Believer,

You are the greatest help. I will get strong. I will pray for strength. I am at work right now, in between classes. I wonder if I can get your number to talk to you. I just need to talk to someone. I talked to my sister, one of my friend. I think that I had already drained them out. But talking to yuo on this board is fine too. I hope that I don't ask too much.

lostnhurt,

It seems to me that your H is withdrawing form you. I know it hurts like hell. That is why you have to achieve some emotional distance. Right now all he cares about is himself so he will do what he pleases. He will eventually come out of it. Until then, as believer says, care for yourself, this is so so important. Give him space and meet EN's only when he lets you. Otherwise you will expose yourself to more pain as he rebuffs your attempts.

Is there a close friend or family member you can trust and lean on? I went this this alone for too long, the support of friends has been crucial to keeping myself together. Also consider an IC to deal w/ the immediate effects of his actions.

Take good care of yourself,

JGNC

Sorry Believer,

I shuld not ask for your number. Please forgive me.

My question is that I don't know whether I am in Plan A or not. That is the title of this posting. I don't know exactly what I need to do in Plan A or am I doing it.

I do all the chores as usual, I took care of him by cooking, laundry, packing his lunch, iron his clothes, etc. I took care of the kids. What else do I need to do. Not give him pressure? I don't know. Don't call him?

lostnhurt-
E-mail me at digsblues@aol.com and give me your number or I will give you mine. I have a phone plan where I can talk for 20 minutes for 99 cents.

Your anti-D's should be kicking in any day now. Mine started working on 19th day. I woke up feeling great. So hang in there.

Below is from main MB site on Plan A.

So, then, what is plan A and plan B?

Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands. These three Love Busters not only ruin any effort to reach a negotiated settlement, but they also make the betrayed spouse much less attractive to the wayward spouse. Instead of encouraging total separation from the lover, the anger, disrespect and demands of the betrayed spouse make the lover appear to be the only one who truly cares about the wayward spouse. They literally throw the wayward spouse into the arms of the lover.

On the other hand, if the betrayed spouse approaches the wayward spouse with respect and thoughtfulness, the cruelty and self-indulgence of the affair is much easier for the wayward spouse to understand. And once the wayward spouse's mistake is acknowledged, it's much easier for him or her to take the first step toward recovery by agreeing to never see or talk to the lover again.

In these negotiations for total separation, the causes of the affair should be addressed. Since one of these causes is usually unfulfilled emotional needs, the betrayed spouse should express a willingness to meet those needs after the affair has ended. Another common cause is a wayward spouse's failure to take the betrayed spouse's feelings into account. The betrayed spouse's inconsiderate behavior sometimes leads the wayward spouse to believe that he or she has the right to return thoughtlessness with thoughtlessness by having an affair. Willingness of the betrayed spouse to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement goes a long way toward resolving the issue of thoughtlessness.

A third possible cause of an affair is a lifestyle where spouses spend much of their leisure time apart from each other, and form leisure-time friendships with those of the opposite sex. A plan to avoid being away from each other overnight and making each other favorite leisure-time companions goes a long way toward creating a passionate marriage that is essentially affair-proof.

In general, a betrayed spouse's effort to encourage the wayward spouse to end the affair should address all the root causes of the affair, and offer a solid plan for marital recovery. It should not be one-sided, however. The plan should make the wayward spouse and the betrayed spouse equally responsible for following the overall plan.

But plan A, an effort to end the affair with thoughtfulness and care, doesn't always work. In many cases a wayward spouse is so trapped by the addiction that he or she does not have the will-power to do the right thing. Once in a while the fog lifts and the cruelty and tragedy of the affair hits the wayward spouse right between the eyes. In a moment of grief and guilt, he or she promises to end it. But then the pain of withdrawal symptoms often brings back the fog with all its excuses and rationalization, and the affair is on again.

Sometimes a wayward spouse settles into a routine of having his or her cake and eating it too. In an effort to win the wayward spouse back, the betrayed spouse meets emotional needs that the lover cannot meet, while the lover meets emotional needs that the betrayed spouse has not learned to meet. While this competition is excruciatingly painful to the betrayed spouse, and the lover as well, the wayward spouse basks in the warmth of being loved and cared for by two people, with no real motivation to choose one over the other.

So, to avoid an indefinite period of suffering while a wayward spouse vacillates between spouse and lover, and to avoid rewarding the selfish behavior of having needs met by both spouse and lover, if plan A does not work within a reasonable period of time, I recommend plan B.

You are in a 'coaster 'till the AD kicks in you will still feeling ups & downs. Meanwhile get any activities that make you busy ... I know a lady that hike everyday for several hours not only to shed some weight but also to get her mind off her WH. Find something that won't allows you to idle.

