but you could control how you are going to response to him .

-rh-

Thanks Redhat.

How should I respond to him. I know that I can not LB. But he doesn't talk to me, doesn't reply my e-mail. How do I let him know my feeling?

I am even not sure I am in Plan A. I really don't know what to do.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lostnhurt:
<strong> Thanks Redhat.

How should I respond to him. I know that I can not LB. But he doesn't talk to me, doesn't reply my e-mail. How do I let him know my feeling?

I am even not sure I am in Plan A. I really don't know what to do. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you could afford it please contact MB to get advice and coaching. It is a lot cheaper than retainer fee.

This is my 2¢. Leave him alone !. I know BS at this point want to do everything and anything to get WS back. It is futile. It is not about you ... it is about his selfishness.

Now let me ask you questions. What did he say about you and why he did this ? Before he D-day and after D-day ?.

-rh-

This was my first post on 1/26.

I desperately need help. I read all the Q&A columes and almost everything possible in your website, I still do not find an appropriate thing to do in my situation. Please help me and give me some solid advice.

About 2 weeks ago, my husband told me that he does not love me any more and he wants a seperation. I reacted normally, shocked, depressed and angry. Then he slept in the quest room. I tried to find some help in the internet, many advice to "agree" with him unconditinaly, magic will happen. I did so, he did not say a thing. But he acted very strangely, and I found that he is having an affair with one of his friends wife. He would go out and did not come home till late night, sometimes over night. My feeling is being hurt so badly. Tell me what to do, reveal it with him and negotiate(am I pushing him away by doing this?), or wait till it to die down, then work on the relation ship? My goal is to save the marriage. Plan A is for those who admit the affair and want to come back.

We've been married 14 years with 2 children. We did have some conflict, but I don't want to split up and break the family. I am reading and learning a lot and hope to renew our marriage into a good marriage.

--------------------
lostnhurt


Since then I was on MB borad. My mood was going rollercoaster. Yesterday, i was way way down there. I took my first A-D. But I am still feeling so bad now, I can not concentrate on my work. I am teaching, I need to prepare work and face the students. Sometimes I got to the point that I had to stop teaching and went out of classroom to wipe of my tears. It is so painful. For some moment in driving, I want to crash into a big truch and end all these. But what about my kids and parents? I am already talking to SH. But I don't get much advice. I understand that I can not have everything overnight. But during this process, any input, advice or encouragement would be helpful. I feel lonely, fear, sad and hurt. At work, I have to pretend nothing happened, at home I have to pretend to be strong. But who is lending a hand to me, give me a hug, and let me cry?

lostnhurt,
Unfortunately, you are not alone. And I think that if you keep coming here you will find the support and advice very uplifting and helpful.
I know that it is tough, my W has had 4 affairs in the last 3 years, so I have been there. Hard to believe, but it does get better with time. The A-D's take time to kick in, but you should start to feel better from them soon.
I have had the horrible thoughts of hurting myself, or worse, too. Maybe we all have. But believe me, it wouldn't be worth it, especially if you have 2 children. Think about how badly the children would suffer if you were to leave them. Keep your head on straight, keep taking your A-D's, and keep posting here. We are all here for you. Redhat is quite helpful and seems to enjoy following the stories as they go along, so you have friends here that you don't even know yet.
I am not in a position right now to give you any good relationship advice, I am still trying to find some for myself, but I can give you this: If you believe, leave it in God's great and capable hands. Pray to the Lord Our God for guidance and support. Pray for Him to be with your H while he goes through this most trying time. If you do not believe, maybe it is time you found Him, he is truly a wonderful and understanding God.

Take care and God Bless,

r0uter

router,

How did you survive 3 affairs? Are you sopposed to get tougher each time. I can imagine going through this again. You are very strong.

I am a believer. Actually this event is making me to believe in GOD deeper. Deep in my heat, I know that HE is with me, giving strength and wisdom. But all these moments, when the bad feeling come like storms, I am shaken. I pray everyday, alone, with my kids, with my sister and friends. I ask for patient, ask for forgiveness, ask for him to help my H to turn to him.

Thank you for your encouragement. Everything is welcome. I need more talks, that is.

lostnhurt-

Have you read this post by amy maree?

This is a helpful analogy that follows MB principles, that I read in a book. I used it in one of my posts, and a member thought I should also post it here, to share with more people. I hope you all find it as helpful as I do.

