This morning I cried while talking to him. I also told him that I am very very sad, I and depressed. One thing he said about our marriage was that we didn't have much conflict in financial area, he was easy going on food, he ate whatever I cooked. He admitted that he lost a lot of money in the stock market, but I didn't complainted, he said he is wrong about that. He let me take care of our financial now. He also complaint that I didn't iron his shirts. I do now.

This afternoon(he is still not home yet), he called me and told me that he doesn't want to see me depressed. He told me to talk to a firend of mine who just divorced. He said that maybe she can help me to get over it. I told him that depression is not an issue, it is our M. I don't want to give up our M. We have been married 14+years, before we dated 4 years. I said that our M is sick, it is time to take care of the sickness. Escape won't help. He said what do you want to do? I told him that I will work on myself for a better person, he will marry a new person. He was very doubtful and said, how can you overcome all those habits that came with you. I told him that I committed to this M. I will do it. Just read about harley's book and it described exactly what happened to us. Just give ourself a chance to learn to be happy. Even if it doesn't turn out working, it will help both of to be a better person. That he finally sighed and siad, let me think about it.

I won't pur much hope to what he said. i will concentrate on myself. This afternoon, S and D all went to their friends house. I was home alone. I cleaned all the bathrooms and swept the garage. It has too much dirt from snow. I felt ok. Just picked up S and put him in bed. I will have to pick D too.

lostnhurt -

You are doing fine. Now work on yourself and no more relationship talk. Have you read the 180's? I will find them and post.

lostnhurt -

Here they are:

I got this off http://www.divorcebusting.com.

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore!
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Do not point out good points in marriage
4. Do not follow him around the house
5. Do not encourage talk about the future
6. Do not ask for help from family members
7. Do not ask for reassurances
8. Do not buy gifts
9. Do not schedule dates together
10. Do not spy on spouse
11. Do not say "I Love You"
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get
busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,
etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start
the conversation) be scarce or short on words
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his
whereabouts, ASK NOTHING
17. You need to make your partner think that you have
had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you
are going to move on with your life, with or without
your spouse
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull
back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more
important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show
your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him
someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which
may be a while)
21. Never lose your cool
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes
their feelings stronger)
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really
saying to you
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you
want to speak out
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh &
focus on all the other parts of your life that are not
in turmoil)
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any
words you can say or write
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you
are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with
your spouse
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than
50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in
absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad
you feel
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

Believer,

Thanks a lot. I saw the list befoe. I need to print it out and stick to my office.

Believer,

Are you out there?

I feel very empty today. Hard to concentrate at work. But I need to do it. I read your post somewhere on what happened to you on Valentine's day. I feel so sorry for you. But I am also very proud of you. You are so strong. I need to learn a lot from you.

Hi, I'm here, still flying by the instument panel. Yep, Valentine's Day it felt like the plane was going down, but I just keep trusting in the instruments. It gets easier and easier.

So you just stick to the program and keep being a good wife, mother, and working on yourself. Stay in Plan A, and make the changes you can.

You won't feel like it now, but after some time here, you will get strong, things won't hurt you like they do now, you will have confidence.

I am looking out the window again. But I need to concentrate myself in the flying panel.

Last night, he said he was going to watch a movie with me, but then he went on the phone till almost 12am. I was not mad at all. Then he got a page, and rushed to the computer again. I know that it must be OW. This morning, he told me he is not coming home for dinner. I just said you are going somewhere. He said I am going to a movie, (pause), with some co-workers. That sends my mood down 2000ft. But I know I have to hang in there, not to let my plane crash. I will take D to see a Dr., she is still coughing badly, and has sore throat. Then I may go shopping with her a little bit. It is going to be a long day.

He kept telling me to have fun myself. He meant to meet other guy. I told him that I will have fun, but I will keep my vows. I may do that in the future, but not now.

Just got a call from Dr. office. I had mammagram last week, now they thought something is suspicious. I need to have further test. I am very numb already. SOmetimes I do hope that I will die and end all these. Maybe my prayer got answered.

I even don't know whether I should tell my H about it. I don't want him to think that I am using it as an excuse to get him back.

Get it checked out soon. 90% of them turn out to be a cyst, and not dangerous.

Let H know, but don't expect much support. You can take care of yourself and we will support you.

Thank you believer. I already have an appointment next Thursday.

Today, I took D to Dr's office. She is ok, just virus.Then we went out shopping,. We bought some clothes for her and me. We had lunch, went to a book store and music store. It was good. But I couldn't get rid of the bad thinking and feeling. Few times my tear burst out, I had to go to the restroom, don't want D to see it. S went to his friend's house. Sooner, D will be going to her friends for overnight. I will be home alone. But I will vacume the house, do some cleaning, hope to have myself occupied.

Thank you believer. I already have an appointment next Thursday.

Today, I took D to Dr's office. She is ok, just virus.Then we went out shopping,. We bought some clothes for her and me. We had lunch, went to a book store and music store. It was good. But I couldn't get rid of the bad thinking and feeling. Few times my tear burst out, I had to go to the restroom, don't want D to see it. S went to his friend's house. Sooner, D will be going to her friends for overnight. I will be home alone. But I will vacume the house, do some cleaning, hope to have myself occupied.