Divorce care group has some separated and divorcing ... it is not about the Dv itself but about the process and understanding the pain of separation and how to heal. Depending on the group itself, some might have similiar problem like you. Anyway it just another resource to check out.

-rh-

lostnhurt -
Please don't think that I am criticizing you for not getting busy. I was just like you when I first went through this. Paralyzed.
Also my kids are out of the house, so of course I have tons of time to do things. Let us know how you are doing.

Believer and RH,

Thank you so much for everything. Sometimes I wonder why so many people we are around hurting us so much and people from far distance can lend helping hands.

I will dig deep into this plan A stuff. I think I understand it, but not understand it. I just want to know what I am doing fits into Plan.

I will definitely start exercising tomorrow to get him out of my mind. Do some house work too. Take good care of my children.

believer, I will e-mail you.

I have to go to another class now. Talk to you later.

Believer,

I don't think you critizice me at all. Actually, I want some one to push me to do things. Because I couldn't get myself to move.

I feel much better now. My Dr. said that i can only take the AD as I need it. Otherwise I will get addicted. I got the medicine a week ago, I only took the first one last night. I am not sure it work. i've never taken anything like this, I don't know what it suppose to do. RH, thanks for you concern.

Hi Lostandhurt,
You got excellent suggestions. I am sorry I did not respond earlier but I do not feel competent enough to give advice. But I can assure all the techniques and ideas suggested to you ( like getting busy, in shape, accomplishing small house tasks) enabled my survival for the past almost two years. Right now I do believe I have to seriously consider other plan, but I know I grew personally thru this time.
I hope Plan A works for you, and your childeren, and that the A ends soon and your H emerges from the fog willing to start recovery.
In any case, by following the advice on MB on focusing on you, as this is the only person you control, you will be OK.
Having family and friends and prayer as support helps tremendously.
FBOW

PS I too work full time, for me I had few really difficult moments, but trust me - you do not want to ruin your job situation, even if it seems overwhelming to pull yoourself together there.

lostnhurt - I got your e-mail and number. I sent mine. Hope that all is going well for you.

What kind of anti-D are you taking that you take as needed?

FBOW,Thanks for your encouragement. I read some of your psoting to and replied couple. I am feeling much much better today.

Yesterday, H came home earlier than I was, he cooked dinner. The atmosphere seemed a little bit better. Actually, he watched TV with us for a while. He usually hide himself to the office after dinner if he ever stayed home. The kids liked it. Usually, I would asked them to shot off the TV and do homework. But I didn't do it. I wanted them to enjoy the time with their father.

I really have to get myself busy. All the advice I received are so valuable. I will do it.

He is not anwering my call again. i hate this so much when he does that.

I don't know why. I just want to hear his voice. Just to answer it. Maybe he try to irratate me that way? I have to overcome this.

H called around 6pm. He asked me whether there is any event going on tonight. I told him that things are as usual. Then he said he would go to the bar and not coming home for dinner. I said ok, and thanks for calling. I also asked him to answer my call incase of emergency.

I guess I felt better just because he called. I felt that at least I was "respected", not like the other night that he disappear without a trace. I didn't care who he was with anymore, I knew that I had to concentrate on myself. I took care of the kids and thier homework. D was caughing so badly, but Dr. said it is viral, nothing can be done but time. I guess that can be applied to my case.

After the kids went to bed, I read again Givers and Takers. I learned so much. As SH told me in today's IC session, we are not emotionally connected, we need to overcome the LB first. But my frustration is that H even did not want to talk to SH. I am hoping my act eventually will melt him a little bit.

He finally came home at 12:30am. I couldn't sleep till he came, I know how much I care about him. But I didn't let the bad feeling ruin me. When he came, I made the request: Can you come home earlier next time? He immediately reply: There is nothing I want to come home for. I did not say anything, I won't take it either. Then few minutes later, he said that did i bother your sleeping while I was using the bathroom so late? If that is the case, I will move my stuff to the other bathroom. (He is been sleeping the the guest room since D-day and still use the masterbath) I told him that I ask him to come home because i miss him and the kids miss him too. I also concern about his health for drinking too much. I said those word sincerely, with no begging or disrespect. But he did not say a word after that.

I just have to pray for more patience.

lostnhurt -

Happy Valentine's Day. How are things going? I hope you have been reading here and sticking with Plan A.

Believer,

Happy Valentine's day to you too.

I tried to call you few minutes ago.

I really don't know how to describe things. One minute it seems better, the next minute it turns 180 degree.