As quoted in a book the counselor at my church recommended called "Love Life for Every Married Couple" by Ed Wheat (which even has a chapter on how to make your marriage work when you are the only one who wants it to work), I have to fly using my instrument panel. Meaning, I can't see what is going on, it is dark and stormy, and the only way I can get where I want to go is to watch my instruments (stick to my plan, read my books, make myself happy, seek guidance from God) and not concentrate on what is going on outside the airplane, because it is confusing and disorienting and will cause me to crash if I focus on it.

So all of you out there, even though what you are doing is going against every instinct you have, even though it seems like your plane is going down in flames, don't believe any of that. Watch your instruments - make your plan and stick to it - and you will be safe and sound. Definately safer than your WS right now, because they are so lost in the fog, they cannot even see their instrument panel! You will have to fly right for both of you.

Please go to your library and check out the above book. I'm sure I didn't do that great analogy justice. That is just the jist of the idea. Take care all and stay postitive and pray!

Me, again. The above is what I am trying to do. Everytime I look away from the instrument panel (for me the Lord, MB Plan B) the plane starts into a downward spiral. But bit by bit, I am getting the hang of it. It just feels so foreign to what I am used to doing.

Start in Plan A, and stick to it. It takes time, and is miserable for the BS, but it does work.

Believer,

I read many of your posting. You are a strong person. I admire youy courage. But this one about the flying is the best. I am printing it down and try to read it over and over, especially in those moments when I try to look outside the windows.

I can't tell how much I appreciate all your help from this board. I am just desperately need to talk to someone. All your responses help me so much. I am feeling better now.

lostnhurt,

A will end, not now and not yet. Meanwhile you should not talk about R or negotiate about R w/ your WH ... it is futile. How could you talk to a drunken man about giving up their bottle ?. It has comes from within.

Staying put is enabeling him.

Now one thing that you should do is try to find a solid prove that you could use. Snoop or hire someone to get the proove. You need to put it out in the open.

Read about LB ...

-rh-

I can't take credit for it - a new member, Amy Maree posted it. I just love it and have it on the wall in my kitchen.

I have been struggling lately in Plan B. I know it works, but have had an awful time staying with it. So I read the flying by the instrument thing several times a day.

Also posting here helps. I can't tell you how many times the people here have saved me from doing something stupid. It has been the only reason that I have gotten this far.

Also what helped me most is working on myself. I exercised, cleaned the house spotless, joined a women's support group, did the yard, organized, detailed the car, etc. Then I started feeling better about myself.

Believer,

I know that I need to do all these. I just had not have the strength to pull myself up for all these. Every time my H agree to do something togehter, I felt better, when he turned away, I was down again. I know that I need to dettach from it. I am working HARD on this. Some times I do get this hopeless feeling. I will get a YMCA pass and take the kid to exercise. But I don't know where I can find a local support group. Can you give me some info for where to look? Thanks.

lostnhurt - It is extremely hard at first to start doing things. I just made myself. I made a checklist - started walking 30 minutes a day, went to www.flylady.com for uplifting and encouraging ways to organize and clean, starting with just 15 minutes a day.

My support group is through church. So look around. There are women's support groups, grief recovery groups, divorce care groups, mental health groups, all kinds of them.

The funny thing is once you start making yourself do things, you will start feeling good again, and feel like doing more. Hang in there.

my Favorite Divorce Care. It has an excelent support group for people separating/divorcing/divorced.

And of course keep posting and replying in MB forum too ...

-rh-

Thank you all.

I don't know whether I should hire a PI to investigate. I had some prove,and i confronted him. He acted like so what? He denyed it. He siad it is just a friend, what is wrong with talking to a friend. But I don't know what would happen if I get more prove, presureing him to end? Will I push him away?

What it hurts me most now is that he doesn't talk to me, anything. I don't want to talk about the R. But at least something. Sometimes I hate myself for thinking about him so much.

I checked the flylady site, need to read more. It seems that my kitchen is very sparkle already. I also check on divorcecare, it is for divorce people, but I don't want a divorce. Is that helpful?

My bad feeling is coming back. Help me. I am sinking.

His attitude says it all. He is in the fog. You can do nothing to change him, except Plan A. Then work on yourself.

When you start doing things you will feel better and get stronger. So make yourself do something. I have been posting here all morning, and cleaned the house, removed my closet doors and put in a set of drawers, make some cabbage soup, and walked for half an hour.

You have to figure that H is not going to meet your needs right now. So you take care of YOU. It is necessary to get some self-esteem back so you can save yourself and your marriage.