Good time to get some organizing done. Do you have everything in the house organized? Check out www.flylady.com.

It is normal to have tears at first, but soon they will go away.

Good time to get some organizing done. Do you have everything in the house organized? Check out www.flylady.com

Reading the flylady stuff is fine.

However,
DANGER WILL ROBINSON, DANGER!!!

Subscribe to Flylady at your own risk! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

If you do, you will receive at least 15-20 email a day as "reminders" to do something (clean the sink, take a break, etc). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

<small>[ February 17, 2004, 05:43 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Just finished vacuming. Dropped D to her friends house, and picked up S. I did checked on Flying lady. many good ideas. I made up my own plan. Clean up one draw in the kitchen perday for 15 min. I have a huge kitchen with more than 30 draws. It will last me for about a month.

Met H's good friend today. He was complaining to me that H did nopt have time to talk to him anymore. He has CHANGED. What was going on with him? I said that he is busy. Then he asked whehther we want to join them skiing this weekend, he talked to H, he sounded so unwilling. I siad I don't mind going if you can talk him to. He siad I will try again. Good luck.

No luck talking to OW's husband. I send an e-mail to him asking where she was about on Sat morning when my H disappaer. He said that he lost his job. Sat morning, she took their little S for shopping and came back around noon, about the same time frame. Then he questioned me why I ask. He kept saying that there is nothing between them. I said that I hope so. I also found the credit card has charges for 2 movie tickets on the night he disappeared. When the cell phone bill came, it only showed the detail calling of my phone(we had family plan), his was hiding. he can call to have them not to show it. I asked him, what happened to your phone? He just said that he did not know. What kind of lie.

This aftenoon, I told him about the mammagram. First he tried to be simpathy and said whether he can take me to the Dr., I thanked him and said no. I can take care of it. Then he started LB. Do you think it is cancer? It is impossible, your mom didn't have it, how can you have? It it only for those have big boos. I just stopped talking to him.

Well that is good that you hooked up with flylady.com. It will give you something to do while Plan A'ing. I know that it will help you, and it is so easy to do on a schedule. I have been doing it for 2 months and just about done.

It will be nice to keep your home as a safe haven for you, to have a nurturing home, that you will feel good about.

Also the more you do, the better your self-esteem will be. After being betrayed, most BS's have a very, very low self esteem.

I am very confused now.

Yesterday morning. He initiated a talk about our R. He even mentioned that if we start again, will we be happy. I said that it will if we both commit to it. Then he back off, he said that I am not sure. And then he was telling me that we both tried very hard in our M and gave me some examples on how we both changed. I just listened. Then finally he had a remark: the talk we have lately maybe more than all we had talked since we married. I said that I am sorry that happened. I hope that we will talk more happy things in the future. Then I went downstairs to make him coffee. But when he came down, his was cold again and telling me that he will not be home for the evening, that was when my mood went down. He didn't come home till 12am. I was still awake. Then he started complaining about his boss. He said that all his hardwork during weekends were questioned. He said that I don't care anymore, i won't work on the weekend anymore. He also said that his training in March was not approved by his boss. he wanted to go to CA. I don't know whether the OW is going or not.

So I don't know what is going on with him. Without going to work on weekends, he will still not be home. I am sure he will be with OW. Then he also asked me when I will be home tomorrow evening(it is today now). I said it is the usaual time. I asked him that are you going out again. He said a girl in work asked him to go to the bar, but he said that he is not going.

I am so confused. What is going on here. I am totally lost. One minute, he is talking about our M, next minute he is talking another girl(who is she?). I don't know whether I am in the right direction. It is very frustrated.

I had a long day yesterday. H stayed home watch kids because they are having wither break. When I can home at about 6:30pm. Thnings were so warm. Dinner were cooked, he was waiting for me for dinner. He made the soup I like. He's been doing this for at leat couple weeks M. and W., these are the evenings I come home later than him. But he would stay out late on T. TH. Everytime he stayed out, it hurted me a lot. But anyway, I enjoy these evenings so much, I felt that my H is back.

But last night, D ruined it. She was so fussy. Crying with no reason(at leat this was what I thought), yelling, cursed her brother, telling me I am a bad mother, H a bad father. From the logical side of my mind, I knew that it maybe caused by the situation from last couple months. But from my feeling side, it is just so hard to deal with. I tried to talk to her, she got angrier. So I left her room, then she scream and cried. It just made me felt terrible. Finally H went to talk to her. Magically, he calm her down and she apologized to me. I thanked him and also asked him to teach me what to do. He didn't say anything.

After that, we watched Seabuscuit together which we sopposed to watch couple nights ago. We did have good time. But I was so tired, I fell asleep two times.

I don't know what he is thinking and why he acts like this. Is this a good sign? From deep in my heart, I can't believe it. But I know that I have to consistent for my paln A. I just have to rely on GOD. Only HIM can gave me the answer of my life. I pray for patience.

Sounds very promising. Just keep on with Plan A. It will be hard for awhile, but gets easier.

Of course your d is reacting to all of the problems. Keep trying to have a nurturing home, so she will feel secure.