I just feel my stomach is turning upside down now. He sneak out the house. I know that he must be with OW. I can't get this off my mind. He promise to go for the kids party at 1:00pm this afternoon, where the kids have performance. He didn't take his cell phone, only the pager. Because I can check his cell phone. I know that they are use his pager to cheat now. Last night. We were about to watch a movie, all the sudden, the pager beeped, he dashed to the computer. When I went asked him when he can finish, he immediate turn off the screen, and telling me that he had to work. He tell me to sleep. What a jerk. All these lies really hurt me a lot.

Believer,

When we hung up the phone. H called. But he didn't call my cell which he usually do. Because my call has caller id. He didn't bring his cell phone, so guess where he called from. He asked me when the kids party. i told him 1pm. I asked him whehter he had lunch yet, he said he did. So you know what happend. But he said he is coming home now. I just have to gather some strength to face him now. Thanks for all the advice.

lostnhurt -

How did the party go? I hope you got through it alright. It is so hard to cope during this time.

Believer,

Here is how it went.

After he came home(which is about 50 min later from when he called, but I knew he was about 10 min away, he told me he was having a brunch with a co-worker in the Bigboy restraunt nearby, near OW's house too). The first thing he said was let's go, we are late.

We all went to the party. D played her instrument, S played Kongfu. H was talking on the phone for about 1/2 of the time, then he felt asleep. He said that is was boring. Whne we came home, he slept more. Then in the evening, we went to a friend's house for dinner. Over there, he complainted that the party was so boring, he said so many times, finally the friend said this is your 5th time saying so. He stopped. Then we watched a movie in friend's house.
The time went ok.


This morning, I initiated a conversation in the bathroom by asking him to talk to S. Harley which was requested by SH. He kept saying he had no time. I said that your can talk to him at home while he is watching the kids next week. Nest week is the winter break, he said he will take some time off at home. Then he use oterh excuses. Anyway, he dosen't want to. I told him that I am asking him to just help me by talking to SH. I need help. He said that I can helping you in many ways. I said I know that. But this one is important. He I'll talk to him after divorce. Well, I strated crying which I knew I shuld not do. Then I said that SH won't talk you out of that, he just need your perspective to help me. I am not feeling to well in this situation, I need someone to help me go through this. I do love you and I don't want to have a divorce. But I can not change your mind, I can only change myself byt making myself a better person. he said, that is nothing wrong with you, we are just incompatible, so we split. I siad that I just want to know what is the right way to be with a person, if I end up with someone else in the future, I would not want the same thing again.


Then he start opening a little bit. He said that he hurt me a lot during these couple months, but he never stayed overnight out during the past 14 years. I thought he almost confesses about his A. Then he stopped. He said he was never happy during our marriage except few months. That was about 6 years ago, when his parents were here causing a huge rage in the house. He was ready to move out. Then he changed his mind because his parents decided to move out. I guessed I worked a plan A without knowing it. He siad that I was so nice that time, all his need were satisfied. But things started going down few months later. That is what he is afraid of. But I also know that he contributed a lot to that. I told him that I read all these books which i wished I had found them long time ago. It described exactly what happened in our situation. I told him that we are in the state of withdraw, and there is hope to come back. I told him that I realized what I did wrong before. He said there is no point to talk about before, we only look forward. I said that I understand, but I don't want to repeat the same thing in the future. Then he told me I should have my onw activity, clean the house better(which I thonk is very clean), buy more clothes to make myself look better which I all agree and will do. He said that look, we bought a ski long time ago, we only went twice. We bought the membership of YMCA, it ended up he went alone at the end because the kids don't want to go. I knew that I had made a big mistake by putting the kids before him. Anyway, the conversation ended up when he got a page. He said that he will have to go to work. This one I believe, he told me last week already. I siad that I will ask him agian whehter he wants talk to SH couple days later.

I don't know whether I had violated no R tlka in Plan A. Please give me some advice. I have to go to church now. Kids are fighting.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lostnhurt:
<strong>I don't know whether I had violated no R tlka in Plan A. Please give me some advice. I have to go to church now. Kids are fighting. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are not at all. Actually if you could avoid LB ... it is very good. It keeps the communication open.

About your kids... you need to sit them down and tell them that parent is having a problem they should behave and help out ... be big boys. Answer their question honestly and also according to their age.

-rh-

lostnhurt -

You did great. Now you have planted the seed that marriage can be better than ever.

I think you talked very calmly considering the subject. Now get on Plan A for several months.

Go to flylady.com for some tips on cleaning the house in only a few minutes a day. Get busy on changing yourself.

These may all be just fogtalk and excuses for his poor behavior. But get started working on things to raise your self-esteem.